Irrational Fear

by

Hibiki

"Oh come on! I don't need to hear about that!" Naruto laughed as Sakura tipsily recounted her and Lee's latest romp to Ino. Ino laughed, just shy of sending her drink through her nose as she giggled at his expression. Tenten beside her had no such composure and when the others saw they all laughed at the red faced kunoichi as she fanned her now singed nostrils.

"I have to agree." Tenten's voice seemed snubbed, as if she was holding her nose when she agreed with Naruto. "I love Lee like a brother, so hearing how he-!"

"NU-UH! Don't wanna hear it!" Naruto interrupted again. "You can wait until I'm not here to talk about that."

"Aw, but it's so fun watching your faces, Naruto! Especially when it's about Lee and his Mmmm 'Blue beast'." Sakura laughed. Ino and the others joined her moments later at his newest horrified face.

"Yeah I mean it can't be as bad as when Kiba talks about Hinata with the boys right?" Temari remarked with a snort.

"Actually Kiba is really shy about things like that." Hinata nodded in defense of her boyfriend. "It's actually Shikamaru who is the most... well vocal. Or rather he says you are." Naruto shrugged into his drink while Temari's face blushed bright as she stuttered out who knows what under her breath from the other women and their smirking faces. Silence reigned for a few minutes as they all finished, ordered, or started on their drinks. Ino watched as Naruto smiled contentedly as he looked at the group of girls he was sitting with.

"You know Naruto, how come you haven't gotten yourself a girlfriend yet?" Ino commented curiously, the man's shoulders jumped as he was put on the spot.

"W-what? What brought that on?" He asked nervously. Tenten a little more wasted then the others was far more abrupt.

"She's right! I mean you alternate between going out with us and the boys every week, but you've never brought anyone else here? I mean even Shino brought Akane." The incredibly shy brunette civilian at the end of the table started as she was thrust upon the center stage.

"You make it sound like a bad thing! I, for one, rather like Akane-chan. Shino fell for a very sweet girl." The girl blushed under Naruto's praise as the other girls pouted.

"We never said it was, baka. We meant you've never dated anyone, and well..." Sakura's bravado failed as she watched Naruto's eyes flicker about uneasily.

"We're worried about you, Naruto-kun." Hinata softly finished. Though her crush for him had turned into a close friendship, the Hyuuga heiress always had a soft stop for the blonde Jinchuriki.

"Hey. Hey, don't worry about me! I'm fine. Besides if I got a girlfriend I wouldn't be able to hang out with all the pretty girls now could I?" He joked but something in his smile hit those who knew him well. The smile was just a tad bit forced.

"No way!" Ino remarked. "You're too fun not to hang out with!" Naruto gave her a bright smile that had the lighter haired blond blushing.

"Oh, should I go warn Chouji that Naruto's seducing his girl?" Sakura teased. Ino not so lightly hit the pinkette's shoulder.

"Don't get me in trouble with my Chouji, forehead! Besides, it's not my fault Naruto always says the sweetest things." The rest nodded.

"If I didn't know better, I'd say he was trying to seduce us all from our men." Termari remarked with a wry grin. Poor Akane eeped at the thought as the other six laughed. That ended when a rather calm Naruto spoke.

"Oh no, you found me out." Naruto said seriously. The women looked to him, startled. "You're right. I have been secretly desiring you all and have been making plans of making you all mine." A few uneasy chuckles sprouted then died as his face remained impassive. A moment later when their looked grew to as distressed as his had been earlier, he smirked. "Just kidding." Two slaps to his arms by Ino and Temari who had been sitting beside him brought further laughter to him.

"For a moment I was worried you were serious, Naruto-kun." Hinata commented, holding a delicate hand against her rather endowed chest to calm her heart.

"No way! I mean I'd be lying if I said I didn't find you all really cute but..." He looked to his drink and gave a odd smile. "I'd want to get in the way of things between you all. Never." He gave his patented smile as he looked to them. "Besides, the guys would kill me if I tried." He gave an exaggerated thinking pose. "It'd probably be worth it, though."

Akane eeped again as the rest of them threw small items at the man, all laughing at his silliness as he overreacted to the rain of trash as if they were deadly weapons.

The closing bell was ringing, and the girls all rose up to meet their boyfriends who had also been partying at the same bar. As the six couples grouped together a lone man stood back and popped his shoulders free. Happiness filled him just as a slight jealous overtone topped it off as he watched them.

Silently he turned and began walking home, letting them all enjoy themselves. No need to be in their way.

"I'll see you later, Naruto-san!" Akane remarked as she waved from Shino's arms. The rest seemed to notice the retreating form of their friend and all called out to him. The Jinchuriki turned and waved goodbye to his friends wishing them well then continued on his way.

It was only then his smile dropped form his face leaving a tired and exhausted looking Naruto. Oh, it wasn't that he had not enjoyed himself, but merely the feeling of longing, that same feeling that had been with him his entire life, had been growing ever stronger lately. It was getting harder to hide it and it was only making it harder to not feel like he was.

Those smiles and happy faces of his friends brought a true smile to his face, but at the same time a pit opened inside of him, sucking the feeling away in place of envy, and finally guilt for feeling as envious as he did.

'You know Naruto, how come you haven't gotten yourself a girlfriend yet?'

"Because Ino-chan..." He muttered under his breath as her words echoed through his already cluttered mind, making it impossible for him to contain his response inside. "I'm terrified."

It had started years prior to becoming a ninja, when the world was against him and the only way to have them acknowledge him was to act the fool. And it hurt. It stung when people laughed at him like that, to be the idiot in front of the entire village, with everyone's eyes he both desperately wanted looking at him yet at the same moment anywhere but at him. Years spent like this had driven a small but unnoticeable crack in the mask he wore daily, that even he himself had not noticed until the 4th shinobi war had ended and peace and calm had returned to the world. When one no longer had to look out at the world for danger, but in. What he found was fear. Unending irrational and blind fear. Not of death or weapons or jutsu, but of the people he moved around and saw every day of his life. The small crack had grown into a gaping wound.

His group of friends were the rare few he could truly stand to be around, anyone else, unless he had known them years, he felt uneasy, as if the moment he would speak he would screw up and make a fool of himself. The thought plainly terrified him to even comprehend it, even though he knew it to be a irrational fear. Even at times, when he was comfortable dealing with people he knew and trusted not to laugh, he'd be almost on guard as though he would inevitably ruin it by saying something embarrassing. To that end, more and more often lately, thoughts and daydreams bringing back old memories of regretful moments occurred and so realistically he often blurted out the very thing he had wanted to do but hadn't in those memories out loud. It hadn't mattered if the action or words he had done or spoke happened years or minutes prior, all he could remember was trying desperately to alter something he knew he couldn't. That and the blind panic of the moment that had occurred, the shame. He had been lucky that he had only done them in private, lest someone catch him acting so embarrassingly and bringing more of the feeling onto him, let alone think him insane. But they were happening with increasing frequency. It felt like it was only a matter of time and the thought of being caught doing so had only further pronounced the feeling of disgrace he felt at himself. It was even beginning to affect his work, fearing every time he mistook something someone said, or when he himself misspoke he would be laughed at or judged. It had him tripping over his words, his thoughts too cluttered to truly be of any benefit. The thought of trying to date someone, like he was, made the idea alone sound terrifying and only pushed the thoughts of dating farther from his mind. He couldn't imagine not failing, and it felt safer, easier, less foolish is he merely redirected any interest onto people who would not judge or need to take interest in him.

It was this reason alone he felt perfectly capable of casually flirting with his female friends. They were taken, there was no pressure or fear of rejection, embarrassment, and more to the point that ever growing feeling of shame that pushed down on him. They were safe, and in his head the only ones he could act like that around. He could be what he wanted to be, and not worry about the small little things that would normally make him freeze or wish to run away. At least until they broke topic into things he knew in his mind and body would betray him on. Like tonight. The feeling of them laughing at him if they knew his fear almost toppled that of them trying to help him. He didn't want pity, or them to push some poor girl onto him who he would most certainly not impress or be able to make happy. It just wasn't possible, he would fail, and they would see him fail, and that thought alone was panic inducing. The weight of that feeling grew.

He knew it wasn't right to feel like this, it wasn't right to feel this way. But to go to someone, say he was like this only impounded the feeling further. The talk on peoples faces, the pity, the shame all of it.

He sat upon a bench and tried to breath through the surge of fear that rose up in his very being.

No, he couldn't handle that. He needed to deal with it on his own. To acknowledge the problem. But he knew deep down that would only force him to see how embarrassing he had truly become.

And he quite simply couldn't bear with the thought.

Think of this as the Anti-harem Naruto. Or rather, this Naruto has a very real problem people suffer. I'm rather embarrassed to say, myself included. There are many who find fear of this nature ridiculous, that it's not possible. Frankly they never would understand the complete fear that thought alone can produce. Everything Naruto has said here is frankly my own thoughts and feelings of this... whatever it is. But at the moment I have both the courage to write about it, as my thoughts drifted to a Naruto who would never be like some who have written surrounded by dozens of women all wanting his attention, I could not resist adding that piece of myself into it. Yeah I kinda feel like I am insane, but as I have learned a little insane is better than being boring. And I don't rather feel like I am boring. Most of my friends would agree on that, though they know of this issue with me and have never seemed to have a problem with it, greatly.

I don't know what to expect from writing this, but I do know, it felt nice to get that off my shoulders and hopefully not offend or perturb any of my readers.

Perhaps now I can focus more on happier stories or at least get the ones I have out of the hole they fell into.

Until next time: Ja ne