Title: Now or Never
Author: MacKenzie Rabb
Rating: PG
Feedback: Yes, please.
Spoilers: Up through "JAG: San Diego"
Classification: Post-episode; drama; Harm/Mac
Disclaimer: JAG and all characters within belong to Donald P. Bellisario, Paramount, and CBS. They're not mine, which is unfortunate, considering the lack of respect Bellisario insists on showing anything he's involved with. Don't sue. All you'll get is a piece of my mind anyway.
Written: March 13, 2005
Distribution: My sites, Bound and MacKenzie Rabb's Shipper Paradise, Anyone else, please ask.
Summary: This is the moment. She knows it's now or never, and she knows she's already waited far too long.
A/N: This started out as a drabble challenge, and when it went waaay over drabble length, this is what I wound up with. It's been at least two years since I've completed a JAG fic, so this is very unusual for me at this point, especially considering my disappointment with the show and David's leaving. But sometimes I still feel the need to fix what's broken, so I hope I'm not terribly rusty, and this is tolerable. :)

Mac walks into the waiting room at the hospital, and sees him there. The man that has always been there for her. He's sitting nearly on the edge of one of those awful waiting room chairs, bent forward, his shoulders slumped, head down, hands clasped and hanging between his knees.

The very sight of him almost makes her cry. But she won't, because it's her turn to be the strong one.

She sits down beside him, and lays a hand on his back, as he raises his head and smiles. It's a sad smile, but a smile all the same.

"How is Mattie?" she asks.

"There's been no change." He sighs.

He looks worn out, and she wishes she had taken his call sooner. She had called him back just as soon as dinner was over, but when she had heard what had happened, she had thought she was going to be sick.

She had asked him if getting the first flight back to D.C. in the morning was soon enough, and he'd agreed. She'd gotten up at the crack of dawn, spent five hours on a plane and three hours driving, and he still looked worse than she did.

He straightens and turns to her, and she moves into his arms unbidden. She holds him close, and wishes that she didn't feel so helpless; that he didn't feel that way. There's nothing she can do but hold him, and she's almost startled when she feels the hot tears on her neck. It's not that she's never seen him cry, but she was hoping for a little more time to get her bearings before it came to this.

Mac holds him tighter, and runs a hand up and down his back, though she doesn't know why. He loves Mattie like she was his own, and she knows there's no way to console a worried parent.

Her hand moves from his back to stroking his hair, as she starts to cry with him. He's had enough pain in his life, and she doesn't understand why everyone he loves seems to be taken from him. She's been praying for Mattie ever since she heard, and all she has done is beg for a young girl's life to be spared. For her to be whole, and for Harm not to suffer another blow.

She knows God doesn't owe her a thing, but she hopes that He is listening on their behalf.

They finally part, and she looks at him, wordless, but he knows all the things she wants to say. It's always been this way, and before this day is over she's vowed to say some things she should've said a long time ago, whether he needs to hear them or not.

Before she knows what's happening, he's wiping her tears away. She smiles into the hand that's resting on the side of her face, and distracts herself by digging through her purse for tissues. She finds a small plastic package of them, hands one to Harm, and takes one for herself.

They regain a bit of their composure, and she takes Harm's hand. "Can I see her?"

Harm nods, and silently leads her to Mattie's room. At the small window looking in, she takes in a sharp breath. It's so much worse than she had imagined somehow. She looks at Harm and nods, letting him know she'll suck it up like the Marine she is, for Mattie's sake.

They enter her room, and Harm gives her space to stand by the bed. She lets go of his hand, and takes Mattie's, so she'll know someone is there.

"Hey, Mattie. It's Mac," she says, her voice brighter than she feels. She knows if Mattie was awake she'd call her on it, too.

"I'm here now, and I'm going to take care of Harm, okay? But you need to hurry and get better, because he needs you to take care of him, too." She looks at Harm with a teasing smile. "You know how he is if you leave him to his own devices."

"I'm lost without both of you," he agrees, and there's that look. The one that's always been just for her, and it presses on her heart just as it always has.

She looks back down at Mattie, and squeezes the girl's hand. "I'm going to go and make sure Harm eats something, and we'll be right back, okay? Then we'll be here as long as you need." She squeezes her hand one more time before letting go and turning to Harm. "I mean it, so let's go."

He hesitates for a second, but she puts an arm around his waist and leads him from the room.

"You have to take care of yourself, Harm. Otherwise you're no good to her," she gently admonishes, tilting her head toward Mattie's room. "Does this place have a cafeteria?"

"Yeah, but the food sucks," he answers with a small smile.

"Wouldn't be a hospital cafeteria if it didn't," she says as they walk down the hall, her arm still around him.

They reach the entrance, and she reluctantly lets him go. "They have a salad bar?"

"Yeah. It's actually not bad if you catch it fresh," he concedes. "I just haven't felt much like eating."

"Well, you need to eat now, and then we can get back to Mattie."

Harm lets himself be shuffled through the line, and makes a salad just to appease her, she knows. She does the same, and pays the cashier. She insists, because there's no telling how much he's already forked over for food he didn't really want to eat.

They sit down next to each other at one of the many long tables, and half-heartedly begin to eat. Mac's hungry, as much as she hates to admit it, but she didn't eat on the flight home, and she'd only grabbed some junk food for the drive. Her appetite reacted very little to adverse situations.

Harm's only picking at his food, and she feels bad for putting hers away.

"I'm starving," she admits finally, with a sheepish smile.

Harm laughs. "Don't starve on account of me, Mac. It's been a long time since breakfast."

"I'm sorry. I'm just..."

"I know," he says. "Look." He holds up a forkful of lettuce. "I'll eat."

"Only if you want to," she says. "You just need to keep your strength up."

He nods.

"You've been at this for four days, and... Why didn't you call me before last night, Harm?"

He puts his fork down, and threads his fingers together, seemingly pondering her question. He shrugs as he says, "The doctors didn't tell us anything until yesterday, and the weather has been so bad you couldn't have gotten a flight even if you'd been able to get away from the conference."

"I'd have found a way, Harm. Even if I couldn't have, I'd have wanted to know." She wonders how she let it get this far. How she just kept pushing him further and further away until he really felt he couldn't count on her anymore. She has to make him see. He has to know that he can, and she's through pushing. She's tired of pushing.

"I know. There was just so much going on. Mattie's dad was literally falling apart, so I had to be here for her, and no one was telling us what was going on... I wish we could get her out of here and to a better hospital, but they're saying it's not a good idea to move her right now. When the weather's a little better, and they decide they can't treat her further here, they'll decide where to send her."

"I'm sorry, Harm. I just wanted to be here for you."

"You are now," he says and reaches across the table to take her hand.

For the first time in a long time she's not even thinking about rejecting one of his gestures, and he holds her hand as she finishes her dinner. When she's done, he takes their trays to the return, and takes her hand again as they head back to the waiting room.

It's empty except for them, so they take one of the couches on the far side of the room.

"Where's Mattie's dad now?" she asks, worried that he's not there.

"Home sleeping off a bender," Harm replies, and the disappointment in his voice is almost painful.

Mac's face falls, and she sighs, placing a hand on Harm's knee. "Stressful times are the hardest to stay sober, and he hasn't been on the wagon for long."

"He should've stayed on it for Mattie," he says, and there's an edge of anger to his voice she hasn't heard since she arrived.

"He should've," she agrees. She knows the struggle all too well, and even after spending the better part of eighteen years sober, she remembers the temptation when everything else gets to be too much.

"Do you have a hotel room? I could stay here while you at least go get a shower or something."

"I got one a couple days ago, but I haven't been there for more than ten minutes."

"And Sturgis is in charge at JAG?"

"Yeah. Uh, I handed it right over to him when I got the call."

"I told Cresswell about it last night. He probably called in this morning."

"Well, he can have me court-martialed if he wants to, but I had to get down here as soon as possible."

Mac smiles. "He might have you court-martialed for a lot of things, but I doubt this'll be one of them."

"I just get the feeling he doesn't like me much," he says wryly.

"Trust me, Harm. If you ever start to feel unloved around the office, just think of Lieutenant Gregory Vukovic. I bet there's someone in all fifty states and at least half a dozen different countries who has ill will for him," she laughs.

"That bad, huh?"

She shudders. "Terrible."

"Good to know."

She smiles and relaxes back against the cushions. "This is the most comfortable seat I've had all day."

Harm puts an arm around her shoulders, and pulls her into his arms. Her head rests against his strong chest, and she sighs.

"I take it back. This is the most comfortable seat I've had all day."

His arms rest loosely around her, and she realizes to what extent she's missed this. Just being close to him, whether it meant comfort, or it meant more.

This is the moment. She knows it's now or never, and she knows she's already waited far too long.

"Harm?"

"Hmm?"

"I love you."

If he's shocked she's actually come right out and said it, then she doesn't blame him at all. But she's tired of running away from what's been right there all along, and she knows she doesn't need yet another near death experience to force it out of her.

"Mac, I..."

She shifts around to face him, and expects nothing in return. His patience for her in the last two years has run longer than she ever thought it would, and she's not going to blame him if he'd given up and let go a long time ago. But she has a feeling that maybe he hasn't.

"I love you, too," he finally responds, but he's frowning, as if he doesn't really believe this is happening.

She lets out a small laugh. "Now, was that so hard?"

His expression goes from puzzled to amazed, and she's rewarded with one of his lopsided grins. "You tell me."

"It shouldn't have taken this long, Harm. But I've been thinking ever since my accident at Christmas, and all the way home from San Diego... It shouldn't take an endless string of tragedies to get to this point. We have wasted years, for whatever stupid reasons, and I'm tired of wasting them. We don't know how many we have, and I want to be with you. I want to be here for you, not just when you need a friend, but always."

She can tell he's speechless, and lets him take his time. She wouldn't know what to say to her either after the way she's treated him.

Somehow he knows what she's thinking. "It's all forgiven, Mac. It always has been."

"I've been horrible, and you've been patient, and I will make it up to you." She feels the tears forming in her eyes, and thinks the last thing she needs is to fall apart.

"You're here, Mac. That's all I've ever needed."

He kisses her, and she regrets that this ever took so long.

As she settles back in his arms, she tries to reassure him that Mattie will be all right, and that she'll be with them every step of the way. She knows this time she's making the kind of promises that she can keep.

Finis