Belonging
PROLOGUE:
Don't hate me. Please, Peeta. You have to know I did it for you…for us. I never meant to hurt you. I thought you were just playing a part in my game. Those nights in the Hunger Games when you told me you loved me, I thought meant you knew what we were doing. But you didn't. You are so pure and good. And I'm horrible. I played you and used you. I used your feelings for me as a way to stay alive. And then…I broke your heart. I had no idea it would turn out this way. I didn't know that your amazing blue eyes would turn from being so full of life and love, to the dead and broken eyes that I have to look into now. But you still love me and I don't deserve that. I'm so different than the girl you fell in love with so many years ago. The Games changed me. Now I am a killer: A heart breaker. I am the girl on fire. But you are still Peeta, the boy with the bread. You are still the little boy who risked a beating to save my life. Sweet, innocent, loving Peeta. You are still the same wonderful boy who is in love with a girl he shouldn't be.
ONE:
My mind wanders constantly back to the boy with the bread. I'm staring out at the small lake in the clearing that Gale and I call "Our Spot." Even here I can't stop thinking about Peeta. A hand is placed on my shoulder and I just about jump out of my skin. Its only Gale. "What are you doing all alone out here?" He asks. His voice is flat. He hasn't been the same since Peeta and I have gotten back from the games. There I go again bringing up Peeta. "Just thinking…" I trail off vaguely. He nods. "So how is life as District Twelve's richest inhabitant?" His voice is bitter. But not towards me. He would never speak to me so coldly. "Busy. I barely have enough time to do anything. I can almost never even come here anymore." I say. "Well I'm sure you have enough to do with that drunken friend of yours. And Baker Boy." He can't even say Peeta's name. That makes me angry, and I don't know why. The way he says "Baker Boy" is so full of venom it makes me cringe. "What is that supposed to mean?" I spit at him. "Peeta wont even look at me, let alone spend time alone with me." I'm really angry now. He looks startled. "But I thought…you love him. Why would he not want to talk to you?" I guess he thought everything was just perfect under our starcrossed surface. "That's just the problem. I don't love him. Well, at least I told him that I don't. I told him that I faked the whole thing and then I broke his heart." I say. I don't have to hide anything here with Gale. Mostly because there are no cameras, but also because I trust Gale. He looks like someone has just rammed a train into his chest. "So you didn't chose him over me." I almost don't hear him. "I didn't chose anyone. It would have been so much easier if I could have chosen Peeta. But I can't. I love you both. I can't hurt you or Peeta." The look on his face tells me that I wasn't supposed to hear him. He is surprised. Yeah, I expected that. He just stares at me. Then he comes up to me and presses his lips lightly to mine. Uh, awkward. His hands are resting on the boulder I am sitting on, on either side of my hips. I pull away. Wow. His kiss is so much different from Peeta's. A bad kind of different. Peeta's kiss fills me up, while Gale's…makes me long for Peeta. Makes me want to kiss Peeta again. But I can't. I can't just waltz up and start kissing Peeta. It would hurt him. He'd think that I was playing him again. I need to talk to Peeta. He's not exactly the one who I should be spilling my guts about…well, him to. I don't want to hurt him again. But I really need to talk to him. I trust Peeta with my life and maybe he could help me.
TWO:
"Peeta?" I'm knocking on the door, hard. Of course, Peeta's mother answers the door. "Is Peeta there?" I ask. She kind of ignores me…."Hey Ma? Who's at the door?" It's him! "Peeta! It's me, Katniss." I yell to him. I have no idea what is up with his mother. Whatever. I hear a sort of crash and then he is there in front of the door. He looks at me with huge eyes. "Ma, let her in." He says. I walk through the door and take Peeta's hand in mine. His mother sill thinks that we are in love, so we have to keep up the charade in front of her. I honestly have no shame to do much with Peeta in front of people, even his mother. I lace his fingers through mine and pull him closer to me. "We need to talk." I say. He brings his free hand to my face and strokes my cheek with the back of his hand. I cant help myself, so I press my lips to his. Obviously this is more than he expected. I put my arms around his neck and bury my hands in his blond hair. He puts one hand at the small of my back and the other still rests on my cheek. Peeta is so beautiful. I don't let go. I need this. It is cruel to him but right now I don't care. I hold him tight and rise up to the tips of my toes deepening the kiss. I almost go limp but he holds me up. My jello-legs probably can't. Maybe I truly do love Peeta. He pulls back and there is a newfound hope in his eyes. I love that look. He takes me up to his room to talk and sits. He reaches his hand out to me and pulls me down onto his lap. I put my head down on his shoulder. "Peeta you aren't going to like what I have to say." He looks at me, worried. "What is it, sweetheart?" He asks. "I love you." He leans in for a kiss, but I pull back. I cant pull back much because I am still on his lap, enveloped in his arms. I won't get up, I like it here. "But I love Gale too. I cant bear to hurt him or you, so I don't know what I can do." He smiles. "Do you miss him now? Here with me?" he asks. Easy answer. "No. but when I am with him, I miss you." He smiles. "Tell me everything." He says. I do…everything. I tell him all about Gale and I, our relationship before the games, and about how I felt staying awake missing Gale during the Games. But I also told him about how I worried about HIM constantly. How in the sleeping bag he made me feel so safe. How sometimes I wanted him to hold me closer or kiss me again. "I feel like I used you. But I also feel like I belong with you." I had said. I love his gorgeous smile. At parts of my story he is hurt and I can tell. But at other parts he is happy. I can tell that too. That makes me happy. I realize, I don't love Gale the way I love the man I am with at all. I'm in love with Peeta. But Gale is loved by me like a brother. "Peeta, it's you. That I love." I say. Then I wrap my arms around his neck and he wraps his around my waist. I put my head back on his shoulder. Then I pull back away and kiss him once, we will have plenty of time for that later. "I love you, Peeta." I say. I love hearing myself say that. "I love you too, Katniss." Peeta says back. We both mean it with everything we have. I love Peeta and the feeling that I am in Peeta's arms…where I belong.