Well shit, son. Why am I such a pretentious fuck? Only a matter of time before I wrote another one of these fics. Eheheh...most of my time is spent other places (kpopwut) but I still wander back to HM every once and a while. Cliched at this may be, it's been wreaking havoc in my head for the past few days so might as well write it down and post it up.
Mind you, I do not mention names, but I think who this is about is made clear by the end. Or at least, that was my intention. You can make whatever you wish of this, or you can bash me for this having nothing to do with Harvest Moon (no names! It can't be about HM then!) but, I wrote it with three characters and one setting in my mind, and all of them are HM-verse. Just be a little bit more easy when reading and I hope you won't care by the end. Sorry, I'm just blathering about my pretentious fuckery today. Oh well.
Warning: About 1,500 words of angst and bawwing coming up.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harvest Moon.
…
Three times love, three times dreams, three times hopes. I can repeat it and toss it about through my head, again and again, again and again, again and again, but in the end it's always the same. Even if I change the words and the meanings, even if the tone is different and the eyes are sullen, even if everything is different except you are still you and I am still me. Even if everything changes, it always stays the same.
It was funny how we used to be before.
It was funny, when you think about it. About those long nights spent sleeping out in the pastures, the sunny days on the beach, the endless moments spent hand in hand, together forever.
It was funny how when I said 'forever', you would say 'and ever', and everything was just supposed to fall in place, to fall in place and build the bridge, to build the bridge that would link us forever. Even if I was only thirty seconds away, there was always that distance. But if it was to be built, I'd never have to walk again.
It never got to be built.
Three times, again and again, I loop it through my mind, love going around and around, trying to be let out. Three times, again and again, I try so hard to direct it out, to find someone new, but it always goes back to you.
Something changed. In both of us. Never-ending conversations met awkward pauses. Long lasting glances finally looked away. The warmth between us finally cooled.
I yearned for you, for your glance, for something, a spark, for anything. For you to just look at me with those fond eyes that looked at so many others. Then again, I wonder, if you ever did, if I ever did, if anything ever happened, would it have worked? Or were we doomed to be this way, to walk this way, to feel this way, for eternity, for this life and the next, for every moment from here on out.
I see the way you look at her, I hear the way you speak of her, I can feel your butterflies that you get when you talk to her. You love her more than you ever loved me.
At first, I wondered why. Why you ever chose her over me, why it ended this way, why, oh why, couldn't it have been me. Maybe it was distance, or maybe it was love. I like to believe that maybe, just maybe, if I was the one five centimeters from your face every day, two seconds from your hand, one moment from your love, that maybe, just maybe, it would have been somewhat different.
Three times, again and again, over and over, through and through, I dream of you and me. I dream of paradise, together forever, and that she would always be my best friend and that you would always only love me. Yet, three times, again and again, reality never changed. In the end, it was just a dream.
You fell for her, against all logic.
I was popular throughout the town. I was bubbly and cute and impossible to dislike. Not bragging, just saying. I was friendly and fun and I always just wanted to make everything happy. I wanted to fix everything and everyone, to put a giant band-aid on the world so nobody would hurt anymore.
I don't know why I was like this. Maybe it was because I hurt more than anything, hurt because of absence and love and straight pain, hurt because of everything. Maybe I thought that if I cured everyone, if everyone was fixed and happy, that maybe, just maybe, the hurt would stop, and we could all be happy. Never would anyone cry because she was never there. Never would anyone weep because of a wayward fist.
Never would anyone's heart be broken.
And then there she was, the opposite of me. So angry and upset, thrashing thought between her feet and words through her fingers. She was hurt, just like me, hurt because of what could have been and what should have been and everything that she could be, if only the boat had turned west and sailed a different sea.
Unlike me, she didn't try to stop it. She let the pain take her over; control her mind and her body and all her decisions. She let the pain out when the stomped her feet and twirled her arms and let it all go around, swirling through eternity. She let the pain control everything.
At the same time, she was still so very beautiful, hurt and beautiful.
That left you. I don't know how to describe you.
You were hurt as well, just as me and her, just the same. Hurt due to absence and hurt due to loneliness and hurt due to futures. Yet unlike me, and unlike her, the hurt never hurt you. It just made you determined to be better, to be stronger, to be the best! To smile and laugh, to yell and scream, to just be you. It didn't make you want to fix it, it didn't make you want to hurl a vase, it just made you a person, real in every one of your four dimensions (you could never fit into three).
So you were you, in every aspect.
Three times, again and again, every night, I hope. I hope that you'll coming running back to me, telling me that you missed me, and that maybe I'll finally get the guts to say that I was the one that fucked up, that it was all me, stupid, selfish me. I hope, again and again, three times, but in the end, it's just a hope. And nobody wants to listen to a lovesick girl hope.
I met you first. One night, by chance, but I still met you first.
From that night on, we were best friends. Fated to be together forever – or so I thought.
We did everything together. You made me laugh louder than ever before, you made me smile brighter than ever before and you made me forget, forget everything and everyone. Every second I was with you, it was just you and me. No one else but you and me.
I loved you. I really did.
I wonder how you felt about me.
I still do.
All I know is that you met her, and you fell in love with her.
When you met her, you loved her, and it made me think, think so hard, think all the time, about how you felt about me.
I don't think it ever crossed your mind that I could be anything more, mean anything more, feel anything more.
And for now, I guess it's fine. Because as the seasons change, people do too. And just as time goes on, people will too.
Three times, again and again, it's always the same. We'll always change, they'll always change. Three times, again and again, life just goes through this same circle.
I don't know why I still hurt, now more than ever before. I guess all that forgetting is catching up to me.
It was funny, how much I loved you. Yet I could never get the words to form just right in my mouth. And I could never get the words out, but she never held back.
She makes you happy, I'll have to accept it. I'll force myself to. I'll deal with the hurt by myself, because what's the point of troubling you? You have your own, and you have hers. That's enough.
Someone else will find me, and they won't make me feel anything. They'll only make me happy, just like she makes you happy.
I'll move forward, without assistance and without the past. My mind will always go back to you, and I won't try to stop it. It's just a fact of life. Again and again, through and through, over and over, it's always the same.
Either way, I'll learn to live without you, without sunny skies and endless nights, without 'one day' and 'forever' always lingering in the air. I'll learn to live without you, whether or not it hurts more than words could say.
I'll learn to live without you, nobody can stop that.
Three times, again and again, she screamed out her love. And three times, again and again, nobody could hear her.
Three times, again and again, she cried every night. And three times, again and again, she dried her tears by morning.
Three times, again and again, she moved on without you. And three times, again and again, with a little bit of searching, happiness found her.