Title: Vamping (A Parody for Those with a Really Warped Sense of Humor)

Author: Marjatta *wonders if she should disguise her identity*

Summary: Robin discovers some unanticipated answers for Marian's strange behaviors.

Disclaimer: These characters are not mine. I just use them for my own evil purposes.

Rating: PG-13

Progress: completed

Authors Notes: Serious apologies in advance for my weird sense of humor. This is a parody inspired by generic vampire literature. I've had a draft of it laying around for a long time but have just polished it up. I hope you find it at least somewhat amusing. This is a one-shot.

Vamping, an Episode 2x11 Scene Extension of a Rather Different Kind

In episode 11, Marian meets Robin in the forest. They kiss, etc., but then the following ensues.

Robin was unhappy. "I still don't understand why you can't finally stay with me in the forest. It's too dangerous for you in the castle. Vaysey knows you pass me information. He is just trying to catch you. It's only a matter of time."

"Robin, I'm just trying to protect you," his beloved pleaded.

Vehement and petulant, Robin could not make sense of her behavior. "Doesn't my love matter more than whatever possible 'protection' you can give me from such a distance? I don't feel much safer when I am alone without you."

Marian looked like she would cry from misery. Or maybe explode from frustration.

Repentant, Robin tried another tactic. "I'm sorry. I just need you. You can't ask me to live again without you."

Marian was now truly miserable. "I know. I need you, too," she confessed.

"Then you will stay here?" Robin ventured.

"It's too d…"

"Stop it!" He could not stand this circular argument any longer. "Danger is everywhere. I'll just take my chances…."

Marian tried to be firm. "No, just listen!" It was no use. She had to tell him. "I'm the danger. I'm afraid I'll do something awful to you."

"Hunh?" Robin's eyes and mouth are gaping in his patented style used so effectively during his casino night raid on the castle storeroom.

Marian decided then that the moment of truth had indeed arrived. She could not fight it any longer. "It's because I'm a vampire. I could kill you. That's why I need to go away."

Struck dumb for a moment, Robin couldn't decide what question to ask first. He hesitated. Finally, his next words were, "What's a vampire?"

Marian squirmed under her fiancé's stare. "A vampire is a human who has been bitten by another vampire and as a result has become one, too. Vampires usually kill when they bite but not always. Usually they suck out all the blood from the body."

Robin envisioned what he had just heard. "Heh."

Silence grew between them.

Robin squinted skeptically as he thought about it, particularly of the time Marian did live in camp with him. "So, what happens when a vam- vamp-pire lives in my camp?"

"Robin, you have to understand. It was horrible for me. I'm so hungry; I want blood, but you are all my friends, and you…. I can't let any harm come to you. I love you."

Robin spontaneously grinned.

"But," Marian continued firmly, "the hunger can drive me out of my mind. So I must leave camp looking for an animal to suck on, but you always insist on following me to make sure I am safe. I love you for your devotion to me, but I'm insane with hunger, and I don't need the protection. Robin, I can actually kill a lot more effectively than you."

"I'd like to see that!" Robin flashes her a particularly snarky smirk with apparent nonchalance.

Frustrated beyond words by Robin's lack of fear, Marian threatens, "Robin, I'm serious. I'll show you my fangs."

"And I'll show you my… Oh! Those are fangs." Robin was clearly impressed.

Marian pushed Robin away as she quickly struggled to recover her human presence of mind.

Finally, he had gotten the point. Robin pondered this revelation with new concern at last. "So what's wrong with being a vampire?"

"You crave human blood. You need to kill all the time." Marian felt defeated. Surely, this meant Robin would soon see the hopelessness of their situation and make them separate forever.

But the outlaw had other thoughts. "Are there any advantages? There must be some. This could be useful, couldn't it?" Robin Hood was nothing if not always practical, calculating, and efficient. Well, usually he was.

"I suppose so; I'm nearly impossible to kill. I hardly need to sleep. And I have massive sexual urges…."

"AND YOU'VE BEEN KEEPING THAT FROM ME??"

Marian's patience was quickly ebbing. "Yes, you idiot! I'm sure to bite you if we really get started. That's why I always push you away. When I'm ... I'm passionate, I lose control."

Robin frowned at a new thought. "So when did you get to be a vampire?"

"When you were off in the Holy Land, of course. One of my 5,000 suitors was this pasty-white gentleman whom no one knew. He wasn't bad looking, but it turned out he was just looking for dinner. I managed to get away from him, but I was already bitten in the struggle. After I recovered from a brief fever, I discovered I liked my meat still breathing. And I was never tired at night. It took a long time, but I eventually figured out all of what being a vampire meant."

"So what were you thinking when I came back?" Robin was now very curious to understand what he had been missing all along from the big picture.

"I was thinking that I had to keep you away from me. I didn't want to hurt you, but you were so deliciously tempting. I just c-couldn't. If I didn't kill you, I'd end up making you what I am. No one wants to be a vampire. Believe me!"

Marian was putting up a brave front, but Robin could see through it. He spoke consolingly, "Doesn't sound too horrible to me."

"It's lonely," Marian answered with vehemence and tears in her voice.

"Not if we're together," Robin quietly reasoned. "We could both go out at night looking for animals, and use our spare time...you know, taking care of those urges, and no one of the gang would dream of interfering. Besides, it would be night, and they'd be sleeping."

"But…"

"And if we found a soldier or a priest, we could have a real meal." Impish Robin was returning.

"Robin!" Marian was scandalized by the suggestion.

"All right, then. A nun, if you prefer." Impish Robin had arrived.

"ROBIN!"

Robin giggled, enjoying his own joke. "Seriously, Marian, I don't think priests or nuns mean me well, so the feeling is mutual. But hey," he grew stern at a new thought, "why haven't you bitten Gisborne yet?"

"Actually, I've been trying to get to him alone these past couple of weeks since going back to the castle, but suddenly, he doesn't trust me."

"Now that's good news." Robin remembered to cross his arms Robin Hood style to emphasize the point.

Marian pretend-slapped at Robin's arm to vent her annoyance with his insufferable posturing. "Well, I should find a chance for it soon, and I do need a real human feast. I get weak if I go too long without one."

Robin grew serious and steered the conversation. "Do you know how to make another vampire?"

"No, Robin. No!" Marian could see where this was going. "I don't want to."

"Com'on," Robin reasoned. "You've lived through it. So will I. Think of how we can fight Vaysey together—as blood-sucking vampires!" His eyes sparkled at the thought as he absently licked his lips.

Then Robin pressed in closer to her to emphasize his point. Marian's fangs start to flash against her will from the sudden arousal brought on by his warm proximity, and she scrambled desperately away from her beloved.

"Are you positive you want this?" Marian demanded while catching her breath and trying to still her pounding heart.

"Yes, in fact. I am" Robin stated, matter of factly, while staring right into her mouth, a small bemused smile on his face.

Marian sighed in resignation. "I suppose you do want it. That would be just like you."

Robin grinned wickedly, thinking about all that he wanted.

Nevertheless, Marian still had more to say. "No one must discover our secret, or they will try to destroy us. Vampires can be killed." She warned him while poking her index finger into Robin's chest.

"It will be our little secret," he promised.

"And, you will probably be damned to hell for all eternity just for being a vampire", Marian continued in professorial tones.

"With you, right?" came the outlaw's query.

"I suppose so."

"Frankly, I thought I was going there anyway. Now, at least, it seems like a lot more fun. Let's do it. " Robin grabbed for her hands, pleading with his eyes for her agreement, but Marian still had even more to say.

Pushing him back with her hands pressed on his chest, she continued. "OK, then. But just to keep me from losing control and killing you, we first need to catch a deer and have it right at hand so that I can drain it after biting you."

Robin didn't wait for more. Grabbing his bow and bounding off, his voice trailed behind him, "I'll return before you know it."

Marian watched her Robin run off with characteristic enthusiasm while she contemplated where would be the best place to put her bite.

*Author now scurries off to hide!*