I've never had anything all to myself. And if I have, it's only been guilt, never anything so beautiful as what I hold in my hands now.
He tells me he asks for secrets when he goes to see those capital woman. I asked him why he never asked for mine. I've been in the position of those woman a million times, and all he's ever said is "I love you". There were no questions then. He told me he already knew everything about me.
My fingers weave into his golden brown hair, my lips find his and I can't resist. There has never been a single secret between us. I used to tell him every bit of my day, from sunrise to dusk, until he began to spend all the time with him. The only span of time that I didn't share my story with him was when he was a pawn in there games. But then, every evening, I'd sit in my room and tell the abyss.
His lips press hard against mine, passionately, less tender then usual. I feel the taste linger on my lips even when he pulls away.
"Let's go for a walk." he mutters. And so we wonder off down the stretch of beach for awhile, before he begins to settle again. "I like it better with you." he tells me. I'm not sure what he means, what he likes better with me, and I don't ask. I'm just thankful he likes anything better with me, considering he could have any woman in all of Panem.
"Do you want to have a picnic?" I wonder, stopping slowly, and moving around to face him. He doesn't nod right off, but soon he comes around. He's not thinking of that capital woman, I know it, he's thinking of the games. I shut my eyes tight and imagine that long stretch when the only time I saw his face was through the static of the television.
I brought some food for us, a large loaf of the salty bread my mother makes and some butter. It was all I could sneak out of the house since my mothers sick. When I open my eyes, Finnick's staring at me, and without speaking I can hear him pleading with me. To make it all stop. But this is all out of my power. It's sick what they do to him, and it's worse how helpless I am to make his pain stop.
After severel more kisses, I make him eat a little something. When he was in the games, he was fighting to stay alive, and I could barely keep going. Now, every time he returns from the capital, I fight to keep him feeling This is the torture the capital wants. They wish him to always want to die.
"Hey, Finn?" I wonder, leaning into his chest. He's come round again, thank god, I was beginning to lose him again. "I love you." I whisper, and he pecks me affectionately on the cheek. Pressed so close to him, my heart thumps faster and faster, willing me to push him over in the sand, to force my tounge between his lips and have him want me the way I want him right now. Only I can't do that. Right now he's fragile. How can my heart be so selfish?
After I finish eating, Finnick has started chatting. He's reasonably quiet tonight, talking low so that no one finds us. We're not supposed to be on the beach after dark. Somehow, his hands find themselves on my bare skin, even though I was determined nothing would happen between us tonight. It seems wrong, after a capital woman has had him, for me to as well. But after severel seconds of hating myself for letting it happen, I'm finding I really do want him. I want him more then anything.
I've never been uncomfortable with Finnick. With what they've turned him into in the capital, neither has he. He moans a little, catches his breath and draws me closer. His tounge slips in my mouth and I beg for me, pushing into him, my heart now satisfied, no longer wanting. But yet, my body isn't at peace either. He breaks our kiss abruptly, but moves in for another and another, until we begin to steady ourselves, moving into a smoother rhythm. The odds are always in my favor, I think.
The dawn rouses us, and I throw on my clothes only to find my shirts been taken by the tide, and rouse Finnick hurriedly. We can't have stayed the night, they'll find us! I begin to panic, wondering who saw us. If they tell the peacekeepers, both of us are going to suffer. We run through the marsh quickly, laughing and smiling at each other. I hide in the grasses wall he runs to his house, grabs something of his mothers and rushes back. We giggle together and then I kiss him goodbye.
"Come to the docks tonight." He murmurs in my ear. I shutter and nod, not wanting to wait a whole day to see him again.
"I promise." I tell him. I promise a lot of things, to make him think I really do love him. Those capital woman never promise anything thing real, and that's one thing that separates us. One thing out of billions. I lean in for another warm, perfect kiss but he declines this one. We're too exposed.
There is a tiny blue forget-me-not braided into my hair, and I smile at my reflection. Sitting along in my room, the curtains open and the smell of the sea wafting through the house makes my eyes flutter shut gently. My mother comes in with the wash, and comes to stand behind me. Her face looks like mine. We have the same small nose and sea eyes, and her voice is sweet like Finnick tells me mine sounds. To me, my voice sounds harsh. But maybe that's because when I'm not with him it hurts.
My mother sighs. "You've always been so beautiful." she tells me, kissing my forehead and messing up my neatly brushed hair slightly. It's not like it won't get a fair share of messing up tonight, though, so I don't scold her for it. Instead I say thank you, and I forget all my troubles. I have everything anyone could need, my mother, Finnick, and safety.
I meet Finnick at the docks as I promised, and I'm not disappointed by what I see. He sets me gently down in a little canoe and paddles off, rowing farther and farther away. I know he hopes we can find somewhere where we do not have to wake in the morning to a rush of embarrassment. And so the boat rocks us gently to a small island, where we splash to the shore and fall into the sand. The beach is only a few feet long, with coarse sand and pebbles. But with his hands unbuttoning my perfect white blouse, I'm content with our spot. There is nothing in my world I have ever wanted more then Finnick Odair.
Please, please, please, rate and review. I know it's not much, but if I can get some people to review, I'll continue it. Hope you liked, and if you want more rate and review. Thanks so much for reading. Team Finnick 3