Desperation

by Frizz07

Dedicated to the one and only Kyp.

Author's Note: I just thought I'd remind you that this fic is rated M for sexual content, so if you're not into that sort of stuff, you probably shouldn't read this.

It has been known for centuries that strength is no more than how well you hide your pain. For the teacher and the student, they knew more about pain and suffering than any other. Friends and family had died in the war, giving their lives for something that they believed in, something that they wanted more than life itself. Hermione and Remus knew the feeling of pain. It haunted them, tortured them, broke them down until they were so numb that they could feel nothing more. They lost all strength, all sense of happiness and logic. It was until they could take no more that they turned to each other.

You're sick of feeling numb

You're not the only one

I'll take you by the hand

And I'll show you a world that you can understand

This life is filled with hurt

When happiness doesn't work

Trust me and take my hand

When the lights go out you will understand

Remus took Hermione's arms in his large, pale hands, pressing her against the cold stone wall of his flat. His eyes burned with fever as he rested his hands on either side of her cheeks, leaning forward and smashing his lips against her soft, plump one's. A soft moan escaped from her throat, being lost inside his mouth. The sweet sounds that exited her lips persuaded him to more forward, to keep those entrancing sounds from stopping.

Neither had ever wanted this, but the feelings that had captivated them at the time were too overpowering. They wanted, needed to feel again. He never thought she was beautiful, nor did she even think he was that bit of attractive. Her body was too small, that of a child, and his form was scraggly and aged, with the addition of many unhealed scars and bruises.

Hermione sighed deeply as Remus nipped at her neck, tracing small circles with his tongue. Her delicate hands roamed his chest, pulling at the bottom of his shirt and tugging it hastily over his head. She shuddered as his hand traveled up her own shirt, pulling it over her head in one quick motion. His hands didn't stop there, but continued to roam her body, sliding down her slender, trembling stomach and traced his fingers along the top of her jeans. He smoothed the tips of his fingers over the skin hidden under the pants, making her shudder. Hermione, biting her bottom lip until the point of nearly drawing blood, grabbed him by his waist, undoing the button of his slacks and pulling them to the floor.

Pressing her lips against his prickly neck, her fingers cupped around his erection, moving them in a slow yet rousing pace. His lips parted slightly as he sucked in a quick breath, his eyes fluttering to a close. His coarse fingers fumbled with the button of her jeans, ripping open the zipper and removing them from her slender legs. Hermione continued to rub his erection, moving her hand at a quicker pace as it grew harder in her palm. All sense of control had been lost.

Pain, without love

Pain, I can't get enough

Pain, I like it rough

'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Remus took Hermione's face in his hands, glaring deep within the eyes that once sparkled like precious jewels. His fingers smoothed over the lines of her jaw, the bridge of her nose, the dark circles under her eyes. It was strange why these two turned to each other for comfort. They had never belonged together. They were never destined by fate, brought together by the unfortunate events of the war. They were two lost souls searching for a cure to their insanity, for their obsession to feel something other than pain, and most importantly, to feel whole again.

Gazing deep into her eyes, Remus undid the clasp of her blood red bra, letting it drop soundlessly to the floor. His hands traveling south, he hooked his thumbs under the bottoms of her unembellished panties, pushing them down to her ankles. Removing his own undergarments, he pressed her back against the wall, preventing her from moving. Looking back into her eyes, he could tell that she was nervous. Hermione was never any good at hiding it. It didn't matter much to him, though. He would have his way with her and then his life would return to the hellhole that it was.

Taking her by the hips, he positioned himself at her entrance, his eyes never leaving hers. In one quick movement, he buried himself inside of her, gasping as the warmth and tightness of her body consumed him. Hermione let out a cry as he did this, her delicate hands wrapping around his shoulders, nails piercing his pale skin. Remus continued to move in and out, blocking out the weeping and the incoherent cries that came from her. He wasn't sure whether it was because he was hurting her or if it was just her way of releasing the pain that had been trapped within her. All he knew was that he would rather feel this type of pain than anything else.

Anger and agony

Are better than misery

Trust me I've got a plan

When the lights go off you will understand

It wasn't until a few minutes later that Remus pulled himself out of her, his body weakened and in need of rest. Gathering his clothing, he began to dress himself, watching out of the corner of his eye as Hermione slumped down to the floor, pulling her knees securely to her chest. She looked down at the floor, her eyes absolutely flooded with tears, ashamed of what she had done. A small, pin-sized diamond sparkled on her left hand, and it wasn't until that moment that Remus actually realized it was there. He had forgotten about Ron and their engagement.

"Hermione," he said, his voice hoarse. It had been the first time he had spoken her name since the war had ended. "Everything's going to be okay,"

Hermione dropped her head on her knees, her body racking with her tears. "I shouldn't have done this," she said, her voice so soft and small, sounding almost like a child's. "Ron is...dead ... and I'm here having sex with ... with,"

"I've lost someone, too, Hermione," he said, sighing deeply as he slumped down in his chair. "Don't think you're alone in this because you're not."

"It's just..." she lifted her head, looking into his eyes, "it wasn't supposed to happen like this. I was supposed to be happy."

Remus leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "That's why you must try to find other ways to be happy without him," he said, softly.

Hermione shook her head, wiping away the new batch of tears that filled her eyes. "I can never be happy without Ron," she said.

"Things happen for a reason, Hermione." he said, his voice quivering. "There was nothing we could've done to save them."

"There must have been something," she said, her voice raised slightly. "Someone might have known how to-"

"Hermione,"

"I-If I would've paid more attention in Potions, maybe I-"

"Hermione, listen to me,"

"How the hell can you sit there and talk to me like a child when you're feeling the same goddamn way that I am?!"

"BECAUSE I OPENED MY EYES, HERMIONE!" Remus roared, surprising himself with the ferocity of his voice. "They're dead, Hermione! They died for a reason! All of them, they all died to protect us because they loved us!" -he stopped for a moment as tears threatened to spill from his eyes- "Ron died to protect you, Hermione. He didn't want you to have to meet the same fate as he and the others faced."

"I never asked for him to protect me!" she yelled, lowering her head to the floor and placing a hand over her eyes. "I just want him back,"

Pain, without love

Pain, can't get enough

Pain, I like it rough

'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Pain, without love

Pain, can't get enough

Pain, I like it rough

'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing

Rather feel pain

Remus lowered his head as well, his eyes traveling to the red bra that lay helplessly on the floor. He wouldn't have been surprised if Ron hadn't given that to her as a gift. It wasn't like Hermione at all. Getting to his feet, he swept her clothing in his hands, dropping them at her feet.

"You could never begin to imagine how far I would go to get my love back," Remus said, moving casually over to the window. "I miss her so much these days."

Hermione quickly pulled on her clothing, feeling disgusted as she sat there on his floor, listening to him speak about his lost love. They had just been intimate together, and now, it was almost like it never even happened. Hermione shivered at the sudden atmosphere change.

"What we did was wrong, Hermione." he said, looking over his shoulder at her. "Do you understand that it wasn't an act of love? I have no feelings for you, nor do I wish to."

Hermione smiled at his sudden change of mind. "Of course I understand, Remus." she said, her voice stern. "I understand perfectly well that I'm your little whore."

Remus, surprised by what had just been said, moved towards her, grasping her by the arm. "How dare you say that!" he said, his eyes burning into hers.

"It's true, isn't it, Remus?!" she said, glaring up at him.

Glaring down at her, he said, "If you want to be considered a whore, then I'll treat you like a whore!" Taking her by the collar, he smashed his lips against hers, taking her breath away. Ripping her shirt off of her, Remus tossed it to the floor, unclasping her bra and tossing that as well. Plopping down into his chair, he pulled her down with him, wrapping her legs around his waist. Hermione let out a moan as his lips met her breast, kissing it roughly as his fingers traced small circles on her delicate skin.

Her heart quickened as his fingers slid down her jeans, slipping into her warm entrance. Grasping his hair in her palm, Hermione moved with his fingers, her breath coming out in soft pants.

"They died for a reason! All of them, they all died to protect us because they loved us!" Remus'words floated through her head as she gazed out the window, a batch of snowflakes brushing past the glass. "Ron died to protect you, Hermione. He didn't want you to have to meet the same fate as he and the others faced."

I know, I know

That you're wounded

You know, you know

That I'm here to save you

You know, you know

I'm always here for you

I know, I know

That you'll thank me later

Dropping back to reality, Hermione looked down at Remus as he kissed hungrily at her chest. This wasn't what she wanted. She didn't belong here. She belonged with Ron, not Remus. Getting off his lap, Hermione grabbed her bra and ruined shirt, moving quickly to the door before Remus had the chance to speak.

All she could do was run. She ran from all her troubles, all of her mistakes. The feeling of guilt overpowered her until the point where she felt as though she would be sick from it. Stopping a few blocks away from Remus' flat, Hermione plopped down on a snow-covered bench, a single streetlight shining down on her. It had grown dark in the time that she had spent with Remus, and now as she sat here on this frozen bench at the darkest hour of night, she felt almost content, like she were at home.

"Oh, God," she cried as her head fell in her hands, a batch of tears spilling over her eyes. "What have I done?"

"Here," Ron said as he shyly handed her a small velvet box, his hand quivering. "I want you to have this,"

Hermione didn't have to open the box to know what it was. Snapping open the lid, her eyes filled with tears as she gazed down at the small, pin-sized diamond that sparkled back at her. "Oh, Ron," she whispered, a hand covering her parted lips.

"It reminded me a lot of you," He said, smiling sweetly. "You're small, yet you're one of the most beautiful girls I've ever met,"

Wrapping her arms around his neck, Hermione smiled, her tears slipping on to his sweater. "I don't know what to say…"

"Say you'll marry me," he said, softly.

Hermione pulled away to look in his eyes. "Ron,"

"I love you, Hermione." He said. "You're the only thing I've ever loved this much,"

Taking his cheeks in her hands, Hermione placed a kiss on his forehead. "I love you, too, Ronald Weasley."

Pain, without love

Pain, can't get enough

Pain, I like it rough

'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Pain, without love

Pain, can't get enough

Pain, I like it rough

'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Rather feel pain than nothing at all

Rather feel pain.

Breathing in the cool winter air, Hermione's eyes fluttered to a close, a tear slipping from the corner of her eye. If only there had been a way to save him. She had been with him when he passed away, his voice too hoarse to speak his last words, his body too weak to hug her goodbye. Instead, she laid by his side until his beautiful emerald eyes fluttered to a close, the last bit of breath escaping from his lungs, and his body growing as cold as the atmosphere around her.

Looking up at the sky, Hermione pressed her lips together. She had experienced so much pain in the months after the war, and now, as reality smacked her in the face, she realized that Remus was right. She was never going to get anywhere if she dwelled in the past. There was nothing that she could've done to save Ron. It had simply been the game of fate, proving to her that if you truly love someone, you must let them free.

Back in his flat, Remus sat alone in his armchair, the sounds of the winter wind whipping at his windows. Tears pooled in his eyes as he gazed out his window, his mind recalling the last moments that he spent with his love. Remus had never asked Tonks to marry him, nor did he ever truly confess his love for her. Instead, he kept it bottled inside like the shy bastard that he was, waiting until she was dead to realize that he should have told her sooner. She always knew, though. She always knew that he loved her, even though he never told her. That's what he loved most about Tonks. She was a girl with not a worry in the world, a balanced head on her shoulders, and most importantly, she had an amazing heart with such love and affection for all that she cared for.

It has been said that it does not do to dwell on the past and forget to live. For Remus and Hermione, they had been so distracted with the deaths of their lovers that they forgotten to open their eyes; they had forgotten that even though a life ends, the world continues to spin. After all strength was lost, all sense of happiness and logic forgotten, after the countless hours of attempting to find comfort in hopeless areas, reality shined a beacon of light into the lost soul's faces, giving them the hope that they had lost so many months before.

Author's Note: So I've been trying to write something that's completely different than anything I've ever done, and you know, I'm actually quite proud of this fic. I adore the song, which is "Pain" by Three Days Grace. So yeah, I hope you enjoyed it! As always, don't forget to review!

Jess