It started when Jason was about eight.
After his mother had gotten into a fight with her drunken boyfriend Jason chose to go and walk until the house calmed down. That same night he met a group of dealers who offered him his first cigarette. A petty thing really considering what drugs his mother had done.
He wasn't hooked instantly, it took a few more for him to really started to miss the feeling of warmth in his chest. He smoked when his mother was high or her boyfriends were drunk. When he felt hopeless or stressed, when he stole from people and when he was up late and couldn't sleep. He knew it wasn't good for him, but he needed it. The only feeling of pleasure he could obtain in his atmosphere. An absent mother and father led to a lonely life. At the end of the day nothing felt better than lighting himself and ignoring everything else around him.
Then he went and stole the wheels off the Batmobile. And long story short found himself the new adopted son of Bruce Wayne. Jason knew a habit like his would be looked down upon in the manor so he smoked when Dick and Bruce were off on patrol or when the two were busy with work or school. It took a little while but Jason got used to the slight withdraws of the drug. He didn't need it as often and he couldn't figure out why. He managed to hide his habit for almost a month before he was caught.
And out of all the people it was Dick who found out.
"Jason?!" Whatever Dick was holding fell out of his hands and hit the floor making Jason jump out of his chair on the balcony. Jason quickly removed the cigarette from his mouth and tried to hide it behind him. Dick was standing there mouth wide open in shock and a bowl of chips lay scattered on his bedroom floor. Jason swayed awkwardly, not exactly sure what to say.
"Were you?" Dick started.
"No." Which would have been totally believable if a cloud of smoke hadn't pored from his mouth as he spoke. Dick's mouth hung open again and Jason was getting a little pissed.
"You look like a goldfish Dickface."Dick closed his mouth and walked towards Jason.
"What's behind your back?" Dick reached around Jason as if giving him a hug but Jason backed away just as quickly.
"You already know whats the point of asking?!" Jason almost shouted back as he tried to make his way around Dick but only ended up backed into the corner of the balcony. Jason couldn't meet Dick's eyes which were staring at him, almost boring into his skull. Jason finally looked up and Dick moved his hand around Jason and grabbed the half finished cigarette out of his hand without breaking eye contact.
Dick backed away but his face held disappointment.
"These things can kill you Jay." Dick made sure the thing was out before tossing it off the second story balcony.
"I know that."
"Then why? Is it a habit?" Dick sounded worried and a little angry. And Jason had no idea how to deal with it. No one had cared this much about him. Why do they even care this much? Why is Dickface so worried about him, the street rat with bad habits? Jason felt his chest grow tight. He felt stressed, he needed the warmth of the drug. His head hurt.
"It helps. I need it." Jason sunk down onto his knees. What was Bruce going to say? Would he get rid of him? Would Dick like him anymore? What about Alfred? He really should have stopped. But he knew why he did it. He was stressed. Way to stressed for any ten year old. But every time Dick and Bruce left the cave Jason was always left with the thought of them not coming back. He would never admit it out loud of course. But the thought of one of them not returning left a pit in his stomach.
Dick could tell something was really wrong. "Hey Jason? It's okay. We, we can help you. Do you want me to get Bruce or Alfred?"
"No!" Jason couldn't deal with them finding out.
"Okay, okay. I won't tell them, yet. We can try and solve this on our own. But if you don't improve I'm going to have to tell them. This is bad for you Jason. But in order to help I need to know why." Jason felt Dick's hands on his shoulders and the older boy guided him over to his bed where they both sat.
Jason sniffed and wiped away the tears that formed in his eyes earlier.
"What if I don't want to tell you." Jason was terrible at discussing feelings. Especially with someone who had so many feelings. Dick was about as emotional as a teenage girl. He nearly cried the first time Jason had shared anything personal with him.
"Please Jason? And if you don't I'll go downstairs and tell Alfred right now." Dick crossed his arms.
"Okay fine. It started about two years ago. My mom and one of her boyfriends got into a pretty bad fight and I needed some air."
"Which is where you were introduced to the drug." Dick finished for him.
"Yeah. Eventually I started smoking when their were arguments or I felt lonely or stressed. It just felt nice." Jason looked away from Dick who's face had fallen.
"It felt nice for the time being sure, but what about after didn't you feel depressed or anything?"
"I usually felt depressed. I didn't exactly live in paradise like you. But when it got bad yeah I would feel worse." Jason could feel the outline of the lighter in his pocket, which suddenly felt heavier.
"Okay that makes sense, I guess. But what about now? You don't have your mom or any drug dealers or anything around you so why do you keep doing it?"
"The manor isn't exactly a family friendly place Dickface." Jason's dropped the level of his voice, "And I get worried when your gone." He had mumbled it enough so that Dick didn't hear anything.
"What was that last part?" Dick had no knowing smirk on his face but Jason assumed the other boy already knew what he had said.
Jason's face burned with embarrassment. "I get worried when you leave with Bruce."
Jason looked down waiting for a reaction from Dick. Maybe a laugh or maybe Dick would even get mad at him for getting worried. After a few moments Jason assumed it was the latter considering that Dick hadn't said anything. That's when he heard a sniff. But not from him. Jason looked up to see tears streaming down Dick's face.
"Ah Jesus Christ Dick. You're such a girl." Jason stared at the older boy who was in full meltdown mode. Suddenly Dick moved and hugged Jason tightly. Jason sat there stunned for a little while. The hug felt nice... a feeling that nearly replicated the drug. Except it was better.
"Don't worry about me Jason. You on the other hand are driving me insane." Dick took a second to regain his composure. "We're gonna get through this, together. Alright?"
Jason sat there, Dick's arms still wrapped around him while he cried into Jason's shoulder.
"Together."
"Learn how to knit? What the hell is this Dick?" Jason scanned the printed list in front of him. A list of 101 things that were supposed to distract him from the craving. Some were...ridiculous, others were not to bad, but Jason was not interested in balancing a checkbook or doing laundry.
"The list is meant for adults but I figured some of these we could use. Every time you feel you need to smoke find something on the list and do that instead." Dick had a whole system set up. If Jason improved within the next few weeks Dick would continue helping him without Bruce or Alfred's knowledge of his habits. If Jason didn't improve Dick would tell them and Jason would be sure to have a counselor by the next morning.
Jason had only woken up about an hour and half ago but he was already feeling a slight tug in his chest. Okay then lets find something...
Visit the beach...Nope.
Watch a sunset...Considering the time, no.
Sing loudly...Dick would love that, Jason not so much.
Play a video game... Jason had recently picked up on how to use the new game station downstairs. He pointed to that one on the list and Dick smiled.
"Your going down Todd."
Video games had subdued Jason for thirty minutes before he lost the game to Dick and began to feel the craving again. He tried to play another game but his thoughts were drawn towards the crave. Jason began figiting and not focusing on the game in front of him.
"Need something else to do?" Dick had picked up on Jason's strange behavior and grabbed the list behind them. "Well its almost lunch time maybe that will help."
Alfred as usual made delicious sandwiches for the two. And Dick wasn't wrong Jason didn't feel the craving as bad but now he felt tired and cranky. He had a hard time focusing on the questions Alfred had asked him about how he was doing at the manor.
Lunch was finished but Jason felt sick almost. Once Alfred left Jason tugged on Dick's sleeve.
"Need it." Dick frowned but allowed Jason to run up to his room and grab the hidden box kept under his mattress. Jason pulled out the lighter and lit the cigarette quickly. He breathed deeply, letting the sweet smelling smoke fill his lungs. He breathed out, already feeling slightly less sick as the smoke dissipated.
"You did better than I expected." Dick shut the door quietly behind him. "I needed to figure out how bad your habit is, based on how long you lasted without one I would say it shouldn't take to long for you to stop. I was worried it would take super long, but I think we can do this."
"Great." Jason sarcastically stated. He took another deep breath, however this one wasn't as satisfying. Jason was aware of Dick looking at him oddly.
"Don't you got something to do Dickface?" Jason usually was alone when he smoked, it was odd to have another person there.
"What's it like?" Jason choked, and began coughing badly. Dick stood there waiting for Jason to answer his question.
Jason wiped the tears from his eyes and cleared his throat. Dick could either be innocently curious or could be seriously considering trying this. Although Jason doubted the second choice he didn't want to take any chances by telling Dick that the nicotine made the stress and worries go away almost instantly.
"Honestly? It sucks. Nothing enjoyable about this Dickface." Jason breathed again to keep his face from faltering as he lied. Jason wasn't a bad liar he just couldn't lie to Dick, or Alfred. Bruce was easy.
Jason put out the cig once the sick feeling had fully gone away and tossed it over the balcony. He turned to Dick who was busying himself by looking around at the very few possessions Jason had. Before Jason could tell Dick to back off they heard a knock at the door.
Dick opened it to find Bruce standing in the doorway.
"Training time."
Training was actually fun. Bruce gave them a break from usual conditioning and allowed the boys to work on acrobatics and tumbling. Both of their favorites. The adrenaline form doing flips and falling was enough to tide Jason over for almost three hours. That's when Bruce told them he had work and they could go back to doing what they wanted.
Jason busied himself with gum chewing and a multitude of other things before getting a craving again. He was begging Dick to let him go upstairs but the older refused him.
"Just hold on for a little longer? I wanna try something."
The Dick wanted to try was Number 44 on the list, he wanted to watch a movie.
The first half of the movie Jason felt anxious and his chest felt tight as his craving got worse. Then Dick moved closer to Jason and put his arm around him. The gesture pulled Jason closer to Dick and his head rested on the olders shoulder. The tightness vanished and Jason felt calmer. Eventually he fell asleep.
-
It had been almost two months since Dick had found out about Jason's habit and it had been three days since Jason had felt any craving for the drug. Jason had done almost everything on the list and had even highlighted some of his favorites so that when he felt sick Dick could set one of them up for him. Bruce and Alfred still had no idea as far as Jason knew, and based on his amazing amount of progress they would never know. He was cured.
At least that's what he thought until Dick came back from patrol with a bullet through his chest.
Alfred had served Jason dinner and then the two had gone off to bed when Jason awoke in the middle of the night to footsteps running through the halls of the manor.
Jason jumped out of bed and followed the sound to the secret entrance of the Batcave.
Jason heard coughing and groaning, but Bruce and Alfred were just fine. It was Dick who was laying on the stretcher with blood splattered on his uniform. Jason felt the tightness in his chest again. He had almost forgotten the feeling it had been so long. But his best friend, his brother, was laying in blood and dying. Alfred had already begun to help Robin but Jason was overtaken by anxiety and the craving. He needed the relief, he needed to forget his worries.
But he couldn't. Dick would be so disappointed. Especially after everything they had done to help him. Jason ran back up to the main level of the manor.
Have to find something else, a distraction, need something else.
Jason stuffed three pieces of gum in his mouth but the horrible feeling still lingered in his chest. He suddenly became desperate and ran to Dick's room and began cleaning. (Since his was already spotless) He paced the hallway for almost an hour. Eventually he was running out of things he could do instead and the pain in his chest was still there.
"Jason?" He heard Bruce call from the main level of the manor. Jason ran downstairs thankful for the small distraction.
"Is Dick okay?" Jason asked as soon as Bruce was in sight. The older led Jason back down to the Batcave and Jason felt annoyed at how slow Bruce was walking and he had never answered Jason's question. Curse Bruce and his need to be mysterious.
"Dick?" Jason saw the form of his older brother and ran towards him. Dick's chest was covered in bandages and his eyes were half closed, but he was alive. Breathing, and perfectly fine.
Realizing that Dick probably couldn't speak at the moment Jason leaned in and hugged him. He was extra careful not to harm his brother but he needed it. And the second he felt Dick hug him back the pain went away.