Better Than I Know Myself
"Harry, I can't believe you just said that," I whispered in disbelief. I looked down and away from the boy as he opened and closed his mouth, searching for something to say.
"Jaz, please, don't," he murmured as I pulled myself up off of the chair and walked briskly down the hall towards my dressing room. I didn't hear any footsteps following, so I guess he gave up.
I walked past Niall and Louis, who were probably making their way towards the room I'd just come from, "Jaz?" asked Niall, turning on the spot, "Where ya goin'?" he asked me so innocently.
I shrugged and kept going, around the corner and into the doorway on my right. I closed the door and locked it, putting a chair against the doorknob just incase. I sat heavily on the small couch and stared at the floor, those words never leaving my ears ever again.
You weren't worth it.
You weren't worth it.
You weren't worth it.
Over and over. Every time it repeated it cut deeper.
I stared at my wrists, wondering how someone who'd done such an amazing thing for me, could turn right around and ruin it again. Like a zombie, I got up from the couch and walked slowly towards the bathroom, where I knew there'd be a razor.
I'd been down this path so many times before, and each time I felt something; hurt, lost, tired of everyone, confused. This time, I was just scared. Scared because I was relapsing. All because of the person who'd helped me stop.
I got to the doorway when a voice stopped me, "Jaz! Jaz, don't. I know what you're thinking. Don't do it. Please," begged Louis, one of three people who knew about my previous situation.
I fought the urge to continue forward. My heart battled with my brain. My brain said No, you're going to stop, and my heart said I've been through too much. I didn't know which one to listen to; they'd both betrayed me in the past. "Jaz just let me in. Please," he begged again.
I struggled with myself. I needed help. I needed comfort. I needed friendship. I also needed relief. I needed to be alone. I needed a distraction. I took another step into the bathroom.
As if he could see exactly what I was doing, Louis shouted "Don't you dare touch a razor, Jaz. Don't you fucking dare!"
I was shocked to stillness. Louis had never sworn at me before. There were those few times where he'd sworn at something, but it was never me. He swore at Harry all the time.
Like a machine, I moved over to the chair. I picked it up and moved it, and then unlocked the door. It flew open, sending me stumbling backwards until I hit a piece of furniture and fell to the carpeted floor.
Louis and Zayn ran in, and sat on the floor beside where I'd sat up, each hugging me from their respective sides. I was sandwiched between Zayn and Louis, "Don't scare me, Jaz," Zayn said in a shocked tone. He knew, too. Of course he knew, he was my childhood best friend. How could he not know?
"I have no idea what Harry was thinking. You mean the world to him. Don't forget it. Never let that go," consoled Louis.
I really just wanted them to shut up. They were interrupting the peacefulness that had enclosed itself around my brain and my heart the moment I'd moved that chair. They were ruining my silence.
"Stop! Just stop talking!" I yelled all at once. They jumped back and as soon as I was free from their grasps, I leapt to my feet and ran out of the room. Niall, Liam and Harry were just down the hall, and Harry jumped from where he sat against a wall as I ran past them, and out the back entrance of the arena.
This wasn't how I'd picture touring with One Direction. Not at fucking all.