The idea came to me while reading someone elses fic about Tony being left out of the team, and i just had to write this. read and enjoy, sorta.
"You're not Gibbs". Those simple little words floated through his head every night when he tried to sleep. They kept him awake, like someone playing music too loud or people having a fight in the next apartment. "You're not Gibbs" they told him, over and over. Sure, he wasn't Gibbs, but that didn't mean he couldn't lead the team and be a good boss just like he had been. A better boss, one who didn't run away and leave them without an explanation. But still, the only thing that ever stuck were those words, no words of encouragement or praise, just the same three words. "You're not Gibbs"
Tony had tried to drown out the voices with alcohol, but that never worked. He'd tried to ignore them, but then he couldn't sleep, couldn't rest. So he'd resorted to staying up all night, watching movies so that he had something to listen to other than them. And it worked; he drowned out the voices and hyped himself up on caffeine everyday so no one would know that he hadn't really slept in months. But then Gibbs came back, and not even the movies could hide the voices the screamed at him now days. They made him miserable, made him eye his standard issue gun as a good mute button. But he could never bring himself to do that, not after Kate. So he fought on against the voices, against the inadequacy he felt on a daily basis.
But all it took was one case, one case where he accidentally fell back into the routine he had when he was team leader. He'd metaphorically stepped on Gibbs' toes and he'd finally seen where his place was on the team again. He was back to being the person he'd been before, the clown who did his work and followed orders. He hated himself, hated that he'd turned down his own team to stay with a family who saw him as a loser. It was that day, the voices got too loud to ignore, too loud to drown out. He sat alone in the bathroom with the bottle of booze, trying anything to make them go away.
You're not Gibbs You're not Gibbs You're not Gibbs You're not Gibbs You're not Gibbs
"SHUT UP!" Tony shouted, smashing the bottle to the ground. The glass shattered everywhere, slicing through his hand with ease. He stared at the reddening cuts on his hand for several minutes before he realized the voices had quieted. They weren't screaming any more, more like talking. A slow smile crept to his face. He'd found a way to stop the voices. He picked up a piece of the glass on the floor and slid it down his palm, watching as the blood flowed and feeling the anger and the hurt flow out with it. The voices got quieter, now only whispers. He got up, turned the water in the bat tub to hot and let it fill up. He stripped down to a t-shirt and boxers and slid into the burning hot water. He knew someone would have to find him and as much as he enjoyed sharing all his personal details, he didn't want to be found naked and exposed like that. He took a deep breath and slowly slid the glass shard down his wrist, watching the blood spurt out where he'd pushed deep enough to nick the artery. He repeated it on the other side of the wrist and sank back into the water, basking in the quietness that surrounded him. There wasn't any Ziva shouting at him, no McGee, no Ducky and what was even better, no Abby. All he heard was the sound of the water moving around his body, he never even heard his cell phone ringing in the next room.
See, like i said, depressing. But dont worry, there are more chapters to come. Wait and see what happens to our poor sad Tony. please R&R.