ALEXANDER – THE DIRECTOR'S CUT: THE REDUCED SCRIPT
Author's Notes: The non-FanFiction friendly version, featuring names of all the actual actors (hence the jokes will make much more sense), is now available via my profile shortly. To be quite honest, I never hated Alexander as much as I hated Troy – to me, Alexander at least was an honorable attempt at the historical figure/event, something I greatly appreciate in light of today's unhealthy trend of film-making. Oliver Stone meant quite well with his epic; it was merely some technical issues that rendered the movie an unfortunate critical failure. Troy, on the other hand, was an atrocity – all the filmmakers and cast did not even try to hide how commercially-driven the whole project was. This script is dedicated to those who can take a good joke out of something they love; it is also dedicated to Hwin (who persuaded me to put this online), and Moon71, as well as a dozen fanfic writers whose fictions led me to watch Alexander in the first place - that is, without you, this script would not be possible.
FADE IN:
EXT. ALEXANDRIA, EGYPT - 7 YEARS EARLIER
O. STONE enters a temple and finds the SPIRIT OF ALEXANDER THE GREAT kneeling on the ground, repenting in sincere tears.
ALEXANDER'S GHOST: (sobbing tragically) And I confess that I shouldn't have slaughtered millions of innocent people and destroyed dozens of civilizations just because I could not stand my egoism - Damn, what do you want from me, you 21st century self-important assclown?
O. STONE: I'm trying to make an epic movie about Alexander the Great.
ALEXANDER'S GHOST: How do you plan to do this?
O. STONE: I will create a grossly melodramatic Hollywood version of your personal story by totally disregarding your spectacular military ability and examining you as a person, mainly positively, from a modern perspective.
ALEXANDER'S GHOST: What? You can't do that! My military ability is PRECISELY the most important aspect of my greatness! And how are you supposed to talk into modern viewers that my life, which is full of bloody acts of conquests over other countries merely for my hard-to-satisfy ego, is consistent with the mainstream moral system in your society -
O. STONE: Movie movie movie!
He recruits a shitload of MISCAST ACTORS and begins to rationalize ALEXANDER'S ABNORMAL PSYCHE.
FLASH CUT TO:
INT. PELLA, MACEDONIA - ANCIENT TIMES
ALEXANDER'S HIDEOUS MOTHER OLYMPIAS is fussing creepily over her CHILD ALEXANDER.
OLYMPIAS' LIPS: Oooooooh my cute little doe-eyed Child Alexander. I'm already envisioning you being the most awful person in human history. In order to manifest this, I must put my poisonous snakes around your neck.
CHILD ALEXANDER: (sighs) My family is so sick.
Suddenly, ALEXANDER'S HIDEOUS FATHER, a disfigured PHILIP, storms into OLYMPIAS' BEDROOM.
PHILIP: Robin! The Bat Signal! To the Batmobile!
CHILD ALEXANDER: Holy horrendously preposterous appearance, Batman!
PHILIP, who is about to rape OLYMPIAS in the presence of CHILD ALEXANDER, hears this and suddenly decides to instead strangle her.
PHILIP: FUCK THIS SCENE IS IMPORTANT AND IT HAS PROFOUND MEANING AND YOU MUST REMEMBER IT REMEMBER IT REMEMBER IT!!!
CHILD ALEXANDER: Wow, my family is really sick and the director is pounding this into the heads of the audience repeatedly. Jesus, only 12 minutes and this movie is already not making any sense.
OLD PTOLEMY (V.O.): It will get worse.
CHILD ALEXANDER: Who...what are you?
OLD PTOLEMY (V.O.): I'm the old Ptolemy, formerly one of Alexander's companions. I will attempt a bit of historical sense by narrating the story with voice-overs, as well as creating some unintentional comic relief along the way.
CHILD ALEXANDER: Fine, just don't eat yourself in your misery. Your existence makes the rest of the cast realize they are actually not so wooden.
FLASH CUT TO:
INT. PELLA, MACEDONIA - 8 YEARS LATER
YOUNG ALEXANDER: I'm very BAD ASS, because I can tame a wild horse by sissily whispering into his ears! Just like Robert Redford.
OLD PTOLEMY (V.O.): As a matter of fact, you will wrestle with some random children before your small ass gets kicked. Terribly. You are so very weak, you little puke.
YOUNG ALEXANDER: Oh. Well, at least I don't deliver laughter-provoking lines like "Alexander found his sanity in friendship" while I'm being bitterly kicked by other kids, or cite quotes like "Alexander was never defeated, except by Hephaistion's thighs" in misleading contexts. Ugh, you are dishonoring me and your own acting career, you soulless bag of a collection of cheesy monologues.
OLD PTOLEMY (V.O.): Shut up.
PHILIP: (jumps in) Son, you've mastered the crazy horse under my malicious permission to let you hurt yourself! I'm so proud of you, which means I will now tell you famous Greek stories that everybody already knows, but under a creepier circumstance!
He tells GREEK HORROR STORIES to YOUNG ALEXANDER, in a DARK, DAMP CAVE with VIOLENT WALL PAINTINGS.
INT. CAVE
YOUNG ALEXANDER: Dad, I want to vomit. My stomach just turned 360'.
OLD PTOLEMY (V.O.): Then suddenly, Philip is murdered and Adult Alexander, played by an atrociously shitty Colin Farrell, becomes King. He invades Persia.
AUDIENCE: Oh, that's helpful.
FLASH CUT TO:
EXT. GAUGAMELA, PERSIA - MANY YEARS LATER
ALEXANDER: So, I have this unrealistic and impractical plan, and I'm obsessed with this Persian guy who mysteriously murdered Philip.
PARMENION: That's madness.
ALEXANDER: Not if the cameraman gets drunk and screws up the entire battle scene.
PTOLEMY: But how are we supposed to lead forty thousand men away from their homes and convince them to stay in dangerous foreign lands for what is likely to be the rest of their lives?
ALEXANDER: You know what? I have no fucking idea.
He makes an EMPTY-IF-NOT-DEPRESSING SPEECH to his CGI ARMY for 7 minutes. A bunch of ANIMALS OF UNDEFINED SYMBOLISM appear simultaneously.
CGI EAGLE: I'm a symbol.
OLYMPIAS' SNAKES: We are too symbols.
ALEXANDER'S HORSE: I'm a symbol as well.
ALEXANDER: Hmm, I think that destroys the tension. Now let's start the epic battle.
A large battle scene ENSUES! Blood SPILLS! Bodies get IMPALED! Limbs FALL OFF! Symbols FLY! The CAMERAMAN gets all crazy and starts to DANCE ALL OVER THE PLACE!
CAMERAMAN: YES, BLOOD! WOOEEE, BLOOD! LOOK AT THE STICKS! I'M A BIG GODDAMNED LUNATIC!
AUDIENCE: My head! The angles! Where's Alexander in the midst of chaos?! And who is getting the upper-hand?! And why do Macedonians and Persians fight the same way in close distance?! And what's Alexander's strategy?! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!
DIRECTOR O. STONE: Oh no, add footnotes! Quick, use the most pathetic way to explain battle scenes - footnotes!
AUDIENCE: It doesn't work! I still don't know what's happening!
CAMERAMAN: Goddamn shooting is so fun! Let's use drastically unfitting music to further confuse the audience!
DIRECTOR O. STONE: Stop the scene! Stop the scene! Quick! We've already wasted 9 straight minutes showing absolutely nothing!
ALEXANDER: (abruptly shows up) I'm still obsessed with this Persian guy who mysteriously murdered Philip. Wait, the battle is already over?
They somehow WIN the battle and ruin the first half of the movie.
FLASH CUT TO:
INT. CAVE - MANY YEARS EARLIER
AUDIENCE: Hold it, there are actually three story lines going on together? What the hell?
YOUNG ALEXANDER
Dad, let's get the hell out of this place. Your glaringly symbolic stories are sickening me with horrible omens that inexplicably mirror my grim future.
FLASH CUT TO:
INT. BABYLON, PERSIA
ALEXANDER: Oh Gosh. I don't know what to do with those conquered people. I mean, what if they follow the justifiable procedure and revolt?
PERSIANS: (offering candies and flowers) Alexander, we are so glad that you've conquered, slaughtered, robbed and humiliated us.
ALEXANDER: Oh.
The GREEKS enter BABYLON peacefully. CHEESY MUSIC swells. EVERYONE loves ALEXANDER, even though he didn't really do anything. ROSE PETALS fall around. The camera shakes slightly. The BLOODY CONQUERORS bitch around the palace and eventually they enter a SETTING PROBABLY DIRECTLY TAKEN FROM A TEEN SEX COMEDY.
NUMEROUS EXOTIC, SEXY PEOPLE WITHOUT BALLS: Purrr. Feel free to rape us.
AUDIENCE: This is actually a distasteful fantasy sequence that a younger Alexander is dreaming of, right?
It ISN'T. Eventually, ALEXANDER talks with HIS OTHER HALF, HEPHAISTION, who is covered in his RIDICULOUSLY HEAVY MAKEUP.
ALEXANDER: I have a dream. It is to free the people who I have no idea are free or not by forcing them into my service. Either that, or I will massacre them.
HEPHAISTION'S RIDICULOUSLY HEAVY MAKEUP: (inconsequentially) I'm staring at you. Through my heavy make-up. I can stare at you without creating any chemistry. This means I love you.
ALEXANDER: Wait, wait, wait. You haven't talked so far and the audience essentially knows nothing about you and the first thing you are saying is that you love me, inexplicably? So is our relationship a purely spiritual one and/or a sexual thing?
HEPHAISTION'S RIDICULOUSLY HEAVY MAKEUP: Beats me.
Suddenly, ALEXANDER decides to marry RANDOM ASIAN WOMAN ROXANNE, because ROXANNE has DANCED before ALEXANDER for 150 seconds.
ALEXANDER: After seven years of my Persia occupation I suddenly want to marry this random girl, badly. Despite this, our marriage is not so much about personal desires but more of an important political message.
HIS FUCKER GENERALS: But we're all for Greek superiority and we oppose your marriage for obnoxiously racist reasons.
HEPHAISTION'S RIDICULOUSLY HEAVY MAKEUP: And I'm so sad and jealous that you are forced to marry Roxanne, even though that's actually your own decision. As such, I must stupidly blow up your relation with her by showing my affections in your bedroom at your WEDDING NIGHT. Maybe this scene proves that our relationship is really something more than spiritual stuff.
ALEXANDER: Oh, how moving. My heart is now so full of sorrow that the audience will have no choice but to sympathize with me.
OLD PTOLEMY (V.O.): You still suck.
ALEXANDER: Oh yeah? At least I can actually FEEL, you God-awful plot device.
OLD PTOLEMY (V.O.): Shit.
Suddenly, ALEXANDER begins to have forced sex with ROXANNE. This is FOREBODING and IN-DEPTH.
DIRECTOR O. STONE: (mused) Isn't it interesting, observing your childhood idol fucking someone who hates him so thoroughly?
AUDIENCE: (crying) God make it stop!
FLASH CUT TO:
INT. PELLA, MACEDONIA - 10 YEARS EARLIER
ALEXANDER: Something is happening...
OLYMPIAS' LIPS: Son.
ALEXANDER: But not sure WHAT exactly is happening...
OLYMPIAS' LIPS: SON!
ALEXANDER: Jesus Christ, Lara, you are sexy. Can we make out?
OLYMPIAS' LIPS: Nope. I'm your cunning mother now. Seriously. But don't worry, sonny; our relationship, exhibited by our horrible acting in this scene, is one of the farthest departures from a healthy mother-son relationship that have ever made into a serious movie.
ALEXANDER: True; you look as if you are trying to seduce me and I look as if I'm ready to be seduced. So what happens now?
OLYMPIAS' LIPS: My dreadfully stereotypical performance has carved the idea of murdering your father into my head.
ALEXANDER: What? You must not be resentful enough to plan to murder someone who for as long as I can remember has been both mentally and physically torturing you for his own twisted satisfaction! Suddenly I don't respect you anymore!
OLYMPIAS' LIPS: And the tension resulting from which will drive our relationship further towards the antipathetic direction.
FLASH CUT TO:
EXT. SOFDIA, NORTHEAST PERSIA
Someone attempts to POISON ALEXANDER. Therefore, ALEXANDER executes PHILOTAS, who didn't really do anything. He proceeds to eliminate PHILOTAS' FATHER PARMENION.
ALEXANDER: People must be wishing me dead now.
FLASH CUT TO:
EXT. MACEDONIA - 9 YEARS EARLIER
PHILIP is MARRYING some UNATTRACTIVE FEMALE. Suddenly, his WORLD'S MOST LOATHSOME UNCLE-IN-LAW starts to publicly humiliate ALEXANDER for no apparent reason while EVERYBODY effectively illustrates the underlying complex relations between ALEXANDER, OLYMPIAS, PHILIP and the rest of the GREEKS.
PHILIP'S UNCLE-IN-LAW: My white niece Eurydice is better than Olympias because Olympias is not Macedonian and that alone qualifies her being a whore and so Alexander is a half-bred bastard, har har har!
ALEXANDER: Jesus, that's the most disgusting thing a human being can ever spew out of his digestive system.
CRAZY PHILIP: Apologize to my loathsome uncle-in-law for saying that, you son of a bitch!
HEPHAISTION: Dude, I can't believe that you have just fully showed everyone present that you are a self-depreciating dumbass.
CRAZY PHILIP: Then in order not to depreciate myself too much, I will attack Alexander and his mother in terms of his enormous ego and her obscenely huge expectation from him. Eh, see? I'm not so annoying, because there's some degree of truth in my harassment.
AUDIENCE: You are a deplorable asshole, ten times worse than Alexander, who is bad enough.
CRAZY PHILIP: Oh. Well then I hope you can still be saddened when I suddenly get killed.
AUDIENCE: Nah.
ALEXANDER: Isn't it sad that the most well-acted, well-scripted and emotionally-charged scene has to end in 5 minutes without any follow-up explorations of it in this 167 minutes of a crappy movie?
FLASH CUT TO:
EXT. HINDU KUSH
OLD PTOLEMY (V.O.): I'm very, VERY clichéd...and very, VERY dull...
ALEXANDER: No duller than I am. Speaking of dullness, where's our CGI eagle?
PTOLEMY: Who cares? As long as you are making lengthy monologues, no one seems to care about this film or its characters, let alone our animal symbolism.
INT. INDIA
ALEXANDER: Oh dear. The morale of my army has been seriously weakened by India itself. Therefore, I must further damage it by poking fun at the stubborn racism of my fucker generals whom I reluctantly rely upon.
CLEITUS: I hate you for your lack of sufficient racism.
ALEXANDER: Too bad. Already have it. You should've got used to it by now.
CLEITUS: In that case, I will totally strip you of your dignity right in front of your people and allies. (gives ALEXANDER the finger) IDIOT! PATHETIC! FILTH! BASTARD!
AUDIENCE: Oh God, he's really annoying.
CLEITUS: (with the finger) WHORE! MORON! RETARD! TWERP!
ALEXANDER: This is completely stupid.
CLEITUS: (still with the finger) JERK! SMARTASS! FAG! SCUM!
ALEXANDER: It's just common sense that if you want to embarrass a person, you should at least try not to embarrass yourself.
CLEITUS: (still with the finger) JACKASS! DICK! MOTHERFUCKER! COCKSUCKER! I'M GONNA TEAR YOU A BRAND NEW ASSHOLE AND I'M GONNA FUCK YOU SO HARD THAT YOUR PENIS WILL -
ALEXANDER stabs CLEITUS in a burst of outrage.
AUDIENCE: HOORAY YES GODDAMN HE DESERVED THAT – (pause) Uh, I mean this is...uh, not good...
ALEXANDER mourns over CLEITUS, who according to this movie has achieved nothing and really should have died sooner.
FLASH CUT TO:
EXT. MACEDONIA - 9 YEARS EARLIER
PHILIP gets STABBED by his former boy lover whom he abused.
ALEXANDER: Oh, so that's how I get to be King. And this scene is important at this particular point in time because...?
FLASH CUT TO:
EXT. INDIA
ALEXANDER is PISSED OFF by his MACEDONIAN ARMY because they are unwilling to fulfill his EGO, so he declares that he would "approve" their proposals of retirement and lead the ASIANS to fulfill it. The MACEDONIANS are inexplicably PISSED OFF by this, so they berate ALEXANDER, and ALEXANDER in response sucks up on them before he executes some of them.
OLD PTOLEMY (V.O.): And...Alexander was...no longer...loved...by ALL...
AUDIENCE: Why didn't you get killed?
FLASH CUT TO:
EXT. SOME FOREST
ALEXANDER: Okay, people, let's get straight to the battle. Listen, our strategy is -
ELEPHANTS: RAR!
HIS ARMY: EEK!
HEPHAISTION: Don't panic, don't panic!
HIS ARMY: Oh god the chilly thing running down my spine is so annoying!
CAMERAMAN: I'M DRUNK AGAIN! WHEEE!
CHAOS ENSUES AGAIN AS THE CAMERAMAN STARTS JUMPING UP-AND-DOWN AGAIN AND LIMBS FALL OFF AGAIN AND PEOPLE GET SMASHED AGAIN AND BLOOD SPILLS AGAIN AND BONES SHOW UP AGAIN AND BODIES GET IMPALED AGAIN AND ANIMAL SYMBOLS ARE RAMPANT AGAIN!
NEARCHUS: AIM THEIR EYES USE YOUR BOWS FUCK WHERE'S YOUR BOW -
HIS ARMY: I'VE NEVER SEEN SUCH CREATURES BEFORE MY LEGS ARE LIKE JELLY -
PTOLEMY: SPREAD OUT SPREAD OUT DAMN DON'T JUST STAND THERE -
AUDIENCE: I'm bored. I want to go to the bathroom.
DIRECTOR OLIVER STONE: GAAAAA! TURN THE CAMERA TO ALEXANDER QUICK ALEXANDER WHERE ARE YOU -
CAMERAMAN: LET'S GET A SCENE FROM THE POINT OF VIEW OF HEPHAISTION'S LEFT NOSTRIL -
An ELEPHANT knocks the CAMERAMAN unconscious and O. STONE turns the camera to ALEXANDER'S and the INDIAN'S ANIMALS OF UNDEFINED SYMBOLISM.
ALEXANDER'S HORSE: (to the ELEPHANT) Rarr. I'll kill you.
RANDOM INDIAN ELEPHANT: (to ALEXANDER'S HORSE) Rarr. Look with talking.
ALEXANDER: I'm gonna die.
A RANDOM INDIAN suddenly shoots ALEXANDER. He falls off his HORSE in slow motion. His BLOOD spills on the CAMERA and now everything suddenly has A SHADE OF REDNESS.
AUDIENCE: What the hell?
HIS TOTALLY BAD ASS ARMY abruptly wake up and start to KICK SOME ASS.
HIS ARMY: Don't mess up with us.
They easily overrun the NATIVES and ruin the second half of the movie.
FLASH CUT TO:
EXT. MACEDONIA - 9 YEARS EARLIER
ALEXANDER: What happened? I dreamed that I perished comically in a pink elephant battle -
OLYMPIAS' LIPS: Your dad just died. You are King now.
ALEXANDER: Oh yeah. You must be the mastermind of Philip's assassination.
OLYMPIAS' LIPS: Not me; I'm just an insane woman who wants her son to become King so desperately that she's willing to risk his reputation and life by putting him in a difficult position that is likely to raise the possibility of HIS murder.
ALEXANDER: Agggghhhhh! God this is so sick! I'm even seeing my mother's face in MY reflection! EWW!
OLYMPIAS' LIPS: It shows that your soul and human qualities have magically long shattered when I pushed my twisted love for you to the impossible extreme which has led to the consequence that you're now nothing more than the physical embodiment of my snake-like ambition and without my poisonous manipulation you are worthless and not even a fucking human being! Muahahahahahahaha!
ALEXANDER: I can't think of anything else that can be more disturbing than this.
DIRECTOR O. STONE: Kiss your mother on the lips.
ALEXANDER: I want to die.
FLASH CUT TO:
EXT. INDIA
ALEXANDER: Hooray, the two confusing story lines finally come together! Let's head back to Babylon. I think I'm finally doing something right, because my CGI eagle is back.
PHILIP'S GHOST: Hello sonny.
ALEXANDER: Dad, I smile brightly when I see you in order to further confuse the audience in terms of whether seeing you is a good thing or a bad thing, since the last time I saw you I accidentally killed one of my fucker generals hotheaded. Let's act like lunatics and go home through a DEADLY DESERT without considering any alternatives!
They DO and almost obliterate themselves, which is really stupid and unnecessary.
INT. BABYLON, PERSIA
HEPHAISTION is suddenly dying.
HEPHAISTION'S ABSURD MAKEUP: Oh no, my ridiculous makeup is thicker than usual!
ALEXANDER: Hephaistion, my Spouse, my Truelove, my Alter Ego! You cannot die like this, not when you are leaving without any memorable acting and the audience still knows nothing about you!
HEPHAISTION'S ABSURD MAKEUP: What? Wait a second, what am I? Am I just the extension of one of the many sides of your personality or an actual person? Oliver can't seem to decide.
ALEXANDER: I love you.
HEPHAISTION'S ABSURD MAKEUP: Oh. That's good to hear. Then please, my Truelove, look at my face so that I can be content when my unremarkable life suddenly comes to a tragic and outrageously symbolic end.
ALEXANDER: But I want to look at the sun and deliver homicidally hollow and lengthy monologues.
He DOES and HEPHAISTION is KILLED by it. Since this is in fact rather HILARIOUS than SAD, the AUDIENCE doesn't know whether to laugh or cry.
ALEXANDER (CONT'D): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
He runs off to strangle ROXANNE; this is also FOREBODING and IN-DEPTH because PHILIP did the same when CHILD ALEXANDER was around.
CHILD ALEXANDER (V.O.): I told you my family was sick. Even Alexander is clearly losing his mind now.
FLASH CUT TO:
INT. RANDOM PALACE LOCATION
ALEXANDER and HIS FUCKER GENERALS are holding a party of SOMETHING-OR-OTHER. This is the scariest scene from the entire movie, because EVERYONE suddenly looks like A GENUINE FREAK WITH GHASTLY MAKEUP AND CRANKY BEHAVIOR.
ALEXANDER: Part of me - and that includes all my sanity - died with Hephaistion. Therefore, I'm now totally the physical embodiment of my Medusa-like mother.
He sees OLYMPIAS' MORE-HIDEOUS-THAN-USUAL FACE replacing his own reflection in his CLEARLY POISONED WINE, so he DRINKS it and is stricken down immediately.
FLASH CUT TO:
INT. ALEXANDER'S DEATH ROOM
HIS FUCKER GENERALS: Tell us what we can get from you before you die, so that we can completely blaspheme your legacy after that.
ALEXANDER: (coughing furiously) You people murdered me in cold blood. I hate you all. I hope you all get skinned then drowned in the sourest lemonade. With Olympias' snakes. Wait, I'm seeing stuff. So what's up with that CGI eagle? And the snakes? And Hephaistion's ring? And cave? And that Persian guy who mysteriously murdered Philip?
OLD PTOLEMY (V.O.): Those are the elements of your pathetic life, you mutated wimp.
ALEXANDER: Hey asshat, at least I don't have to endure this stupid movie IN ITS ENTIRETY! (dies)
AUDIENCE: What a poor, ill-fated, crazy guy, driven madly selfish and hypocritical and ambitious and blood-thirsty and irresponsible and moronic because he was tormented by his family and his fucker generals. (pause) But why the hell was he "Great", anyway?
OLD PTOLEMY (V.O.): And so...on the 10th of June...a month short of his 33rd year...Alexander's great heart...Jesus, where is the audience going?
CGI EAGLE: On their way to see Alexander's corpse spinning for the 10000th time.
END