It had been quiet so S.H.I.E.L.D. decided it was ok for the Avengers to have a night out. They had been a bit at loss what do when Coulson of all people had come in and announced that he needed "A fucking drink that even Fury couldn't stomach".
Tony distinctly remembered that the whole team plus associates (except Pepper and Happy who had wanted to spare themselves the humiliation) decided to hit the bars.
Tony distinctly remembered that Thor boasted with his ability to hold his liquor and Volstagg joining in, while Steve claimed that he couldn't get drunk and Tony telling them that he had more practice with drinking than all of them together.
After that everything became a bit hazy and eventually faded into nothingness
Regarding that, the fact that he had woken up in his own bathtub was remarkably good news, even though he was naked.
He found a towel to wind around his waist and slouched into the kitchen, hoping to find aspirin and coffee, an ungodly amount of coffee. What he didn't expect to find was Jane's assistant Darcy awake and cheerful in his kitchen, singing along to the radio, chirping cheerfully when she saw him.
"Morning," She grinned but since the first thing she did was putting aspirin and coffee into his hands, Tony decided to forgive her that she apparently could function like a normal human being at this hour of the morning.
That hour of the morning being 12.37 pm.
The other thing Tony didn't expect were the dozen unconscious people cluttered in the living room of the Avenger's Mansion.
At least he knew all of them, that was good news too. On the other hand some of the Avengers seemed to be missing. Steve, for example.
"So, did the Earth stop spinning for you?" Darcy asked too innocently.
"What?"
"Nothing, at least nothing I don't have on camera."
"Why are you so awake?" Tony whined. Darcy tipped against her ear.
"Sinus infection. I'm on antibiotics and couldn't drink last night." She filled his cup with coffee again. "What do you remember?"
"A bar?" Tony guessed and Darcy nodded along. "Good thing I filmed everything."
When Tony began to pad towards the living room, Darcy called after him "I really wouldn't go in there if I were you."
Looking back, he should have listened to her.
Arrows were strewn all over the room and the people in it, bright blue plastic arrows with bright yellow heads the kind that stuck to surfaces, and people's skin apparently.
Volstagg and Bruce were nearly hidden behind an insane amount of beer cans but as far as Tony could see they were still clothed. Thank god for small mercies.
Rhodey was clinging to Hogun just left of the couch and there appeared to be tear tracks on his face.
The aquarium was filled with a rainbow-coloured liquid that seemed to glow and sparkle slightly. Thank god none of the Avengers actually held any fishes in that aquarium because Tony doubted that the rainbow-coloured stuff was a viable environment for anything.
Jane, Erik and Fandral were sprawled out on said couch which made the whole thing even more mysterious. They were covered in a thick, white blanket probably a courtesy of Darcy. For a moment Tony stared fascinated at what seemed to be peanut butter on Fandral's throat but tore himself away when he heard Clint murmur behind the couch.
Clint seemed to be naked except for the toy bow in his hand and the…wings on his back?
Honest to god, actual feathery white wings that sprouted out of Clint's back, which totally distracted Tony from the fact that Clint was wrapped around Coulson who seemed to have lost his trousers and pants and had one of the toy arrows sticking to his arse.
He only looked up when he heard purring and giggling from the other side of the room. For the moment he even skipped over the sight of a naked Natasha's head between an equally naked Sif's thighs.
Therapy. He was going to need so much therapy.
Loki was naked and curled against an equally naked Thor and was practically purring in contentment. Thor had his hands buried in Loki's hair and seemed to be quite happy to passionately kiss his naked brother.
"Ugh, put some damn clothes on, would you?" Tony asked, looking away. Thor actually had the nerve to ask.
"Why?"
"Why? You're making out with your naked brother!" Tony did pointedly not notice how one of Thor's hands slid over Loki's back down between his thighs.
"Definitely more than just making out." Or how Loki licked Thor's chest after he answered Tony.
"Tony, I borrowed some of your clothes since mine are….oh." At this point Steve had wandered into the living room.
If there was one thing more distracting than Natasha and Sif being naked, Clint having wings and Thor making out with his brother then it was Steve in Tony's boxers, wearing one of Tony's too small shirts unbuttoned.
"Morning, gorgeous." Darcy trilled at him, blatantly eying Steve's chest, totally unfazed by the rest of the room (well, she did have had a good view on Loki and Thor from the kitchen and pictures to prove it).
"Hi," Steve looked a bit flustered at Darcy before turning to Tony. "I think I had sex last night. But I don't know with whom"
"I think we all had." Tony gestured around.
"Not me." Darcy objected but didn't sound as if she missed it. "Best porn of the ages, though." She waved around with her camera. "Don't worry, we'll find out who fucked you later."
/
Later turned out to be an hour later after 15 bleary eyed people had been provided by Darcy with aspirin, coffee, showers and clothes and followed her into the movie room. Clint had been de-winged by Loki
"Hey, on a scale between one and me, how good was Sif?" Tony asked Natasha.
"No comment." She said coolly.
Everyone tried to ignore Thor and Loki who didn't seem to able to stop touching each other. At least they wore clothes, for now.
Darcy linked her camera to Tony's audio-video system.
"Are you sure you want to subject them to your film?" Jarvis asked.
"Just to see their faces." Darcy grinned.
"Touché." Great, even Tony's computer sounded like he was having fun. And since when was Jarvis BFF's with Darcy anyway? He knew he should have left him in Malibu instead of bringing him over to the Avenger's mansion as well.
"Can you help me out with the quality, Jarvis?"
"Of course, Miss Lewis."
The movie opened to Darcy's face: "Hi guys, we've just been thrown out of the bar but since the Great Avengers Drinking Contest is still undecided we're heading over to the Avenger's."
"You will make your ancestors proud." Thor boomed and slapped Erik's shoulder who was half carrying a singing Fandral.
"Is that Michael Buble?" Rhodey asked disbelievingly, looking over at Fandral, who shrugged.
"He is a great bard of yours."
"If you're a chick." Clint added.
On screen breaking glass and a siren could be heard and Darcy appeared to be running when she told them "So Clint just broke into that toy store because he wanted a bow. Now we're running from the police. When you guys see this please smack him for me."
Natasha did just that.
"Hey!" Clint protested, rubbing his head.
The scene cut to the living room where Volstagg and Hulk emptied beer can after beer can even though Volstagg seemed to be a bit behind. The camera panned to Thor who was standing over the aquarium, mixing something rainbow-coloured in it, bellowing "More ice!"
"It appears we are out of ice." Jarvis informed him. There was a crashing sound and the camera panned to Rhodey who kneeled on the floor, clinging to Hogun's legs and sobbing into his knees.
"No, no, where will all the penguins live?" He asked again and again while Hogun was patting his head awkwardly.
"Wow," Tony whistled, "I don't think I've ever seen you this drunk."
Rhodey appeared to want to vanish into the couch but this was definitely not his lucky day.
"You're not one to talk, Tony," Darcy informed him.
On camera which had turned around to the middle of the living room where Tony was lying face down, arms spread out right in front of what appeared to be Steve's feet.
"Please make it stop, please make it stop spinning Steve." He begged.
"It's the earth, I think it's supposed to do that." Steve answered but he sounded dazed and unsure if he was right.
"No, no it's wrong. Please make it stop." One of Tony's hands had grabbed Steve's ankle. Suddenly Steve was hauling Tony up by his arms, making him stand which Tony was incapable of doing so he wrapped his arms around Steve's neck to stay upright. Steve laid a hand against Tony's cheek and looked at him yearningly.
"I've missed you so much Howard." He said and crushed his mouth over Tony's.
"You mistook me for my father." Tony shrieked while Steve turned very, very red and tried to copy Rhodey's couch vanishing technique but with even less success.
"I…uhmm…."
"It gets better." Darcy promised gleefully.
"I've wanted you so much, missed you so much." Steve's accented each of his statements by pressing a kiss to Tony's face and neck, "wanted to peel you free of your clothes, watch you drop to your knees…wanted to feel your beard scratch my thighs when you blow me, wanted to smear my come all over your face, marking you as mine…"Steve began to unbutton Tony's shirt. "wanted to make you dizzy and wild, wanted you to fuck me like an animal, no foreplay…nothing…just you throwing me on the bed and taking me…"Tony had somehow managed to get Steve out of his shirt as well and the distinctive sound of a belt being opened could be heard. Tony was unashamedly writhing against Steve. "I recover fast, so when you're done, all boneless and pliable, I can fuck you as well, drive you out of your mind, hear you yelling my name until you can't take it anymore…"
"Steve…"Tony moaned.
"Want me to do that to you, Howard?" Steve growled and Tony answered by kissing him ferociously.
"By the way, "Darcy paused the film for a moment just when the camera was cutting away, "for the next time the rooms here are not soundproof Captain Cock."
If Steve got any redder he would probably die from an aneurysm.
A naked Jane and a naked Erik were happily lathering an equally naked Fandral in peanut butter and licking it off him while he was still singing Michael Buble songs. Next to the couch a distraught Rhodey was still being comforted by Hogun.
Clint was wandering around with his toy bow wearing a flimsy towel around his waist and a bright, goofy grin. He was shooting people and declared loudly.
"I'm Cupid! I'm the heir of Cupid!" Suddenly wings were sprouting out of his back and he flew through the room.
"LOKI!" Thor boomed, looking up from his rainbow mix.
"Yes, brother?" Loki answered sugar sweetly, materializing out of thin air next to him.
"I MADE A BIFRÖST DRINK! DO YOU WANT ONE?" Thor offered him a whole vase of it. Loki blinked for a moment then shrugged and drank the whole vase.
He was interrupted by Coulson who seemed quite tipsy on his feet but was still impeccably dressed, however he had managed that. He laid a hand on Loki's shoulder.
"You are magnificent." He told Loki while pointing up to Clint flying and still shooting people with his arrows.
"Do you want to be part of the Avengers?" When Loki only stared at him with big eyes, Coulson assured him. "You don't need to make the decision right now." And wandered off again.
"LOKI!" Thor tugged at his brother's arm to get his attention back. "HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU THAT YOU'RE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CREATURE I'VE EVER SEEN?"
"Not lately, no."
"YOU ARE!" Thor decided. He took Loki's face in his hands. "I WILL SHOW YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU!"
Darcy paused the film again to the protest from Thor and Loki.
"Anyone who's a straight male or a lesbian female and wants to stay that way should now leave the room because there's no coming back from this."
No one moved.
"Don't say I didn't warn you." She pushed the resume button.
Thor literally ripped Loki's clothes from his body, revealing his pale, lithe body. He slid his large hands over Loki's body, teasing his nipples before gripping Loki's hips and falling to his knees, never breaking eye contact with his brother.
He took Loki in his mouth almost reverently while Loki's hands found their way into Thor's long hair. They kept looking into each other's eyes even when Thor bobbed his head up and down Loki's cock and Loki's knees shook from the effort to stay upright.
"Thor," Loki gasped softly when he came, his hands tightening in Thor's hair and Thor swallowing it all. Loki was sliding to his knees, on eyelevel with Thor now and Thor kissed him, slowly, deeply while carefully laying Loki down on the rug. Thor broke the kiss and began to drop little kisses down Loki's throat and chest until he reached his stomach. Loki spread his legs for his brother to settle between. Their hands touched and Thor's came away glistening. He dropped it between Loki's and his legs, moving upwards and there was the telltale flutter of Loki's eyelids when Thor entered him.
"Where did you get lube?" Bruce asked interested as if that was the point of the scene.
"Magic," Loki purred from where he had curled up against Thor's side with his legs thrown over Thor's lap.
"Damn," Jane said, who still had her eyes on the screen and everyone else returned their attention back to the film as well.
Thor's rhythm was shallow and slow and they still hadn't broken eye contact. It was as if they both wanted to make sure that the other knew that they knew what they were doing. As if they both had known it was bound to happen. Loki's legs were wrapped tightly around Thor's waist and his hands were still buried in Thor's hair.
Thor's thrusts slowly built up speed, became harsher, stronger, pushing Loki against the rug.
"Loki, " he groaned, burying his face in his brother's chest. Loki's fingers tightened in his hair, holding on to him, grounding him through his climax.
For a moment no one moved then Thor pulled out, lying down on his back next to Loki. It seemed for a moment as if Loki wanted to go but Thor caught his wrist and said, "Stay."
Loki hesitated for a moment but finally settled against Thor's chest.
"Incestuous porn, you're kinkier than I imagined." Clint told Darcy.
"It is love, you should like that, shouldn't you, Cupid?" She replied and everyone laughed. Well everyone safe for Clint and Coulson.
"Please tell me that this is the end of it." Rhodey said, probably fearing worse humiliation than being concerned for the world's penguin population.
"Nope, there's more but not much. My iphone doesn't have enough recording time."
"Thank fate for small mercies." Hogun muttered.
Clint appeared on the screen. He grinned happily.
"I'm Cupid." He told Darcy.
"Good for you. Brought any couples together yet?"
Yup!" He pointed in the direction of Sif and Natasha who were passionately making out against a wall while stripping each other of their clothes. Well, Darcy focused the camera at them, Clint swayed so heavily that he more or less pointed at the entire room. On the other hand maybe he actually meant the entire room because pretty much everyone and everything had a toy arrow sticking to them.
Tony turned to Natasha but she quickly shot him down with a cool "No comment."
"What about you? Found your Psyche yet?" Darcy asked teasingly. Clint waved her question off.
"Years ago."
"Really? Who is it?" She sounded a bit sceptical. Clint's lady-killer reputation was widespread through S.H.I.E.L.D.
"He's over there." Clint whispered and pointed at Coulson who stood in front of the aquarium, contemplating the rainbow coloured swirly stuff in it, either obvious or ignoring the naked and cuddling brothers right next to him. With Coulson that was hard to tell.
"Coulson, really?" Darcy laughed.
"Shh, he doesn't want to know." Clint tells her confidentially.
"He doesn't want to know?"
"He says it's unprofessional to have more than sex between us, so I don't tell him." Clint did look a little sad. Darcy must have thought so as well because she patted him on the shoulder.
"You're Cupid, you just shoot him with one of your arrows and tell him. Easy." The camera jiggled at bit when Darcy shrugged. Clint apparently thought that that was an excellent idea because he immediately walked over to Coulson while Darcy focused her camera on Sif and Natasha again, even taking a couple steps towards them but abruptly panning to the right when she heard Clint's voice.
"Got you." Clint stuck the arrow to Coulson's arms, grinning expectantly. "See, since I'm Cupid you're in love with me now, too."
"What makes you say that?" Coulson was pronouncing his words carefully as if he didn't want to appear as drunk as he was. Clint threw his arms around Coulson's neck, leaning closer until their foreheads nearly touched.
"Now you can't run. You always do. Even though I want you to stay, tonight, tomorrow and every day down the line until death do us part and all that. Don't look at me like that." Clint told him when Coulson raised an eyebrow. "I mean it. All of it. I know you have better offers than a glorified circus artist but I want you to know that I'll wait for you, for this." He laid a hand over Coulson's heart.
"I love you, too," Coulson whispered and closed the distance between them, pressing his lips to Clint's and
The screen turned black.
"Show's over." Darcy announced.
/
Thor and Loki were the first ones to vanish, quite literally. Everyone else was at least staying long enough to help with the clean-up but to be honest no one would have wanted them around since Loki and Thor were absolutely unable to keep their hands off of each other.
Volstagg was counting the empty beer cans and offered Bruce a sincere handshake for winning the drinking contest but mostly everyone worked in silence and avoided looking at anyone else.
Erik left first, citing work for Fury as the reason. Sif and the Warrior Three wanted to go next but not without Fandral offering to escort Jane to her car which she turned down. Sif on the other hand was quietly speaking with Natasha but since both women were smiling they at least seemed to be quite okay with what had happened between them last night.
"So, "Tony asked as soon as Sif was out of the door, "when you have a repeat performance can I watch?"
"No," Natasha told him simply and went to the kitchen to help Jane and Darcy with last night's glasses. Clint and Steve had taken to emptying the aquarium one bucket at the time (but only after Bruce had saved a sample to study later) while Bruce was wiping peanut butter from the couch and Tony was moping the floor after Rhodey had rolled up the rug.
In the kitchen Darcy and Jarvis could be heard singing along to their favourite songs. Tony really contemplated if he s could wipe Jarvis' memory clean of his friendship with Darcy without damaging any of the other programs that made up Jarvis' personality.
"See you around, Tony." Rhodey said before leaving as well as soon as the living room resembled a normal room again. Bruce excused himself as well to go back to bed.
Coulson told them very formally that he would contact them as needed while sounding as if he would rather ask the Fantastic Four for help than the Avengers the next time a mad scientist tried to conquer the world. Clint hesitated for a moment but ultimately followed Coulson.
That left Tony and Steve. Steve who was handsome and nice and generally the stuff fairytale princes were made of (including Tony's) and who had slept with Tony thinking he was sleeping with Tony's father.
There were times Tony hated his life.
His head pounded but he didn't want to go back to bed, not when it was likely still smelling like Steve.
"Should Coulson call I'm in the workshop." He announced as if he was speaking to more than one person and turned to go.
He should have known that it wouldn't be that easy. It was unfair, too. Thor made out with his brother and suddenly everything was alright and glowing for them.
Tony made out with his crush and best friend and everything went down the drain.
"Tony," Steve called him, "We should talk about last night."
"What's there to talk about?" Tony asked deliberately lightly. "We've been drunk, you mistook me for someone else, we had sex. These things happen."
"I'm...you look a lot like your father." Steve said quietly which was exactly what Tony hadn't wanted to hear.
"I said it's okay, Steve. No hard feelings." Ton stressed. He really didn't want to have this conversation.
"No, it's not okay. I can't believe I did this to you, to us."
They wouldn't even know if Darcy hadn't recorded everything. Tony usually liked Darcy but her little movie had just about ruined everything for him and Steve.
"Steve I can handle it. You being in love with my father and everything." Tony waved it off. The sooner he got away from Steve the better.
"I wasn't" Steve blurted, "in love with Howard I mean."
"That sounded differently last night." Great, now Steve had to have an identity crisis on top of everything.
"No, I mean I had some fantasies about him but I loved Peggy. That's why I can't believe that I said what I did last night." Steve seemed to be determined to pin Tony to the spot by looking in his eyes. Being Steve he of course succeeded.
"I've only ever been in love with two people and your father wasn't one of them." There was something in Steve's eyes that made Tony's heart beat faster, well the arc reactor pulse faster anyway. He couldn't mean what Tony was hoping he meant, could he?
"So who was the other one if it wasn't my dad?" He croaked out.
Steve was looking very shyly at him, shuffling his feet and blushing slightly. Tony suddenly wondered if Peggy Carter who by all he had read about her had been a tough English woman, had felt the same weakness in her knees when Steve had smiled at her like this.
"Oh," and if she had had more eloquence than Tony.
"Good oh or bad oh?" Steve asked.
"Fantastic oh." Tony told him decidedly and kissed Steve.
"Uhm...I know we had sex last night and everything...but since I don't remember it and you don't remember it, do you think we could take it slow?"
Right, for all that counted Steve was still a virgin and Tony could have smacked himself. The last thing he wanted was to drive Steve away.
"Sure, so, what do you think about some icecream in the park?" He asked and slipped his hand into Steve's who squeezed it as an answer.
Darcy waved at them from the kitchen and the foyer was conspicuously empty of Clint and Coulson.
/
In his office in S.H.I.E.L.D.'s headquarters Nick Fury read the text Darcy had sent him.
Mission accomplished.
Nick contemplated making her vice-president. He needed more competent personnel.
A night off, he still couldn't believe that even Coulson had believed him. But as Darcy had pointed out the man had been distracted. Now that that had been handled and Loki was no longer a threat the Avengers could put all their energies into fighting the alien invasion that would arrive in about a week.
In his office in S.H.I.E.L.D.'s headquarters Nick Fury smirked.
Mission accomplished indeed.