Welcome, my friends to the funniest piece of fanfiction I have ever written. This was a challenge piece put forth by the one and only Mrs. Milfoy. Here are the parameters:

1. Muggle bath salts

2. A Marlene Dietrich film

3. The song "Islands in the Stream"

4. Bellatrix LeStrange crochets one of those little Christmas ornament angels

5. At least 3 Freudian slips

6. Say something nice about Lucius Malfoy

7. A mud wrestling match (you get a Scooby snack for every Malfoy involved)

Shall we begin?

Chapter one

The Portkey Incident

"Mum, I really don't want to go." Draco said for the hundredth time, still desperately trying to plead his case.

In all actuality, he didn't have a case at all. What he did have, is the sullen resentment of being dragged along on an all weekend shopping extravaganza with his mother and his Aunt Bellatrix. The prospect of which, sent chills down his spine.

"Draco, I am not going to argue about this anymore." His mother said as she flicked her wand, folding a few more things for the trip. "You need clothes. We've been through this a hundred times, son. You're beginning to look like one of those...Weasley's."

"My clothes are fine." He argued as he turned around, examining himself in his mother's full length bedroom mirror. "Besides, can't you two just go get my clothes and bring them back?"

Narcissa stopped what she was doing to eye him in the reflection. Draco peered back and saw that she had that look. The look that stated she was finished arguing. He swallowed, daring to continue.

"I had plans this weekend, mum." He stated as he turned to face her.

Narcissa slammed closed the trunk and marched up to him whirling him toward her.

"You made plans only after I told you, you were going with us." She said as she found two missing buttons on the black Oxford he was wearing. "That, darling, is your own fault. Now go pack before breakfast or I'll do it for you."

Draco pulled away, and muttered under his breath as he straightened his shirt. "Surround myself with fucking crazy bitches, I do."

"Excuse me?" His mother replied.

"You called?" Bella grinned leaning on the door jam.

"Merlin's saggy fucking balls. I'm going." Draco stated as he moved toward the door and past Bella.

"Not staying to chat, nephew?" Bella turned and called after him.

"Bugger off, Bella," was his only reply as he made his way to his room.

Bellatrix laughed as she sauntered into her sister's room. She plopped down on the edge of the bed and filtered through the trunk. Pulling out a pair of knickers, she said, "Perhaps we should get you something more...interesting this weekend."

Narcissa came up, snatched them out of her hand and placed them back in the trunk.

"Those are my comfortable ones." Narcissa hissed as she closed the trunk yet again.

"And you wonder where he gets it?" Bella said as she walked toward the mirror.

"Gets what? He is a Malfoy, and he will look like one. Not some homeless reprobate someone dragged off the street."

"Mordred's fuck stick, Narcissa. I've only been a month out of Azkaban, and I can tell you smother the boy. Let him live in threadbare clothes if he wants to. Shite, get him a whore. The boy needs his first good shag." Bellatrix lectured while blowing an errant curl out of her face.

Narcissa whirled around. "His first...shag...will not be with a filthy prostitute."

"Well I believe that may be up to him, sister." Bellatrix stated with a grin. "Why are you getting so worked up about this anyway? He's almost grown."

"Because he's not grown yet! I am still his mother. He will abide by my wishes or..."

"Or what, Cissy? What will you do?" Bella inquired roughly. "You know, if I didn't know better, I'd think you want him all to yourself."

"And what exactly does that mean, Bellatrix?" Narcissa scathed.

"I mean, he is an awfully beautiful specimen of a wizard, and he's probably hung like a horse." Bella laughed.

"You are...twisted, sister. Unhinged even." Narcissa replied as she turned away to hide the pink flush that crept up her face.

"You do want him!" Bellatrix said as she laughed deeply. "Oh, Cissy...this will be like having a Black family reunion!"

Narcissa composed herself and turned toward her sister.

"Have you even packed?" Narcissa spat.

"I have everything I need right here." Bella grinned, pointing at her ample cleavage.

"Really, Bella? At least take some extra knickers." Narcissa said shaking her head.

"Why would I do that?" Bellatrix stated as she walked up to her sister. She leaned in and whispered in her ear. "I don't wear them."

Narcissa unceremoniously shoved her sister away. Bella laughed and walked toward the door.

"See you at breakfast." Bella said as she winked and exited.

Breakfast saw the trio in many different attitudes. Draco, still surly over having to go shopping. Narcissa, still flustered at her sister's discovery, and Bella...just being Bella. Lucius had completely read through the prophet, and made to leave when he turned toward Narcissa.

"Are you three still planning this...excursion?" He asked.

"Yes, dear. We shall be portkeying after breakfast." She answered as she sipped her tea.

"That's fine, but I need to show you which portkey. We've added one just recently and it would not be in your best interest to use it." He informed, glancing at Bella.

"What have you two done?" Narcissa inquired, skeptically.

Bellatrix smiled at her sister. "Just a bit of a cursed portkey for ickle little Potter."

"Another one?" Draco finally joined in. "You tried thatone already, remember? It didn't work out so well."

"Yes...but this one is different. Much different." Bella grinned evilly. "Got it from Mundungus."

"Spirits be with us, Bella, what does it do?" Narcissa asked, rubbing her forehead.

"Not important. And I know which one it is, Lucius. Remember? You can go away now and pretend to do important work." Bellatrix said as she waved him away.

Lucius stood for a moment eyeing Bella before he backed down and walked out.

"So...what's first on the agenda, sister?" Bellatrix asked.

Narcissa leaned forward and picked up the newspaper. Unfolding it, she answered. "We'll need to check in at the hotel. We'll get our room and then be off."

"Room? Don't tell me you've only gotten one room for the three of us." Draco growled.

"It's just for the weekend, Dragon, and there will be plenty of space for you to do... whatever it is you do." Narcissa countered.

"I can't believe, with all our money, you couldn't..."

"Draco, darling," Bellatrix leaned forward and cut him off. "Will you please pass me the salt?"

Draco grabbed the shaker, still glaring at his mother and stood. When he looked at his aunt he saw that she had leaned forward with elbows on the table and her breasts were threatening to spill out of the trim black corset she wore.

Eyes fixed on her chest, Draco stood motionless for a few seconds. Narcissa looked up from the paper at her son and followed his line of sight. Before anything could be said, a loud crack resounded and the house elf came to clear the empty dishes. Bellatrix leaned back, Narcissa angrily folded the paper and tossed it back to the table, while Draco came out of his stupor.

"How was your meal, young master?" The house elf inquired.

Draco looked down at the creature and said, "It was the breast beckfast ever."

Twenty minutes later found them entering the room with the portkeys. In the very center was a table and three, very similar, old worn tomes were displayed. The group stood in front of the table, looking down.

"Who would do this?" Draco asked exasperated.

"I imagine your, not so well put together, aunt." Narcissa interjected.

"I think they look dastardly, all sitting there together. Besides...I've already told you I know which one." Bella defended. "It's the one in the middle."

Draco moved to touch it when Bella grabbed his hand.

"Wait!" She cried, "You have to say the words!"

Then, very dramatically and very loudly, she spoke.

"KLAATU...BARADA...NECK-TIE!"

Narcissa and Draco looked at her with confusion and simultaneously said, "What?"

"Oh nothing...just something I heard one time. Anyway...are we ready?" She smiled.

"Absolutely," Draco said. "Let's get this over with."

Three hands met on the middle tome, and they vanished.

A/N

I'm waiting till the end to post author's notes. Technically this is an author's note and it's not at the end but I had to leave an author's note to let you know that I am not posting author's notes. I would love reviews, though. They make me happy.