Kate paced her kitchen as she bounced ideas off Castle, trying to find a way that Rod Halstead may be connected to her mother's murder.
"What if the fire was an accident?" Castle watched her face, he knew she wouldn't like that idea, but it was a possibility and why should they waste time on a dead end when they could be finding another lead to solving her mothers case.
"It wasn't an accident, I know it wasn't an accident," stated Beckett defiantly.
"You can't know that," said Castle calmly, with a shake of his head.
"I can because if this was an accident then I've got no where to start. If this was an accident then I've got nothing! The guy who shot me is gone, Dick Coonan gone, Hal Lockwood gone, Montgomery gone, my mum. Everybody is gone Castle." Her bottom lip shook as she spoke his name, fear filling her as she realised that one day, he too, would leave her, just as her mother and mentor had.
She stared at his soft blue eyes, full of care and compassion. She licked her lips, took a shaky breath and a mouthful of scotch from the bottle next to her. Jameson Scotch Whiskey, Castle's favourite.
"Everyone is gone," she whispered, arms wrapped around herself, eyes locked on a spot on the floor as she bit her bottom lip to stop it from shaking.
"I'm still here, Kate," spoke Rick softly as he stood from her dining table, crossing the room to wrap her in his arms.
The stiffness melted from her spine as she relaxed into him, her head fitting perfectly under his chin, tears slipping from her tightly shut eyes.
"And I don't plan on leaving you anytime soon okay. I almost lost you, and I promise we will catch that dirt bag who shot you and close your mothers case," Castles face grew grim as the nightmarish thoughts of losing Kate filled his mind, as they did every night. Castle took the bottle from her hand, taking a large swig of whiskey to purge the demons that were plaguing his mind.
Kate pulled back and looked up at Castle, who pulled an almost convincing smile. Their gazes met, the same fear and sadness reflected in both their eyes and in a split second Kate went from staring into Castle's eyes to pushing her lips against his, in a tipsy, tear filled kiss. Castle's breath was taken away by how unexpected it was. Their mouths moving together as one, neither of them wanting to break the kiss. Kate tasted like perfectly ripen cherries while Castle like bittersweet dark chocolate and whiskey. With fistfuls of Castle's shirt Kate pushed herself closer to Castle, desperately.
Finally he dropped his arms from around her and pulled away, a sad smile on his face, "I should go, its getting late."
She wiped her eyes and mumbled something that sounded to Rick like "I shouldn't have, I'm… I'm sorry".
While Rick wanted nothing more than to dry her tears, kiss her and help make her feel alright, but he didn't want to take advantage of her while she was so emotionally raw, and a tad drunk.
He placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "Don't be, you're tipsy and tired and this case hits close to home. Until tomorrow."
Kate watched as he grabbed his things and walked out of her apartment, leaving her running her fingertips over her lips, still feeling the electricity humming between them.
She shouldn't have kissed him. Her wall had cracked when she heard the pain in his voice as he spoke about the shooting. She knew the night would be unkind to her and plague her dreams with the memories of not only the shooting, but also of her mother's murder, as they did every night. She grabbed the half empty bottle of whiskey and crawled into bed where she lay for hours, drinking herself to sleep.
Kate sat at her desk, going over and over the case file from the warehouse fire, desperately hoping to find an odd sock that would give her a lead. She heard his soft footsteps approach and felt a knot tie itself in her stomach as she remembered how swiftly he left after the kiss.
The scent of coffee hit her as he sat down, holding her usual cup of coffee in front of her. She looked up at him and their eyes met, fear and sadness had now been replaced with something warmer.
"Thanks" she said as she took the cup, looking back at her work and taking a mouthful of the piping hot coffee, giving her a moment to think about what to say. She could feel his eyes on her as she placed the cup in front of her notes.
Castles eyes fell on the annotated A4 image of the burnt warehouse.
He wondered how long she had spent pouring over the files after he left last night, and how long she had been sitting at her desk this morning doing the same.
"Do you remember, what you told me the first time I brought up your mothers case?" He spoke cautiously, trying not to upset her this early in the day, "That if you got started again, you wouldn't stop." His voice was thick with concern but all Kate heard was that he was trying to get her to stop when she was just getting closer.
"You said it would probably destroy you…"
Castle couldn't bear to think that he may lose her before her wall came down, letting him into her heart. What if they never got to have the life, the love, which he dreamed about. He wanted her, and he just hoped she wanted him just as much.
Kate cut Castle off, her voice definite and clear, "Yeah. Well, I didn't have any leads then."
Castle had already failed his attempt at not upsetting her so he continued, "You don't have any now."
Kate stopped playing with her notes and faced the conversation she didn't want to have.
"Look Castle, I got a little... emotional last night. I'm," She paused, shaking her head, trying to make what she was saying believable with a gentle smile, "I'm fine."
She had fooled Ryan, Esposito and Josh many times before, even Lanie, her best friend, with this smile and tone of voice. It had never failed her before.
"No you're not," stated Castle, his eyes glued to her face "And you know you're not."
Castle knew her; you didn't work with someone, go through all they have gone through together in the last 3 years, and not be able to see how they're not fine at all. She could fake a smile all she liked, he knew her better than that.
"You're back for three days and you're already in a freefall. I'm not telling you to walk away. I'm just saying give it time," He paused and softened his voice as he watched her smile fade away, "You know, just until you get your bearings again."
"How am I supposed to get my bearings when someone out there wants me dead?" Kate became defensive, trying to get him to see, after the shooting almost killed her, who knows how much time she has. They were already two steps ahead of her and she was sitting there with what could turn out to be a dead end.
"By not letting them rob you of your life. I promise you, we will figure this out. We're gonna find them and we're gonna make them pay. Just not today."
Kate listened to his reassuring words, the promise of solving the case together reminding her of his promise last night, to not leave her like two of the most important people in her life already had. But it wasn't that easy. She couldn't just put this investigation on hold so she could have a life. Since Castle had supported her in opening the case her life consisted of solving murders at work and working on finding leads in her spare time. The burden of her Mother's death had never left her, ever since the day she saw the detective at the door, a grim look on his aged face.
"Castle, If I don't do this I don't know who I am," she spoke, truthfully. Shaking her head, disappointed for losing herself in this case.
"You're who you always were." His words struck something deep inside of her, she realised long ago that he was the only person who could get inside her head like this.
"You're the one who honours the victims. You're the one who can bring Sonia's family some peace."
Kate looked towards Sonia's family, she was the only one who could give them the closure she is yet to receive, and while it won't make everything better, it may comfort them. Not that she would know.
Her eyes went back to Castles, studying his face. She noticed the dark circles under his eyes for the first time. He mustn't have had a decent nights rest in a weeks, probably since she almost died after he confessed his love for her. Castle's usually light eyes had become darker as the anxiety within him rose. His eyes looked slightly bloodshot; as if he had been drunk the night before even though he left her place barely tipsy, and they were full of fear but more than anything, love.
There was so much love in every look he gave her and every word he had said to her. She realised it was this love that made him make the decisions he did. Staying for so long, helping her try and find closure, and for doing what it takes to pull her back into reality when she loses herself in a case. It was this love that made him drag her, screaming, out of the hanger the night Montgomery died and that made him risk his life by tackling her to the ground when he saw the shooter.
She couldn't deny it. He did love her. Her fears melted away when she realised his words weren't just because she had been shot and was dying; the shooting just proved they didn't have all the time they thought they did.
Her eyes fell to the desk as she realised that he had the same feelings she had. She had just been too blind to see it before, to truly see that the past 4 years had happened because he loved her, and she loved him.
She heard familiar footsteps just as Esposito and Ryan turned the corner, bringing her more information on the case and breaking her train of thought.
She knew she was still too buried in the case to be able to deal with these feelings but she had faith that Castle would stay long enough for her to be able to deal with this and that this friendship would be enough for both of them for the moment.