Does the earth exist to make me unhappy - a parody of hp stories about depression…but not depressing(
Harry awoke in the middle of the night in tears. He had just had a dream that the whole world hated him and existed to make him unhappy, then he realized ' o yea that is how my life is'. Since he was so horribly depressed he decided hey why don't I go slit my wrists. That's what I always do in these kinds of stories anyways.
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He awoke quite early that morning but found he could not get back to sleep so he went downstairs to the common room. He was surprised to see Hermione sitting there in one of the chairs by the fireplace. He was all "hey Hermione watcha doin down here?" and she was all "oh just fini---- OH MY GOD HARRY WHAT IS THAT ON YOUR WRIST?!?!?" Harry was devastated, now one of his best friends- to whom he was so not attracted to, bcuz he is so obviously in love with cho, BUT HE WILL NEVER HAVE HER!!!, bcuz she is so already taken by Ron- what was he to do?
" Yes Hermione its true, I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-m A CUTTER"…he said through huge sobs, which strangely enough didn't wake anyone up in the dorms
" OH Harry don't worry I'll help you get through this, and I promise I wont tell a soul" 'oh but I should, no Hermione no, but he needs help, so tell, no I wont, I cant, but I must….oh whatever am I to do…sigh… Thoughts trailing off…
" Oh thank you Hermione, you don't know how much you've helped me, now if you'll excuse me I'll get back to moping about how nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I might as well go eat worms…and well you know the rest of the song…
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"Harry I hate you" said Draco when he saw Harry in the hall later that day
" Yes I know….and my mothers a whore, my fathers a phony….yea well guess what Malfoy…. YOU'VE GOT BLONDE HAIR!!!…Now why does everybody seem to keep interrupting my extreme morose self-destructive mood….cant you see I was SLITTING MY WRISTS!! Dammit I hate my life!!!"…Then suddenly he takes out a gun (which Is weird in one way bcuz he has a wand, and another…where the hell did he get a gun?) and shoots everyone in sight and amazingly he seems to hit them in a way that they all drop so suddenly that there is no time for help….then he shoots himself
Then Neville walks by " Holy hell…. RON…HERMIONE" -as they just fell out of a broom closet, because they figured that was a good place to make out- "your naked!! TOGETHER!!! OMG now I have to get therapy"
While Neville runs screaming in the other direction Ron and Hermione continue banging…and strangely no one notice all the dead people in the hallway
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Snape walks by later-- " hey what do you two think you are doing"
"Umm…Hermione was helping me w/a homework assignme…"
"NO sex in the broom closet unless I'm involved dammit!!!" Snape say jealously
" Well you can join if you want," says Hermione yearningly
" You two are very lucky, you just got out of detention!"
The end --- you can kind of guess what happens after that if you want…R&R plz!!