Authors' Note: I said I'd write some Tales of Symphonia, and I finally have! It's very angsty, but thats because of some shit that's happened to me. This is dedicated to Evie Warner. I'm sorry for everything, and I hope we can make amends xx

"I'm sorry, Lloyd."

Those were the words I longed to say, to try and salvage what relationship we had, but how could I? Every time I even tried, my heart would thunder painfully in my chest, my breaths would be drawn out, and sting my lungs with every inhale and exhale. I had ruined everything. Everything that we had built up over the years, was now gone…and it was all my fault.

Lloyd had always been there for me, even when the others had turned their backs. When the townspeople of Iselia discovered that I wasn't an elf, but a half elf, I was discriminated against so badly I felt like committing suicide. Raine tried to lift my spirits, but most of the time I'd end up yelling at her, saying that she 'didn't understand how I felt', and the cracks between us started to show immensely.

I had never felt more alone in my entire life. Being cold and distant with the only blood relative I had left, and discovering I wasn't who I thought I was all my life in the space of a week? It really tipped me over the edge. All I wanted was to be alone, just how I was supposed to be. I mean, who wants to associate themselves with a half elf?

Of course, Lloyd was different. He was there for me, gave me a much needed shoulder to cry on during my depressive phase, and offered words of support that helped me a great deal. He was the greatest friend that I could have ever asked for, and I loved him purely for that reason.

So, why did I have to go and ruin things?

I was always scared that even though he told me countless times, that he would always be there for me, and that I was his best friend, that someday down the line those words would be meaningless, and I would be replaced by someone far better, and superior. Someone who was older, and could be a better friend than I could ever hope to be.

The twin demons of the mind are a powerful entity, especially when you already hate yourself immensely.

Over the years, when I was younger, Raine and I used to travel from place to place, never finding anywhere that felt like home. We were always discriminated, hated, for no reason, so that meant our search continued for years. That was, until we found Iselia, and the atmosphere to this tiny town was much better than anything we had encountered before.

Yes, we were discriminated, but nothing in comparison to the other towns. Raine managed to get herself a job as a teacher in the local school, and I managed to continue studying like any other normal fourteen year old. Life was finally getting back on track, but even though we managed to find a place of eventual acceptance, the loneliness never subsided.

I never had any friends, no-one really wanted to socialise with a freak, and I understood the reasons why. I'd probably feel the same way.

Lloyd…he wasn't like the others, he was different.

He made an effort to talk to me, offered to share his lunch on occasion; chatted about lessons that he didn't really care about, but knew it was something I was passionate about. It was nice to be included in everyday activities, and if we had a group assignment, at least I didn't have to study alone.

Lloyd was always there for me, through it all, the good and the bad times.

It was only a matter of time before the twin demons resurfaced, and plagued my mind with restless thoughts. Especially, when I knew he was very good friends with Colette. The fear returned with a vengeance, terrified that sooner or later she would be more important than I could ever hope to be. That she would be a better friend, and ultimately I would be tossed to the side-lines like an unwanted children's toy.

How could I compete with her? She was everything I wasn't. They had more things in common, and seemed to get along better in general. Also, she was a human, something that I could never hope to be. There was no competition right? Humans are going to win every time.

It hurt…and I mean really hurt.

Whenever I saw them together, just chatting and laughing, I had this overbearing weight press down on my heart, and I fought so valiantly to keep my tears at bay. I knew what this feeling was, that swelled in my chest, and consumed my very soul.

I was jealous.

I was so jealous that Lloyd was spending time with someone else, someone other than me, and how was I supposed to deal with that?

Lloyd was my best friend, and yet it seemed that he wanted to spend that time with someone else, not caring about my feelings. So, as expected the depression kicked in once again, and for days I refused to go into school, claiming I had a stomach bug and was far too ill. Raine didn't push the subject, thankfully, and went about her usual routine.

Not that I wanted attention from her. No, the only person who I wanted to get a reaction from was Lloyd, yet it seemed he wasn't fazed. He didn't call me, didn't come to visit my house to see if I was okay, or anything. It was as if I didn't exist anymore to him.

That now he had Colette, I could be brushed under the metaphorical carpet, and forgotten about. It hurt more than anything in my entire life.

I trusted Lloyd with my life. He was the only person who I was close to, apart from Raine, and yet it seemed he had betrayed me. If he truly cared he would've called me, or came to my house to see if I was feeling better. He always used to do those things…he was always so caring.

So, why did it have to change?

The depression got worse, and I did end up going back to school, not because I wanted to. Raine told me that the summer exams were coming up soon, and that I was behind in my studies, so I had little choice.

It was hard, watching Lloyd and Colette together every day, and even though Lloyd didn't ignore me completely, a part of me still felt unwanted, and un-needed.

However, the biggest issue for me was, I never had the guts to actually tell Lloyd how this was affecting me. I just went quiet, and became distant. Whenever he spoke to me, I never said anything to continue a conversation, and lied about having to study after class as to not see him after school. It was so hard, yet I had to.

Self-preservation was something I had to do.

It was either that, or allow myself to be utterly destroyed.

As time went on, things got progressively worse. Lloyd and I had several arguments, all including Colette, and even though he would constantly reassure me that they were just friends, and that I was still his best friend, I couldn't believe him.

How could I? My heart was already convinced that I had lost this battle for good, and that nothing I could do would ever fix it.

He was the only person, aside from Raine who I genuinely loved. He meant the world to me, and I would've gladly sacrificed my life for him if I had to. So many times we laughed together, and stayed up late until we were at death's door the following morning. We would talk about stupid things, and deep and meaningful things. We would speak to each other every day, even if we had nothing interesting to say.

It's just what we did…and now, it was lost.

Cutting him out of my life was the hardest decision I had to make, but it was either that or self-destruction. It was obvious that he wanted Colette more than he did with me, so after the final day of exams had passed, I made a vow to never speak with him again, no matter how difficult that might be.

Now, I had to move on, and not dwell on the things that I couldn't change.

I never imagined a week to be so gruelling.

I busied myself in my books, and writing, and tried to get out of the house and out exploring as often as possible to try to forget about Lloyd. I needed a distraction, and Raine's archaeological fieldwork did just that. For once, I didn't feel as if the entire world was crashing down upon me, and there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Raine was so patient with me, and I was forever grateful. She didn't know about my pressing issue, but she had a gut instinct something was wrong.

The fieldwork was quite fulfilling. I learned a lot more about our natural habitat, and the ruins from decades ago, than I ever would from keeping my nose glued to a textbook. I was thankful for the reprieve. However, it was at night when the memories and the longing returned.

I wondered about Lloyd, and if he had already replaced me with Colette, and that they would joke about how much of a shitty friend I was, making fun of the fact I was a half elf, and not a perfect human. That they were much better off without me in their lives, and it just allowed the depression to consume me once again.

He probably didn't miss me at all. He was most likely just getting along with his life, day by day in his usual way. It wasn't as if he didn't have anyone to talk to. He had Colette, and every day I was constantly reminded of this fact. Lloyd was gone…and Colette had won.

XXX

When Sunday rolled around, it had been a full week since I last spoke to Lloyd, and finally I was starting to recover from the onslaught of emotions. It had been difficult, but as they say, time heals all wounds right?

That was going swimmingly, until I realised that Lloyd still had some of my text books which I used for studying, and if I wanted them back then I'd have to speak to him.

Face to face was a big no no. I doubted that my sanity would've lasted that long if I saw him again, so I decided to email him on Raine's laptop. It was so hard to even type the words, and to try and sound polite, instead of bitter and twisted. My stomach was churning with every word I typed, and in the end the message ended up looking like this;

'Good afternoon.

I just realised that you still have some of my books that I need for my studies. Could I have them back please? Much appreciated.

Genis'

My heart was hurting as I sent the message, worried that perhaps it was too formal, or if I should have even sent anything at all? Was it weak of me for making the first move after everything?

Either way, it was done now, so the only thing I could do was sit and wait anxiously for a reply.

It came faster than a bolt of lightning. There, right in front of my eyes was a new email, written from Lloyd, addressed to me. For a brief moment, I didn't want to open it, just in case it was full of abuse, or indifference. I doubt that would have been something I could've handled right now.

However, I had to be strong about this, so I opened the email and read the words that littered the page.

'I'm one step ahead of you, I already have them packed up, and will send them tomorrow for you. I figured you'd want them back in the end. Xx'

There was no viciousness behind the words, just pure atonement, and for a moment, I felt extremely guilty. Lloyd knew I wanted them back, so he was going to send them regardless of if I wrote to him? He also wrote two kisses on the end of the message, proving that even though it had been a week of no contact, he still felt something for me.

Maybe he still cared, even if just a little?

'Thank you. I hope you get everything you want in life.'

Was the next email I sent, and as I watched the little mailbox drift away, my heart started to sink further and further into the sea of despair. Was this really it now? The end? Tears stung my eyes, as I constantly refreshed the page, waiting for an email in response.

It happened sooner than I expected.

'You too Genis. I will always miss you, but I understand this is what you need, so I won't antagonise you further. I'm sorry for everything I did, but I wish you luck in the future. You were the greatest friend I ever had xx

Lloyd~'

That was it. I allowed myself to break down completely, not caring if Raine heard me, or was concerned over my behaviour. Just reading those words in my head, sent a pain through my heart like no other.

Even after everything, he was still the same till the end.

'I'm sorry Lloyd, for everything. I will always love you, more than you'll ever know. You will always be my best friend, in my soul, and in my heart. I wish you love and happiness in your life, and I am so sorry for everything.

Genis'

Only that last message failed to send…

XXX

Fin~