Okay, so this is split into two parts mostly because my exams begin in about a week, so I'm gonna have to be stuck studying. Cheers to everyone who has reviewed/followed/favourited my review series. I may review Twilight spinoffs next, who knows. (::)(::)(::)(::) Free cookies even if you just decided to randomly click on this (::)(::)(::)(::)
Twilight Book Four review: Breaking Dawn
There are only three things I can say about preparing to read this book:
It's the end.
The last book.
Thank god!
Breaking Dawn starts with Bella in her brand new car. Bella's truck, perhaps the most well developed character in these novels, has reached the end of its life. A moment of silence, please.
Moment over. So Bella has a new car. A Mercedes, if I remember correctly. Now here's the twist. Because Edward is a paranoid so and so, he feels it needs to be kitted out like something belonging in a James Bond film. Bulletproof windows, the lot. Yes Edward, because Forks is a place alive with assassins who want to kill Bella. Get a grip Edward.
Bella and Edward tell Charlie about their engagement. Charlie is all Ask your mother. Great show of concern Charlie. What, no remember last time when you slipped into a depressive coma? You've known him for a while but are you sure you wanna move into a wedding this quick? Bella asks her mum who is pretty much like yeah, fine. I mean I met him once when you were in hospital under mysterious circumstances but no big deal, am I right?
Bella and Edward have their wedding (where Alice has gone over the top and made it pretty extravagant. Like, if you've got that much money give some of it to charity, you're immortal vampires, what do you need the money for anyway?) and Jacob has decided to turn up despite his heartbreak. Gosh, you poor suffering soul you. Bella apologizes to Jacob, who says he just wants her to be happy.
Jacobs's happy mood doesn't last though. After learning about Bella and Edwards plans to have sex while she is still human (What kind of conversation is that anyway? Hey! How you doing Jacob. Still heartbroken? How about housebroken? Me? I'm good. Oh by the way me and Edward are gonna have sex while I'm still human.) Jacob becomes violent. Ooh, better call security. Oh wait, it's a wedding. So after another moment of fifty shades of Jacob, the wedding ends and Bella and Edward head off to their honeymoon.
They head off to the fictional Isle Esme near Brazil, an island gifted to Esme by her husband Carlisle, which frankly seems ridiculous. The only people who own islands are various heads of state/monarchies and people with too much money. Bella and Edward make love and the next day they realize Edwards has left bruises over Bella. How do I need to get my point across to Meyer? This is abuse. Should I use smoke signals? Get it in big florescent letters? Allow me to spare you the struggles of their love life. Edward doesn't want sex. Bella does. And let's not go any further into their love lives. You shall not pass!
Bella has been having dreams of a green eyed child. No… Harry? Use Occlumency! Quick, Twilight is an evil that surpasses even Voldemort. But not Umbridge (Nothing is an evil that surpasses Umbridge).
Bella finds herself constantly hungry and sick. She also finds a box of unused tampons and realizes her period is late. And that she is… pregnant! In the film you may remember this as the part where she looks down at her completely flat stomach. Edward is all like Quick! An abortion! Completely ignoring the fact that it is Bella's body and her own choice as to what she does. Edward hears stories from an old lady –who suspects he is a vampire- about other people who've been pregnant with vampire babies and have died. Wow Edward, use a random old lady as your number one source of info. Well done. Edward wants to bring Bella back to Forks so Carlisle can take care of the baby. Ooh, ominous threat much? Bella doesn't want to lose the baby but she doesn't voice her concerns because she's in an unhealthy relationship. She secretly calls Rosaline, who now apparently doesn't hate her and wants children. Unfortunately, Edward finds out when he reads Rosaline mind.
Now it's time for Part Two. Here we have a random POV change to Jacob `still hung up over Bella` Black. Carlisle has spread the lie that Bella has a rare disease and must be quarantined. It's almost as believable as the time she fell down two flights of stairs and through a window. Jacob naturally assumes this means she has been bitten and turned into a vampire. *Slow clap for Jacobs reasoning*. Jacob runs off to his werewolf mates for help. But Sam Uley, the Alpha, the head honcho, the Robin Hood of their merry little werewolf band refuses involvement. Naturally, Jacob is angry –Angry, angst, moody, he's got a very limited emotional spectrum- and decides to go solo. He runs to the Cullen's place, formulating plans of attack as he does so. Now how's that for multitasking?
Jacob quickly realizes Bella isn't a vampire. Instead, she's pregnant with Edwards's child. Like, really pregnant. The baby is a super-growing baby. Think regular baby, but with steroids or with Miracle-Gro. Bella also can't eat food without puking it back up. Basically, sucks to be Bella. Edward wants to kill the baby. Rosaline wants to let the baby live. Jacob wants to kill Edward. It's like a love triangle, but with murder and a baby and not that much love, to be honest.
Jacob runs back to his werewolf gang, where he spills the beans about Bella's pregnancy. The werewolf gang think this is the best news since sliced bread, begin to think up names for the baby –Dracula is a favourite- and learn knitting so they can knit cute hats and scarfs for the baby. While knitting, they discover Seth has a talent for crochet.
Um, no. They all go Death to the Child! Well Sam does, but because he's Alpha all the other were-dudes have to obey him. Still in love with Bella, Jacob disagrees –really, I reckon Jacob writes Jacob Swan in his schoolbooks, surrounded by little hearts. Jacob ditches the pack after him and Sam have a little testosterone off. Leah and Seth Clearwater later team up with him to form the Famous Five. Except there's three of them and no Timmy the dog. There is a Jacob the werewolf, though. Sam decides not to attack the Cullen's because he would then have to attack Jacob and the Clearwaters, and Sam has really begun to appreciate Seth's skills with crocheting.
Jacob and co play guard dog at the Cullens. Esme provides them with food and clothes because werewolves clothes have an unfortunate habit of being destroyed. Hence why Jacob is shirtless all the time. Jacob and Leah learn to tolerate each other and it goes something like:
Leah: So, I have feelings.
Jacob: Wow, me too. We have so much in common.
Seth: Uh, guys I've been dropped from the plot again-
Meyer: Shut up Seth, I'm trying to write an emotional scene. God, some people.
Me: *Yells inappropriately*Bananas are an excellent source of potassium! Um, where was I?
Right, so the pregnancy is really endangering Bella. She will probably die. Think of it like the scene in Alien where the alien bursts out of a stomach. Except it's not an alien, it's a vampire. Edward tells Jacob his plan. Kill the vampire kid, and Jacob can sleep with Bella so she can still enjoy childbirth. I can't even… look, Edward, Jacob, does the phrase `have you asked Bella about any of this` ring any bells? I mean, Bella Swan isn't my favourite person, but bloody hell you people just don't count her opinion.
Meanwhile the fetus has turned into Super Fetus and everything you were taught about babies in Biology and awkward Sex Ed lessons is basically useless in this situation. Seriously though, Bella is at breaking point. Literally. Covered in bruises, broken ribs… ouch. Her body rejects human food and Jacob thinks the baby wants blood. Not in a violent way, in a I'm a vampire baby better drink some blood way. Edward overhears –overthinks?- this, and apparently has no privacy boundaries but whatever, and gives Bella the finest pouch of donated blood he can find. Bella finds the blood amazing, and it revives her. Human blood- it's the newest substitute for coffee!
Edward can reads the child's mind where he –gasp!- discovers the evil bloodsucking psycho child is just a child. That's accidently killing its mum. Jacob borrows Edwards's fancy car –I can't remember in the name but I think Bond has one in one of the films- and drives to a random park where he tried to imprint on random girls… uh, okay then. One girl named Lizzie appeals to him because of her niceness and she knows stuff about cars (So, what do you look for in a relationship, Jacob? Cars. Nice.) Frustrated with his love life, Jacob returns to the Cullen's.
Edward makes plans to bite Bella, and asks Jacobs permission because Jacob is heir to this guy called Ephraim Black. Jacob agrees because Bella will die otherwise. Which would be a tragedy, I'm sure. Bella goes into labour about a month after the honeymoon. Yes, I know the maths doesn't add up but it's a vampire baby which grows super quick so there you go. The scene that follows is graphic for all the wrong reasons. Not graphic in a this is scary but kinda cool way, graphic in a oh god make it stop creepy vampire child. The placenta that surrounds the baby cracks and Bella begins vomiting blood, and the bloodstains are going to take forever to get out of the carpet. The child begins to break free (a bit like the Queen song but with more blood and less singing).
So Edward decides to rip the baby out with his teeth (Let me just point out here that this is not something your dentist recommends) which is gross, unhygienic and very, very strange. I mean, for God's sake Edward what's wrong with waiting for Carlisle to come along with a scalpel or something? Do you have a fetish for removing babies with your teeth?! Edward delivers the baby, a girl, who they decide to name Renesmee which is a worse name than Albus Severus. Edward injects venom into Bella's heart and bites her in several places. Well, if she hasn't died yet and this whole transformation thingy doesn't work out, she's definitely dead now. Yay! I mean, what a horrible turn of events.
Jacob and Edward try CPR, but Bella's heart stops beating. Jacob, believing her to be dead, heads off to kill Renesmee who he blames for her death. Have you considered counselling, Jacob? Uh, just gonna kill her kid? Okeydokey. Seems legit. Then, before he can attack, Renesmee looks in his eyes and Jacob goes what a beautiful baby and freaking imprints on her. This is creepy. She's a kid. A baby and Jacob decides he's in love with her. You know what? I'm not surprised Meyer decides this. Oh, Jacob can't have Bella? I'll give him her not even a day old baby instead. Seems like a plan!