Chapter 1
A/N: Thanks to my beta plainjanedee for betaing this!
This story has been re-edited.
Over the last seventy-six days, Bella had been on a roller coaster of emotions.
November 30th 2011; that painful day would be engraved on Bella's soul until the day she left this God forsaken earth.
That was the day her world came crashing down around her. When time stopped and she became a shadow of her former self.
An abandoned and lifeless shell.
It was as if there was this unbearable, excruciating pain consuming her body. Like someone had ripped out her heart and was stabbing it repeatedly in front of her.
She couldn't function properly; her body simply refused to work.
For days she was in denial, just waiting for the phone to ring so she could hear Renee's comforting and reassuring voice on the other end.
Bella would walk around the house in a complete daze. She never knew what day it was or how long she'd been awake. Minutes turned into hours, hours turned into days, and days kept fading into weeks.
She'd keep her cell strapped to her hip at all times, hoping and praying her mother would call and tell her it was all an extremely messed up joke. But deep in the back of her mind, she knew that would never happen.
As the days and weeks past, Bella's grief slowly transformed into an unwavering anger. Anger at her mother for leaving her and vanishing from her life when she needed her the most.
Renee's passing had altered Bella's life. All of the joy and happiness had been drained from her body, and what once was colourful was now black and white. It was as if her mother's death had taken all of the light from her life and replaced it with an everlasting darkness.
She'd taken everything.
When Bella saw mothers and daughters catching up over coffee or embracing in the streets, her body would be overtaken with the feel of resentment because she knew she would never have that again. She was so lost in her anger and depression, that she'd reached the point where she just couldn't take anymore and contemplated turning to drink to block out the unbearable pain. Deep down, Bella knew she wouldn't find any answers at the bottom of a vodka or wine bottle, but there was something about that bitter, intoxicating liquid that lured her in and-if only for a very short time-eased her ache and made her forget.
Some nights she would wake at an ungodly hour, climb out the sanctuary of her bed, drag her fragile—and sometimes drunk-body out into the fresh, crisp night air, and yell at the top of her lungs, "Why!" and "She didn't deserve this!"
On those terrible nights, Jake, her husband, would be woken from what little broken sleep he'd been able to get during the last few months. His love for her was so all-encompassing, he couldn't really rest or sleep deeply knowing that she was in such pain.
Upon hearing her cries, he'd immediately leap out of bed, run out of their bedroom and down the stairs as fast as his legs would take him until he reached his grieving wife's side.
Jake wasted no time in bringing her cold, trembling body into his arms and wrapping himself around her, consoling her and trying with every fibre of his being to shield and protect her from everything that sought to hurt her.
Kissing her forehead, rubbing her shoulder affectionately and whispering in her ear over and over that he had her, and he'd die before letting anything hurt her, Jake held her while she unleashed all of her pent up pain.
Once Bella had gotten herself into a stable condition, he would attempt to ease her worries by telling her everything would be ok, and she was safe.
However, his words only turned her tears into rage.
She loved her husband with all of her heart but the anger she felt when he said that, hell, when anyone said that, would rise to the surface and cause a major explosion.
Bella would be dragged so far down into a pit of anger and fury that she would end up yelling at him that it wasn't okay, and it never would be. He didn't understand.
Nobody did.
"Don't fucking tell me it's going to be ok! It'll never be ok!" She raged, pushing and shoving at his chest.
Jake being the loyal, loving and supportive man he was took all of Bella's venom and her acid tongue and continued to hold her close because deep down inside he knew she never meant any of it.
After several heart-wrenching minutes of listening to his wife sob uncontrollably on his shoulder, Jake gently lifted her chin with his forefinger and tenderly wiped away her tears while his other hand drew soothing circles on the small of her back.
With tears of his own clogging his throat, he rasped, "Don't shut me out, Bells. Let me go through this with you; let me help," he pleaded, while silently begging her to peer up at him with the beautiful brown eyes.
As Bella slowly worked up the strength to look into her husband's tear-filled eyes, something harsh and deep jolted her back into her depressing reality.
She was using the man she loved as her verbal punching bag, and it wasn't fair. Taking out her grief and pain on the man who vowed to stand by her side no matter what wasn't the answer.
Guilt swarmed her body.
Bella knew perfectly well that if there was anyone who would understand and listen to her cries and pleas for help it would be him, having lost a parent himself.
Another strangled whimper tore from her lips as she threw her arms around her husband's neck and clung to him tightly. "I'm so sorry, Jake," she cried, "I didn't mean what I said. I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so sorry."
She knew he would always be there for her, but she felt if she opened up to him about how she felt it would somehow make it…real, and it was already real enough to her.
There were so many words left unsaid. She never even had a chance to tell Renee that she and Jake had been discussing the possibility of having a child.
The woman who had given birth to her, loved, cherished, nurtured and cared for her until the moment she took her last breath, would never have a chance to hold her own grandchild.
It was not fair.
Life was not fair.
~FY~
Weeks grew into months, and Bella slowly found herself doing better. She was bit-by-bit confiding in Jake about how she felt, and on those days he would just sit there with his arms around her letting her vent her feelings, and letting her cry on his shoulder.
There was nothing he could do but listen, and while that killed him, if all he could do was listen and hold her while she cried, he was going to listen his fucking heart out.
Jake knew from experience that when you lose a loved one, you feel the need to shut yourself away and block out the rest of the world. So he understood and sympathised with everything she'd been going through and all that she'd shared with him. Even though it ripped him apart having to watch her physically tremble from crying so much, he knew that was all part of dealing with grief.
Mourning.
Letting go.
Every night, for the first few weeks of Bella's depression, he had retreated to their backyard where he all but collapsed to the ground by their stream and fucking cried. He cried because no matter how many times he saw or heard the woman he loved shed a tear, it would still break his heart. Every fucking time.
And Christ if it didn't shatter his heart to see that those beautiful brown eyes he loved so much had lost their spark.
She'd lost so much weight from her reluctance to eat that she was starting to look anorexic. Jake had tried to get her to eat, but each time she would point blank refuse, or play with the food until it was nothing but mere mush, then push it away.
He didn't know what to do, but what he did know was that slowly—gradually-he could see the love of his life day-by-day fading away to nothing, and there was fuck all he could do to stop it.
Their mutual friends would stop by and leave flowers along with condolence cards, but Jake wasn't sure if showing her the flowers and cards would take her further into her depression. After all, it was just another reminder of her constant heartache and of what she'd lost. So instead he would let her know that people were thinking of her and if she wanted them, the option was there.
The first few times Bella ignored him, or would grunt in response, but as the time slid by she slowly allowed the flowers to be placed in their room.
Relief fucking swarmed his body at this slither of progression. Sure, he knew that she was still recovering, but slowly, gradually, his Bells was pulling herself free from the dark hole of depression. Little by little, his girl was coming back to him.
~FY~
As Bella was off work on compassionate leave, Jake was the only one earning. He hated leaving her. At one point during her depression, he'd grown so fucking petrified of leaving her, he'd asked one of her best friends to come over and keep her company.
But since she'd started getting better, he was at work every day but his mind wasn't actually there. His heart still missed a beat when the work phone rang, and he continued to find himself praying that it wasn't Bella or Forks hospital ringing to inform him they had her in their care. However, his fears would be short-lived when it turned out to be a customer calling to find out when they could collect their vehicle. And holy fuck, he couldn't have been more relieved.
When her mother died, Bella's body and mind went into a kind of hibernation. She hardly ever left the bedroom and never ventured out of the house. So when Jake came home from work he would have to clean, cook and take care of the bills. But, on one particular day, he'd returned to find the bedroom curtains drawn, the delicious aroma of spices filling the air, and the soft light of their living room lamp illuminating the lower half of the house. Hope flew through his body like a bullet from a gun.
Upon entering the house, Jake hung up his coat, removed his work boots and placed his keys in a bowl on the stand. Walking past the kitchen, he had been expecting to see his breakfast dishes from earlier still sitting in the sink waiting for him to clean them, when, in fact, he saw the exact opposite. The kitchen was spotless. Confusion spread through his entire body like wildfire, but as he continued on through their home he saw the reason for the cleanliness.
And what a breathtakingly beautiful reason it was. There, sitting on their wooden floor next to the fireplace was the most breathtakingly perfect sight he'd ever seen. His Bells.
Leaning against the doorway, Jake folded his arms over his chest and swallowed the lump of emotion that'd built in the back of his throat. He was beyond fucking relieved because this was the first time in almost three months that Bella had been downstairs when he returned home. Sweeping his misty gaze over her bony and fragile figure, his heart swelled with love as he watched the flames from the fireplace reflect on her face.
God, she looked fucking beautiful.
As he stepped closer, he could see those same flames from the fire dancing in her eyes as she stared into the fireplace intensely.
Gingerly and cautiously, Jake crept toward her, trying his best to be quiet and not disturb her deep train of thought. He quietly sat down beside her on the floor bringing his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them so he could sit there with her and just enjoy being in her presence.
He watched contentedly as her body swayed involuntarily and her chest rose and fell from her steady breathing. He couldn't stop the smile that bloomed across his face even if he tried. Jake had missed this so fucking much. He knew she was still hurting and in some ways always would, but this was substantial progress and he couldn't have been more proud of her.
As he lovingly gazed over at his gorgeous sweetheart, Jake saw something in her eyes that he hadn't seen for a while: life.
Reaching over, he tenderly linked his pinkie finger with hers, and a warmth so fierce surrounded his heart when she returned the gesture.
A silent tear fell from his eyes at the sensational touch of her hand. Closing his eyes, he sent a mental thank you to whatever spirits were watching over them, before revelling in the much needed warmth of his wife.
~FY~
A week or so later, Bella still wasn't quite right.
She was still suffering unbelievable amounts of pain, but with every passing day, and with her rock of a husband by her side, she was managing to resume her life.
It was always worse when she was at work surrounded by children and their parents. Seeing the children's faces light up when they saw their mom or dad in the audience of their play or waving to them before they entered the school building. They looked so happy , it damn near took her screaming back to square one.
But she wouldn't allow herself to live her life like this any longer. She deserved better—Jake deserved better.
Bella was ready to accept that her mother was gone to a better place where she could rest easy. She was no longer suffering and she'd finally found her peace.
~FY~
Jake watched his wife with pride as she eased back into normality. There were times when she'd slip back into the darkness, but it didn't take long for her to pull herself back out. He knew his wife wasn't quite ready to be around their friends, but she was getting there and that was all that mattered to him. But their battle wasn't over yet. Their hardest test was yet to come.
Valentine's Day-Renee's birthday.