"Tara. What's going on?" I'm sitting on the edge of the bed, watching her pack. She doesn't turn to look at me. "Nothing's going on. It's just a job." I don't answer. We both know it's not 'just a job'. She's leaving on one of her secret missions or whatever they are. She's never said for certain but I am fairly sure it has something to do with her work for the FBI when she was younger. At least that's who she ran to when things went sideways on a job.
I am frustrated with the whole thing. She disappears, without a word sometimes. She never knows when she's coming back. Sometimes its weeks, months. She doesn't call. She doesn't text. I don't know if she's alive or dead. And she won't tell me why. She says it's too dangerous. I say its bullshit.
I don't usually push her on this. She already knows how I feel about it. Today, I'm angry. I've had it with her non-answers. I don't expect details. We rarely share that about jobs. It's better that way. But there's always a way to find each other, a guess when we might be back. I'm not going to let her leave without some answers. Not this time.
"We need to talk about this Tara." "No Sophie. We don't. I can't tell you. I've told you that. It's for you. I can't have you involved. It's too…" "Yeah yeah I know. It's too dangerous. You've done stuff. I'm sick of it Tara. Do you understand how frustrating it is? Never knowing where you are? When you're coming back? IF you're coming back?" I can hear the anger creeping into my voice. I don't want to start a fight. Not when she's leaving. But damn it! I need some answers!
She stops packing but doesn't turn around. "I'm sorry Tara. I just…I just can't do it anymore. I can't live with the uncertainty." Her voice is very quiet. "Nothing I say is going to change any of that Soph. It is what it is. All it's going to do is make you a target for anyone who is looking for me." I sigh. "We live together. If that's true, then it's already done. Telling me where you're going and what you're doing, that won't change anything." I can barely hear her answer. "I can't Soph. I just can't." I stand. I give her a second but she doesn't move. I leave her there.
I know I should apologize. This is our last evening together for who knows how long. I can't though. I know I'm hurting her but I can't let go of my anger. She promised me a dinner out and we go but neither of us are all that hungry. We sit in silence, not looking at each other, pushing our food around on our plates, not tasting anything.
I try on the way home. I put my hand on top of hers. "Tara. It's ok. I'm sorry ok? I don't want to fight. Not tonight." "I know Soph. I'll try. Ok?" I smile and squeeze her hand. "Ok."
We sit close together on the sofa. Neither of us wants to talk. I want answers that she doesn't want to give them. It's easier just to pretend that everything is normal. That I'm not angry. That she's not scared. That I'm not scared. I just hold her and pet her hair. I want her to know that, no matter what, I love her. There's nothing she can tell me that will ever change that.
I let my fingers tickle her neck and she sighs. She leans closer and I let my lips brush her collar bone. "Take me to bed Tara?" I whisper. She turns into me with a gentle kiss. I wrap my arms around her and let her pull me to my feet and walk me to the bedroom.
In bed, she's very restrained. Not at all the wild, mind blowing sex we often have before one of us leaves. We both move slowly, gently. Just touching and caressing. She gives me a soft kiss as I come, pulling me tight into her. I sigh contentedly. This is why I love Tara. She always knows what I need. I need to feel her next to me. I need to know that she loves me. I need to know that she'll always come back to me.
Tara is pulled tight into my shoulder, my fingers are tracing shapes on her belly. She still but I know she's not asleep. Her breath caresses my neck. I know I should let it go but I can't. "Tara?" "mmm" "We need to talk" I say quietly. She doesn't respond right away. "Tara?" She sighs. "I know Soph." I take a deep breath. I've been thinking about my words. How to explain what this means to me. Why I need so badly to know. "When I shared…when I told you…when I told you my name. I was terrified. You know that. I felt like I was giving up the very last part of me. I knew I could trust you. I've always known I can trust you. Still, I felt like I might lose myself. That if I let that one last thing go, that I might just cease to be."
Tara wraps her arm over me. "I know this Soph." "Do you remember what you told me? That it matters because it matters?" I let myself drop into my natural accent, the one that no one knows, the one that only Tara can hear. I want her to know I'm serious. That I've given everything to her. "You told me that there would always be that between us. That you would never really know me." "I remember." Her voice is barely audible. "I need this Tara. Not because I care what you've done. Just because there's this one thing. That I can't really know you." I let my words sit. She doesn't answer.
I move my fingers to her face and they come away wet. "Tara. Honey. What is it? This isn't just about my safety is it?" She slowly shakes her head. "Then what is it? Please Tara. You can tell me. You can tell me anything." She shakes her head again and I can feel her tears as they roll off of her and down my arm. "I can't Soph. You don't know me. You don't know what I've done. What I'm going to do." I pull her tight. "Honey. There is nothing you can tell me that will change how I feel about you. You know that. I know you know that." I touch her face again but I don't wipe away her tears. "I…I..I love you so much Sophie. I just don't want anything between us to change." I pull her tighter. "It will change Tara. But that's not a bad thing. Secrets, they're going to keep us apart. The truth is what we need. You taught me that. And you were right." She answers me but I can't understand what she says. "Tara?" "I said Ok. I will tell you. I just hope…I just love you so much Sophie. Just remember that."
Tara sits up and leans back against her pillow. She pulls me into her and wraps her arm tight around me. Slowly she starts talking.
"When you left. When you left me in Italy. I was so angry. So hurt. I thought you loved me. But you didn't. You played me, used me. I hated you." I feel guilty, my stomach is in knots but I let her talk. "I never wanted to see you again. I thought you were cold and evil. I saw myself becoming just like you and I hated you for that too. I didn't want to be anything like you. So I went home. I tried to tell my mom but she couldn't understand. I felt so alone. I stayed in my room for weeks. I was depressed. And so angry."
"I finally decided that I needed to get out of the life. To do something positive. To become someone who was nothing like you. I joined the FBI. I wanted to be good. And I was good. I was very good. Too good maybe. Someone noticed. They pulled me out of agent training. They gave me special lessons. They taught me to be a spy. They taught me to break code. And I was good at that too. I thought they would leave me alone. Let me do my job. Let me find my information and let me sit in my dark room with my computers. That's all I wanted. I thought I was doing something special. That maybe I could save the world and make up for all of the bad things I had done."
She pauses in her story and I pull my arm tight around her middle. Encouraging her to continue. Letting her know that I'm ok with the things she said about me. I understand every one of them. I deserved them and so much more for what I did to her. "It's Ok Tara. Go on…"
She takes a deep breath. "One day, they asked me to go in the field. They couldn't get the information to me. They needed me on site. I went. I had never told them who I was. What I could do. What you had taught me. I didn't want to be a grifter. But when I got there, it just came so naturally. I barely even knew I was doing it. I got in. I got to places no one had ever dreamed of going. I got the job done." "And they noticed?" I feel her nod. "Yeah. They noticed."
"They told me that I was a good code breaker. But then they told me I was wasting my real gifts. They said they had a real job for me. An important job. A job that only someone like me could do." "Someone like you?" I feel her nod again. "A liar. A pretender." "A grifter" I say. "Yeah. A grifter. And then they asked me to do something." She stops talking. "What? What did they ask? Tara? What did you do?" She doesn't answer and I feel another tear as it falls from her face.
I try to look at her but she holds me in my place. "Please don't Soph. Please don't look at me. This is hard enough. I don't want to see your face." I can feel my heart break. Whatever this is. It's haunted her for too long. Its time. Despite her fears, its time she let it go. And I need to not react. Not feed into her fears. I close my eyes and give her another squeeze. Its time.
"I know" she whispers. I didn't think I said anything out loud but still she heard me. I give her one more squeeze and she slowly lets out her breath.
When she finally speaks, her voice is strangled. "I…There was this guy. He was a really bad guy. He…they wanted…" I lie still. Her fingers are digging into my shoulder, holding on with everything she has. She's scaring me. I've never known her to be like this. Even in San Francisco, when she was terrified, she could still function. And then she tells me. And I am terrified.
"Ziva…Eliot…Sophie I'm like them. I killed someone. They asked me to and I did." Now that's she started, her words come fast. She can't stop until she gets it all out. "The FBI, the CIA. They say there not in the business but they are. They have lists. Just like the Moussad. Like Moreau. They kill people Sophie. They assassinate them and they say it's OK. They say it's for the good of the country. That the people they want killed are terrorists. Or spies. That they need to keep people safe. And they use me to do it. And I was happy to do it. At first I was. I thought it was right."
She pauses, waiting for my reaction. I try not to move, not let her know what I feel but she feels me stiffen. The tears start again. "I'm so sorry Sophie. I don't want to. Not anymore. I know now. But they own me. I can't say no. They would take me away. They would take you away. I can't let them do that. I can't lose you. I just can't…"
I try to pull myself together. Tara needs me. She just told me the most horrible thing she's ever done. And I am horrified. But I understand. I pull myself up to her and put my hands on her face. I turn her to look at me. "It's OK Tara. You did what you thought was right. What you had to do. I love you. Nothing you can say will ever change that." "I know" she whispers. "But you don't look at me the same. I can see it Sophie. In your eyes. You know what I did. You hate me."
"No Tara. I don't hate you. It's a lot. I admit that. And yes. It does change things. But not the way you think." She blinks through her tears, wanting me to tell her it's OK. That I'm OK. That we're OK. "You think I think less of you but that's so not true. If anything I love you more. The courage you have. To carry this around. To do what needs to be done. To share this with me. I understand now Tara. I understand why you're scared. And you're not like Eliot. Not like he was. You did what you thought was right. You still do. You always do. If you still believe Tara, if you still think it's the right thing, then you need to go. If you want out. I, we will help you. But don't do it because of me. Do it because it's what you need to do. I will be there for you no matter what. OK?
She finally smiles through more tears. This time I wipe them away. "Thank you Tara. I know you're scared. And as awful as you think this is, it's not as bad as I imagined. I understand you so much better now. And love you so much more!" I touch my forward to hers. "Are you going?" She slowly nods. "Yeah. I have to. And I do believe. Still." I feel a bit sick but I force a smile. "Ok then. Just remember that I will always be here for you." I kiss her. And I remind her exactly what it is that she's coming home to.