Knock! Knock! "Coming" said Rinoa rushing to get the door. It was Quistis Trepe, one of Rinoa's friends and Squall's old instructor. Rinoa opened the door and let Quistis inside.
"So what's the news with SeeD?" said Rinoa eagerly.
"Well we're going on another business trip, there's a new member in SeeD and on a beauty scale of one to ten, she's a 0!" said Quistis.
"So how's..." the door opened and Selphie Tilmit came into house.
"...Selphie" said Rinoa finishing her sentence.
"The Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!" said Selphie, while grabbing a muffin from a cabinet. "Squall is dead!"
Just then, Squall burst through the door.
"SURPRISE, SURPRISE, SURPRISE!"
"Selphie said you were dead!" Said Rinoa.
"Wow, Squall! It's been a while. You've been pretty dead lately! How are things?"
"...Miserable. ...I fear I might die on the business trip tomorrow. ...I'm sorry Rinoa: our date will have to be held off a little longer," Rinoa moaned an exasperated sigh.
"Again?" She whined, "Nothing's been the same since you became a SeeD."
Squall knew exactly what she was talking about. But he didn't really have a business trip to go on! He didn't want to go on a date with Rinoa because Squall was actually in love with Quistis Trepe, his old instructor.
"Oh. I'm sorry. Maybe when you back?" Rinoa's voice faltered for a moment, sounding more like a mental patient that the beautiful young woman Squall didn't deserve. Rinoa fell to her knees. Her image flickered like a dying candle and transformed to something very large and clumsy looking, something that might be cute to a child, from a far distance. A huge pink tongue hung limply out of a white lined mouth, strange eyes lacking any intelligence.
"NOOOO! Ultimesha has returned! LET-RINOA-GO-NOW, YOU BIG, SLIMY CHEESE PUFF!!" Selphie defied.
"We need to seek the remedy! She's not possessed by Ultimesha! But Quina! We have to find Zidane! Quick!" Quistis explained in her bossy voice.
"Yeah, Quisty to the rescue again!" Selphie rolled her eyes. Squall was hers, not Quistis' and not Rinoa's. She would have to do something about the both of them.
She smiled evily as her imaginative mind set to play for a fate worse than death for her "dear" friends. Zell walked feverishly in the room, legs misshapen, Selphie suspected from too many hot-dogs. But his image played tricks and changed, the same way Rinoa did, into Starfish. Starfish? What was up with that? All Selphie could manage at Zell's new form was laughter, though Quistis looked about it seriously, and Squall peered on with a 'whatever' attitude. Like he cared about what happened to any of them...It was too late to save the one he truly loved...Nini. She had been too locked up in funny music to care that her video game cared. That was okay: he would take his pain out on his friends. Show them what his pain felt like. Maybe he would take it all out on Keiichi Clean. She was unlikely to fight back and take the abuse willingly. That would be it. He chanted a spell in his mind and watched as Quistis turned into Keiichi Clean. Selphie turned to Steiner, and Irvine, as an afterthought, turned to Tifa. He giggled at his own intelligence and wondered why he hadn't thought of this before. Unsheathing gunblade, he turned to Keiichi Clean first, after all, it was her fault Nini was gone...forever. Then to Starfish, and Steiner, and Tifa. Finally, he turned to Quina, but found Quina wasn't there. Rinoa had taken his place, and was sitting there on top of the counter with a bored look. She yawned, "Have you forgotten so quickly I'm a sorceress? Really, Zidane. I expected more of you," Rinoa applauded.
"How'd you know it was me?"
"Call it a hunch?" Rinoa questioned innocently, "By the way, I think there is a visitor waiting outside for you... Somewhere in the graveyard, maybe?" Zidane-as-Squall headed for the door. Rinoa followed.
"You know, Zidane? I think Selphie gave up on Laguna and his twin Ballona and was falling for you. Shame, now, huh? 5-4-3-2-1!" Rinoa tallied. Selphie came out, singing and screaming like she had done during the parade. Rinoa shoved her fingers in her ears and waited to Selphie's gotta kill the unhappy people song was over. Zidane had been successfully transformed to a dog... Something that looked revolting.... And smelled it, too. Rinoa bent down and gave it angel wings and a devil costume while she resurrected Squall with a Phoenix Down. "So, Squall? Ready to dress up this dog that bit you?" The real-Squall pulled his gunblade out and laid it next to the slime-ball, and chose his foot over the weapon. He reminded Rinoa that the shoes needed to be sterilized before he could wear them again. Rinoa giggled and pushed what was left of the dog over Trabia's snowy cliff. Angelo yapped at something in the distance, Irvine had over enthusiastically found himself a new girl, Zell was hot-dog feasting, Quistis had found a detention seeking boy, and assigned him some, though she was pure Balamb and he Trabia. Selphie was tripping over her guitar as she pitifully tried to imitate a concert she had seen last Friday. All was normal.
Rinoa heard a faint slap as Squall hit the rocks as Selphie, tired with the guitar, ran head-on in to him. Rinoa giggled and asked Selphie, "What are YOU doing!?" Thank God for beer commercials. Especially Budweiser! Just then, a shadow of a half-man, half-woman appeared! "You look like a precious moments doll!" Selphie said. Rinoa said, "Really! Are all the dolls based on you!? You all look the same! You and all of the dolls look like really ugly half-girls, and half-boys! And you're really ugly ones too!" "My name is Kuja." Kuja said to Quistis. "How would you like to go on a date with moi...?" "...um..." Quistis mumbled. "...I may look like a precious moments doll, but I have the power to take over the world!" Power-hungry Quistis, replied, "Sure! Why not!?" "Okay! C'mon ...uh?...what's your name...?" "Quistis" she replied. "Okay then, c'mon my beautiful Quistis! Where d'ya wanna go eat?" "I don't really care." Quistis replied. "Just not a seafood place, a Mexican place, an Italian place, a Chinese place, a Japanese place, a tai place, a fast-food place, a place that sells sandwiches, a pizza place, a breakfast place, or a place that has kid's meals. Other than that, anything is fine!" "Well, that narrows it down then!" Said Kuja. "Why don't we go to my secret hideout and have some parsley with sour cream?" Kuja said. "Why not!? Quistis replied. Kuja was in love. (Or he just wanted to be with a "hot babe!") But Quistis didn't really love (or even like Kuja!) She wanted to use Kuja to make Squall jealous of her and Kuja. Because Quistis actually loved Squall. Quistis had been sure that she'd loved Squall from the first time she meet him (which was almost right after Squall was born.)
Quistis didn't know it, but Squall had the same burning desire for Quistis in his heart. Squall didn't love Rinoa or Selphie! He loved the one and only Quistis Trepe! Neither Quistis nor Squall made a move on each other because of the student-teacher relationship. But since Quistis got fired from her job, they have been trying to get close.This seemed like the perfect way to make Squall realize that she, Quistis, was the perfect girl for him! She cackled evilly at her malicious plan. After she was through with Kuja, making Squall jealous, she would display her deep afection for him by making a human sacrifice out of Keiichi Clean and Rinoa. Because Squall and Rinoa seem to be getting close, and Keiichi Clean was just being plain annoying, chewing with her mouth open for every meal of Gyshal Pickles.
Meanwhile, Selphie had similar plans of her own. What was the best way to manipulate a young man who's heart had been bitten by fate, sister-wise? Of course, with the sister. Selphie's first plan had been to drive a big boat in the air and crash it on Quistis, to wipe Squall of his memory with a hot air balloon, and to tell him they had been in love since the beginning. If Rinoa interfered, she would bomb her with Eddie-bombs, which blow the living daylights out of EVERYONE in the area. She grinned selfishly. And if Kuja thought he could get at her man, she had a backup for him, too. Let's just say that most people of his sort were very weak to fire suddenly erupting from underneath his butt, seemingly from no-where. He would go from pasty-white to a burned, charred, cinder in less than an instant. However, these plans were much to complicated without someone, like Zu, realizing what she was doing, so she had to consult with herself to find something just as interesting yet a lot simpler. So, she decided she'd wait until Squall and dear Quisty were on their first date, and then drop an Eddie-bomb near by. That would hold Quisty and Rinoa, and she's definitely help her man-in-need, and blame the Eddie-bomb on Kuja, because Kuja was not the perfect woman for Squall. Then he would see what a hero she was, and he would love her for it. Almost perfect. She just had one thing to worry about: Keiichi Clean. Though Keiichi Clean was just a big, stupid, blonde, she could come up with intelligently stupid things by pure accident. Yes, she would prove as quite a problem. Hmm, wasn't the god of chicken soup hungry? She had the perfect meal...
Rinoa knew exactly what she was going to do, to prove that Squall was hers and hers alone. Yes, she was going to remove Keiichi Clean, Selphie, and Quistis with one of her latest strategies, the shear stupidity of Luke. One look at Luke, and it was all over for you, sucka. Ah, alas, if only it would work. She had killed Luke last week in honor of Kenzibal, so that the hungry cannibal would have a little muncher until Quistis and Selphie were deep-fried under the bar-b-q-u grill at Papa Pete's Pizza. Why they had a BBQ grill, she never understood, until now. She opened it to investigate, and found 2,200,000,000 baby Eddie-bombs, and took a few for the picking. Why hadn't she thought of that before?
Ohh, but the schemes of a girl-man. They were perhaps the most creative, even more so than little happy-Selphie. He would make Sephiroth cut his hair...that would hold their worthless minds for awhile. Then his Squall and he would take over the world! Like they did every night! Mwa-hahahahahahahahahaha!!
Dagger knew their scheming, and wanted Squall. Not for love, for death. They killed Zidane. She roared with rage at the thought of such a clumsy boy defeating her precious Zidane... Oh, Zidane. He still lives: Deep with in the volcano of chicken soup. Or Keiichi Clean's brains. It wasn't that deep to wade, but what she had stuck like glue. And man, was it rotted. Zidane was gone, for forever, unless he could convince her that Sylvin did more good than bad.
As everyone one else was scheming their plans, Keiichi-clean was scheming her plans! She was just in a bloody mood and didn't like Rinoa at the time because she was sick of her name, so she decided to make a sacrifice to the god of chicken soup!
As planned, Keiichi-clean, made a sacrifice. She was kind of confused, and instead of Rinoa, she sacrificed Tifa Lockheart into the volcano of chicken soup! Her special ritual was the same as any sacrifice she has ever made. She hops onto a rock in the middle of the volcano of chicken soup, recites: "My, my chicken-pie! My god of chicken soup is great! My, my chicken-thigh! Will my god of chicken soup accept this sacrifice!?" After that she flaps her arms like a chicken and makes clucking noises! The person being sacrificed, is tied-up to a piece of wood that is spread out over a hole in the middle of the rock that is in the middle of the volcano of chicken-soup. When Keiichi-clean is finished flapping her arms like a chicken and making clucking noises, she gnaws through the rope tying the person being sacrificed with her teeth. The person being sacrificed, (Tifa), falls through the hole in the middle of the rock in the middle of the volcano of chicken soup.
A few years of fighting over Squall ended, Quistis was killed by Selphie. Selphie died when Rinoa got mad at Selphie for killing Quistis. Rinoa died when Squall got so annoyed by her, that he decapitated her with his gunblade. Irvine was sacrificed by Keiichi-clean. Dagger,(a.k.a. Princess Garnet), was also sacrificed by Keiichi-clean. Quina was summoned by Zidane, who was lost in the volcano of chicken soup. Quina came into the volcano of chicken soup and ate-up all the chicken soup in the volcano of chicken soup and saved Zidane. Quina later died from drowning in a toilet, Quina was too fat and short to get his face out of the toilet.
Tifa Lockheart was sacrificed by Keiichi-clean. Which was a good thing, because Tifa was planning world destruction. So, Keiichi-clean ended up saving the world! Yeah!
Kuja did not die. He/She ended up marrying Zell Dincht (who eats hot dogs all the time!)
And don't forget about the most important character in this suspenseful story of undying love, and exciting adventure, Squall! Squall didn't end up with Quistis, Rinoa, Selphie, Dagger, (of coarse not! She wanted to kill Squall!), or Kuja. But, when he was crying in a corner of an alley, because all the girls he loved, died, a person walked by him. The person who was walking by, stopped and asked Squall if he was okay. The person was covered in chicken soup, and had a monkey tail. The person made him laugh, and they both knew that it was love at first sight. They ended up getting married at a drive-thru chapel in Vegas. They had a big cake made for them for their wedding, the words written on the cake read: Have a Happy Life Together Squall and Zidane.
And Keiichi-clean's reward for saving the world was a big smooch from Squall and Kuja!