the fallacy of happily ever after
Author: Cath
Disclaimer: Were not mine. Are not mine. Will never be mine.
Summary: Because he's not Prince Charming and fairytale endings don't happen in real life. Tiva.
Notes: Just a short one shot because I finally have the time and I've missed writing fiction and I've missed NCIS fic. Feedback is an incentive to write more; so consider this first.
XxX
Tony's mom liked films with happy endings. She liked romantic comedies and dramas where the characters eventually get together and lived happily ever after.
She liked Disney films.
She liked the singing and the cute little forest animals and the reassurance that, despite the evil stepmothers and poisoned apples and curses, everything would work out well in the end.
In retrospect he wonders if this was because she wanted to believe that these films would be emulated in real life. That the pain of now could be endured because lurking around the corner was the perfect guy, or the scenario that changed her world, and made everything. just. right.
Back then, he was a little sceptical about the forest creatures and the fairy princesses and Prince Charming coming to save the day. Mostly because it was all a bit too... girly... for him.
It didn't stop his mom making him sit down to watch them with her.
Sometimes he wonders if he shouldn't have stopped complaining and just enjoyed them. Because despite the fact that she knew better, the films made her happy. If only for a while.
XxX
He doesn't believe in happily ever afters. Despite all the films he's watched where things work out okay in the end (and almost invariably they do) he can't help but think that that's just Hollywood.
XxX
His first experience of being a best man was for his college roommate and fellow frat brother. As far as weddings went, it was great; he scored with the seriously hot maid of honour and didn't make it more than a half hour into the disco part of the evening. His relationship with the maid of honour (and damned if he can remember her name now) lasted maybe a half hour longer. This didn't stop him reliving the story at any opportunity.
The marriage lasted marginally longer. Two years and a baby later, the wife decided that she wanted to live closer to her parents and, for some reason that he no longer recalls, this didn't fit with his frat brother's plans.
The wife eventually remarried. His friend, the last he heard – and this was some time ago – was still extolling the virtues of the single life and getting drunk most weekends.
XxX
The general consensus is that he's Gibbs, just a good few years earlier. Since Gibbs has married unsuccessfully four times, he thinks this doesn't really bode well for his own future happiness.
XxX
Only once in any of his relationships (he's charitably calling a number of them relationships when reality is that they were mere distractions) has he ever considered that a future is even a possibility. That love wasn't just something that Hollywood and trashy romance novels (under duress he might admit he's read one – maybe more – of those) and song writers made up.
He remembers how well that turned out.
Rather than consider the possibility that it was just that particular relationship that didn't stand a chance (a big clue to this might be the fact that she had no idea who he really was for quite some time) he uses this experience to write off any future chance of a romantic attachment that means more to him than just someone to dine and, less occasionally these days, bed.
Because Tony DiNozzo just doesn't fall in love. Not anymore.
XxX
There are things he won't ever admit to.
An incident with his dad's Mercedes before he was legally allowed to drive, for example.
Sleeping with his best friend's ex- (by two hours) girlfriend in college (mostly since they got back together an hour later).
Considering the chance to head up his own team at NCIS (if only for mere nanoseconds).
That he misses the closeness of his previous friendship with Ziva.
It's a possibility that he doesn't admit to these things because he's scared. He was scared about what his dad would say if he knew how the car really got trashed; if his best friend would still be his best friend if he knew the truth; that he'd have to admit why he passed up the opportunity; that he would have to confront Ziva and open a whole can of Rivkin-shaped worms that they've nearly worked past.
There are things he won't even admit to himself. The Ziva-sized hole in his heart and why the closeness with her matters so much to him. That the dreams that leave him happy involve something less like sex and something more like intimacy. And why, afterwards, when he puts a hand out and there's no one sharing his bed, the dreams leave him feeling empty.
XxX
Later, even when he admits to himself what these thoughts and feelings are, he tries to push them aside.
Because there's still this space between them that he can't seem to bridge.
And because he's not Prince Charming and he's pretty damn sure fairytale endings don't happen in real life.
XxX
It's a year after they brought Ziva home and she brings in cupcakes (coincidental, he wonders? The date is firmly marked in his head). She smiles at him, flirts with him even, helps him to gently mock (in his words) McGee, and somehow it feels like things are finally back to normal. But somehow, it doesn't quite feel enough.
Later, when no one else is around, she gives him his own special cupcake, with chocolate sprinkles and chocolate frosting and the most deliciously calorific chocolate-flavoured centre.
He shares it with her.
Because she's back and it's the best way he can show her how glad he is of that.
Later, he remembers with an idle smile how their fingers touched and the indecipherable smile she gave when he handed her half the cupcake. And then he shakes his head clear of such thoughts and gets back to work.
XxX
Somehow, at some point, things start to change.
Slowly. Definitely slowly.
He's not sure how they get into a routine, but somehow, the occasional Friday night movie turns into regular Saturday night take outs and Sunday morning coffees and Monday night trashy TV shows. Then it's Tuesday and Thursday morning runs. It happens before he's realised it, and when he finally considers that this might be something a bit more than friends, he wonders if she instigated it, or if he did.
And then he stops wondering, because finally, everything feels just right. And if he analyses it too much, he'll realise that they're heading towards dangerous territory and he can't yet reassess his belief that things never turn out well.
XxX
She instigates the first kiss.
But then, he instigated the first date (although he wasn't entirely sure if it was actually a date until she tried to kiss him), by suggesting that they actually go out. Maybe to someplace nice he knew. Where they would have to wear something slightly nicer than jeans and cargo pants (who was he kidding, of course it is a date).
It's the most non-first date he's ever been on, which only adds to the date confusion. It feels comfortable and fun and like something they've done a hundred times before and he wants to do it a hundred times again. Even if it isn't actually a date.
Later, he walks her home (because, he argues, it's on his way home, and she doesn't fight too hard against his chivalry, which is where he really should have gotten a clue) and they linger outside her building a while, just talking. And then, as he's about to actually go home, she gives him this smile that again he cannot decipher, and leans towards him. It's about that time he figures out what it means and by the time their lips collide he's more than behind the concept.
If it were a Disney movie, the cute little forest animals might have to look in the other direction, he amusedly considers when he finally regains the powers of thought.
Afterwards, he walks back to his home, practically skipping. Disney movie songs enter unbidden into his head and he curses his mother's fixation.
Later, in bed alone, reality comes back and he wonders how it can turn out well.
XxX
Time moves on, they move closer together. And it scares him, because he wonders if it brings them nearer to the eventual demise. And then what, because he's happy with the way things are and doesn't want to move to Alaska, or Greenland, or some other place that Gibbs will dream up when they can no longer all work together.
And he doesn't want this relationship to ever be over.
XxX
They lie in bed together, her head resting on his chest. She is not asleep, but he can feel the evenness of her breathing against him as she moves towards slumber and he realises that he's never before been this happy, this content. And for some reason, in that moment he makes a decision to no longer think of this relationship in terms of how it will end.
It might end. It might not (he leans ever more each day towards the possibility of it not ending and wonders if he's continuing to grow as a person). But if he at least gives it at chance of not ending, the probability increases that it won't.
Probably there aren't happily ever afters.
But maybe, just maybe, he could give it a go.
XxX
FIN