Chapter 1 – Either Way, I'll Break Your Heart Someday
So the other day I decided to take a chance, and not just about some arbitrary decision that really has no consequence, but a legit chance on how I feel about someone. But before I just throw you into that whole situation, I should introduce myself. Hold that thought, someone way more beautiful needs to be introduced first…
"Hey babe, how're you this lovely morning?"
"Well someone's unusually chipper today."
And that would be my oh-so-funny girlfr… uurrr, um, friend. Best friend, that's a girl, that I happen to be hooking up with. Okay, so she's way more than my best friend, but for some reason I can't bring myself to say the "g" word. And no, not gay. The more intimidating word… I just don't know what it is about the official title, but it's so hard to even think about.
"….hello?, gorgeous?, did you even hear me?"
"Huh? Yeah yeah yeah. Sorry, I spaced out there for a minute, just thinking of you. And I know, but thanks for the compliment anyway."
"The size of your ego never seizes to amaze me. Once I say anything about your looks or body, you immediately start to listen."
"It's too big, it's too wide… It's too strong, it won't fit…"
"Oh my God, I can't believe you just started to sing that song about yourself…"
"What do you expect? She's awesome. Plus I remember YOU being the one who demanded we play that CD for a month straight."
"Whatever you say, you still listen to Beyonce. We both know it. But I have to get to class, because unlike some people standing here, I actually have to be in attendance."
"It's not my fault you chose lots of intellectual classes. So have fun learning and I'll see you tonight girl."
She casually steps closer to me and takes the coffee I have been holding for her this whole time out of my hands slowly while also leaning in to give me a kiss. Now who can refuse such an awesome girl a silent request/demand like that? Definitely not me, so I happily kiss her back and just as I run my tongue over her bottom to deepen the kiss, she takes a step back, putting a lot more space than I want at this moment between us. She gives me the look that says I should know better. She is about to be late after all.
"Sorry Ash, we can pick back up once I come over to your apartment tonight."
My smile kind of falters, but I quickly turn on my charming smile. Hopefully she won't notice I forgot we made plans last night to hang out tonight again.
"…You forgot, what am I going to do with you?"
"No, I didn't forget. Well, I did, but it's not like I made other plans already. So we're still good. You best be going. You're late as it is."
"I'm such a priority to you, I feel so loved… but thanks again for the coffee. Shoot, okay. I'm so late. I'll call when I'm out."
With one more quick kiss, she turned the corner toward her classroom. I'm sure she will be calling me right after she gets her work done. See, that's just the thing, before she (welcomingly) interrupted my explanation to you, I was trying to get at.
Her name is Spencer Carlin. She's been my best friend since day one of college. And now she's so much more than that. We go to UCLA, I couldn't stand to live anywhere but Los Angeles. And I'm here for music and business, hence why she makes fun of me about never going to classes. I basically just play music for hours and hours as my "classes," but I occasionally have meetings and I do take some other classes that require attendance. I've lived in L.A. since I was born, and I've traveled the world for a bit but still made it back here because it's home. On the other hand, Spencer had really never been to this great state until she looked here for school. She said she flew in for one day to tour the school and fell in love with the place. So when she flew back home to Ohio, she told her parents that is where she would be going to school if she got in (as if she would've gotten rejected). Apparently after months of debate and negotiations, she got her wish and enrolled at UCLA. Her parents are another topic that I'm not really feeling like getting into right now, but I for sure will when I have enough time. Anyway, I'm so happy she did come here, because in turn, I got my wish too. Meeting the girl who gets me, slash she's the most genuine and real girl ever slash she's so hot (Just facts, she totes is).
And I guess you're probably wondering why in the world I can't bring myself to say the "g" word, even in my thoughts, because we pretty much are dating (for some odd reason that term is less official to me, just go with it). It seems as if I have it all, and I know I really do. Because she would never fuck me over, although I'm so scared I might hurt her. She's very attached. Don't get me wrong, I would die for that girl in an instant, but I really don't have a legitimate answer for why I feel suffocated by her at times. Since we started hooking up, I feel more and more pressure to make this official. And it's really nothing to do with Spencer, these are all of my problems with no rationale behind them. If anything since we stepped up our friendship, I would say she has backed off a little bit. Not too much, because that's just not her personality, but her calling me after she gets out of class and me buying her things and us hanging out was the usual even when we were still in the "friends zone"… though, one could argue we are still technically in that zone.
Sometimes I think she realizes I can't fully commit. Not even in the sense that I would want to hook up or date anyone else, but she notices the little things. So do I. For example, whenever I say bye with "girl" at the end (or any other time I say girl for that matter), I can tell her smile almost drops. It's like she's expecting me to say the longer "g" word… the one ending in, well, "end." And if it becomes official, it will end at some point just like everything else I normally mess up. And how I want to say it so bad, but I just don't want to hurt her. At all, I want to protect her from the world, including myself.
So yeah, I want to just say that my problems stem from the fact that I love hanging out with my other friends too. Wow, that makes it seem like I never want to chill with Spencer, but that's the opposite of what's happening. I want her to be there so both of us can hang out with all of our friends at once. I love Spencer, but I just don't know if I should have taken this step up with her. Gahh… this is why my decision is actually effecting my daily life. All I do is think about what could make her life easier, and I'm way too much stress for her perfect self. I don't want to mess this up, and I get more nervous the more and more she wants to hang out without anyone else there. We did it before we were dating everyday because I can't stand to be without her for any longer than that, but now I feel nervous. Ashley Davies does not get nervous. I should be making girls swoon, but I know I make the most important girl swoon, she just catches me off guard sometimes too. And I'm not used to it and I don't want to distance myself from her. I want to be there for her always, and I think that becoming more than friends may be slowing shutting off that option. But who knows… I need to get out of my own head and have a talk with Aiden before Spence calls me about tonight. I heard some things around campus about him and my sister back together. Kyla better know what she's getting into, considering he's playing basketball. And I'll beat his ass if he's trying to screw her over.
So I hop back into the most important thing in my life… I said thing, as in object, not person… my one and only Porsche. My prize possession. Not even kidding, it's vintage and I won it at a car show when I was 16. I had to have it, and thanks to my inheritance… I easily outbid everyone else for this one-of-a-kind model. But moving on, I have business to take care of and only a few hours to get it done. Damn Aiden and his basketball practice all the time. So I leave the academic buildings and drive toward my apartment because I know for sure he wouldn't make the effort to go a couple of more blocks to his own place. I should kick his ass for that and for not talking to me about the Kyla thing. I had to hear it from some friends I have classes with. Yet I can't stop thinking about the beautiful blonde (who's pretty much always on my mind) even with this other "distracting" situation.