Akatsuki Buys a Boat

I don't own Naruto or anything related to Naruto. I don't make any profits from anything I write.

"Sasooooooooriiiiiii!" Deidara called into the house with his eyes sparkling. "Sasori?" he called again. "Saosri! There you are, yeah! Quick come outside, yeah! Come outside and see what me and Itachi did this morning!" Deidara was so excited. Sasori looked less than thrilled. If Itachi and Deidara did something that morning whatever it was there was no way in hell it could be something good. "Come on, come outside Sasori, yeah. Oh my god you are going to think me and Itachi are so cool!" Deidara said leading him outside. "Okay, now close your eyes, yeah." Deidara said nearly squealing.

"I swear to god Deidara if you and Itachi have done something stupid…"

"Shhhhh! Just come with me Sasori, yeah!" Deidara grabbed Sasori's arm and led him into the driveway. "Okay….open your eyes, yeah!" Deidara said letting go of Sasori.

"Oh my freaking god what the hell have you two done!?" Sasori asked in shock.

"IT'S A BOAT, YEAH! A SAILBOAT!" Deidar screamed. Sasori said nothing at all he just started at Itachi standing right in the middle of a 23 foot sailboat.

"Check it out Sasori. Am I not made for this boat?" Itachi said flipping black hair everywhere.

"How did you….what did you….oh my….god….you not only went out and fucking bought a sailboat….but I can't help but notice that you named the boat WET DREAM, YEAH. Gee, I wonder which of you two MORONS named the boat." Sasori said about ready to kill them both.

"I DID!" Deidara said jumping up and down. "See it's a really neat way of using a sexual…" Sasori cut Deidara off.

"Shut up, just shut up. Shut the hell up! Kisame is going to kick both of your asses when he sees this! Oh my god, when Pein hears about this….you know what screw it….take that boat back to wherever the fuck you got it and I won't say anything to anyone." Sasori tried to bargain.

"Sasori, we're taking Dana and Marisol and we're going to pick out couch cushions for the cabin later." Itachi said getting off the sailboat.

"No you are most certainly not picking out any fucking cushions! You're not getting any accessories for this boat AT ALL! Get this thing out of our driveway!" Sasori demanded.

"Let me think on that Sasori…um….NO. This is OUR boat. Owning a sai;boat is hot….like us." Itachi said pointing to him and Deidara.

"YOU TWO DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO OPERATE A SAILBOAT!" Sasori screamed at them.

"Helloooooo! Sasori, I so got this book, yeah!" Deidara shoved a book in Sasori's face.

"Sailboats for Dumb Asses." Sasori read the title out loud. "Deidara there is no way you would EVER be able to understand this book. Now get this thing out of our driveway before Kisame and Zetsu get home from their Pilates class.

"No Sasori! We have a boat now! Akatsui are PROUD FUCKING BOAT OWNERS! You….are going to have to get over it." Itachi said.

"You know what, I'm not going to raise my blood pressure any more over this. You're just going to have to explain to Kisame and Zetsu why there is a damn 23 foot sailboat in our driveway." Sasori stormed off back into the house.

"Come Deidara let's get Marisol and Dana we need to decorate the boat." Itachi said excitedly jumping off the boat.

"Oh my god! I want to get those fun summer themed plates for the kitchen, yeah!" Deidara said chasing after Itachi into the house.

"Dana! Marisol! Come down here. Don't talk to Sasori though, he's being mean!" Itachi yelled up the stairs.

"Oh my god! Is the boat out there, yeah!? I so can't wait to see it!" Dana squealed running down the stairs with Marisol close behind. Once outside the girls screamed with delight at the sight of the new sailboat. "Let's go buy stuff for the inside!" Marisol said nearly ready to burst.

"I know! That's what we're going to do next, yeah!" Deidara told her. Back inside, Hidan emerged from his daily Jaashin meditation to the sound of a slamming door.

"Sasori? Was that you? Are you okay?" He asked through the door. Sasori opened the door for him.

"Have you looked outside yet?" Sasori asked.

"Seriously, no? Why…did Tobi roll around in the mulch again? Zetsu gets so mad when he does that." Hidan said.

"Oh believe me, I WISH that was the problem. Come here." Sasori led Hidan outside.

"Holy shit….that's a sailboat. Sasori seriously, do any of us even know how to operate a sailboat?" Hidan asked.

"I'm going to tell you a secret…me and Lola do. She taught me how in new England. But that is so beside the point! Itachi and Deidara did this! They ran out and bought a fucking boat and now here it is in our driveway!" Sasori said. "Come on, have a glass of whiskey with me."

"Wow…Kisame and Zetsu are going to kill them." Hidan said closing the front door on the disaster in the driveway. "Seriously, you know how much Zetsu frowns upon impromptu purchases."

"I just…I will never understand how their minds work. I realize that Deidara has no brain but Itachi is smarter than that!" Sasori said pouring a glass of whiskey. "And worst of all….Itachi, Deidara, Dana and Marisol went to get cushions and other décor for the boat. God, it's times like these I just want to leave Akatsuki for good!"

"Sersiously, how many times have you threatened to leave?" Hidan asked.

"Yeah…too many." Sasori said hoping the whiskey would calm his blood pressure.

"Let's face it. We live in a house with two designer divas, a tight ass money hording whore, an overzealous example of childish youth, a plant experiment gone horribly wrong and man who is convinced his father was a shark…oh then there's you and me and seriously we're okay." Hidan said. Sasori shook his head in agreement. Just then the front door opened revealing Konan with a bizarre look on her face.

"Okay, I understand the whiskey but please tell me whose idea the boat was." Konan said coming through the door.

"Hi Konan, come have a glass with me. I'm trying to deal with the fact that Itachi and Deidara are completely retarded. Deidara comes busting through the door all excited about a freaking boat. God, I hate my life right now." Saosri said.

"You know I'd have a glass of whiskey with you whether you were trying ot lower your blood pressure or not." Konan said reassuringly. "God, you should see Pein out there, he's just staring at it thinking what the fuck."

"I am honestly wondering if Itachi is going to die today because Kisame is sick of him pulling shit like this. Like that time he showed up with a complete new wardrobe…shit he spent $4,700 dollars in three hours!" Sasori said.

"You're right. Kisame was so pissed at him…but seriously he looked good." Hidan admitted. Sasori sighed.

"When does Itachi not look good? That's his thing. My thing is replacing Lola's Blackberry every time she hurls one across the room when her secretary or one of her partners calls and pisses her off. You're thing is Jaashin and Deidara's thing is Itachi's thing….god this whiskey must be working because that didn't sound right at all. But you knew what I meant." Sasori said.

"Konan? Are you all drinking whiskey? Is it because of the boat?" Pein asked coming through the door still shocked by the sight in the driveway.

"Yes and yes. Come one you can have a glass too." Konan said.

"Okay, before you tell me why there is a boat in the driveway I'm going to guess that it somehow involves Deidara judging by the name of the boat."Pein said.

"First, I have no fucking clue WHY the boat is in the driveway but I can tell you that it definitely involves Deidara." Sasori said.

"God, that means Dana and Marisol are going to indirectly be the ones in charge of the boat." Pein said. Unfortunately no one had thought that far ahead.

"Oh shit…..he's right…don't worry Sasori….it'll be sunk tomorrow." Hidan said trying to reassure him. Sasori's head hit the table.

"Why! Why? Why! Why? Is this god's way of punishing me?" Sasori said. Yes, leave it to captain sexiness and first mate blond bomb to mess things up!