AN: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, Cubie! I love you, thank you for being my most faithful reviewer and one of my best online friends. Here's some sexy angst! Sirius for you. FA sistahs FTW!
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing. I would like to own Sirius in a shirt, but that's just the pervy part of me talking. ;)
q.u.i.n.q.u.e..d.e.s.i.d.e.r.i.u.m.
five regrets
and five things that Sirius Black should have said
i. I'm done.
Raucous laughter, half-naked everybody and handsome seventh-years with school ties bound around foreheads.
Sirius has his shirt off, beads of sweat crawling down the sides of his olive face as James passes him another shot. His gold-and-scarlet tie is tied around his left bicep like a junkie after a hit, leaving a purpling bruise, like an opening orchid. But Sirius is kilometers passed gone, and really couldn't care less.
"Sirius, you wanna 'nother, mate?" It's James asking, of course it's James. There's a moment of startling maturity as Sirius realizes that tomorrow is Transfiguration test and he's going to still be fucking wasted because whoa man, where did the time go, there's only two hours until breakfast.
He wants to refuse and stumble up to bed, tell James nah man, I need to pass out, but instead he shakes his head (bad idea) and motions for another drink.
ii. I love you.
The first night, he finds a girl reading Jane Eyre in a pub. (who reads in a pub?) But he doesn't condemn her as I he buys her drink after drink. He takes her home; she's got the biggest brown eyes he's ever seen and a mouth like a fucking drunk sailor.
The second night, he asks for her name, and she grins, slams a shot and says Faye. He thinks it's an odd name, but it suits her, her nest of dreadlocks and tight ,tight bellbottoms and the faded old button-downs she wears. Odd names for an odd couple. Sirius and Faye. Faye and Sirius.
So they go out and buy groceries and handcuffs and passels of other necessaries and hole themselves up in Sirius' flat for a month, doing absolutely nothing but making love and watching old movies.
Not even James or Remus can get Sirius to come and socialize, not even to have a drink at the pub and watch a game.
I can't, he always says, I'm busy with Faye. She's so important. And this scares them a bit, because he's never been like this before. Not even with…her.
It's bliss and perfection and too many drugs and too much alcohol until the day they get in a fight because Faye says I love you and he won't say it back. Say it, Sirius, she says, Say it . Say it and mean it or I'm gone.
The words are in his throat and he knows he does love her, but in the back of his head there's a voice going Marlene, Marley, Lee, Mac, Marlene, Marley, Marlene and even though she's dead he feels like he's being unfaithful if he says it to Faye, because he hadn't said it to Marlene when he loved her so much more.
Faye leaves. She doesn't slam the door or curse or do anything Sirius expects her to. She simply drops her ring into the ashtray, and disapparates.
He sits down and cries.
iii. I'm sorry.
For as famous as he is for being a ladies' man, he doesn't seem to have luck with women (the woman) he loves.
Marlene seems to hate him these days. All because he called stupid Shacklebolt a name and wouldn't apologize. And he won't say it and she can't do anything but kick him under the table at dinner (how immature, they both think, how sad is it that we've been reduced to kicking?) but neither of them have been ones for talking so all she does is kick him and deny him sex.
He just drinks more.
One night she comes out of the bedroom with orders from Dumbledore and drunkenly, roughly he pushes her against the wall, trying to kiss her, and in his own way, make things right. Right. Wrong. Right?
She pushes him away, disgusted. You could have prevented this, Sirius. Two simple words, you…you… you jerk! And she stomps on his foot, leaving him hopping and leaves, she leaves without so much as a backward glance.
Just like anyone he's ever loved.
iv. Stop.
The stage is set. It's too familiar. Dumbledore tells him this daily, whenever Sirius comes to visit his pensieve; It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live. But he's not forgetting to live, he's trying to change the life that haunts his dreams every night.
He watches his own once-handsome face light up with laughter as Peter claps, James snickers and Remus further puts his nose in his book.
James Potter! Ahh, and then there's Lily and then a flash of light and Snape, Snape is dangling upside down, his graying underpants displayed for all to see and the ragged old Sirius with too many tattoos screams for James to STOP, stop, you don't know what he can do! But of course no one can hear him.
The scene progresses; Snape calls Lily that name, he hurts her, cuts her deeply. Sirius was still laughing, snickering quietly to himself finding it all quite amusing really. James eyes' narrow and the scene gets foggy and restarts.
Sirius watches this memory a thousand different times, each time in more and more anguish and wringing of his hands. Dumbledore nor Remus can understand why he subjects to himself to this self-inflicted torture. But he just grins sadly and says I'm a masochist, when in reality he just wants to change it all, he wants to say stop, stop James, just stop.
Because it's all his fault.
v. Goodbye.
He's always known he'd die young. It's just a feeling in his gut, and the gut of Sirius Black is never wrong.
He didn't write a letter, he didn't hug him more, all he does is leave Harry behind with two broken mirrors and a broken heart. Again.
He can't seem to do anything right, can he?