The Restless Ghost

"Get off my property you rapscallion!"

What the hell had I gotten myself into? Standing in the swamp, being berated by a priest was not my idea of a good time. But Father Aereck assured me that Father Urheny would be able to help me in my quest.

"I'm Dr. Awesome, Father. Father Aereck sent me. He said you could help us."

"Ahhh. Well if Thomas sent you, then I guess I can be of assistance." Father Urheny motioned for me to enter his disheveled hovel. It reeked of dead frog and rat feces. I had no idea that a vow of poverty would stink so bad. "What seems to be the problem, my boy?"

Anxious to exit this fetid nightmare, I wasted no time. "Got some angry ghosts in the graveyard father. Need something to help exorcise the demons, but I don't know how to understand them. Just sounds like groaning to me."

"I have just the item you need, son – the Ghostspeak Amulet. It was given to me by a wonderful wizard named Zondor the-"

"Hey Padre, no offence, but I got some ghosts that need bustin'," I said as I snatched the amulet from his bony grasp.

"You impertinent knave! How dare you be so insolent!"

"Dude, take it easy. I'm just trying to complete this quest so I can pass my online PLS class. It's nothing personal."

"On line? You're manner of speech is odd. Be gone from my premises. This is the last time that I do a favor for Father Aereck!"

"Whatevs bro." I hurried to the crypt in the south of Lumbridge to see if the amulet would work. I sure hoped so because if there were any other steps to this quest, I was going to freak out.

I entered the crypt and opened the coffin.

"Who dares to rouse me from eternal rest?"

"They call me Dr. Awesome, Bones. You got a name?"

"Y-You can understand me? No one has been able to understand me since my untimely demise. I am Sir Arthur the Gentle."

"Listen up Artie. You're really starting to piss off the townspeople with your whining. What's the deal, bro?"

"Pardon?"

"What's with your constant puling man? The people of Lumbridge are starting to get fed up with it."

"Well Mr. Awesome – "

"It's Doctor. Doctor Awesome."

"Sorry. Well, DOCTOR Awesome, you see, I was decapitated in a most tragic mining accident, and buried without my head. It is a most ignoble burial. Is there any way that you can be of assistance to this old soul?"

"Ugh, as long as it helps me get an A in my Simulations class. I mean, I'd be honored to be of your service, or something like that. Where's the mining site where you lost your melon, Bones?"

"Just south of here."

"And you promise to shut the hell up if I get it for you, right? I don't wanna get your skull, bring it back, and then find out that you also want a few nudie mags or a twelve pack of Schlitz. Just the skull, right?"

"New dee mags? I don't know of whence you speak. I can assure you though, if you retrieve my head, it will be most worth your while."

"Alright dude. Hang tight, and try not to make too much noise." I exited the crypt and headed down to the mining site. I had no idea how the hell I was going to find his skull once I got there. I was going to be like searching for a specific piece of hay in a hay stack (which is much harder than finding a needle in a haystack). The area was barren, save for a large boulder located right off the coast.

"That rock seems out of place. Let me check that out." I ran to the rocks and was rewarded for my sweet observational skills. "Son of a bitch! Bones' skull. How did they leave this behind? I mean, it's a pretty obvious spot." I was thrilled to end my quest so easily, when out of nowhere another bag of bones started attacking me.

"What the frig, dude? Seriously, cut the crap!"

"You shall not take that skull from my domain. I am Bonerificus, the protector of lost bones."

"Bonerificus? Really? Bonerificus. I bet the other skeletons ripped the hell out of you dude. Well, I'm Dr. Awesome bitch, and I'm about to make you flaccid." I unleashed my magic upon Boner Boy rendering him quite limp, and traveled back to the crypt with Artie's dome.

"Dr. Awesome, is that you? Have you retrieved my crown?"

"Yeah, I got ya B. Dr. Awesome always delivers. Now, you're gonna keep a lid on it, right? No more bitching and moaning."

"Yes, yes good sir. You are a wonderful warrior. I shall reward you with five ancient bones for your valor. Please take them as a sign of my gratitude."

"Sweet. Old bones. Just what I always wanted. Listen, I'm peacin' out bro. Just keep your mouth shut, alright?"

"Yes sir. You are a beacon of hope in a-"

I walked out of the crypt ignoring Bones. My quest was over. I think I'll go shear some sheep.

Sean Arresto