Love is a Snow War
I wrote this story in July and finished it in September, both on the 5th. But I took really long breaks. I only just recently found it and decided to upload it. This was inspired by one of my favourite vocaloid songs, Love is War, by supercell, sung by Miku Hatsune. It's only loosely based on an English translation so I could still play around with the plot. If you plan on reading this, expect some strange and ridiculous things to happen. Don't bother using logic, you'll just hurt yourself.
Summary: This means war! So slapping, scratching, punching, kicking, and ice balls are allowed. No crotch shots!
Disclaimer: Nope, I don't Hetalia or Love is War.
"What the bloody hell is going on here?" England stopped, at a total lost at what he saw.
"Hey, Iggy!" shouted America, waving at England. He was crouched behind a sturdy wall of snow. "Are you here to battle it out too?" he asked, holding up a large snowball.
"Why on earth are you having a huge snowball fight on Canada's front yard?" Across from America's snow fort were several other forts, occupied by a few nations.
"I'm fighting for Canada! He's mine!" America declared, getting ready to launch his snowballs. Canada's polar bear, Kumajiro, was sitting beside him, piling up snowballs.
England massaged his temple and sighed. "This better not be like your belief of Manifest Destiny. Canada is his own country and you should leave him be," England scolded.
America pouted. He was getting tired of people bringing that up when they were talking about him and Canada. "What? No! I'm fighting for Mattie's love! Winner gets Canada!"
"For the love of-! This is ridiculous!" UK threw his hands up in exasperation.
"You're ridiculous," America retorted.
"Save it," interrupted Netherlands. "The only thing that will shut up that idiot is a snowball through the head."
"Don't you mean a snowball to the head?" England asked.
"No, I didn't."
...
"America, you bastard! I'm Canada's best friend and I refuse to see him be with an ass like you," hollered Cuba.
"Pfft! You're all too unawesome to be with Birdie! He deserves someone as awesome as me!" declared Prussia, cackling.
"You are all out of your mind," England grumbled. "Why the hell is Russia here?" he asked, noting that the Russian had the largest fort there.
"I'm here for my sister, Ukraine. She's a little shy and has always had a crush on Canada." He smile eerily. "But if he were not interested, maybe he would like to be one with Russia."
"Like hell I'd let you creeps have my cute little Canuck!" America yelled into his megaphone, taking a stand.
"America! Why the bloody hell are you wearing a skirt?"
"It takes a real man to wear a skirt and to pull it off," America huffed, putting a hand on his hip. "And you're not one to talk. You wore a skirt before."
"It's a bloody kilt, not a skirt! Ugh, never mind," said England, rolling his eyes. "So you're saying, you've made a snow battlefield of Canada's front yard because the five of you are competing for Canada's affection?"
America shrugged. "Yep, that pretty much sums it up."
He knew he was going to regret asking but he had to know. "How did this even start?"
"That pedo druggie tried to rape my Mattie!" exclaimed America, pointing an accusing finger at Netherlands.
"First off, it was only a hug," Netherlands ground out. "And second, Canada was the one to hug me."
"Lies! All lies!"
Netherlands scoffed. "Screw you." He gave a cocky grin. "You know what? When we were hugging, Matthew was blushing the whole time. Isn't he cute?"
Swearing like a madman, America let loose a barrage of snowballs at the other nations, particularly at Netherlands. The battle began.
Fearing for his life, England ran to the steps of Canada's house. It looked like the safe zone. He went up to check if the door was open. Luckily for him, it was. Quickly, he stepped inside and locked the door behind him. There were psychos out there, if the battle cries and explosion were anything to go by.
"Hello, Arthur," greeted a soft voice.
He spun around and saw Canada standing there, holding a cup. He sighed, relieved to see that Canada was okay.
"Thank god you're okay, Matthew!" he said. "I was worried when I saw those idiots outside! It's chaos out there!"
Canada smiled nervously. "What are you talking about, Arthur? There is nothing going on outside."
"What? Are you daft?" How could he not be aware of what was going on outside? He could hear that annoying laugh of America's and that blasted megaphone. "America and some others are having a ridiculous snowball fight -well, it's more like a battle- outside on your front yard! You can hear them!" On cue, maniacal laughter and explosions could be heard from outside.
"Oh, you must be tired from your travel," Canada said hastily, ignoring what England had said. "I'll make you some tea." He took his arm and dragged him into the kitchen.
They passed the living room, which was quite in a disastrous state. No doubt the work of the nations raging war outside. England thought it was better not to ask.
The kitchen was in a better state, although slightly messy. Canada pushed England into a chair and began to prepare some tea, humming his national anthem. England was fidgeting in his seat, unnerved. He half expected a nation to come flying throw the window any second.
After some time, the tea was ready and Canada brought it over to the other. It was hard not to notice how much he was nervously shaking.
England took a tentative sip, eyeing Canada with concern. "Matthew, are you alright?"
"I'm fine. Everything is fine. Nothing is wrong at all," he said, not sounding very convincing.
"It's those idiots outside, isn't it?" he grumbled. "Stupid American git, stirring up so much trouble!"
Canada laughed nervously. He opened his mouth to speak but England beat him to it.
"Don't you dare deny it!" he snapped. "Those idiots are out there fighting in some crazy delusion of winning your love! For crying out loud, even your polar bear is out there, siding with your brother!"
Shaking his head, he patted the seat beside him. "Oh that's just silly. Kumakichi is right here."
"...That's a bag of milk."
"No no. It's Kumachibo," he said, placing the milk bag in his lap and petting the top.
"That's a bag of milk no matter how you look at it," England deadpanned. "Even if you did stick a label with 'Kumasaburo' on it."
Canada looked around nervously. "D-don't make fun of Kumachurro," he said weakly. "A-and you should know that Flying Mint Bunny had followed you here," he mumbled.
England frowned and started scanning the room. "What? I told him to stay at home!" Just then he saw a blur if green. "Flying Mint Bunny, what are you doing here?" he asked before turning to Canada with wide eyes. "Wait, you can see him?"
Meanwhile...
"Hahaha! You can't beat me!" America shouted through his megaphone. "I'll own you like I did that pussy France!"
"Come now. Why are you comparing us to France? We are obviously stronger," said Russia, pulling out his water pipe.
"Ya, I'll agree with you on France being a pussy but I'm obviously more awesome than y- Dammit Russia! Stop destroying my awesome snow fort!"
"But I thought you wanted to tear the wall down?"
"Not this wall! Go away, you crazy Russian!" Prussia said, pelting him with snowballs.
"Well, I don't really know the guy that well but he doesn't seem much of a fighter," Cuba thought out loud.
Netherlands shrugged. "Some nations mellow out over the years, some chicken out. Obvious what happened to France."
Poor France was not around to defend himself.
A strangely shaped snow mass was hurdled to America, hitting him right on the head.
"Hey! Dammit Russia, we agreed that we'd only use snow as a weapon!" America shouted angrily, holding up a flyer with all the rules listed. How did he find the time to make them while fighting four nations? He didn't, he got China to do it. He rubbed his head, feeling a slight bump.
"And I did," replied Russia, smiling innocently.
Dusting off the snow revealed a hammer. "Covering a hammer in snow and throwing it does not make it a snowball!"
"Fine." Then he threw an ice ball at America.
This time he dodged it. "Better but either way, you ain't gonna win!" He ducked in behind the wall and rubbed his hands together sinisterly. "Heheh. When my secret weapon is ready, I'll win this battle for sure. Then Canada will be all mine." Cue creepy Russia-like aura.
Seeing as he couldn't attack America anymore, Russia went back to pestering Prussia. However, this time Prussia was prepared. He had sent his small army of Gilbirds to drop snowballs over Russia's fort.
"Great, just what we needed. Two psychotic nations," said Netherlands. "I'd probably be satisfied if I got to hit America."
"You and me both," Cuba agreed. "I aught to just go over there and give him a well deserved pounding." Cuba rolled up his sleeve. He stepped forward, getting ready to charge across the yard to America.
But Netherlands grabbed his shoulder to stop him. "Wait, I wouldn't just run out like that just yet."
"Why the hell not?"
"I placed some mines in the snow," Netherlands said simply.
"Wha? What about those stupid rules America made?" he said, holding up his own copy of the flyer.
"Relax. They're not real mines. I made them out of snow."
"Oh, well that sounds kind of useless..."
"When someone steps on one, snow will explode from the mines and trap the victim in a tight mass of snow, leaving them completely immobile," he finished explaining.
"What? That's so ridiculous I doubt it'll work," Cuba scoffed. But crazier things have happened and Cuba didn't want to test it.
Netherlands shrugged. "They haven't been tested but you don't have to believe me. You know what, why not try running across the yard like you planned," he suggested, trying not to grin.
"Like hell I'm going to be your guinea pig," he growled, aiming a punch at the other. Netherlands caught his fist and punched back but Cuba caught his. So they were at a deadlock, glaring at each other.
Suddenly America popped up from behind his fort and stood on the wall. He was grinning like an idiot. "Hahaha! When I pull out my kick ass weapon, you'll all pay!"
A badly timed wind blew across the yard, America's skirt fluttering in the breeze. Everyone froze, looking between shocked and disgusted.
Prussia dropped the snowball he was going to chuck at Russia. His Gilbirds forgot to flap their wings so they crash landed on Russia's snow fort.
Russia didn't mind though; he just stood there with his usual smile. But inside, he wanted to pour bleach in his eyes and beat America to a bloody pulp.
As for Cuba and Netherlands, they had stopped fighting, standing stock-still. Being ever subtle, Netherlands nudged Cuba, causing him to fall backwards. Unfortunately he landed on one of the snow mines. There was loud bang and Cuba was engulfed in a cloud of snow. When it finally settled, Cuba was... inside a snowman. But since he fell on it, he was a snowman lying its side. On the bright side, he was spared from the traumatizing sight.
Prussia was the first to speak after minutes of relative silence. "Ha! Mine's bigger! Five meters, baby!"
"Nobody likes to see that, America," Russia commented, smiling and holding his water pipe threateningly.
"I'm gonna kill ya when I get outta this," Cuba said, struggling to free himself from the snowman. "Damn it, Netherlands!"
"Don't stare, you pervs," America said, pushing his skirt down.
"You should be glad France is not here. He would have probably grabbed it," Netherlands commented.
"Kesese! He actually would."
America shuddered. "You Europeans are all perverts. Same goes for you, Cuba," he added. Cuba wasn't in Europe, where ever that is, right?
Rolling his eyes, Netherlands went over to pick up Cuba. But then he stopped because he had a better idea. Slowly, he took a few steps back before charging forward and kicking Cuba. The snowman Cuban was sent flying across the yard and directly towards America. Even with Cuba screaming obscenities, America didn't notice until it was too late.
In seconds, America's fort was reduced to rubble. Coughing, America emerged from the snow, clutching his brown megaphone and a disgruntled Kumajiro. Nearby was an unconscious Cuba.
Gently, he placed the bear on the snow. "What the hell was that?" he shouted through his megaphone, before realizing it was broken and throwing it to the ground in frustration. "Damn it! You broke my Megaphone! You're gonna pay," he threatened, ducking behind what was left of his fort.
Netherlands grinned triumphantly. "Two down, two to go."
"I wouldn't be so sure," Russia said cheerfully.
That was when England came out of the house. No one paid him no mind though, still focused on their 'war'. Not that England was paying them any mind either. He was still a little giddy about his new discovery. He was going to head home to grab his magic knick-knack and do-dads to show to Canada. It was nice to know that there was someone else who could see his magical friends. They were not imaginary!
Crossing the front yard while strangely evading the mines, England whistled a happy tune as he made his way home.
To busy preparing for his ultimate plan, America did not notice the Briton leave. Jumping out from his former fort, America held up his ultimate weapon: a snow rocket launcher! Because the more firepower, the better. "Hahaha! Prepare to be owned! This baby here will send you packing," he said, patting his weapon and grinning like a madman. The grin grew as he saw the 'oh shit' expression on the other nations face.
"Are you sure that's a good idea, America?" Russia asked innocently.
"Shut up, commie! You suck!"
Russia simply shrugged. Nothing he could do to stop America's stupidity. Netherlands was already accepting his faith. He was just happy to get America back. Prussia was too busy saving his Gilbirds to care for what would happen next.
After a few seconds of dramatic stalling, America pulled the trigger on his weapon. The whole yard and a couple of the houses around were engulfed in a barrage of snow. Except Canada's house because it was built to withstand the toughest blizzards and it would definitely not be destroyed by one of his brother's crazy snow weapons. Nope.
When the snow settled, everything was quiet. America was lying in the snow, eyes closed. He may have been dead, he may have been alive. No one bothered checking. A sleeping Kumajiro snowman was sleeping next to him.
Ironically, Netherlands was stuck in a snowman. But he didn't really mind. Being a snowman wasn't going to stop him. He could make it work or at least get to somewhere warmer to melt it. Seeing as things seemed to be over, he might as well go home. Since snowmen don't have legs, he did the only thing he could: he hopped. Kind of like the time he hopped with his pet rabbit. He hopped all the way to the airport.
Not surprisingly, Russia had survived, standing normally in his spot as though nothing had happened. Since he was the last one standing, he'd won...
Suddenly his phone rang. He pulled it out and shuddered at who it was. Belarus. It was usually better to answer his crazy sister's call than to not. Usually. Hesitantly, he answered it and what he feared the most was true: his sister had found him. He couldn't stay for long.
"It looks like I have to go now," he told the others, even though he knew they probably couldn't hear him. "But I think I'll take a souvenir with me," he added. He bent down and picked up Prussia, putting him over his shoulder. Then he walked off, singing a Russian lullaby.
Only America and Cuba were left. But since Cuba was unconscious under a layer snow, he didn't really count. Groaning, America tried to open his eyes. It looked like he had won. He would have cheered but too much movement would have been painful. He settled for groaning very lousy and annoyingly.
"Mattie," he whined loudly. "Save me. Awaken me wit your kiss." Yes, he had won and he would get a kiss from his damsel in distress.
The door to Canada's house slowly opened, a shy blond peaking his head out. Hesitantly, he stepped outside an walked toward the fallen victor.
Even though America couldn't see who it was, he knew it could only be Canada. He grew more anxious as the footsteps came closer.
Canada stopped right in front of America. Slowly he got on his knees and knelt down. America puckered his lips, ready for the kiss. He could feel the other come closer and closer.
Nervous hands reached forward and... Picked up Kumajiro, who was still asleep beside America. Canada hugged the bear to his chest. He got up and made his way back inside, neglecting to check on America.
Another breeze blew through the yard. America just stayed there, thinking. Then he got up and left. He wasn't going to give up. Nope, not at all.
So there you have it. Review? PM? Throw an angry snowball? Do whatever.