That's not the Shape of my Heart
Notes: Usual disclaimers apply, not for profit for fun. ^_^
Komui has given everybody a day off. Even going so far as to forbid Bookman from giving his apprentice anything to do. Although after becoming a meowing, zombie with rabbit ears, even Bookman needs a day's rest.
Grateful for the respite, Lavi is not keen to spend the time in the same room as his mentor, and really he could have chosen to find Allen but he is still gloating over the fact that for some hours he was older and taller. Lenalee is extracting some kind of revenge apology from Komui as she only knows how and he does not want to be anywhere near that.
Nevertheless he is not sure if his company will be appreciated, but thinks he might try anyway. He just doesn't want to be on his own for a while. Thus he finds himself outside Kanda Yuu's door, even then, he dithers. Well for a couple of minutes anyway and then gives it a few tentative knocks. He is about to give up to go back to his quarters when the door opens. Slightly. He can only see only a bit of an eye, and the cheek below it, everything else is in shadow.
"What d'ya want?" No jibe or insult, Yuu must be as tired as he is.
"Uh, jus' wonderin' if I could come in for a bit," Lavi blurts out in a rush. "I just couldn't sit in the same room as Gramps and …" The door slides further ajar. He just stands there and blinks.
"Well, come in if you are," invite gruffly and huffily given, "if not go already."
He exhales a breath he does not realise he's been holding, toes off his shoes and sits himself on the floor against the side of the bed. He's been in here before, but it always surprises him that it is so dim in here. He supposes sharing a room with Bookman, with their room being slightly bigger with a desk and relatively brighter; because one or the other of them is always reading or writing. He resolutely ignores the bell-jar with the lotus (somehow suspended) within in it. The stained glass window in this bedroom is also different to the one in theirs. Yuu's has more purples and blues, with cracks in some places, he wonders absentmindedly if the hues and the fractures in glass are a reflection of the owner of the room.
Yuu gestures to the bed and Lavi shakes his head, "S'fine - I just needed to get away but didn't want to be on my own - ya know"
"Whatever, I'm going to rest too."
Lavi's leans against the bed, adjusting his back so his head can tip to rest on the mattress.
"Here," there's a folded towel in his face, doubled into a square, enough to cushion his head.
"Uh thanks," and he takes it gratefully. He closes his eye when he's just about right and can feel the mattress dip as Kanda climbs on.
He just sits, with Yuu lying there and it's one of those rare comfortable silences they can share sometimes. In the dimness, breaths soft and quiet.
Uncommon enough as they are, they never last long, this time it is Kanda that breaks the silence, "You're being awfully quiet Rabbit."
"Did you remember suddenly being seven again?" Lavi cracked his eye open, Yuu hasn't moved much. Shrunk to being seven-nearly-eight again, Lavi was thrown for a loop because he was there again, his first battles, his first days on the road, perpetually on the road.
"Yes." Yuu's voice is suddenly so silent that he's not sure he's heard it. Lavi straightens up and turns himself just so he can look at Kanda. "I was already a killer."
It comes crashing down on Lavi yet again, how stupidly naive he is. Always distanced from those involved, he'd tarred humanity with the one sweeping brushstroke of stupidity; with their guns, their bombs, their wars. But this is Yuu, and he was a killer from childhood and there was(is) nothing in the world that could(can) ever make that right, especially not for Yuu.
They've both been exposed to killing, war and battle from roughly the same age, but Yuu's been on active duty since, and Lavi had only been a witness from the lines.
Not for the first time, because he always feels just that bit inadequate next to Yuu, he feels even more so now, and he's remorseful - so very ashamed there's no atoning for his blundering yet again - for bringing up the subject in the first place; and he truly, really feels stupid. Stupid, so very stupid, and perhaps it would be better if he just left now. Because surely, surely Yuu does not want reminders either. He puts a hand to push himself up to go but quick as lightning, Yuu grabs his left wrist in a vice like grip.
They're like statues for a few heartbeats. Lavi, half-crouching, half-standing and Kanda still on the bed, only his face turns towards the red-head. The focus of his dark eyes are intense. There's a deep dark void of hurt and sorrow - filled with a whole world of something Lavi has no hope of understanding but Yuu wants him to stay. So he slides back down onto the floor, giving in to his protesting thigh muscles as much as to Yuu.
"I'm sorry," and he is. "Truly, I'm so, so sorry Yuu." He's slumped with his face hidden in crossed arms on the bed.
"Tch," there's a gentle squeeze on his shoulder, "stupid Rabbit."
It falls silent again, time passes and it should be awkward maybe, but isn't. The half light deepens and it's dusk outside, and Lavi's stomach rumbles signalling an end to the truce. And he doesn't want to go. Because it's been peaceful, it's been nice, it kind of feels like they kinda-maybe-sorta have come to nearly understand each other and he's reluctant to let go of this precious moment. But they have to move on and maybe work on maybe-sorta finding more moments like that, even if they really can't afford to. Because, time, the war, who they are and are becoming are the stupid-not-little things that'll get in the way.
But if Yuu had been willing to meet him halfway, then Lavi can too.
Fin
Notes:
Title is from 'Shape of my heart' - by Sting, from the album Ten Summoners' Tales
I hope someone somewhere loves this.
The time stamp on AO3 is a little screwy on my side (possible comes from me living on the other side of the world and I should set it really so it's right),
so ... if it was your birthday on the 6th of Aug, today 7th of August and/or 8th Aug (because now I've kind of caught up) - the Happiest of days to you! ^_~
As always, thank you all for reading ... you truly are so loved.
Part 8 of the 49 Days series