I Watched You Die

A/N: My God, the emotional intensity of "Rise" absolutely destroyed me. I'm still a newbie in this fandom, but wow... that episode was borderline perfect. So, I decided a tag was absolutely needed. This fic is basically just Castle's thoughts during the swing set scene when he and Beckett reunite.

Disclaimer: I do not own Castle.

"I watched you die. Did you know that? You know what that's like? Watching the life drain out of someone... someone you care about?"

No, he was sure she didn't, because Beckett didn't remember a single thing that happened once that gun fired. She didn't even remember being hit. She didn't remember him holding her to him, as the life faded from her so, so fast. So fast that all he could do was say what should have been said a long time ago. "I love you. I love you Kate."

And it was pathetic, really, that it had taken her dying, bleeding out right in front of him, for him to finally tell her how he felt. Why was the only time he found himself brave enough to admit his feelings for her was when she was quickly slipping out of his grasp? Why am I such a damn coward?

He tried to save her. If only he'd acted a moment sooner, if he had reacted the second he had seen the refraction of light in the graveyard, he could have saved her. It was his fault that she had nearly died. Before even that, he had put her in the crosshairs by pushing her into investigating her mother's murder.

He was supposed to protect the people he loved. He may have not been a macho cop like Esposito or Ryan, but he thought he had been strong enough to protect her. To keep her safe. Apparently, he wasn't strong enough... maybe he never would be. He couldn't help but hate himself for it, a little. Or a lot, some days.

He thought he would never see her again. He thought that the last time he would ever see Kate Beckett, the real Kate Beckett, not just her body, was when she almost, almost smiled at him, just before the light flew from her eyes. Right after he admitted to her that he loved her.

Then, lo and behold, she lived. Against all odds, she survived. When he had seen her in the hospital when she had awoken, auburn hair a disaster, dark circles under her hazel eyes, and her toned body shrouded in a hospital gown, he had mentally framed the picture in his mind. No matter what she said, he had never seen anything so beautiful. And when she smiled at his stupid flower shop joke... God, he had thought he would never see her smile again.

He swore to himself that he would never take her for granted again. Although she didn't remember the fact that he had told her he loved her, that was one of the last things on his mind. She was alive, and now, now he had time. If she had forgotten, maybe he could find the bravery inside of himself to tell her again, the way he should have long ago... but as he was finding out, he wasn't nearly as brave as he wanted to be.

And then she didn't speak to him for months. She said she would call when she was ready. He thought she might need a few days, even a week or two perhaps. Not months. In the time when he needed her the most, wanted to be there to help her recover from her injuries, wanted to find the son-of-a-bitch who dared take a shot at Kate Beckett, she was nowhere to be found.

She had completely dropped off the face of the earth, and the investigation had lead only to dead-ends. Richard Castle was not one who would ever label himself as being 'depressed'... he didn't even know how someone could live every moment of every day only feeling misery and pain. However, in those endless weeks after Kate's shooting, he had a taste. At first, the drive of catching Kate's shooter had staved of the misery, but the longer he went without seeing her, the longer they went without a lead, the more hopeless he felt.

These past few weeks, Alexis and his mother were the only ones keeping him from going off of the deep end. Although he managed to write the ending to his last work, he had barely touched the next Nikki Heat novel he was working on. Without his muse, how was he supposed to write? Every time his fingers touched the keyboard, and he tried to immerse himself back in the story, all he saw was Kate's face. He didn't want some ethereal vision in his overly creative mind, he wanted the real thing.

The temptation to call her grew every single day, until eventually, he gave up. He never viewed himself as one to give up, either, but after all those months without the sound of her voice, her laugh... he couldn't do it. But then, just as he was trying to convince himself to forget about Kate Beckett, she had reappeared at his book signing. The signing of the book he had dedicated to her.

Blissful, sweet relief mixed with anger and resentment hit him like a bucket of ice water. However, he soon felt his rage drain out as they sat next to each other on the swings, and she explained to him why she hadn't called. Her excuses were weak, but nonetheless, he couldn't find the energy to be mad at her. She was there... in front of him... alive.

Watching her die was the worst thing he had ever or would ever experience, of that he had no doubt. He would take a thousand bullets himself before he would ever let her get hurt like that again. He had watched Kate Beckett die, and now he was going to make sure that he watched her live.

That's what you do for the people you love, after all.

A/N: Reviews would be greatly appreciated.