New.
Sitting on the ratty old couch in the loft, TV set to a low enough volume where both gems were satisfied, Peridot could feel Lapis' hand rest on top of hers.
At first she thought it was a mistake, her nervous eyes darting to the side, seeing Lapis disinterestedly watching the TV, supporting her head with her arm, elbow biting into the arm of the couch.
Her thumb started stroking the back of Peridot's hand, in soft, almost ticklish movements. The technician blushed a bright cyan, opening up her palm cautiously, and held Lapis' hand in a loose grip.
It was terrifying; not like being chased by the Roaming Eye, not months of running from the Crystal Gems, it was terrifying because it was utterly foreign to the small gem. She only knew as much as Steven told her about the subject of affection, which was admittedly not much.
Her chest felt weird, a sensation Steven called "butterflies", another strange human term that fit, as the fluttering earth creature's movements did resemble the feeling in her abdominal region.
Lapis squeezed her hand, almost as if to test if Peridot's hand was even there, which sent a (nice) shiver up the green gem's spine. She snuck a glance over her shoulder, and was pleasantly surprised.
Lapis was smiling. Very faintly, but it was there.
Peridot thought that was the first time she'd seen the older gem genuinely smile, aside from the ones she gave Steven.
It was nice.
Those moments had been getting more and more frequent, the older gem touching or talking to her in a relaxed manner, like it was normal. Peridot loved it.
She felt like Lapis was finally beginning to trust her, even if it were these small, almost imperceptible actions that made Peridot's "heart" swell with joy.
She was doing something right, and for once, nobody was ordering her to do so.
Slowly, the small gem began to trust herself a little bit more. Trust her decisions, not the ones she's been conditioned to think.
Thunderstorms.
Lapis didn't mind the rain, or the dark sky, although it set her more on edge, it wasn't anything she couldn't deal with.
It was the loud noises that got to her the most. The electric air, the unexpected crack of thunder. It made her tense up and curl into herself, made her close her eyes tightly, trying to forget the memories it resurfaced. She couldn't escape, and it was suffocating her.
She hated feeling like this. So, so fucking weak. She thought she had improved, she thought she had gotten stronger. But if a stupid earth storm brought her to her knees, made her curl up, unresponsive for hours; well, what couldn't break her?
What if Peridot saw you? Saw how defective you really are.
She would turn her nose at the ugly mess in shambles over the smallest things, too sensitive, too afraid.
"Lapis?"
She jerked her head up towards the soft whisper of her name, seeing Peridot, hand raised tentatively, reaching out for her.
The older gem could see the conflict in her eyes, whether or not to lay a comforting hand on her shoulder, or to wrap her up in a hug. Peridot knew Lapis didn't react well to unexpected touch, and as a result, the green gem returned her hand to her side.
Lapis felt a pang in her chest. She realized she felt... comfortable with Peridot touching her. She didn't feel uneasy about it. It was similar to her attitude with touch towards Steven.
"Peridot," The small gem was in the midst of turning away, the call of her name making her jump out of her skin.
"I-it's okay." she took a deep, shaky breath, trying to convey her feelings with these simple, human words was proving difficult.
So she lifted her arm, palm facing out in an attempt to get Peridot to take it. The green gem's eyes flicked downwards, taking a moment to process what exactly Lapis' gesture meant.
She took her hand.
It was a familiar touch, one Lapis had felt before, one that made her feel warm, not the constant cold that managed to worm its way into her chest, a life-sucking companion she couldn't seem to get rid of.
She felt it ease, just a bit, when the green gem took her hand and gave a light, reassuring squeeze.
It was nice, just to forget, at least for a little while.
Frustration.
Closeness, something Lapis hated, had become something of a craving, at least, when Peridot was involved.
It infuriated the older gem; it was confusing and terrifying but somehow wonderful; it made her feel the faint, muted version of what she identified as happiness.
Truthfully, it scared her that Peridot made her feel that way, because she, selfishly, didn't want to be hurt. If she opened herself up, vulnerable and at the mercy of the other gem -
Peridot wouldn't do that. You know that.
Looking at the green gem tucked into her side, asleep, Lapis found herself listening to the small, insignificant voice in the back of her head.
Thoughts.
She wanted to kiss her.
Everytime they shared quiet, understanding looks, ones where their faces were inches apart, she could hear the small, niggling voice telling her to capture Peridot's soft green lips with her own, and every damn time she shoved the urge down. She broke eye contact, put a few extra inches between them, licking her lips.
It was becoming harder to do that.
The almost-kisses, the cuddling, making meep-morps, doing anything with the small gem made her feel - if that made sense. They've had their fair share of disagreements, both were stubborn, but, eventually, they worked it out.
She was scared to lean in, to be vulnerable, to lay her confusing feelings out in the form of a kiss.
She didn't want to hurt Peridot.
Talking.
"Lapis?"
"Hmm?"
"Do, uh, do you think we are," she paused, looking down at her sock-clad feet, "close?"
It caught her off guard, her eyes widening, "Uhm, yeah. Yes."
Great job Lazuli. Nailed it.
The small gem now directed her attention to her fingers, which were fiddling with a torn piece of cushion, tufts of stuffing peeking out from the tiny rip.
"Peridot?" she prompted, and the aforementioned gem's fingers dug into the seat cushion hard, tension radiating from her.
"Peridot?" she said with a little more force, covering the other gem's hand with her own. Peridot took a big shaky breath, and spoke in a quiet voice.
"It's just… it's just you do all of these things," she held up their intertwined hands, "and then pull away. Am I doing something wrong?"
"N-No-" she rushed to correct her, but Peridot shook her head.
They were getting closer, she noticed. She could feel Peridot's breath ghost across her face, foreheads inches from contact.
Lapis adjusted her position, moving ever so slightly away from the other gem.
"See?" she whispered, "you always pull away."
The older gem flinched, "Peridot, it isn't...it isn't you."
She took in a deep breath, "I'm just scared, okay? I, I don't know how to explain it, but I'm terrified -"
"Of what?" the way she said it, so simply, made Lapis reconsider what, in fact, made her so fearful.
"Just… I just don't want to hurt you, I don't want to be like her."
"Lapis, you aren't like her. You'll never be like her."
Seeing the absolute, complete sincerity and trust in Peridot's eyes, well, she couldn't help but lean in.
She felt alive, for the first time in centuries, she felt happy.
And that wasn't anything to be scared of.