Naruke: HAI GUYS am I doing it right?
Karuke: Yes, you're doing it fine. Now please lower your voice, I can't think naughty yaoi thoughts with you making such a ruckus.
Naruke: Psha, I'm sure you could think about yaoi thoughts if some one else is making a ruckus.. wink wink nudge nudge know what I mean say no more.
Karuke: …… You strange, silly person. And yes, I could, but that's because they'd be making me think yaoi thoughts. Not like that's hard to do. Anyway. So we're here with this new fic installment from the Chaos Twins called:
Naruke: dun dun dun DUN!!!
Karuke: The Grand Great Excelent Adventures of Naruke and KAruke in Playing Kingdom Hearts 2! Also known as Yaoi Hearts 2!
Naruke: We were going to call it "Surprise Butt Secks"
Karuke: But if any young children are reading, we don't want them to get the wrong impression. Know what I mean?
Naruke: It's called Yaoi Hearts. I think--but—what--Butt Secks is better than Yaoi Hearts.
Karuke: I'm just trying to put forth a sort of family-friendly air. I mean, yeah, this will be so cracky and smutty even we won't understand half of it, but still…
Naruke: YAOI. HEARTS.
Karuke: Fine, whatever. We weren't trying to make it kid friendly. You bit----bitter? You bitter person. .
Naruke: Riiiight. BITTER. We'll go with that.
Karuke: Let's just start the story, eh?
Naruke: Right-o! This is a Kingdom Hearts parody with crack sprinkled on top and a side of sugar. (Karuke : In crack we don't mean the drug we mean like craziness) There is yaoi if you didn't get the first million warnings. Have fun reading this and I hope your brain doesn't fall out.

The Grand Great Excellent Adventures of Naruke and Karuke in Playing Kingdom Hearts 2! Also known as Yaoi Hearts 2!

Note: We really do like the Kingdom Hearts Series. That's why we do this. You know the saying, you always hurt the ones you love? Well, we don't just hurt them, we break their brains.

PROLOGUE

Sora stood at some random crossroads, bathed in moonlight, thinking wistfully of his one true love, Riku. He was also trying to ignore the suspicious sounds coming from the bushes where his two missing companions were supposed to be. He was hoping they were being eaten by a groundhog or something equally cute and furry, then all of the sudden, words appeared around him. Giant text floated wistfully by, narrowly missing his head.

"A…a scattered dream…" he mumbled, trying to read them as they sailed past and swirled around nonsensically. "A scattered dream….that's like a far off…memory? What the hell is this?"

The words disappeared, and Sora began to think that maybe he should be going to bed, strange bush noises be damned when MORE words appeared. "A far off memory that's like a scattered dream," he read, staring up at the cloud under which the golden shiny letters were positioning themselves. "Okay, seriously, what the hell is going on?"

They disappeared, and a third set of equally golden, shiny, completely random words took their place. "I want to line the pieces up. Yours—what, mine?—and mine—yours? Wait, I'm so confused." And then, for no reason, his world faded to black. He just assumed that he probably had passed out from the drugs Donald had forced on him earlier, claiming that they were medicinal. Magical. Some M-word like that.

After the whole blackness-thing. He was watching Kairi, sitting on the beach near the ocean. His world then flashed—yes, flashed—and he was suddenly right next to her. Sora was juuuuust slightly confused. It was like he was a director of some cheesy flashback video game intro. Suddenly he was focused on a shell that didn't look like any normal seashell, watching as a wave came up, barely passed over it, and made it disappear. Magic. Sora was frightened by the magical wave from hell and hoped never to go near the water again. However, he was magically transported to that island-tree-paopu-thing-place from his old home land, Destiny Island. Without a clue as to why it was happening, Kairi, on his right, turned into small dust-like particles and blew away. More magic! Sora was now afraid of the wind, too. For, as this thought occurred to him, Riku also turned into dust and blew away. With a thought to hiding behind the tree, Sora jumped down and the world blew away around him.

What the hell.

Then, after another bright white flashing thing, Sora found himself at Radia---sorry, no spoilers (we haven't locked it yet [er, we mean…yeah, forget you saw this) Hollow Bastion, keyblade in hand, Donald and Goofy at his side. For no apparent reason, he charged up the platforms that were suddenly a lot closer than he remembered, and he remembered, he had loved his glide ability when he reached this world, and began beating up some heartless that were just chilling there doing nothing (a small group of them were having a very nice tea party, with some darling little pineapple-shaped cookies, before Sora came in and pillaged their home and raped their women) (He didn't actually rape the women, he's gay. He doesn't swing that way). And then he was magically inside the castle, and Kairi was dead again.

What the hell.

And then, Riku was there, being emo like he often was. Sora, who was on the ground tying to cause Kairi to have a seizure by shaking her too much (maybe actually wanted to snap her neck, we aren't entirely sure) looked up, and magically he was standing. The World did some more flashy things between him and Riku and Hollow Bastion and Destiny Island. When it finally settled, he found himself charging, keyblade in hand, at Riku. They fought for a second, then Riku leapt away, did some fancy special effects tricks, and turned into Xenoho---ANSEM. Right. He turned into ANSEM. There was a charge, some faulty credit involved, and Sora did some attacking at ANSEM. There was a door, some light, a flashback of Riku speaking but he couldn't hear over the strange music, and then he was LOSING HIS HEART.

What the hell.

Then he was turning into pyreflies—sparkles, to those of you who never played Final Fantasy X—and hugging Kairi. Who was still dead. What the hell. Then he was back on Destiny Island, watching Kairi watch the deadly Sea of Disappearing Shells. What the hell, wasn't he just losing his heart? Okay, whatever. Day turned to night in the span of two seconds, and it began to snow radioactive sparkles. Suddenly he was on some chunk of land that was floating away into a big blue-black vortex of doom. He tried to yell help to Kairi, but she just kind of stood there staring. She probably didn't hear him over the crazy lady singing.

Kairi did the dust thing, and suddenly she was older and damn she was HOT. If you went for the lolitas, that is. And, you know, if Sora wasn't gay. Suddenly Kairi was saying something in some strange language and he saw some other chick's mouth saying the same thing, and then he was behind Kairi again. What the hell. There were some nifty transition effects and suddenly he was in some chick's room. Obviously, she really liked the color white, and Sora's motion sickness from the strange movements was about to paint it differently.

She was drawing something, it looked like a deformed double helix, but Sora couldn't tell really, because he was too busy running up some stairs right then. There were some heartless (who were looking to settle the score behind the tea party incident you will recall from earlier) and Sora beat them up. Again. Donald showed that he wasn't entirely useless (though he is pretty darn useless) and there, ahead of them, were two strange people in black assassin cloaks (they were really bad Assassin's Creed cosplayers, actually) and Sora tried to duck behind Donald and Goofy (they're only really good as meat shields anyway) but he was REJECTED and the world shifted to some really long white hall. There was a chick—wait, no, intelligence informs us now that it's actually a guy (could have fooled us)—with some sort of gay scythe and Sora fought him for no real reason. Then he was watching Riku fighting ANSEM, but wait, no, he was fighting girly-man again. So there was some more flashing between the two fights (both of which were totally on beat with the song the crazy lady was singing) and then he was running up the stairs again. He was actually chasing Riku, but that got kind of hard because the stairs turned into some sick sort of Escher imitation (or a labrynth, if you don't know who M. C. Escher is. If you don't, go google him. Seriously. Freak.).

What the hell.

So after some really dizzy running in circles, Sora found himself opening a pair of doors into the strange chick's white room. She looked up at him from that accursed sketch book and then some sort of glass bubble grew up around him. He started doing his trapped mime impression, but she was not impressed and put him to sleep with some more words of that strange language. He did this strange dropping/flying thing because the bubble (and the world around it) disappeared. Ooookay then. So he was flying through white space and it magically shattered around him (no, the shards were not dangerous, what kind of OSHA regulations do you think we follow here? And if you don't know what OSHA is, look it up. Or get a job. You'll understand.)

He was flying some more. But then, he saw the white chick with some discolored picture of him close that accursed sketch book and then he was lying on the beach of Destiny Island (he was really starting to hate that place), holding hands with Kairi and Riku. He assumed they were all dead. He was totally okay with that, because it meant that these strange hallucinations were over.

But then the world did the particle-blowing-away-thing, and Sora distinctly remembered Destiny Island blowing away before. Instead of him doing some trippy flashing effects, Roxassssome blonde kid was sinking. Like a rock. Like a really fast-sinking rock. Bricks would float compared to his rate of sinking. Flipping over, Roxaaaathat kid landed on some platform type thing and looked around really freaking confusedly. One of the many reasons being that he could breathe under water.

What the hell.

Well, the truth is, that he is actually a genetic mutant. He has gills on his ba---oh my god flying birds what the hell are they doing underwater? Where did they come from? Apparently he was stepping on them. They flew off (under water, somehow) and left him alone on the platform. So very alone.

Ro—the kid wanted to cry.

Totally unrelated (cough) to Sora's drug trip and that really strange kid who looked nothing like Sora (plot deviiiice), there was this place. It looked kind of like Halloween Town (remember this place, for you will not see it again until the VERY END. Wait, I mean forget this part. Crud). Only not. There was some moon-looking thing on the horizon and some pretty looking water.

The assassin's creed cosplayers were magically there and the one on the right (who had apparently been there all along) started talking in this deep, almost-sexy voice.

"I've been to see him."

The other cosplayer didn't seem able to speak.

"He looks just like you."

Wait, we lied. The other cosplayer can speak, he just doesn't actually have a voice.

What the hell

"Who are you?" he asked. Without a voice.

"I'm what's left," almost-sexy-voice-man replied. "Or…maybe I'm all there ever was."

"I meant your name." Man-without-a-voice said. That would be his Indian name. Man-without-voice.

"My name is of no importance. What about you? Do you remember your true name?"

Man-without-voice replied, "My true name…is…"

-End-
NOTE FROM THE AUTHORS.
Karuke: So, like we said earlier, we really do love kingdom hearts, and we know that we are so politically incorrect we make bigots look polite and caring, but you know what? We're doing it to make you laugh.
Naruke: We do it for the lolz.
Karuke: Yeah. So, I mean, as you can see, we're leaving gaping holes here. Honestly, it's best if you have played the game before you read the rest.
Naruke: Oh yeah, it's actually better to play the game to get some of the jokes we made in the prologue.
Karuke: The first game is a must, even if you haven't played 2 yet. Anyway.
Naruke: And...and if you haven't played the games, why the hell are you here?
Karuke: We don't actually care, to be honest. Flame us, they make us giggle. So here we go. Our first crack fic. Part 1 to come eventually, as we have limited free time.
Naruke: Part 1 of many, many chapters.
Karuke: How many worlds are there?
Naruke: Um. I don't remember off the top of my head, but some you have to visit twice.
Karuke: ...
Naruke: ...
Karuke: Right. So it's a lot. Anyway, please review if it made you laugh. Please flame if it offended you. Just leave us some feedback and you'll make all our cracky jokes totally worth it.
Naruke: And remember:
Both: LOVE AND PEACE! (peace sign)

Random Story Fact: The phrase "What the hell" was said 12 times in this chapter. We think it will be a running joke, the way "I have a bad feeling about this" is a joke in Star Wars.