Title: Maybe Next Week
Author: all things holy
Rating: PG
Character: Nicole-centric (yeah, that's right)
Email: On my page; feedback is grand
Disclaimer: Oh, if wishing made it so.
Summary: "She wonders if she would've approached him knowing how much of herself she'd lose to keep him; she doesn't dwell too long on the question as she's fairly certain she wouldn't like the answer."
Spoilers: None; occurs sometime between Festival of Living Art and the events of the SockMan
A/N: This was written for the TWoP Ficathon Challenge Season: Summer 2004 Soundtrack Challenge. It is just one of many fantastic stories that can be found at geocities[dot]com[slash]ficathon2004 so check it out. Good stuff, all of it. (There, I go by Chiaroscuro. Yeah, I'm a bigwig.)
A/N 2: Massive thanks to Lula for holding my hand the entire way through this; Couldn't do it without you and your constant feedback. Much love, big kisses. You're lulalicious.
She wonders from time to time, alone in a house that she didn't think she'd have to face by herself, when she became the woman she is now. She wonders when this new life crept up on her, struggles to remember what she was focused on in the moments her sense of self drained away. It isn't that she hates the new Nicole, exactly; she's never been one for self-loathing. But she misses the confident woman she was who never would've stood for this kind of life. The old Nicole wouldn't have pitied this situation she's gotten herself into, the old Nicole would've laughed in her face for sacrificing so much for a man who she knows doesn't love her; hell, the old Nicole wouldn't have given up this much for a man she couldn't live without. She wonders when exactly she became the kind of woman she'd despised.
Sometimes she blames Luke, this man who's managed to wreck her so completely. She's in love with him, she knows, she can't explain exactly why; if pressed, she'd say that she was drawn to how basic and on-the-surface he was. She'd wanted something that wouldn't take much effort and instead she'd gotten a sham of a marriage and an empty house with a king-sized bed all to herself. Sometimes she wonders if he'd even notice if she packed her things and left; she doesn't dwell too long on the question as she's fairly certain she wouldn't like the answer. She was drawn to his simplicity but now she marvels at the depths in him. She doesn't know whose fault it is that he's still mostly a mystery.
She remembers the good times – though she hates to call them that, it's too much like giving up – and wonders when exactly things changed. He's always been gentle, always been kind; she can't fault him for those things, they're what made her fall in love with him in the first place. The way he'd lead her into a room with his hand on the small of her back, the way he'd touch her shoulder when he walked by, the way he'd always be careful not to let his stubble harsh her skin in bed. But even those memories are somewhat tainted now; she thinks of how he never says her name in bed and how it always makes her want to cry. She doesn't know if it's just his way or if it's because in his mind he's got someone else beneath him, someone else above him, someone else he'd rather be loving.
She thinks sometimes about the ways he's let her down; she hates herself for not hating him then. When she wonders about the situation, she never questions how she feels about him or why she got that way. But being in love with Luke is what she'd imagine holding onto a magnet too far north is like; try as she might to hold on, he's always pulling away, gravitating towards a different center.
The problem isn't that he's not in love; you can tell by the way that he breathes and the way that he's silent that his heart doesn't exactly belong to him anymore. He's in love, just not with her. She thinks that maybe next week is when he'll leave her, when he'll realize that he's living his life with the wrong woman. She knows it wouldn't take much for him to remove himself completely; he'd deny it, but he's invested so little in this relationship that she's started to pick up the slack. She suggested they move in together and his response, while not exactly negative, was somewhat less than enthused. She initiates most phone calls, just wanting to check up on him and his day; she tries not to take it as a sign of his disinterest that her phone rarely rings. She doesn't know exactly why she tries so hard, why he lets himself be carried along by her; nonetheless, she's straining so hard to keep him. She hates that it's his devotion to another woman that drags her deeper into this mess. But she's never been a quitter and she has no plans on starting now.
She's seen them interact, Luke and Lorelai, and she knows that they aren't sleeping together; she knows enough about Luke to know that he couldn't ever do that to her, to anyone. It's just one of the many reasons that she hasn't left him. But as completely as she knows that they aren't having an affair, she knows that if Luke weren't who he is that they would be. She's not quite sure why that makes her love him more. In the first months that she and Luke dated, Nicole wondered if he was sleeping with Lorelai; she didn't know him well enough then. She didn't understand that the physical isn't taken into account with them, that what's between them is just a consciousness; even if he's not talking about Lorelai, she's still there, she's a gap in conversation where his breath changes and something in his eyes shifts. She knows it and he knows that she knows it and she has to turn away in those moments his face looks so apologetic; sometimes she wonders if he even knows why he's holding onto this relationship they both know he doesn't really want. She thinks maybe that it's lack of courage on Luke's part, or lack of readiness on Lorelai's, that those are the reasons that they've known each other so long but he's dating Nicole instead of being with Lorelai. Luke and Lorelai's relationship doesn't ever exactly make sense to outsiders, she has firsthand knowledge of that, but she does know that it's tangible; when they're together, the air changes, it slows and thickens so that everyone can feel it. She hasn't gone as far as to imagine that he just doesn't know that he loves Lorelai; she thought he was simple, she never thought he was stupid. He loves her and he knows that he loves her, but he's married to someone else because that's how things ended up and he's less of a quitter than she is.
She doesn't know when she accepted that he was in love with someone else; she supposes that she always knew but she's at a loss as to when she became okay with it. She has a feeling that that particular moment coincides with her loss of self-worth. She never thought she'd be one of those desperate women who held onto men too tightly. She always thought herself stronger than that, always figured she'd know when to let go and cut her losses. The old Nicole would've given up a long time ago, would've blamed it on Luke, on Lorelai, and moved onto someone she'd convinced herself was better; the new Nicole just tries to keep him close enough to hold him. She doesn't put enough thought into why loving Luke and loving herself have to be mutually exclusive.
She thinks that maybe next week is when he'll leave her, when his resolve will crack and he'll decide to officially break her heart; whether he knows it or not, he's been unofficially doing so for months now. She's realized that their relationship is based on neither one admitting defeat and she's found that that's most likely where they went wrong. She'd thought it was a good idea, postponing the divorce. She sees now that it was only prolonging the inevitable, that there are some things too fragile to hold only this tightly. She wonders if she would've approached him knowing how much of herself she'd lose to keep him; she doesn't dwell too long on the question as she's fairly certain she wouldn't like the answer.
She's pushing so many thoughts away at once that she's started trying to turn her mind off, to stop thinking about the big picture and just focus on the moments she feels justified in holding on so tightly. His hand on her knee while they watch the news, their laughter in the kitchen as they cook dinner, his arms around her while they sleep in their bed. She's able to fool herself every once in awhile, just for moments at a time; she can let herself believe that he's not wishing she was someone darker, someone taller, someone he's in love with. It's not exactly his fault, but she's not sure when she began to believe that it was hers. She thinks that if she were any other kind of woman that she could blame this all on Lorelai, pretend that Lorelai was stealing Luke away from her, that it was something that she had to try at. It hurts more knowing that all Lorelai has to do is exist for Luke to love her; she doesn't know Lorelai well enough to make it all her fault and she doesn't know when the new Nicole became a glutton for punishment. She lets herself wonder for a moment who it is that he dreams of at night, then remembers why she so rarely lets herself dwell on the thoughts she works so hard to keep in the back of her mind; if she thinks about it all for too long, she knows that maybe next week is when she'll leave him.