Want-Need-Feel
A/N: Matt&Mimi, finally, here is that fic you requested! Takeru x Daisuke, with the *slightest* bit of Koukari. *ahem* No, I do not support Koukari that much, but it's required. Besides, it's better then Takari or ...'Mimato'....or Koushiro x Miyako and Ken x Miyako, I guess...(no offense to you Miyako fans, it's just that I see her as kind of a...gold digger, since I have no other way of putting it.) There are worse things then KouKari. But then again, I prefer Miyako x Hikari...but this is coming from a non-Koushiro fan. ^ ^;;; (Eep! Ne, don't kill me, Kyra, Cybra! It's just...um...*thinks* I think MK might have got to me. Besides, there's just something about him... ^ ^;;;;;;) In the last part of this fan fic, it kind of goes for a different angle...Takeru being in love with Hikari instead of Daisuke! Honestly, Daisuke could care less about her in this one...yay!
Oh, by the way...Cynthia, this is for your shounen-ai/shoujo-ai contest. ^_^
~*~
- Want -
She chose him.
Koushiro.
...This may sound like I have a big ego, but I was so *sure* that she was going to pick me.
So damn sure...
We've been through so much together...
Everyone thought that we would end up together, and one day people would be calling Yagami Hikari 'Takaishi Hikari'.
So did I.
You know, I never really think I loved her.
But I thought she loved me.
I knew it.
But....I guess I didn't.
And I wanted her to love me.
I thought I did, anyway.
But now I'm not to sure.
But it..hurts to see her with Koushiro. In his arms, kissing him, holding his hand, blushing whenever he gives her a hug...
It hurts a lot.
It hurts to see Taichi and Yamato together, too. And it hurts to see Miyako looking at Mimi that way, and sometimes I'll even catch Mimi looking back.
Does that mean that I love all of them too?
I think it's...I just...
You know, want to be loved. That way.
So I turned to the person who I thought who loved me...
I still hurt. And I still want love.
Is it that selfish, to want love?
It was selfish to want love from Hikari, since I didn't love her back...and she was in love with someone else.
Koushiro, you lucky bastard, I hope you're happy. Love her.
Don't you hurt her.
Kami-sama, don't you hurt her.
Yamato's been feeling sorry for me lately. He's been giving me this look, as if he pities me, and he told me that if I ever need anything, to come to him. Anything at all.
I think he was offering to get me a date.
I'm not ready to go out yet. I know that if I go out, I'll begin to have a good time...then I'll think about Koushiro and Hikari. About what a great time they're having, about how they're sitting in some fancy resturaunt, her in a pretty dress, him in his a tuxedo he must have spent a fortune on, how he just told some lame joke, she laughs, he slides his arm around her, looking to her her eyes, she stops laughing, they look deep into each others eyes, and then they lean in close to each other, and...
It's not fair, dammit...
I'm surrounded by girls who all say that they think I'm 'rad', and I could care less about them...
People think I have the perfect life...girls, friends, family...
It's not fair...
They...they don't know.
- Need -
Him. She chose...him.
Thank Kami-Sama that she chose Koushiro.
This is selfish, but it would kill me if she chose Takeru.
I would kill her if she chose Takeru.
Maybe not kill her, but...you know...go run up to my room and cry like a girl.
Yeah, that's it.
It all started out so simple, you know? There was a pretty girl. I liked her. The end.
Then came along this tall, blond guy, with amazing blue eyes and a dorky hat, and I thought he liked her.
Then some shit happened (what? you think I know?), and next thing you know, I'm drooling over the guy and I'm barely keeping up to pretending I like the girl.
Meanwhile, I'm the leader of the group that could care less what I think, all my 'friends' hate me, and I'm a total jerk to the guy-*guy*-that I love.
It sucks to be me.
I considered running away a while ago-but I guess it would just call attention to me, and everyone would make a big deal about it, about me, and....it's just too risky. Besides, I don't have the guts.
And I know I couldn't go without seeing Takeru for less then a day...I'm like that. I like torturing myself, I guess.
I feel like I'm gonna puke now....I get sick, just thinking about...it.
You know, I think about...it...often.
I'm hoping that I'll get sick and die. That way I won't have to worry about this anymore.
...........Knowing my luck, I'll probably live forever.
I hate myself. I seriously hate myself. It would be so much easier just to kill myself, but I probably couldn't even slit my wrists right.
They all think I'm in love with Hikari, and I hate Takeru...along with thinking I'm a stupid jerk with a big ego.
I don't love her.
I really could care less about her.
I don't love her that way. I never did. I never will.
I don't hate him.
I'm scared of him.
Scared of what he would do if he found out how I felt.
Scared of what he would happen...if he loved me too...
- Feel -
Two boys sat alone, each waiting for the appearance of Izumi Koushiro and future Izumi Hikari. Wouldn't it be just their luck, having to go on a mission-alone, without digimon, since 'it wasn't a mission that required a battle' and 'it would be best to let the digimon rest up'-with the girl that they had once loved, and still loved, and the one that she loved?
Or so the other one thought. Everyone else assumed that both boys still loved Hikari with all of their heart, and always would. Those people obviously didn't know the true love of Motomiya Daisuke or Takaishi Takeru.
~It's been four years. Four fucking years...and he still loves her. Oh, sure, I know that he would never love *me*...but she loves him now. Not a chance that they'll ever break up. Did he see that huge rock on her finger, or does he think it's just some growth? ...Even though it's selfish, I really wish he would just stop loving her. What's so great about her, anyway? Just because she's a pretty, smart, caring girl that puts everyone else in the world before herself and what she wants?~
~I hate her for this. I might-*might*-have cared for her once, she found someone else, and now I can't move on. I never even loved her, and I can't move on! I can't love anyone else! What did that girl do to me? I love her like a sister. I love her like a sister...I really do. I just...can't accept it! I don't love her. I never did. And I want her to be happy. But...I can't just let myself be happy. Is that so wrong, wanting to be happy?~
"Ugh...I'm just being selfish here." Takeru sighed, flopping down on his back.
"Nani?" Daisuke looked over at the blond, knowing fully what he was talking about, even though it really didn't make sense, and if he didn't want to get hurt *agian*, he should just keep his mouth shut.
"Huh? Oh, nothing Daisuke."
~Nothing for you to worry about...you lucky bastard, you stopped loving her a long time ago...~
"What did make you stop loving Hikari, Daisuke?" Takeru pulled himself up, cocking his direction upward. ~Maybe I can learn from you...~
"I...I..." Daisuke sighed. "I don't know. Honestly...I stopped loving her a long time ago. Before she and Koushiro..." He let the last sentence hang, for Takeru's sake.
"...When?" Daisuke sighed, part of him wishing that Takeru would stop asking so many questions, but part of him wishing that Takeru would keep on with the 'Q and A'.
"When you came along." He thought alound, not really meaning to say that. ~Nani!? Did I say that?! Oh shimatta...well, I guess that earned me the crown of king of baka's, at least...~
"...Nani?" Takeru blinked, and Daisuke was sure Takeru was thinking what he just was.
"Um, I just mean around the time that you came to town, I stopped loving her." ~Yeah, that's exactly what I meant...~
"Oh." ~Why do I feel so...? It's not like I *wanted* him to say something else...~
And with that, both fell into an awkward silence.
"Why did you act like it?" Daisuke looked away from the inquiring Takeru, who had chosen to resurface the conversation.
"Denial." Takeru nodded slightly, wanted-almost needing-to ask more, but leaving it at that.
"She treated me like shit." Daisuke went on, wishing that Takeru would ask more, but knowing that he had to say this. ~It'll all be better this way....~
"I knew it, too. But I went on pretending I was in love with her, just so no one would know. Just so I wouldn't slip up, just so no one would catch on. I hated it, too, since I had to treat that person...that person who I really love, I had to treat like shit..."
Takeru froze. ~No, he doesn't mean...~
"Why? What was so bad about loving this person, Daisuke? Did this person have a disease or something? Evil?"
"No, no, it was just..."
"....Just?"
"DISGUSTING, okay!? It's just...! It's sick! I swear, every time I think about how I can't love this person, I want to puke, and whenever I think about how I love this person, I *do* puke, so shut the hell up!"
~...Wow...~ Takeru bit his lip, totally unsure of what to do next. Placing a hand on Daisuke's shoulder, he took in a breath.
"Look, Daisuke...I can't lie to you and say that I feel the same way. I don't...at least, not now."
Daisuke nodded weakly, fighting back tears. ~Dammit, why the hell am I crying? I should've expected this...~
"I know how hard it is to love someone, and not have them love you back..." ~Or not know who they are...~ Pushing his thoughts aside, Takeru continued. "I know it's not something anyone would ever want to feel. But, I can't do this without hurting you in some way..." ~Just like Hikari hurt you.~
Daisuke was tempted just to run off then and there, but somehow he managed to stay put. ~It'll be better this way...besides, now...maybe whatever the hell I feel for him will just go away.~
"So, I need to say this..." Takeru knew that it would be hell for him to do this, considering the situation and exactly who he was saying this too. ~Maybe...maybe...oh, who the hell am I kidding? I could never do this to someone. I would never do this to someone. But...I...Hikari...him...what am I thinking!? If I do that, and I don't...but, then again, if I just...ugh, why the *hell* did this have to happen!? Life can't be simple, can it?!~
Sucking in a breath and then counting to ten, Takeru looked Daisuke in the eyes.
"Daisuke, I..."
~*~
There...I revised the ending, because it bites. ^_^ I really don't like this ending, but it's better then the last one, ne?
A/N: Matt&Mimi, finally, here is that fic you requested! Takeru x Daisuke, with the *slightest* bit of Koukari. *ahem* No, I do not support Koukari that much, but it's required. Besides, it's better then Takari or ...'Mimato'....or Koushiro x Miyako and Ken x Miyako, I guess...(no offense to you Miyako fans, it's just that I see her as kind of a...gold digger, since I have no other way of putting it.) There are worse things then KouKari. But then again, I prefer Miyako x Hikari...but this is coming from a non-Koushiro fan. ^ ^;;; (Eep! Ne, don't kill me, Kyra, Cybra! It's just...um...*thinks* I think MK might have got to me. Besides, there's just something about him... ^ ^;;;;;;) In the last part of this fan fic, it kind of goes for a different angle...Takeru being in love with Hikari instead of Daisuke! Honestly, Daisuke could care less about her in this one...yay!
Oh, by the way...Cynthia, this is for your shounen-ai/shoujo-ai contest. ^_^
~*~
- Want -
She chose him.
Koushiro.
...This may sound like I have a big ego, but I was so *sure* that she was going to pick me.
So damn sure...
We've been through so much together...
Everyone thought that we would end up together, and one day people would be calling Yagami Hikari 'Takaishi Hikari'.
So did I.
You know, I never really think I loved her.
But I thought she loved me.
I knew it.
But....I guess I didn't.
And I wanted her to love me.
I thought I did, anyway.
But now I'm not to sure.
But it..hurts to see her with Koushiro. In his arms, kissing him, holding his hand, blushing whenever he gives her a hug...
It hurts a lot.
It hurts to see Taichi and Yamato together, too. And it hurts to see Miyako looking at Mimi that way, and sometimes I'll even catch Mimi looking back.
Does that mean that I love all of them too?
I think it's...I just...
You know, want to be loved. That way.
So I turned to the person who I thought who loved me...
I still hurt. And I still want love.
Is it that selfish, to want love?
It was selfish to want love from Hikari, since I didn't love her back...and she was in love with someone else.
Koushiro, you lucky bastard, I hope you're happy. Love her.
Don't you hurt her.
Kami-sama, don't you hurt her.
Yamato's been feeling sorry for me lately. He's been giving me this look, as if he pities me, and he told me that if I ever need anything, to come to him. Anything at all.
I think he was offering to get me a date.
I'm not ready to go out yet. I know that if I go out, I'll begin to have a good time...then I'll think about Koushiro and Hikari. About what a great time they're having, about how they're sitting in some fancy resturaunt, her in a pretty dress, him in his a tuxedo he must have spent a fortune on, how he just told some lame joke, she laughs, he slides his arm around her, looking to her her eyes, she stops laughing, they look deep into each others eyes, and then they lean in close to each other, and...
It's not fair, dammit...
I'm surrounded by girls who all say that they think I'm 'rad', and I could care less about them...
People think I have the perfect life...girls, friends, family...
It's not fair...
They...they don't know.
- Need -
Him. She chose...him.
Thank Kami-Sama that she chose Koushiro.
This is selfish, but it would kill me if she chose Takeru.
I would kill her if she chose Takeru.
Maybe not kill her, but...you know...go run up to my room and cry like a girl.
Yeah, that's it.
It all started out so simple, you know? There was a pretty girl. I liked her. The end.
Then came along this tall, blond guy, with amazing blue eyes and a dorky hat, and I thought he liked her.
Then some shit happened (what? you think I know?), and next thing you know, I'm drooling over the guy and I'm barely keeping up to pretending I like the girl.
Meanwhile, I'm the leader of the group that could care less what I think, all my 'friends' hate me, and I'm a total jerk to the guy-*guy*-that I love.
It sucks to be me.
I considered running away a while ago-but I guess it would just call attention to me, and everyone would make a big deal about it, about me, and....it's just too risky. Besides, I don't have the guts.
And I know I couldn't go without seeing Takeru for less then a day...I'm like that. I like torturing myself, I guess.
I feel like I'm gonna puke now....I get sick, just thinking about...it.
You know, I think about...it...often.
I'm hoping that I'll get sick and die. That way I won't have to worry about this anymore.
...........Knowing my luck, I'll probably live forever.
I hate myself. I seriously hate myself. It would be so much easier just to kill myself, but I probably couldn't even slit my wrists right.
They all think I'm in love with Hikari, and I hate Takeru...along with thinking I'm a stupid jerk with a big ego.
I don't love her.
I really could care less about her.
I don't love her that way. I never did. I never will.
I don't hate him.
I'm scared of him.
Scared of what he would do if he found out how I felt.
Scared of what he would happen...if he loved me too...
- Feel -
Two boys sat alone, each waiting for the appearance of Izumi Koushiro and future Izumi Hikari. Wouldn't it be just their luck, having to go on a mission-alone, without digimon, since 'it wasn't a mission that required a battle' and 'it would be best to let the digimon rest up'-with the girl that they had once loved, and still loved, and the one that she loved?
Or so the other one thought. Everyone else assumed that both boys still loved Hikari with all of their heart, and always would. Those people obviously didn't know the true love of Motomiya Daisuke or Takaishi Takeru.
~It's been four years. Four fucking years...and he still loves her. Oh, sure, I know that he would never love *me*...but she loves him now. Not a chance that they'll ever break up. Did he see that huge rock on her finger, or does he think it's just some growth? ...Even though it's selfish, I really wish he would just stop loving her. What's so great about her, anyway? Just because she's a pretty, smart, caring girl that puts everyone else in the world before herself and what she wants?~
~I hate her for this. I might-*might*-have cared for her once, she found someone else, and now I can't move on. I never even loved her, and I can't move on! I can't love anyone else! What did that girl do to me? I love her like a sister. I love her like a sister...I really do. I just...can't accept it! I don't love her. I never did. And I want her to be happy. But...I can't just let myself be happy. Is that so wrong, wanting to be happy?~
"Ugh...I'm just being selfish here." Takeru sighed, flopping down on his back.
"Nani?" Daisuke looked over at the blond, knowing fully what he was talking about, even though it really didn't make sense, and if he didn't want to get hurt *agian*, he should just keep his mouth shut.
"Huh? Oh, nothing Daisuke."
~Nothing for you to worry about...you lucky bastard, you stopped loving her a long time ago...~
"What did make you stop loving Hikari, Daisuke?" Takeru pulled himself up, cocking his direction upward. ~Maybe I can learn from you...~
"I...I..." Daisuke sighed. "I don't know. Honestly...I stopped loving her a long time ago. Before she and Koushiro..." He let the last sentence hang, for Takeru's sake.
"...When?" Daisuke sighed, part of him wishing that Takeru would stop asking so many questions, but part of him wishing that Takeru would keep on with the 'Q and A'.
"When you came along." He thought alound, not really meaning to say that. ~Nani!? Did I say that?! Oh shimatta...well, I guess that earned me the crown of king of baka's, at least...~
"...Nani?" Takeru blinked, and Daisuke was sure Takeru was thinking what he just was.
"Um, I just mean around the time that you came to town, I stopped loving her." ~Yeah, that's exactly what I meant...~
"Oh." ~Why do I feel so...? It's not like I *wanted* him to say something else...~
And with that, both fell into an awkward silence.
"Why did you act like it?" Daisuke looked away from the inquiring Takeru, who had chosen to resurface the conversation.
"Denial." Takeru nodded slightly, wanted-almost needing-to ask more, but leaving it at that.
"She treated me like shit." Daisuke went on, wishing that Takeru would ask more, but knowing that he had to say this. ~It'll all be better this way....~
"I knew it, too. But I went on pretending I was in love with her, just so no one would know. Just so I wouldn't slip up, just so no one would catch on. I hated it, too, since I had to treat that person...that person who I really love, I had to treat like shit..."
Takeru froze. ~No, he doesn't mean...~
"Why? What was so bad about loving this person, Daisuke? Did this person have a disease or something? Evil?"
"No, no, it was just..."
"....Just?"
"DISGUSTING, okay!? It's just...! It's sick! I swear, every time I think about how I can't love this person, I want to puke, and whenever I think about how I love this person, I *do* puke, so shut the hell up!"
~...Wow...~ Takeru bit his lip, totally unsure of what to do next. Placing a hand on Daisuke's shoulder, he took in a breath.
"Look, Daisuke...I can't lie to you and say that I feel the same way. I don't...at least, not now."
Daisuke nodded weakly, fighting back tears. ~Dammit, why the hell am I crying? I should've expected this...~
"I know how hard it is to love someone, and not have them love you back..." ~Or not know who they are...~ Pushing his thoughts aside, Takeru continued. "I know it's not something anyone would ever want to feel. But, I can't do this without hurting you in some way..." ~Just like Hikari hurt you.~
Daisuke was tempted just to run off then and there, but somehow he managed to stay put. ~It'll be better this way...besides, now...maybe whatever the hell I feel for him will just go away.~
"So, I need to say this..." Takeru knew that it would be hell for him to do this, considering the situation and exactly who he was saying this too. ~Maybe...maybe...oh, who the hell am I kidding? I could never do this to someone. I would never do this to someone. But...I...Hikari...him...what am I thinking!? If I do that, and I don't...but, then again, if I just...ugh, why the *hell* did this have to happen!? Life can't be simple, can it?!~
Sucking in a breath and then counting to ten, Takeru looked Daisuke in the eyes.
"Daisuke, I..."
~*~
There...I revised the ending, because it bites. ^_^ I really don't like this ending, but it's better then the last one, ne?