Can you say pain?
It was like nothing I had ever felt before, a tearing inside of me that threatened with complete destruction if I didn't do something about it.
Pure, red, unadultered pain. That's what I felt the moment I found out. I never asked myself; "Why does this happen to me?" "What did I do wrong?" "Do I deserve this?" I didn't have time for this questions before the onslaught of...
Pain.
After a while, with the pain still there, I managed to come to my senses, in that moment I realized I had somehow gotten back to my car and 3 hours had passed with me sitting in there, still in the parking lot of the hospital, waiting for something or someone to come out and tell me everything had been a mistake, that he was there, waiting for me to pick him up and bring him home where we could just cuddle and watch a movie and just reschedule the wedding or something.
But it would not be. He was gone, forever now, like one of his mystery novels just without the happy ending, how out of character of him, though, to just die and leave his fiancée alone for good. When would I have enough loss?
It wasn't supposed to happen to us, we were Kate and Richard, the couple against all odds, we had made it this far. And now that we were finally together...this? Just before we were going to commit to each other for eternity, just when we were ready to be happy...this?
I put the car keys in the ignition when I remembered; Alexis, Martha. Where were they? I remember they came with me but where had I left them? Oh my God Alexis, she must be beside herself with grief and worry now that I had disappeared for, I checked the clock, almost 4 hours. How could I be so selfish?
I got out of the car and walked back to the hospital. People stared at me practically gaping. Did I wear my pain so obviously that people just couldn't help it and had to stop and stare? As I looked down I realized I was still using my wedding dress. Not the original one, that one was ruined and now this one too, forever engraved with the memories of the worst day of my life.
I looked up and walked down the emergency room looking for the couple of redheads. I finally found them and approached them hesitantly, I didn't know how I would be received.
"Oh Kate!" Alexis saw me and ran towards me, I enveloped her in the fiercest hug I had ever given. "We were so worried, Ryan and Esposito are out there looking for you."
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I don't know what...I'm just so sorry" I wept. I didn't know if I was holding her or if she was holding me. I felt a pair of warm arms embraced me and could smell Martha's perfume. We wept together for what felt like hours.
Our boy was gone.
"You need to find who did this Kate." Martha told me between sobs. "You need to find out who did this and make them pay and regret ever messing with our family."
I nodded. I had made the decision the moment I fell in love with him. No one could mess with him and get away with him. No one.
But I stayed there, in the protecting hug of Castle's family, my family. Maybe if we stayed there together he would come into the room, having felt some kind of pull towards us because of our pain. Maybe he would just walk in with his mischievous eyes and adorable smile, a smile that would only grow larger when he saw us huddled together.
So for the moment, I just hugged them tighter.