SOLILOQUY
DISCLAIMER: I don't own these characters, nor do I claim to. Please don't sue me, I'm only borrowing them and I have no money.
I'm trying to talk to him again. I don't know why I bother. It's not really worth the effort. I guess I just like being near him and having him for myself. It's not often I get to be alone with him. And even then we're not really alone, not all of the time.
I wonder if he even realises that he's haunted. Not in a haunted house kind of way. But there are ghosts in his eyes and the way he talks and the way he moves. The memories of a million atrocities, some of his own doing. Some are the atrocities done to him. I don't want him to be haunted any more.
It's not easy being the bonded mate of a serial killer who has turned over a new leaf. I know that's surprising. I, stupidly, kind of expected smooth sailing after we finally got together. Silly me. The differences which attract me to him also separate us. Only a little bit. But it's still hard.
I love that he's so strong. I can feel it whenever he's near me and it makes me feel safe and secure. I have one of the strongest people in the universe looking out for me. At night, when he comes back from training I sometimes give him massages to calm him. I love massaging his back and shoulders and chest. He does that rumbling thing in his chest, kind of like a cat purring. And I have strength over him then.
But sometimes it's hard. I'm not strong like him, not physically. And mental strength will only do so much. Sometimes, and I'm loath to admit it, but sometimes brute strength is what's required. And Vegeta has that in spades. And I can't help him there. I can't fight beside him. I just stand on the sidelines and hope for the best. I pray and pray and pray to Kami to keep him safe and with me for another day.
I'm afraid one day he'll need me and I won't be able to do anything. I'll just stand there and watch and then he'll be gone. I know that's ridiculous. Vegeta would never consciously call for help.
He isn't answering me. Not at all. Not a 'I don't want to talk about it' or a 'Leave me alone.' Nothing. That's very rude, Vegeta. So I speak a little louder, gesture a little more wildly. But I know it won't make a difference. He won't answer me, and eventually I'll stop. Our own little game.
What Vegeta doesn't realise is that he dreams. And I know that the dreams aren't happy little jaunts through some park. More likely, they're memories. And whenever he has them, I wrap my arms around him and wish for them to go away. I kiss his forehead and stroke his trembling arms and I wish for the dreams to end. Because Vegeta has had enough to deal with.
I don't want him to suffer any more.
But I don't tell him that. I know he pretends that living with me is type of hell in itself. I know he doesn't really think that. But I don't tell him I know. And I don't tell him about the dreams because he would see that as weak. As if Vegeta could ever be weak.
I've given up trying to talk to him. Instead, I stare at him. I know he finds it disconcerting. He fidgets a bit and moves more. But I won't stop until he tells me why he doesn't like me doing it. I just do it because it's a momentary sense of victory and then I kind of just like looking at him. I get caught in his eyes and that crazy hair and the shape of his mouth and…Okay if I start, I won't stop. Suffice it to say, I enjoy checking him out.
But he gets all defensive and withdrawn after a while. That's when I stop. That's when it's not fun any more. That's when I feel cruel. But when he tells me why he hates it, that's when I won't do it any more. I'll wait till he sleeps or when he isn't looking.
I just want to know why. That's all.
And it wouldn't be fair to ask me to give up checking him out completely. I mean, he's so sexy. He's different from any other guy ever. And I had almost given up hope of finding a good one. Doesn't that sound pathetic? Bulma Briefs, richest woman on the planet, gorgeous, technological genius, and I can't find a man who fills that hole. You know, that little need you get in the middle of the night where you wake up and look around. You see the guy next to you and you know deep down he's not the one. I don't have that anymore. I wake up and look around. And I see Vegeta. Unless, of course, he's still off training and then I get pissed off and wait up to have an argument with him when he gets back.
The arguments. The fights. The yelling. The screaming. I think Trunks might be scarred for life. But I love them too. Handy hint for the ladies: find a guy who can work you up that much and you have got some great sexual tension in the works. Makes for fabulous sex. Although, I am sleeping with a Saiyjin so make some allowances for the human boys.
He's getting that look in his eyes. So I stop staring and lay down on his chest instead. I can hear his heartbeat and I can feel it when he breathes. These are the moments I'm content. I'm not passionate or screaming or out of my head in fury. I'm happy and I've got Vegeta with me. I hope he's as happy as I am. I think he might be. But he'd never tell me.
That's okay, Vegeta. I already know.
When I was young and I first met Goku and we had our first adventure, I was going to wish for a boyfriend. Or a lifetime supply of strawberries, and I'm thinking that if I can get my hands on the dragonballs I might still wish for that. I love strawberries. Oh sorry, Bulma's gone off topic again.
Anyway, I was going to wish for a boyfriend. That sounds pretty pathetic too. I wanted the handsome prince from all the fairy tales too come and sweep me off my feet. Carry me off into the sunset and all that crap. But someone neglected to tell me about the real fairy tales, the original ones. Where there was cannibalism and murder and death. Somehow, those stories just don't paint quite such a pretty picture.
But back then, things were pretty simple. I was going to help Goku and then I hooked up with Yamcha. Yamcha the desert bandit. It has quite the ring to it. And when we hooked up, I was happy. I didn't need the dragonballs, I had Yamcha. I had my boyfriend, my prince. The lifetime supply of strawberries could wait. And we were happy. For a while.
I don't know when we were just friends after that. It just wasn't meant to be for Yamcha and I. Maybe Vegeta and I were destined to be together. Maybe it's fate,maybe…….I am the most sappy, romantic person in the world. But then I have to make up for what Vegeta lacks.
I wonder if I could read his palm.
I pick up his hand and run my fingers over the heart line, fate line and all the others. It doesn't make any sense. After a while I just look at his fingers. They're masculine and hard and probably have more muscles in one finger than my entire body. But while I hold Vegeta's hand in my own, they look fragile and breakable. They aren't symbols of strength, they are just Vegeta's hands. He lets me run my fingers through his and I love him for it. He doesn't need to be strong or brave or a fighter here. He can just be Vegeta. He can be my mate, with his hand entwined in mine.
I hope he knows that.
Like I said before, it's not easy being the weak one. Chichi understands. She knows more than me. She has her husband and her son out fighting. I suppose Trunks will be like that as well. It's okay, I still have time before he grows up. Before he wants to fight. I know Vegeta will teach him. I know Trunks will look up to him. Trunks will be strong like his father but smart like me. Ooooh, low blow from Bulma. I didn't mean that, Vegeta is smart. He's really clever and very good at coming up with cunning plans. Kind of opposite to Goku who is really a hit 'em on the head till they stop moving kind of guy.
No offence to Goku either. I mean, I love the guy to pieces. He can just be a little dense sometimes. But he's not as stupid as some people make out. He's smart when it comes to important things. He knows what to do in crisis situations and he does it. I think that's pretty smart.
Now, I don't play with his hand any more. I just hold it in mine. It's nice to be able to do that. Sometimes Vegeta will shake my hand out of his. He'll stalk off and do his funky training thing which inevitably involves me repairing droids and some part of his body. I guess we all need our alone time. I guess he needs to feel like he doesn't really need me. Like it wouldn't matter if I was gone. It doesn't bother me.
Because I know.
I know he needs me. I know that he loves me. I know he enjoys holding my hand and doing nothing else. I know it would hurt him if I was gone. I know he would care.
I hope he knows I feel the same way.
Our relationship is based on the things we don't tell each other. I don't tell Vegeta that I know the things about him he wants to hide. He doesn't tell me he loves me. I don't tell him I know he has feelings. He doesn't tell me he likes having them.
I do love him. And if I could freeze a moment in time and look back and say, 'At that moment, I was happy. There was nothing wrong,' it would be this one.
But I don't tell Vegeta that.
He already knows.
This goes with 'Requiem' in a kind of opposite side of the story thing. I really like stories which show both sides as you may have noticed. I didn't intend to do this originally but I couldn't hold back.
Please review and let me know what you think. If you haven't read 'Requiem' go check it out. It's from Vegeta's point of view at the same time.