You Can Leave Your Hat On
lone astronomer
Rating: PG-13 (it's not too graphic! J )
Archive: As long as I'm told about it!
Dedication: To my insane friend, Anna, who gave me the idea quite by accident.
Summary: The Full Monty- James Potter style? What was I thinking?! ;) Ah well. As long as Sirius is in it, right?
Disclaimer: I own no one, I make no profit. I intend no infringement. They go together, see? I don't know who the song belongs to, because it's been done by at least three artists, but it's not mine. I'm thinking of the Tom Jones version; I like it best.
Author's note: I'm certifiably insane… hopefully this hasn't been done before. If it has, sorry I'm invading your territory. I assure you, it was unintentional.
Sincere apology to Europeans in general: I don't know if they have lots of strip-joints in Britain. I only know that here in Austria, in one trip uptown on one streetcar line, I can spot more strip-joints than I've ever seen in my life before. I used to find it kind of disgusting that that many people would degrade themselves like that; now it's only amusing. At any rate, I apologize in advance for the strange slant this will surely take.
And I really am trying to be funny. It's probably the trying to be funny part that makes it stupid, but I get credit for trying, right?
So, a great cure for writer's block, it's…
YOU CAN LEAVE YOUR HAT ON
Baby, take of your coat
Real slow
Baby, take off your shoes
I'll help you take off your shoes
Baby, take off your dress
Yes, yes, yes
You can leave your hat on
You can leave your hat on
You can leave your hat on
You can leave your hat on
You can leave your hat on
You can leave your hat on
Turn on the lights
All the lights
Come back here, stand on that chair
Oh baby, that's right
Raise your arms in the air
Now shake 'em
You give me reason to live
You give me reason to live
You give me reason to live
You give me reason to live
You can leave your hat on
You can leave your hat on, baby
You can leave your hat on
Suspicious minds are talkin'
They're trying to tear us apart
They don't believe in this love of mine
They don't know what love is
They don't know what love is
They don't know what love is
They don't know what love is
I know what love is
Oh, oh, oh,
You can leave your hat on
You can leave your hat on
The six of them sat in a little café in downtown Muggle London, making small talk like all the normal people around them, even though they weren't, by any definition, normal.
Two of them were werewolves; one of each sex. Four were Animagi. One of them had bright red hair and charming green eyes, the blonde one was a Diviner, and their dark-haired, silver-eyed friend was so beautiful that every Muggle in the place was staring. All of them were students at an elite college for students known as wizards or witches.
By far the tallest, James Potter, an Animagus with unruly black hair and gorgeous chocolatey eyes, leaned back in his chair and took in the place with an amused air. Suddenly making an observation, he nearly tipped over his chair in standing up. Across the street, a flashing neon sign read "Live Nudes". (And this is where the plot goes haywire…)
"Look, Padfoot!" he exclaimed rather loudly, kicking his friend to get his attention. "It's one of those nudie places!"
In perfect tandem, each of the three men at the table turned their heads to where James was pointing. Also in perfect tandem, the three women at the table shook their heads and whacked their foreheads with their palms.
"Where?!" Sirius asked, dark eyes darting frantically all over the surrounding area.
Remus, seeing the way Allya was watching James and Sirius (an amused expression, but one that clearly said, 'You join them and you're dead') decided to sit back down again.
"Boys," Mioré muttered, shaking her dark hair back out of her eyes. "You never can tell what they'll get up to next."
Allya snorted. "You obviously have never heard of a little hormone called testosterone, have you?"
Remus gave her an indignant look. "Have I just been accused of being a stereotypical male? I have, haven't I?" Finally, he flashed a grin (hearts melted at a nearby table). "My feminine side is hurt."
Before Allya could respond with a mock-sympathetic, "Poor baby," or a sardonic, "You have a feminine side?", Lily and Mioré were standing, physically restraining James and Sirius from running across the street.
"Boys," Lily muttered, echoing Mioré's earlier sentiment.
Finally settling down, James commented, "Those women must have the great life." Lily could see the wheels turning in his head, and didn't like it. "Handsome men putting Galleons in their underwear…"
"That would be cold," Lily muttered, looking up. "You mean pound notes, James." The last thing she wanted to do was have Muggles prying into their odd conversation. Luckily, most of them were focusing more on either Mioré, Sirius, or James, and not what they were saying, either.
"Right," James said, "pound notes."
"I don't think a stripper's life would be so great," Mioré said, entering her think-out-loud state of mind. "Must be awful degrading… not to mention, you couldn't be shy at all."
"Easy money," Sirius dismissed, oblivious to the look that was being exchanged between all three women.
Finally, Allya said, "Oh, yes. Don't you agree, Remus?"
The other werewolf was so startled by the question that he nearly toppled off of his chair. "Do I- well, of course I agree with you."
Three nearly identical, feral grins appeared on the women's faces. "In that case," Mioré began, "I propose a bet."
Sirius, James and Remus hissed and drew back. "A… bet?" Sirius asked tentatively, not sure he liked the idea at all.
"A bet," Lily repeated. "You three become professional male strippers for one night- say, in a weeks' time. If you can handle it and never once complain-"
Allya broke in, deciding to take the terms of the bet into her own hands. "If you don't complain once, the girls and I-" she made an encompassing gesture, taking in Lily and Mioré, "put on a show of our own." (She ignored their horrified looks.) "However, if you do complain-"
"You wait on us," Mioré finished. "Hand and foot. For a month."
James, Sirius, and Remus exchanged looks for a moment. Finally, James spoke. "Deal."
Sirius whooped. "Yes, this is going to be so easy-"
Remus looked aghast. "What?! Prongs, buddy, this is not a good idea-"
But James and Lily had already shaken hands- the deal was done, and he was only along for the ride.
"Does this shirt make me look fat?" Sirius asked.
James snorted. Padfoot had been standing in front of the mirror for ten minutes, changing shirts. "You have no idea how gay that sounded."
"How come it's not gay when Lily asks?"
"Because Lily's a woman, idiot."
"Oh, yeah." Sirius watched James, who was adjusting his tie. "You're wearing a suit?" he exclaimed, nearly horrified.
Remus walked in from the other room wearing a Muggle law-enforcement officer's uniform. He stopped dead in his tracks, regarding his two friends with a horrified air. "You are not wearing that."
"I'm not?"
Well, you won't be for long
. "That really won't do," Remus clarified, and he pulled out his wand (no, no, no, not that one! Sickos…). Moments later, a strange dread had formed in their stomachs…A policeman, a doctor, and a fireman stood in the dorm-room…
"Why do I have a bad feeling about this?" Sirius asked, adjusting the coat and the hat.
"Probably because we are doomed to failure," James answered, morosely flinging his stethoscope across the room. It landed on the sofa with a muffled whump.
Remus only laughed at them.
Baby, take off your coat
"You know," James said, peeking out through the curtain, "I have a bad feeling about this." Because he wasn't wearing his glasses, he couldn't see the audience.
"Shut up, James," Remus said, looking around in a paranoid fashion. "Someone might hear you complaining."
James shut up. Sirius watched the clock nervously. Suddenly, a voice came over the loudspeakers (but nobody could tell what was said, because they were very cheap loudspeakers, indeed). Each of the men felt a hand on his back and was pushed out onto the floor. (Sirius actually felt something pinch his ass, and let out a yelp as he was shoved.) Muggle music started, loud and with a jazzy tune.
Real slow
Sirius had given up all pretense of not having fun and threw himself into his work. Poor James' face burned as he tried to keep up with Remus and Sirius; the former was trying very hard not to laugh at himself and at his friends. And then he noticed the audience.
Baby take off your shoes
I'll help you take off your shoes…
In perfect tandem, three coats flew (aided by magic, of course) onto hooks on the poles. In the front row, Ally, Mioré, and Lily were having hysterical fits.
"I can't believe they took that bet seriously," Allya said, trying not to fall out of her seat when Remus issued a cheeky wink in their general direction.
"I can't believe they haven't complained yet," Mioré said, looking worried.
Lily grinned. "They will." She gestured behind them. "You don't think they're going to be happy about that, do you?"
Mioré took a look behind her and nearly choked. "Oh… my God, Sirius will kill me."
"On the contrary. He'll be your slave for a month."
Mioré shared Lily's feral grin and turned her attention back to the show.
Baby, take off your dress
Yes, yes, yes
Of course, none of them were wearing dresses, so shirts and then pants went next. (James still had his stethoscope and Remus, his handcuffs). By this time, however, comments were beginning to issue from the audience…
You can leave your hat on…
"Show us the hose!" whooped one excited patron.
"Where can I get a pair of 'cuffs like those?"
"Want to play doctor?" came yet another cat-call.
After that, there were mostly just whistles.
Mioré looked like she was about to go into shock. Lily and Allya both noticed the look on her face at about the same time and exchanged glances, trying not to laugh. "Earth to Mioré?"
Her eyes were still locked on the three men. "Oh… my… God." And she really did fall off of her chair.
Lily and Allya laughed until they cried, then dragged Mioré off to the dressing room, where they laid in wait for their tasty prey. (Sorry. Couldn't resist.)
You can leave your hat on
You can leave your hat on…
Oh, thank God, it's almost over
, Sirius thought, eyes burning a hole in the wall above the clock at the back of the room. Finally, the last trumpet blared, hats were tipped, and the three of them ran off of the stage."Oh," James said, eyes wide, "my… God. Tell me you're joking."
Sirius and Remus shook their heads, neither looking particularly amused. The somber faces clashed so with the robes (short and red, Lily was amused to notice) that they were wearing that Allya nearly gave herself away laughing. Hiding behind a coat rack underneath James' "borrowed" Invisibility Cloak, the three women (Mioré was now quite conscious) were recording every bit of complaining the men did.
"Nope. It's really gay and lesbian night." (A/n: yes, I am really that evil. Luckily, they can Apparate!)
James groaned. "I'm really glad I couldn't see a thing. That was a really cruel bet."
Sirius snorted. "You got that right. I'm never doing that again."
"Me neither," James agreed. "I really don't know how people can do this for a living."
Score one for Lil' and Mioré,
Allya thought, knowing Remus could smell them in the room.Remus raised his eyebrows.
"Except perhaps in the privacy of my own bedroom," James clarified.
Lily couldn't contain her laughter at this point and snorted aloud. Knowing they were caught, Ally pulled the cloak off of their heads. "Surprise," she said cheekily.
"Oh," said Sirius. "No."
"Oh yes!" Mioré said, flashing her best innocent smile (which was really very nice, but made ice form in Sirius' stomach). "You get to be my slave for a month."
Shouldn't be too bad
, Sirius thought, grinning in spite of himself."Shit," said James, not even pretending to be disappointed. "A win/win situation. Damn, I hate those."
Remus and Allya, on the other hand, were having quite a different conversation. "You naughty boy. You weren't supposed to use your remarkable restraint to win the bet."
"Are you going to spank me?"
"No."
"Even better?"
She grinned. "Absolutely."
And so Lily and Mioré were hand-fed grapes by handsome men for four weeks, and Ally and Remus did something totally different, which I'm sure I don't have to point out to all of you.
THE END
(Thank God)
lone astronomer: Okay, I have to say that first, this wasn't even the craziest thing I've ever written. Second, it sort of helped get over writer's block, so sometime next week I'll post Phoenix Tears, which comes after Rain, Replacements, and Regrets, and the next part of Road of Life. That's an optimistic estimate, but not terribly.
Thank you for reading this incredibly weird fic, and don't forget to write a crazy review. Even if you just say that this was kinkier than a pubic hair.