More than I deserve
Livin' with me, it ain't easy
But I do it everyday
Sometimes even now
I wanna run away
I can't believe how badly I fucked up. I had lost everything and for what? A fling. I chocked back a sob as I watched him packing up the last of his things. He couldn't leave me. I couldn't live without him. I knew this now. Running across the room I tried to grab his arms, but he just shook me off and I sunk to my knees. I held my head in my hands and shook my head.
'Please Shannon, please don't go. I'm so so sorry.' I cried.
He stayed silent and continued to pack. I didn't know what to do, I was on my knees begging and he was still leaving me. I had tried explaining and I knew my excuses were poor, completely unjustified.
But there you are
You're tryin' to please me
Yeah you stand your ground
It's more than I deserve
Yeah he was away a lot and yeah it got lonely but he was away working. For us. For our future. He wanted to make me happy and for us to have an amazing life together and I just threw it back in his face. I tried to explain again.
'Shannon, I'm sorry I really am, it wasn't meant to happen...'
He stopped what he was doing and turned to face me.
'It wasn't meant to happen Taylor? Wasn't meant to happen? What happened then, you tripped, fell on top of him?' he clenched his jaw with anger. 'because if that's your excuse its piss poor.'
'It's not my excuse.' I whispered.
'Well go on then, tell me your reasoning for being a slut.' He spat his words with such venom I was taken back. He never spoke to me like that before, but then again I've never treated him like shit before.
'I was lonely.' I started.
'So was I Taylor, do you not realise how lonely it is being on the road away from the one you love, away from the one you would do anything for? Only difference between me and you is I stayed faithful and didn't sleep around to make myself feel better.'
'I didn't sleep around. It was one guy.' I replied, knowing it wouldn't make things better but wanting to make it clear all the same.
'Oh so that makes it alright does it Tay? Because it was only one guy you cheated on me with it's all ok. Doesn't work like that I'm afraid.' He started packing again, but with more force this time.
I've taken more than I've been given
I've taken for granted this life I'm livin'
I don't know why heaven above
Blessed me with your sweet love
Though I never tell you what you're worth
It's more than I deserve
I was running out of things to say and I was running out of time, he was almost finished packing, as soon as he was done he would be gone. Forever.
'I love you Shannon.' I said, meaning every single word.
Shannon sighed as he folded up a t-shirt and placed it in the suitcase. He ran his fingers through his blonde hair and looked at his clothes.
'I can't argue with you any more Taylor, I haven't got the energy so please, unless your going to tell me this is all a joke or a dream or whatever, just be quiet.'
I wished I could tell him those things but both he and I knew I couldn't, I mean he caught us. No amount of talking could change that.
'I'm just sorry ok. I never meant to hurt you and I know I don't deserve your forgiveness or love but I just want you to know I'm sorry and if I could change what happened I would. I know I haven't shown it but I do appreciate everything you have done for me. And I appreciated your love. And I....I....I appreciated everything about you. Even if I didn't show it very well.' I sighed, knowing I was fighting a losing battle.
It's just your style to wear a smile
Oh baby you wear it well
If I had my way, I'd dress you in nothin' else
So come on here and lay down, a little while
'Cause you right now
You're more than I deserve
I don't know how long I was sitting there on the floor, hearing Shannon walk around the room picking up items. Looking down to the ground I saw his feet in front of me and realised he was standing over me. He bent down and lifted my chin with his finger. I looked into his eyes, could see the hurt I had caused him pouring out of them. What was he doing? My heart started beating slightly faster as he wrapped his arms around me, I responded, burying my head in his shoulder. Was he changing his mind about us? Was he going to give us a second chance? Because I swore to myself right there and then if he did I would make sure he made the right choice. No more fuck ups for me.
He unwrapped himself from me and laid down on his back on the floor, I laid next to him, his arm wrapped back around me. I couldn't hide the hope swirling through my body. We stayed like that in silence for a few moments and he turned to face me so I adjusted myself , looking into his eyes I gulped, was he going to try again? He slowly leaned forwards and brushed his lips against mine, I pushed back harder, I needed to taste him.
Pulling back I smiled but when I looked at him he didn't smile.
I've taken more than I've been given
I've taken for granted this life I'm livin'
And I don't know why heaven above
Blessed me with your sweet love
Though I never tell you what you're worth
It's more than I deserve
'I love you Taylor but I can't do this, I can't be with you knowing what you did, that kiss was just proof to me. Proof I couldn't touch you again without the image of you two running through my head, proof I couldn't trust you again....proof we couldn't be together again. Ever.'
He eased his arm from under my head and sat up, rubbing his eyes, he stood up and went back to his suitcase, zipping it up he placed it by the door and came and stood over me, I was still laying on the floor, my fingers pressed to my lips, the memory of his kiss making them tingle.
I've taken more than I've been given
I've taken for granted this life I'm livin'
And I don't know why heaven above
Blessed me with your sweet love
Though I never tell you what you're worth
It's more than I deserve
'I'm going now Taylor.' he said, no emotion shining through his voice.
I sat up and looked at him, my eyes pleading with his, he looked away and at the wall in front of him.
'You can keep the house, I'm not going to see you out on the streets. Plus I don't think I can stay here...in that bed...where....you know.' he glanced at it and I could see the disgust flash across his face, he quickly composed himself.
'Where are you going to stay?' I rasped, my throat sore from crying and pleading.
'I dunno, sure Matt or Jeff will take me in for now, when I'm not on the road, just until I can get my own place.' he responded, not once looking down at me.
I nodded, there was nothing else I could do.
'Well, see you Taylor.' he said 'Take care'
'You too.' I managed to say, anything more and I would have been back to the pleading mess I have been for the past few hours.
With that he walked to the door and picked up his suitcase. Opening the door he turned to look at me one last time and our eyes locked. Looking back down to the ground he sighed and walked out of the door, closing it behind him. I sat there staring at the door, listening to his footsteps and the front door slamming. Getting up, I ran to the window and watched him jump into his car, he sat there for a moment, the car not moving. Eventually I heard the engine start up and I watched him drive off into the distance until I couldn't see him any more. He was really gone.
Taken more than I've been given
And I've taken for granted this life I'm livin'
And I don't know why heaven above
Blessed me with your sweet love
Though I never tell you what you're worth
It's more than I deserve....