Summary - Primeval-Twilight crossover. What will happen when the Cullens go back in time through an anomaly and end up working with the team to help fight pre-historic creatures? Stupid Emmett, and normal pairings
AN/ Please read and review! :)
Emmett POV
"Please, please, please? Alice, why are you being so boring? You love shopping!" I said, in the most whiny voice I could muster. If she didn't agree soon I was going to have to bring out the puppy dog face.
"Yes, Emmett, I do like shopping, but I like shopping for new things, not some skanky stuff that only God knows what the previous owners have done with it!"
"But it will be fun!" Alright, she forced me to it; I was bringing out the puppy dog face. I stuck out my bottom lip in a pout, starting blinking over-dramatically, and, in my opinion, looked completely cute doing it.
"Ha! You think that is going to work on Alice? She invented the puppy dog face, and no offense, but you just look gay doing it. I mean you're a six foot five, muscly vampire, yet you are pouting like a three year old!" Edward decided to get involved in our conversation; stupid, nerdy, virgin-until-he-was-over-one-hundred-years-old vampire! "Hey! Are you forgetting that I can read your mind? At least my life doesn't revolve around sex!"
"Yeah... well.... at least I'm not an annoying vampire who invades people's privacy!"
"Believe me, if I could give you and Rosalie some privacy I would," he muttered under his breath. Nice to know that it annoys you, I thought, smugly; Edward just glared at me.
"Come on, Alice. What harm could it do? Just one day gone in the whole of your existence. Please, Alice?"
"Fine, but only if you promise to make a fool out of yourself and entertain me for the whole day," Alice said, and I nodded in agreement.
"Not that he doesn't manage to do that by just acting like himself," Edward mumbled.
"Hey, I heard that!" Time for a little pay back. Hmm.... I've got it.
I know a song that will get on your nerves,
Get on your nerves,
Get on your nerves,
I know a song that will get on your nerves,
Get, get, get on your nerves...
"Emmett, please stop singing 'I know a song that will get on your nerves' in your head!"
No way Eddie-boy. He growled at my nickname for him and then lunged at me. I managed to dive out of the way just in time. Okay, okay, I'll stop it! I gave in. Okay next song.....
You're an ugly girl,
Your face makes me hurl,
Said you had it,
You should bag it,
Acne everywhere,
Unwanted facial hair,
You're a relation,
To a Frankenstein creation
"Arghh!!!" And with that Eddie-boy stormed out of the room. Ha, Emmett-one, Edward-nil.
"Okay, now that dorkward has stopped annoying us, we can leave!"
"Where are you going anyway?" Esme asked us, as we were about the leave through the front door.
"We are going to.... a CAR BOOT SALE!" I stated enthusiastically. I didn't get quite the reaction I was hoping for, as Jasper started laughing at me, Esme and Carlisle just stared at me with incredulous looks on their faces, and Rosalie just rolled her eyes and left the room. Why does no one appreciate the amazingness of car boot sales?
"I don't know what you are laughing about Jasper, you're coming with us!" Alice shouted at him. He shut up immediately and gave Alice a pleading look, but Alice is definitely not a push-over. "No, you are coming, if I have to be put through this torture session with Emmett, then you have to as well."
"But Allliiicceee, I don't want to. Surely it makes more sense that only one person have to suffer this fate; why drag another person into it unnecessarily?"
"Oh, stop being such a baby. Emmett agreed to make as big a fool out of himself as possible, so that should keep us amusement for some of the time."
"Fine, I'll go, if only to see Emmett look like an idiot."
So it was decided and within ten minutes we were at the entrance to the car boot sale. I love car boot sales! (AN. I don't, I hate them, they're so busy and just sell rubbish, but this is Emmett, and Emmett is strange, who knows what he likes?)
As soon I was out of the car I ran over to the first stand. "Alice! Alice! Look at all of this cool stuff!"
She came over to me, clearly not as enthusiastic as I was; she peered down at the stuff on the table and back up to me, giving me a sarcastic look. "Yeah, look at all of this amazing crap!" she said sarcastically, and stormed off to find Jasper.
Hmm... I guess I might want to start acting like a fool soon, or I would have to face the wrath of Alice when I get home. I called over Jasper and Alice so that they could see me make a fool of myself, grabbed a pink dress covered in flowers, and pulled it down over the top of the clothes that I was currently wearing. Already people were looking at me like I had gone mad, and I hadn't even got to the weirdest bit yet. I started whirling in circles with my hands above my head like a ballerina, only stopping once I thought I might fall over because I was getting dizzy. Then I started prancing around all the while singing:
I feel pretty,
Oh so pretty,
I feel pretty,
And witty, and gay
By the time I had sung the chorus once, people were already making sure they stayed away from me, probably thinking I had escaped from some mental institution. Meanwhile, Jasper and Alice were standing by the first stand, laughing their heads off. I decided that it really wasn't that funny anymore and walked up to the stand from which I had grabbed the dress.
I walked to the seller; "How much do you want for this dress?" I asked pulling the dress slightly away from my body to indicate which dress I was talking about.
"Umm... £10?"
"I'll take it." I handed over the money, and walked away without removing the dress, I thought it would give Jasper and Alice a bit of a laugh to see people's reactions when they see a fully grown man walking around in a pink flowery dress.
I reached Alice and Jasper, who were still trying to stop giggling. Once they had finally sobered up, we continued through the boot sale. One good thing about being a man wearing a dress is that everyone moves out of your way. I was enjoying myself quite a lot, that was until I sure it. The Devil.
I ran behind Alice for protection, but I knew if it wanted to get me it could. I just prayed that it hadn't seen me yet in this crowd. But everyone had moved away from me, it had a clear view, so I did the only thing that I could; I sacrificed myself for Jasper and Alice, after all it was my fault they were here to begin with.
"It's the Devil! It's the Devil! Alice, Jasper, run, save yourselves!" I shouted, quickly placing myself in front of both of them. I turned around but they were both still there, looking at me like I had finally gone mental. "What are you still doing here, run!" I ordered. But still they stayed there.
"What are you going on about Emmett? What's the Devil? And what are we meant to be running from?" Alice asked me, confused. How could she not see it? It was right in front of her eyes. Vampires couldn't go blind could they?
"That is the Devil!" I said pointing to it. "That is what you are meant to be running from, so go now, before it gets you like it got me before!"
Realisation dawned on theirs faces, before they started laughing so much that they ended up on the floor.
"I'm serious, it nearly had the whole of my hand, it had it trapped, the only way I escaped was by smashing it against the wall, I thought I had killed it but obviously not, because here it is, my biggest enemy!" I explained, trying to get them to be serious and listen to me.
"Em... Emmett," Jasper managed to say between his laughter. "That's - that's... a toaster."
"I don't care what it's name is, it tried to kill me, and now it has come back to finish me off!"
"Emmett, toasters are what humans use to make toast, and the only way for it to get your hand is for you to wedge it in there." Alice explained.
"Okay, yes I may have wedged my hand in it, but I didn't make it burn me!"
"You probably just turned it on."
"Oh. Okay, well the coast is clear then. We can carry on." I started walking further into the car boot sale,but not before I whispered my threats to the thing, "This is not over; I will be back to finish this later." But still making sure that I avoided the, what did Jasper call it? The... toaster. Stop worrying about it, I told myself. Just forget about it, don't let it spoil your day. It was finally put out of my mind when I spotted something that I wanted. I ran over to it and grabbed it to show Alice.
"Alice, Alice! Look at this! Isn't it just awesome," the look on her face made me continue, "For Rosalie, I mean."
"I don't know, Emmett. I don't think that Rosalie has any need for a coconut bra."
"Sure she does. Anyway, she will love anything that I get her." I assured her.
"Okay, but don't say that I didn't warn you."
After paying the stand owner, we continued to walk. "Wait, he didn't give me a bag."
"I'll just go back and ask for one," Alice offered, and started to walk away from me. I grabbed her arm before she could make it far.
"No, no, that's fine, I have a better idea." Making sure that all of the straps were in the correct places, I put on the coconut bra over the top of the pink, flowery dress, and, honestly, I thought I looked pretty damn good, well as good as a guy can look when he is wearing a dress and a coconut bra.
It wasn't long before Alice was whining again, "Emmett, I'm bored, you're not doing a very good job of entertaining me, fair enough you are wearing a pink dress, but the novelty of it has worn off and now people must think that I hang around with lunatics!"
"Fine, fine, I'll think of something, but they are still going to think that you hang around with lunatics, no matter what I do." I saw an opportunity to make a fool of myself, so I skipped over to it. Yes, I said skipped, wow I must look gay skipping in women's clothes. Oh well, it's part of the fun.
"How much do you want for this?" I asked quickly. I really, really didn't want to be on Alice's bad side. So I gave the owner the price he offered and ran over to an electric generator and plugged it in. Hmm.... what song would be good for a man to sing whilst he is wearing a dress. So I selected the song and started to sing, well rap actually.
Okay, guess who's back, back again
Shady's back, tell a friend
Now everyone report to the dance floor
To the dance floor, to the dance floor
Now everyone report to the dance floor
Alright stop, pajama time
Come here little kiddies, on my lap
Guess who's back with a brand new rap
And I don't mean rap as in a new case
Of child molestation accusates
Ah ah ah ah ah, no worries
Papa's got a brand new bag of toys
What else could I possibly do to make noise?
I've done touched on everything but little boys
That's not a stab at Michael
That's just a metaphor, I'm just psycho
I go a little bit crazy sometimes
I get a little bit out of control with my rhymes
Good God, dip, do a little slide
Bend down, touch your toes, and just glide
To the center of the dance floor
Like TP for my bung hole and it's cool if you let one go
Nobody's gonna know, who'd hear it?
Give a little poot poot, it's okay
Oops my CD just skipped
And everyone just heard you let one rip
Now I'm gonna make you dance, it's your chance
Yeah boy, shake that duck, whoops I mean girl, girl girl girl
Girl you know you're my world, alright now lose it
Ah ah ah ah ah
Just lose it
Ah ah ah ah ah
Go crazy
Ah ah ah ah ah
Oh baby
Ah ah
Oh baby
Ah ah
It's Friday and it's my day
Used to party all the way to Sunday
Maybe 'til Monday, I don't know what day
Everyday's just a holiday
Cruisin' on the freeway, feelin' kind of breezy
Let the top down and my hair blow
I don't know where I'm goin', all I know
Is when I get there someone's gonna touch my body
Excuse me miss, I don't mean to sound like a jerk
But I'm feelin' just a little stressed out from work
Would you punch me in the stomach and pull my hair?
Spit on me, maybe gouge my eyes out, yeah
Now what's ya name girl, what's ya sign?
Man you must be out yo mind
Dre, ah ah, bear goggles, blind
I'm just tryin' to unwind
Now I'm gonna make you dance, it's your chance
Yeah boy, shake that duck, whoops I mean girl, girl girl girl
Girl you know you're my world, alright now lose it
Ah ah ah ah ah
Just lose it
Ah ah ah ah ah
Go crazy
Ah ah ah ah ah
Oh baby
Ah ah
Oh baby
Ah ah
It's Tuesday and I'm locked up
I'm in jail and I don't know what happened
They say I was runnin' butt naked
Down the street screamin' "Ah ah ah ah"
Well I'm sorry, I don't remember
All I know is this much, I'm not guilty
They said, "Save it, boy we got you on tape
Yellin' at an old lady 'touch my body'"
Now this is the part where the rap breaks down
It's real intense, no one makes a sound
Everything looks like it's '8 Mile' now
The beat comes back and everybody lose themselves
Now snap back to reality, look it's B. Rabbit
Oh you signed me up to battle? I'm a grown man
Tubba tubba tubba tubba tubba tubba tuuba
I don't have any lines to go right here so tubba
Tellytubby fellas, what, fellas, what
Grab your left nut, make your right one jealous what
Black girls, white girls, skinny girls, fat girls
Tall girls, small girls, I'm callin' all girls
Everyone report to the dance floor
It's your chance for a little romance or butt squeezin'
It's the season, just go ah ah ah ah, it's so appeasin'
Now I'm gonna make you dance, it's your chance
Yeah boy, shake that duck, whoops I mean girl, girl girl girl
Girl you know you're my world, alright now lose it
Ah ah ah ah ah
Just lose it
Ah ah ah ah ah
Go crazy
Ah ah ah ah ah
Oh baby
Ah ah
Oh baby, baby
Ah ah
Touch my body, touch my body
Oh boy, just touch my body, I mean girl just touch my body
(The reason I have put a few words in bold is because these are not the real words! This is just Emmett being stupid and replacing swear words with the word duck)
Okay, I know it wasn't exactly the best idea to go up to an old lady and sing the last lines to her, but I really wasn't expecting her to freak out and start whacking me with her bag, and I really don't know how such a fragile, weak-looking old lady can deliver such a whack, I mean, I'm a vampire and it still hurt.
After I was done, I noticed there was a huge circle around me with absolutely no people in it, apparently rapping whilst wearing a dress, scares people away. I strolled back to Alice and Jasper, all the while cradling my arm. Jasper lifted his eyebrow at me.
"Are you seriously telling me that that old lady hitting you hurt? I mean she is only human, you are such a wimp!"
Well, since I have already made a fool out of myself today, I might as well push it a bit further and have a bit of fun at the same time. So in my highest, most feminine voice I said: "Why do you keep on picking on me? Why are you so horrible? I haven't done anything, so just leave me alone!" And then I pretended to dry sob, whilst peering through my fingers to see their faces. Jasper's face was priceless; he was staring at me dumbfounded, and looking a little guilty. Ha, that teaches him a lesson for making fun of me! Laughing at their faces, I managed to say: "Ha, I was only joking, you should have seen your faces though, they were hilarious!" They just glared at me in response to my trick.
I walked to the next stand, and gazed down at the stuff, there was loads of different things, but I saw something that really caught my eye. It was a little blue device, it was just small enough to fit in your hand, and it had a futuristic look about it. In other words, it looked strange, and, of course, I loved it.
After I had put my purchase into my pocket, I strolled towards Jasper and Alice, who were chatting next to a stand further on. "Hey, look at this cool thing!"
"What is it?" Alice asked, clearly unimpressed with my purchase.
"I don't know, but it looks kind of like an old game console. I'm sure I'll work it out later on, it didn't cost a lot, so even if it is rubbish then I didn't waste a lot of money. Anyway, time to continue looking stupid." So I started running around swipe at invisible flies above my head, people really did give me some weird looks for that, especially when I went up to them shouting: "Can't you see them? Can you hear that buzzing?" I then dropped to the floor and began rolling around, without halting my swiping. I really must have looked insane. I decided this wasn't really that fun anymore, so I jumped up and, smiling at everyone who was staring shouted, "They're gone! I beat them!" and then walked over to Jasper and Alice who were still laughing at me."Happy now? I really look like a freak, some people are probably already phoning local institutions asking if they have lost a patient recently."
"You don't need our help to look like a freak Em, don't worry, they haven't lost any patients lately, so they won't have you sectioned just yet."
They haven't seen anything yet, just wait until they see my grand finale....
AN/ Please review!
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