Wark Wars: The Further Adventures of PenPen
By ArchangelUK

Welcome to this Evangelion serial of short episodic type shenanigans. I do not own Evangelion or PenPen despite the fact many Eva converts now apparently want a Penguin off of me for Christmas. Oh dear....

Ep 0: Dead Herrings

Far away from Tokyo-3 and in a bedroom somewhere in the UK that should really be cleaned up by now, a tired twenty-one year old student sat at his computer rubbing the encrusted sleep out of his bloodshot eyes. On the screen was an html document that he had hoped not to have to touch again, stroking his Kaji-esque stubble for a second he was about to launch into his work when a 'ding-dong' noise alerted him to the fact that he was calling. Twisting around in his leather chair, a replacement for the third-hand red cotton one that got destroyed at the beginning of another story of his the student pressed a large red button concealed in his armpit and a big television screen emerged from somewhere under his beltline.

Flickering into life a penguin appeared on the screen, the writer spoke. "Yes Pen-Pen, what can I do for you?"

"It's Wark Wars." The penguin said matter-of-factly, "You haven't updated it in ages!"

ArchangelUK sighed sadly, "It's fanfictiondotnet. They've had one of their annual hissy fits and decided that all stories like Wark Wars that use a script like system are illegal and it and their authors must be burned at the stake." He waived a hand dismissively, "Or something to that effect."

"So? Get on and rewrite it!"

"I am!" AAUK growled, "Haven't you noticed every time you do something it magically appears on this page?"

"What?" Pen-Pen blinked.

"YOU SEE! You blinked and it appeared on the page as 'PenPen blinked', thus I shall finish my explanation." The author explained, then looked at the beginning of this line. "Mmm, nice - if slightly predictable."

"Will it take a long time to rewrite this story then?" PenPen asked, his tone betraying his impatience.

"Well, I can't exactly write episode nine until I redo all these so yes I'm afraid so."

PenPen pouted, a feat in itself. "Very well I'll leave you be, but you get the first one out quick you hear?"

AAUK bowed sarcastically, "Yes my master."

"One of these days ArchangelUK! One of these days!"

And so it all begins... again.

Ep 1: A Fish Called Asuka (v2.0)

Deep in the frozen caverns of a metal fridge a battle of wits unlike any other is taking place, in the red corner... despite the fact it was actually green was Pen Pen, alias Pen-Pen, aka PenPen, alias Pen2, alias Pen2, alias Julie (only on weekends). In the blue corner (also green) was his archenemy, the dreaded scourge of all self respecting penguin kind - his nemesis.

It was the Mr Hyde to his Dr Jekyll.

The Moriarty to his Sherlock Holmes.

The Gendo Ikari to his Sailor Moon.

Okay so the last one he made up, and besides Sailor Moon was much more terrifying.

His neferious foe had foiled his plans every single day of his existence; this one would be unlike the others though. Mainly because PenPen would succeed where he'd previously failed - he would open the bloody sardine can.

A can of beer? No problem, the retractable claws in his flippers would be able to either punch through the top or flip up the tab to push into the can top. But could PenPen get his rubbery flippers to be able to twist the key and open a can of his beloved small fish? Hell no.

Observing the can in the glimmering fluorescent light of his fridge and the second hand lava lamp he had bought on E-Bay using Misato's credit card when she wasn't looking. Our hero strokes his chin, which by the laws of Penguin anatomy meant stroking the bottom half of his beak.

"So, you still refuse to co-operate..." PenPen sneered, his new metal toecapped boots - also from the popular internet site - clicked against the fridge floor as he paced

"...." Was the reply from the sardine can.

"Your silence only serves to prove you know the answer!"

PenPen turned his lava lamp to face the sardine can so it was 'blinded' by the light, he began to half waddle half pace up and down. PenPen put on his 'interrogation' hat, a short yet wide brimmed black investigators hat and put on his best German accent.

"Ve have vayz of making you talk." PenPen slathered, penguin spittle peppering the sardine can's face then folded his flippers to give himself an arrogant yet confident appearance infront of the prisoner. "Ve know you have family along ze eastern seaboard, should you refuse to co-operate I vill place a phone call to ze nearest shipping fleet and direct them to ze appropriate co-ordinates."

PenPen threw a piece of paper with the relevant global position in front of the can which took absolutely no notice of the beaked one.

"ANSWER ZE QUESTIONS!" PenPen backhanded (flippered?) the can off the small table and it skidded to a halt by the door. He sighed and waddled over, picked it up and thought for a moment before screaming a war cry and began punching and kicking the top.

"OPEN UP! Come on, pleeeeeeeeeeeeease!"

Unyielding the can stood (or rather leant) firm, PenPen began to sob. He was so hungry, if he could only do this he'd be entirely self-sufficient and wouldn't have to rely on Shinji to make him breakfast. He would be able to eat when he wanted, unhindered and free from the presence of a first beer driven Misato squatting on a table eating a slice of toast with no hands. He shuddered and opened his door.

Shinji smiled at him, a warm smile that made him feel slightly better. "Hey PenPen."

"Hey PenPen come 'ere!" Misato patted the space next to her. She was drunk.

Again.

PenPen declined the offer, giving the reply (in Pengish naturally) "No, I'd sooner go and call Asuka an uptight ginger nutcase and proceed to regurgitate food in her shoe."

PenPen thought this was a good idea, brought out his diary and scribbled it down for 1:00 AM Thursday evening. Misato of course did not understand this, all she heard was 'Wark' and she somehow managed to miss him bringing out the diary.

"Ah go on." Misato slurred.

"Wark." Was the negative reply.

"Ah go on." Misato began to crawl on her hands and knees towards where she thought PenPen was, managing instead to stalk a cushion that had fallen on the floor.

"Wark."

"Ah go on."

"WARK!"

" I think he's busy just now Misato." Shinji's voice rang out from the kitchen and PenPen breathed a sigh of relief.

Praise be for Shinji Ikari, PenPen thought then waddled into the kitchen just as the boy was tackled by Misato who now thought he was PenPen. Shinji yelped as Misato squeezed the dickens out of him then proceeded to try and force beer into his "slightly off colour" beak.

PenPen glowered at his fridge and the bounty that lay within, I will find a way to open you sardine can, I promise you. I will not fail this time - yet I've tried everything in the house. There must be some way of opening this?

Then it struck him.

Asuka.

No, it wasn't the fact he hadn't tried anything in Asuka's room, he already had, you see he wasn't looking where he was going and was literally struck when Asuka walked out of the bathroom and tripped over the penguin.

"Wark!"

"Ahh!" Asuka shrieked, landing hard on her backside and momentarily losing her towel.

"Oww."

"Schiess!" Asuka scrambled for the renegade cotton towel to cover her modesty, ironic seeming as she actually had so very little modesty.

Shinji struggling in the next room with the blotto Misato cried out, "Hey are you okay in there Asuka?"

"Of course i'm not you IDIOT!" Shinji wasn't in much better shape, now Misato had a vice like grip around his neck and was tickling him under the chin.

"Do you need any help?" The unasked question being 'please would you help ME'.

"I don't the help of a stooge like you!"

Shinji used all his very little strength to keep Misato from skewering his nose with a ring tab. "Are you sure, I could come in there and-"

"-NO!" Asuka flushed slightly, readjusted her towel and glared at PenPen.

"Stupid bird. Why don't you look where you're... Shinji?"

"Yeah?" Came a falsetto reply, what was happening now you really don't want to know.

Asuka looked PenPen up and down and blinked hard, "Shinji, why is PenPen wearing a hat?"

"He's what?"

"Wearing a hat." She frowned, "And metal toe-capped boots."

PenPen's eyes grew wide in panic, "Uh-oh."

Shinji despite his own problems snorted, "Yeah right... You're just kidding me aren't you?"

"I wish I was."

PenPen turned around a thumped a flippery fist into his other open flipper. "Curses, they found out about my hat. Oh no bother, I might as well ask her as she's here." He turned back and looked up at the redhead. "Hey Asuka, do you have any idea how I might be able to open up a sardine can?"

Asuka scowled, "Stop flapping your wings at me you stupid penguin, I need to get dressed."

"I asked you a question!"

"WHAT?!"

"I need something to open this can!"

Asuka growled at him, "Oh, wark wark wark yourself!"

"WHAT? My mother was a saint!" PenPen launched himself at Asuka and started to viciously peck her ankle.

"Aggghhhhh! I'm under attack!"

In the kitchen Shinji now in a headlock from Misato tried to move towards the cry, "Asuka?"

Misato tightened her grip, "Now PennyPen Pen Pen shh." She put a finger over Shinji's mouth clumsily. "Your mishing the soup opera."

"Soup opera?"

"I said ssssssssssssssssh!"

Asuka screamed, "Ah! PenPen's attacking me!"

"Bitch take it back!" PenPen pecked relentlessly.

"OW!"

"Bad PenPen... baaaaad." Misato chastised, drooled over Shinji and hits him in the side of the head.

"OW!" Shinji echoed Asuka.

After another minute or so struggling PenPen was booted into the living room by the foot of an enraged Asuka who had to be held back by a bruised and mentally scarred Shinji. The penguin bounced off the sofa, slid along the table knocking bottles over and scooted off into the open door of his fridgesque home.

PenPen (upside down) rubbed his beak, "Damn it, the sardine can wait. I've got a new task for tomorrow; Asuka Langley Sohryu will learn to understand my insults. I will create a device that will allow them to understand me! Mwah ha ha!"

Our hero gets out his personal architects sloping desk, puts on an artists visor and begins to draw out his plans for his invention - the Universal Penguin Translator!

TBC

Will PenPen succeed? Find out in the next episode of Wark Wars!

ArchangelUK 0:o)
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