Evolution is God

Bart was heading out for recess when he noticed Nelson and the others hanging out in their usual spot. It looked like they hadn't noticed him yet, so he decided to sneak up on them and pull one of his ingenious pranks. But as he got closer, he heard them talking about him, so he stopped to listen.

"Where's Bart?" Jimbo asked. "He hasn't hung out with us in a while. Is he avoiding us?"

"Actually, I'm the one avoiding him." Nelson said.

"Why? What did he do?"

"Remember back when he skateboarded naked? It was the most pathetic thing I'd ever seen."

"I hardly got the chance to see the little dude." Dolph said, pausing before asking, "Was he circumcised?"

"No."

"Ha! I knew it."

Bart didn't know what that word meant, but they seemed to be talking down on him, so he decided to do something about it.

"Hey, fellas." Bart said as he came out from behind the tree.

The bullies sneered at his presence.

"Don't interrupt us when we're talking about you." Nelson said, getting close to him in a menacing way.

"You guys wanna go bowling? Or how about we prank Skinner?" Bart suggested as he tried to make it up to them.

The bullies simply ignored him.

"I stole $20 bucks from my dad. First round of slushies is on me." Bart said enthusiastically as he waived the money in his hand.

"Knock it off, Simpson. Or we'll knock you out." Jimbo said.

"You guys are seriously turning down free goodies? What's wrong with you?"

Nelson walked away and the gang followed. He approached the first boy he saw and asked, "Hey, kid? Are you circumcised?"

"No."

Nelson punched him in the stomach. He quickly turned to Ralph, who was standing nearby and asked, "What about you? Are you circumcised?"

"What's that?" Ralph asked.

That answer also resulted in a punch to the stomach.

He then approached Milhouse and asked the same question.

Milhouse had noticed a pattern and replied in the affirmative by saying, "Yes?"

Nelson skipped him.

Milhouse sighed as he removed some sweat from his brow.

Bart simply observed, whatever it was, the gang was obviously circumcised and apparently made them worthy of respect, so he respectfully backed away and tried to find out what they were talking about.

Dolph saw Bart walking away, so he turned to Nelson and said, "I don't know, Nelson. Bart's pretty cool. Maybe being circumcised has nothing to do with how cool you are."

Nelson looked at him menacingly for a second and then proceeded to punch him in the stomach.

Things were unusually quiet at the kitchen table. Marge was tending to Maggie, Homer was pretending to read the newspaper, and Bart was thinking about what his friends had said during recesses. He still didn't know what it was, but he wanted his friends to respect him. He wanted to be their equals. So whatever it was, he wanted it.

Convinced, he said, "Dad, I want to be circle-sized too."

Homer immediately stopped reading, turned to his wife, put down the newspaper and said, "Marge, he's right. A boy should look like his father."

Marge tried to envision what that would be like. She saw Bart a couple of years older, on the couch, drinking duff, burping.

As she came back to reality, she was convinced that it wasn't such a good idea, but she tried to approach the situation delicately.

"Homie, do you remember why we didn't circumcise Bart?" She asked.

"The medicaid wouldn't pay for it since it's not medically necessary?"

"Hmm. That's part of it, but it's also because we wanted to respect his wishes and leave him the choice for when he turned 18."

"Psst. That's all hippie garbage from our time. If it's good enough for them, it's good enough for my son. It's not like they're going to cut off part of his pee-pee or something."

"Hmm. How about this, lets take some time to think it over and if Bart still wants to, then we'll try to figure something out. How does that sound?"

There was a knock on the door before Lisa came in.

"Bart?" She asked as she closed the door behind her. "Mom just told me. Is it true?"

"Yeah, why?" Bart said curiously.

"I just don't understand why you'd want to go through this, Bart. Do you remember when dad saved you from being baptized, even though it was in the name of your own religion? Well, this is kinda like that, but a thousand times worse." She said as she sat on his bed.

"What? It's not like they're going to cut off part of my wiener or something." He said, rephrasing his father's words.

"Well, actually, Bart..." She said before whispering something in his ear.

"Noooooo!" Bart screamed.

"So you wouldn't actually go through with it?"

"No way, sister. I didn't know that's what it was. I can barely handle when my tip rubs up against my underwear when I get random erections. Imagine if I had all of it exposed."

"Ah, yes. Since it's being protected, it's very sensitive."

He thought back to the reason he wanted to get circumcised. They said he looked pathetic. He turned to his sister and said, "Be honest with me Liz, is that why everybody freaked out when I skateboarded in the nude?"

"No. I'm pretty sure it was just unexpected. The foreskin completely natural. All mammals have one. That and there are no health benefits in being circumcised. It's actually quite damaging when you think about it. It's like removing your eyelid. The eyelid protects the eye from contaminants, keeping it healthy, clean, moist and sensitive. Circumcision would remove all of that too."

"Then why did Nelson laugh at me when I was handcuffed to the pole?"

"Well, Bart. He's a bully. He likes making other people feel insecure. His need to put other people down is probably a result of his own insecurity. He doesn't know what he's missing out on, so I guess this is his subconscious trying to make himself feel better about it."

"I can't believe mom and dad would let me get circumcised just like that. It should be against the law or something."

"I know what you mean. Female circumcision is outlawed in the United States in 1996. Males should have the same protection under law."

"How do you know about all of this?"

"I was actually reading an article Psychology Today published and it said that having such a traumatic experience can have negative effects on children. They could develop post-traumatic stress disorder and even autism. How people react to it is always different, so I guess this is just Nelson's way of dealing with it."

"I kinda feel bad for Nelson now."

Author's Note: This is not an original idea. I just stretched out someone else's.