Title: BB Muirfield Files
Chapter 1: 1x01
Pairing: Catherine/Vincent
Genre: AU/ Crack Fic
Rating: R (to be safe)
Warning: Language and Violence
Spoiler Alert: S1 E14
Summary: A secret sect of Muirfield agents have found Vincent, but find themselves in a dilemma when they turn into fangirls and fanguy.
A/N: This is CrackFic at its craziest. This is an AU world where Muirfield agents have found Vincent and Catherine. Everything they say is being translated in real time to a cooking site and posted as comments. Only one person sits back reading what they are really saying. Everyone else in the world thinks the site is ran by bots because the comments don't make much sense and are incoherent.
Chicken Soup….*Muirfield code translator engaged…translating* = Muirfield File 1x01
4 cups – tea goes in the bowl *translating* = Charlie5 – Target acquired.
2 eggs – beaten *translating* = Echo4 – Moving to intercept.
1 diced tomato – let stand *translating* = Delta6 – Hold positions.
Charlie – Repeat target is acquired.
Delta – Stand down.
Alpha – Do not stand down reengage ASAP.
Echo – Negative Alpha leader.
Charlie – I have him what is the hold up?
Delta – Civilians.
Alpha – Not civilians. Two cops. Collateral damage is acceptable.
Echo – She uuuuuhhhh is very pretty, and so is the tall one but in a different way.
Delta – I know.
Alpha – I don't care what they are. Take him out. Now! That is an order.
Charlie – What the frack is happening?
Delta – I don't want to risk this with JT in the compound. Can't we wait till the lady cops are done interrogating JT and all of them leave then we take care of Scar Boy.
Charlie – Don't call him that.
Delta – Why not? You got a thing for him Charlize?
Charlie – Don't use my real name damn it! Just don't talk about him like that.
Echo – Both of you stow it.
Delta – Shut it Edward.
Echo – Stop calling me that. You know I can't stand that people keep mistaking me for Sparkly.
Charlie – Edward Cullen is not a sparkly. He is vampire.
Delta – Hey Edd, you ever notice when Charlie talks about Sparkly she goes all Bill True Blood on us?
Charlie – Alright Danica sexpot.
Delta – Stop bringing that up. I go under cover as a model slash race car driver Danica Patrick for a couple years, and I get defined by my body. Yes, thank you for that.
Echo – I don't mind watching you in the field. I appreciate your body and your mind. I just think Catherine and Tess are both lovely in their own ways. Look…Cat is looking up toward the loft. Did she hear Scar Boy?
Charlie – No, I think she can just sense him and stop calling Vincent that.
Delta – Calling the puppy by his name are we?
Alpha – All of you shut the frack up and do your job. You are supposed to be professionals.
Charlie – I can't. I just can't.
Delta – I know. Hey Sparkly do the honors.
Echo – Roger that.
Alpha – Finally. Finish it!
Echo – I am.
Alpha – What are you doing? You are moving away from the target.
Echo – New target acquired. Taking the shot.
*splat*
Echo – Target down.
Charlie – Thanks Sparkly.
Echo – Stop calling me that. What's happening now?
Delta – Ladies are leaving, but Cat is stopping to look back.
Echo – ETA 30 seconds. Charlie where is Scar Boy?
Charlie – Looking down at her but she can't see.
Echo – Eyes on. No, but she does feel him watching or is it just me?
Delta – It's not just you.
Charlie – What do we do now?
Echo – We report Alpha was found in the field clashed by Scar Boy and that we are trying to reacquire target.
Charlie – He is a person so stop calling him that. It is just rude.
Delta – Ok, defender of all things Vincent. He does have a scar.
Charlie – It is not nice to label people by what makes them different. It would be like me calling you Lesbian Girl.
Delta – I like ladies, so what. Sparkly…I agree Cat and Tess are cute. They would make a great couple.
Echo – Yes. Follow them.
Charlie – Stop it both of you. No shipping Cat and Tess. The Beauty should end up with the well um Beast. We need to stay on target and follow Vincent.
Echo – You really shouldn't use his real name.
Charlie – They are getting in the car. I am not calling him Scar Boy. How about Broody Bear?
Echo – No.
Delta – Never.
Charlie – Fine.
Delta – How about what you said. Her code name is Beauty and his code name is Beast.
Echo – That works for me. Who does that make Tess?
Delta – Seriously? Did you see the way she went after those guys last week at the bar. She is Lumier.
Echo – Does that make JT the clock guy Cogsworth? We can call him Cog.
Charlie – I don't know what is worse. That we killed our Muirfield leader or that both of you know the Disney cartoon names.
Echo – Scar Boy.
Charlie – Ok fine!
Delta – Fine what?
Charlie – Beauty and the Beast.
A/N: Ok, forgive me…LOL! Heheheheheeeeeeeeeee I could not help myself. It is CrackFic! It can be crazy. Heheheeee I wrote this in like 20 minutes while thinking about Season 1 Ep 1 right before bed. I hope I dream this or the next part.