This is my first fic in quite a while - life got in the way, I guess. I finally got around to playing the Mass Effect trilogy and lo and behold, found it amazing (like everyone who knew me told me I would). I fell in love with the games and found myself a firm supporter of Shenko, and also found the fanfic bug had bitten me bad.
Please forgive me any detail errors, and there's a few things in this I have not explained (like how the Normandy returned to Earth) which are simply not mentioned or are hand-waved. Also, apologies in advance for any typos that slipped through.
"Kaidan? It's Karin Chakwas. Kaidan – we found Shepard. You need to come to the London command centre as soon as possible. She's alive, but only just."
Kaidan stared at Admiral Hackett across the table, trying to appear respectful rather than sullen.
He didn't want to be here, not right now. There were far more important places for him to be, more important people for him to be with - a certain room down the hall was, for Kaidan, consuming his thoughts. Resentment wouldn't usually be a feeling associated with the Admiral, but these were unique circumstances. At any other time, Kaidan would consider speaking with the Hackett his highest priority and one he would attend to with both trepidation and humility – Hackett was, after all, one of the most respected people in, and now outside of, the Alliance. His austere face looked weary underneath the steel gaze, a man who had seen enough of, well, everything. The war may be over, but the healing and rebuilding was going to take an unimaginable amount of time.
Healing. Right now he should be helping Shepard do exactly that. She wasn't actually awake yet, so the amount of actual help he could be was debatable, but Kaidan wanted to be at her side when she awoke from the induced coma she had been put into to recover from the worst of her injuries. He also had wanted to be there when she'd been found, or at least informed immediately that the woman he so loved and admired had actually survived what was thought to surely be a one way trip. But that hadn't been the case.
Admiral Hackett sighed and waved a nonchalant hand as he studied the man sitting across from him. "Out with it, Major Alenko."
"Why wasn't I told?" Kaidan burst out, just managing to keep his anger in check. "She was found days ago, and I only found out a few hours ago!" He swallowed. "Sir."
Hackett regarded him with a level gaze, but, Kaidan registered somewhere in the back of his mind, he didn't seem to be perturbed or unimpressed with his Major's outburst. Kaidan vaguely realised question had been expected, as well as the less-than-professional emotional display that had accompanied it. Hackett sighed.
"It was decided that Commander Shepard needed immediate medical attention, not some circus of media and political frenzy. Thus it was decided to keep her rescue from the Citadel strictly on a need-to-know basis to eliminate any…distractions." Hackett sighed deeply as Kaidan felt some of his anger drain away. "The only people informed by the rescue team, Alenko, were myself and the medical staff needed to stabilise her. Even the pilot and crew who transported her were only informed that their passenger was a high-ranking Alliance officer, and the recovery team themselves, who were sworn to secrecy until such time as it was deemed appropriate to release word that she had been found alive."
Kaidan couldn't help but arch an eyebrow. "Such time as was deemed appropriate?" He also couldn't help a spiteful note from creeping into his voice. At any other time he never would have dreamed of speaking to the Admiral in such a way, but at this particular point in time his emotions were running high and he simply was beyond caring. "So you got to decide when was appropriate to tell everyone that their hero, who they were mourning, was, against all hope, alive?"
"Think about it, Kaidan," said Hackett, his voice softening slightly. The use of his first name, rather than surname or rank, was not lost on Kaidan. He'd never seen the Admiral look so…tired. "The recovery team that was sent up to the Citadel was given the mission to, if possible, locate and retrieve the bodies of Admiral Anderson and Commander Shepard." His eyes met Kaidan's, surprisingly earnest. "They never expected – we never expected – to find her alive. It was a shock to receive the transmission, I can tell you." He shifted, leaning on the table. "Son, she was scarcely hanging on up there. They found her half-buried in rubble and barely breathing. So much so, the men that first found her thought she was already gone." He passed a hand across his eyes. "Telling people that we had found her wasn't our first priority."
Kaidan's heart constricted at the description of how Shepard had been found. He tried hard not to imagine how she must have looked, surrounded by destruction, all but dead…had she been alive when the rubble buried her? Had she lain in the dark, in pain, as she felt her life slowly ebb, alone but of the sound of her ragged breath? Had she slipped away into the darkness, hopeless and lost? He felt the gentle burn in his eyes as tears threatened to give him away. He blinked quickly, hoping Hackett hadn't noticed.
"She needed medical attention. She needed privacy and peace while the medical staff stabilised her. No one needed the media carrion or political 'visitors' filling up the corridors and creating anything but a peaceful environment to allow the doctors to do what they did best." Hackett fixed Kaidan with another stare, the steel edge back in his gaze. "We can never repay Shepard for all she's done. Don't assume I consider her just another officer, Alenko. I knew that the more people knew, the more likely it was to turn the ICU into some kind of transit station. I didn't want to cause her anymore undue stress."
Kaidan softly grunted in agreement despite his earlier feelings on the matter. "She deserves that much, at least."
Hackett's argument did make sense, Kaidan thought despite his high-running emotions. Shepard had been found, against all odds, and brought back in secrecy to give her a chance to stabilise and begin to heal. The Admiral was right, as soon as the news was out that Shepard was alive, the hero of the war, she would become a symbol and a pawn for political ends. There were numerous talks and diplomatic discussions due to begin in regard to rebuilding what the Reapers had taken, what had been destroyed, and how the galaxy should move forward. Any politician or ambassador worth their salt would try to get her on their side – and she wasn't in any kind of state for such affairs. Perhaps Hackett's call had been the right one – but it still didn't change that he was angry he wasn't told.
"I understand your motives, Admiral. I can't disagree with them. But with all due respect, why couldn't the crew of the Normandy have been informed, at least? We were her team – we still are her team, and her friends."
"I understand that, Major. Perhaps you don't understand the scrutiny you yourself have been under. You're being closely monitored, by the media and interested parties alike. If we were to tell you all, it might have gotten out. I judged it too big a risk to take." Hackett's gaze was challenging.
Kaidan met it levelly. "Then why didn't you just tell me?"
This time it was Hackett's turn to arch an eyebrow. "And why should you specifically have been privy to that information?"
Kaidan paused, aware that he was very close to painting himself into an uncomfortable corner. And not one which he really wanted to be called on right at this moment. He straightened slightly, keeping his answer professional. "I…I was her XO on board the Normandy. And her friend."
Hackett's face slowly curved. Was that a small smirk? "Was that all you were, Alenko? All you are to her, still?"
Kaidan swallowed, finding his mouth suddenly was dry. Uh oh. "Admiral, I don't…"
The Admiral raised a hand, stopping Kaidan mid-sentence as he tripped over his words. "Shepard…talked in her sleep, for lack of a better phrase."
Kaidan had no answer to that. I'm about to be court-martialled? Now? But Hackett was still smirking.
"Before the doctors induced her into a coma to stabilise her, Shepard came partially back to consciousness. She was confused, almost delirious. She cried out for you, Alenko. More than once. It doesn't take a genius to work out why."
A flush of heat crept up his neck, along with a flutter from his heart. She had called for him. He almost walked out on the Admiral right then, to the room a few doors down where Shepard was unconscious. She had called for him. Had she heard him, somehow, as he wept for her in past days when he thought she had been torn away from him again? In the deep of the night, when the weight of everything came crashing down and he'd nearly screamed aloud at the unfairness of her sacrifice, even as he recovered from his own injuries? Had she heard him somehow, across the stars, and replied to him? It was a ludicrous thought but somehow, in some small way, it made him feel better.
Hackett ran a tired hand over his face and took his hat off, placing it on the table. He sighed deeply, looking up at Kaidan. The Major's far-off look faded, and he seemed to come back to himself, looking expectantly at Hackett. "Major, off the record. Completely. What does Shepard mean to you?"
Kaidan felt himself freeze for a moment. He knew what was being asked, but couldn't shake the feeling it could be a trap. "Commander Shepard is an excellent officer. She's smart in her tactics, good with the team. She's charismatic, and brings out the best in those that serve her."
Hackett sighed again, this time in irritation and stared at Kaidan. "Diplomatic answer, but you know what I'm asking. This is, as I said off the record. I need to know, son. It's clear you and Shepard have feelings for one another – and you have not, by account, been quite as subtle as you thought."
"Wait, by whose account, exactly?" Kaidan asked, eyes narrowing slightly. He and Shepard had spoken numerous times to make sure their relationship – both on the mission against Saren three years ago, and during the war – was not overt on the Normandy. They had once spent some shore leave together in Vancouver, but that was years ago, before the destruction of the SR1. On board, they had been sure to present themselves professionally, and keep the mission as the highest priority. Hadn't they?
"Karin Chakwas."
Kaidan groaned quietly despite himself. That made a lot of sense in hindsight.
"Yes, Major. The good doctor mentioned your dedication to one another outside ground missions, and that she shouldn't help but notice how much you took care of one another, too. She had to dismiss you both from the medbay more than once, I believe, as you tried to watch over whoever was receiving medical treatment at the time." Hackett's eyes softened, a finger idly tapping his hat where it lay. "It was on her askance that you be told Commander Shepard had survived, and her reasoning was due to your emotional attachment. Shepard's…comments during her semi-awakening seemed to confirm this."
Kaidan stayed silent, wondering if it was already too late. Should he admit to everything, and hope his actions in the war and fairly excellent service record could help him? Or could his and Shepard's Spectre statues somehow protect them from a fraternisation charge from the Alliance? Or, he suddenly realised, his resolve growing stronger as the thought grew, should he push away his thoughts of being a career man and ask for a discharge, allowing him to be with Shepard and continue on as a Spectre? If it meant he was able to stay with her, see her smile again, he knew he'd do it in heartbeat. As he went to open his mouth, Hackett held up a hand stopping his sentence before it began.
"Alenko – Kaidan – I repeat, this is off record. I need to know if your feelings for Shepard are somewhat superficial, two people finding comfort in war, or if there is something more between you." His gaze was steady, underpinning the important of his words. "Otherwise, I don't know how I can help you both."
There was a pause. "Help us, sir?" Kaidan asked quietly, feeling confused and hopeful all at once. Help them how?
"You still haven't answered my question, Alenko."
Kaidan was silent. So vague and professional answers weren't going to cut it, and it seemed they had been found out. But…the Admiral wasn't ripping into him, and even though there was an undercurrent of tension in the room, Kaidan surprisingly didn't feel like he was being reprimanded. He took a breath. How best, then, to put this into words? How could he make Hackett understand just how much Shepard meant to him? He didn't know if he'd be able to find the right words – after all, he knew the perfect word to fully convey what she meant to him didn't exist. The words that did exist seemed lackluster.
"I don't even know where to begin. But I can safely say it's not a, er, fling, sir." He gazed off into the middle distance, thinking of her. The scarlet hair, cut in a short bob to fit easily under a helmet. Her lips, quirked in a smile. Her hand, reaching for him as they lay together in bed, the touch of her skin. Her face twisted into a grin after a successful mission, hair stuck to her face with sweat. She always looked beautiful and full of life. "She's…" he sighed, trying to organise his thoughts into something akin to an answer. "It started three years ago, Admiral. When we were tracking down Saren… over the course of the mission, we grew close as friends and then it started to turn into something more. We had common ground and spoke often. We fought like we were connected during missions. We fell for one another. We knew there were regs and never let anything come in the way of our missions, but still found a way to be with one another. After the SR1 was destroyed…I fell apart without her. You may have seen I was given medical leave."
Hackett nodded. "I was aware."
"I don't think there's any need for me to elaborate on my feelings over the next few years. Suffice to say, Admiral, that it was more difficult than any warzone I've been a part of. Even more so when she suddenly was alive, and working with them. With Cerberus." He swallowed, supressing the uncomfortable memories that threatened to distract him. "When the Reapers came and we were working together again, there were some past issues that we needed to move past to trust one another again, to do our job properly. The mission was always our first priority, but I guess working in close proximity again let us..." Kaidan trailed off, his words failing.
"Fall again?" Hackett provided softly, much to Kaidan's surprise.
"We didn't mean for anything to happen," he blurted, knowing that saying it looked like he was trying to justify his own actions. "By which I mean, Admiral, that we didn't go looking for it. We were drawn to each other. I feely admit, as would Shepard I'm sure, that I let it happen and I don't regret that." He sighed again, feeling his heart rate rise just thinking of her. "Off the record, then. She's incredible, Admiral. Like a part of myself I never knew was missing. Everything about her proves how special she is – not only does she do the impossible, but she does it without complaint. She makes me feel like..." Like I could take on the Reapers alone? Incredibly happy? Alive? Like the luckiest guy in existence? "...like I'm home."
Kaidan ran a hand absently though his hair, feeling relieved and slightly embarrassed at his flowery language. "I'm sorry, Admiral. That was very…sentimental of me."
Hackett smiled suddenly, the expression catching Kaidan completely off guard. "I am a man of the world, you know. Love, and love that transcends everything including rank, is not a foreign concept to me."
"Then you must have some concept of how I've been feeling recently. I thought she was gone, Admiral. I thought I'd lost her – again – and it was tearing me apart. My own recovery kept me somewhat distracted, but I can honestly say I'm not sure if I would have ever been able to pick up all the pieces. I'm indescribably relieved, and part of me is nervous that I'm actually dreaming."
"No dream, Major," said Hackett. The softness in his features had all but vanished, and Kaidan knew it was back to business, whatever business that might be. He swallowed, knowing that the consequences of his and Shepard's relationship were about to be dealt with – though for better or worse, he no longer could tell. This still didn't feel like a dressing-down.
"So now I have to decide what to do with the two of you. You know your relationship is against standard regulations, and while I admit these have been...trying circumstances as of late, there is protocol in place for Alliance marines and officers. You can guess the usual outcomes in these sorts of situations, Major."
Kaidan felt his heart skip a beat. He wanted to argue, to prove that after all they'd done, didn't they deserve some kind of lenience? Their relationship had never jeopardised the mission, if anything it had made them a stronger team. A team who saved the galaxy. Was there no way the Brass could look past this? "Admiral, I'll leave the Alliance if..."
A raised hand from Hackett stopped his words again. "Keep your head on straight, Major. You're too good an officer to lose, especially after a conflict that you were front and centre for. You're an example now, almost as much as Shepard, Major Alenko."
"I'm not going to let you take this out on Shepard. A dishonourable discharge after all she's done?" Kaidan didn't bother to keep the venom out of his tone. What was this, some kind of weird reverse favouritism? Shepard was an Alliance hero, a galactic name. "I'll quit before I let you do that to her. You can't stop me from doing that."
Hackett sighed. "Or, Alenko, you could let me continue with what I was trying to say."
"Oh, I...sorry, sir," Kaidan muttered, feeling the flush of embarrassment across his face. Speaking out of turn, and then doing it so brazenly? Shepard had rubbed off on him, more so than he'd realised. Hackett let the silence in the small room deepen. Kaidan had the niggling feeling the Admiral was doing it on purpose, as payback for his Major's insolence, tolerated though it was. Eventually the Admiral nodded to himself.
"Shepard's unique situation has not bypassed me, Major. As a Commander in the Alliance Navy, she has already done enough to gain most commendations in the known galaxy. She's a symbol, not just to humans, but to other races now as well. She's done the impossible, and the unbelievable. Her elevation to Council Spectre seems to have only been the beginning of her legacy, and humanity has been recognised for our strengths. Some of that was purely through her.
"But neither she, nor you, belong purely to the Alliance anymore. As Council Spectres as well, you cannot be only bound by our own regulations. You have greater responsibilities to answer to, and the effects of your missions are not only felt on Earth. You are not typical officers."
Kaidan stared, wary. That almost sounded like an...excuse?
"I can't say how your Spectre duties might change in the immediate aftermath of the War, or even begin to speculate. But the truth is Shepard is not going to be fit for command until she has fully recovered and is ready to take up her rank again. There's no knowing how long that might be – her knee reconstruction alone will take many months of physical therapy, then there's the recovery of her psyche. Chakwas is expecting her to say she's fine, but it's likely we're looking at a degree of PTSD. There's also her shore leave – the crew of the Normandy especially is to have mandatory shore leave to recover. So far, the Admirals have not put a time limit on this."
"I can already say she won't like that, Admiral" Kaidan frowned. "Hell, the idea of sitting around doing nothing when there's so much to be done doesn't sit well with me either."
Hackett raised an eyebrow. "You can't say you don't need it."
"Need is one thing, but want...that's another, sir."
"True," Hackett conceded. "Though regardless of her recovery, Commander Shepard is not going to be in command in a military capacity for some years. I think she would be best serving humanity and the galaxy in a different capacity.
"Shepard's negotiations won this war, Major Alenko. You were with her for most of them, you saw her do things never thought possible. She united races that were enemies and created strength through unity. She did that by taking action and picking her words well, not by fussing around like a politician and moving the responsibilities on to someone else. Now the galaxy faces a rebuild. Resources need to be shared to benefit us all, alliances need to be retained and actions of some need to be accounted for. We still need that clever, perceptive Shepard."
It suddenly was clear what the Admiral was meaning. Of course, Shepard had been a military leader, but she'd also been negotiator, first responder, explorer, infiltrator and operative. "You want her as a diplomat."
Hackett nodded. "We need her as a diplomat. Her alliances are strong, and the other races of the galaxy respect her. She's not a typical diplomat – but this isn't a typical time. There's still going to be conflicts. We need her fierce loyalties and open perception, and her willingness to do right by all to build this galaxy stronger. I doubt the Council will turn down such a strong candidate for such a job; with her Spectre status as well as her military training, she makes herself indispensable as the exact person who will be the voice of reason for all." Hackett smirked slightly. "And you and I know she won't let anyone treat her as a doormat."
"You got that right, sir." Kaidan couldn't help grinning.
Shepard as a diplomat. What a thought. Kaidan considered the possibility carefully. She'd be like no human diplomat before, no soft edges or meek disposition, but a strong and clever negotiator who knew how to see outcomes that others were blind to. She had cured the genophage, united the Geth and Quairans, showed the world that previous threats could now be allies. Rachnai had helped build the Crucible – an insane thought before the war. She'd argue to be in her armour, and armed, most likely; but her words would be her true weapons. And she'd never flinch if she had to face some threat head-on. A warrior of words. Kaidan liked the mental image.
"Do you think Shepard will agree to it, sir?"
"She will when she realizes we're not meaning diplomat in a soft sense. We're meaning a representative of the galaxy who will go where she's needed to help with whatever the issue is – mercenaries, territorial disputes. All the purely political stuff can be left to those already in the positions, but we need someone with the ability and fortitude to take action on a whim when it's needed. We need a negotiator who will put aside past perceptions, and she's proven an aptitude for that already. We need someone who will walk through an active combat zone just to talk."
Done that more than once already, too Kaidan thought with a small smile. "And with her Spectre jurisdiction, she becomes a symbol for everyone, not committed solely to one side."
"Exactly, Major. The Alliance can furnish her with what she needs, and she can keep her rank as an honourific but for other intents and purposes she'll be on service leave. Intents and purposes, such as military responsibilities, needing to follow orders and procedures to the Alliance military code, being required to deploy, that sort of thing."
Kaidan considered the proposal for a moment, before realising it sounded very familiar. "Admiral, are you saying that Shepard can, in essence, continue on as she has been? Ragtag crew saving and strengthening the galaxy?"
"In a way, though this is that little bit more official, seeing as there is no current overarching mission." Hackett shifted slightly. "The Normandy will be repaired and emblazoned as a diplomatic vessel. She'll need a flight and engineering crew of course, but I don't think they will be hard to come by. I'm sure Flight Lieutenant Moreau doesn't want to be parted with the ship he's piloted for the last few years," he added dryly, "...and Engineer Adams would unlikely be at home anywhere else."
Nodding to himself, Kaidan knew every member of the Normandy crew would jump at the chance to serve again with Shepard, albeit in more peaceful circumstances. They were a family, and she was their heart and soul. She'd always been eager to get to know her crew as friends rather than just rank designations or workers aboard the Normandy, and it was clear in the seamless way the ship functioned.
Hackett tapped softly on the table to gain Kaidan's attention. Snapping back to the moment, Kaidan smiled in apology, noticing how the Admiral was watching him closely. "If Shepard is going to be a diplomat and representative of humanity, officially that is, then she's going to need security. Maybe a marine in the capacity of a bodyguard would be a good fit."
A bodyguard for Shepard? There was no way in the galaxy that Admiral Hackett actually believed Shepard needed an honest-to-rights bodyguard. This woman had saved the galaxy three times, ran headlong into highly dangerous territory in any and every mission, and killed enemies without blinking. She had proven beyond any doubt that she could take care of herself, was clear and adept at conflict on the fly, and didn't let anything – not even death – stop her. Her needing a bodyguard didn't make any senses…unless it was merely for show. A thought suddenly crystallised in Kaidan's mind. If it was for show, to give him an excuse to stay with her…did Hackett mean...? His heart leapt. "Sir?"
The Admiral watched him evenly, betraying nothing. "An accomplished and skilled soldier, on a long-term special assignment for the Alliance Navy. It would make sense, wouldn't it, Major?" Hackett breathed deeply, seemingly in thought. "Maybe even someone with biotic talent, or with similar diplomatic clearance to Shepard herself?"
Kaidan wasn't sure if he was meant to reply to the question, so he stayed quiet and looked expectantly at the Admiral, aware his face was giving away everything. So much for staying professional and cool…
Hackett leaned forward, almost conspiratorially. "I don't suppose you would be interested in such a position, Major Alenko?"
Kaidan swallowed the lump in his throat. "Sir, I would be honoured."
Admiral Hackett grunted in agreement. "I thought as much."
Thoughts were piling up in Kaidan's head as his mind worked a mile a minute. If he was to be assigned to her specifically with the excuse of being a bodyguard (damn right he'd guard that body, she was his alone), and she wasn't bound by Alliance regs as she wasn't on active duty, then she would be able to follow her heart – openly, to where it already belonged, with him. From his point of view, she'd not be an Alliance officer. There would be no rule breaking, and they would be able to relax. They'd have to keep it professional when it was called for, but he wouldn't have to sneak out of her cabin anymore. They'd be able to admit to all their friends what was already fairly common knowledge. This was not only a way to be together more openly, this was a way to a future without one of them having to take the fall or compromise on their career.
But there was one thing. "I don't suppose we can guess how long Shepard will be helping people pick up the pieces. But what if she wishes to come back to a command, Admiral? When it feels right?"
"When, and if, the question of her reinstatement is brought before us…Brass," Hackett cracked a small smile at the term, "It would make sense that her return to full service would take into account any…personal developments from the intervening years and accommodate those, as during that time she was not under our command. She would, of course, be made aware that her duties would need to come first, and would have to agree to avoid conflicts of interest wherever possible."
So the Admiral had considered this too, evidently. Kaidan had always admired the man, but right now he couldn't believe how much careful language and how many technicalities had gone into this dialogue of Hackett's. "You're saying, Admiral, that her and I can openly be together?"
"I'm saying, Major Alenko, that should she develop a serious personal relationship with an active member of the Alliance while on service leave, then when she became active again herself it would be recognised by those of higher rank and perhaps deemed…reasonable. Provided, of course, both parties agreed to keep their conduct professional while on mission and in command. Also," Hackett added after a moment, "her Spectre position would continue regardless of her Alliance status, and I'm sure Spectres have different regulations."
Kaidan couldn't quite believe what he was hearing. "Admiral…did you just give me permission to, ah, court Shepard?"
"I did nothing of the sort, Alenko. I implied you were mature enough to handle this yourselves, and provided information in regards to a potential situation concerning Shepard's personal life." Hackett's voice was stern but there was a flicker of amusement on his face. This was the way around it, a way to force the hand of the Brass – if they wanted Shepard back in active duty after her diplomacy assignments, then they would be forced to recognise and accept their relationship. After all, it had happened when Shepard couldn't be held to Alliance regulations. Technically. Hackett must care for Shepard more than he let on usually. That being said, Kaidan had usually seen him in regards to wartime discussions and reports, and there hadn't exactly been much time for expressions of affection aside from the usual hurried wishes for Shepard to be careful.
"Also, Major – I'm sure Spectres are expected to know when they're crossing a line on an assignment. As I've said, neither you nor Shepard are exactly typical Alliance officers now."
Kaidan didn't say it, but he had actually checked one idle day to see if there were fraternisation regulations in the Spectre guidelines. Turns out, there weren't. He'd never told Shepard this, aware she'd tease him for being "by the book", but he'd done it out of curiosity more than anything else. He had decided long ago that Shepard was worth any risk that breaking a regulation could bring.
Admiral Hackett leaned back in his chair. "The Councillors should have been alerted to Shepard's status and condition by now. An Extranet release will be sent in a few hours."
"Admiral, can I ask a favour?" Kaidan tried not to shift under Hackett's unrelenting stare. "Don't let the report get caught up in diplomatic language. Tell it plain – that Shepard was found in a critical condition days ago and it's been touch and go while she was in intensive care. Everyone deserves the truth, Shepard most of all. " He paused, wondering how far he could push his luck. "I'd also request the crew of the Normandy be alerted before the rest of the galaxy. After all we've been through, they deserve to be told personally. They were all devastated when Shepard was lost."
Hackett was silent for a moment, before nodding. "I'll leave it to you to alert them, and you may do so as soon as this meeting is over. I think it is best coming from you, Major. As Executive Officer of the last mission, as you said before." There was a slight twinkle in Hackett's eye and Kaidan suspected the Admiral was making fun of him. Admiral Hackett, hero of the Alliance, was teasing him.
"I believe we're discussed all that needs to be said. I hope you can now understand why this meeting interrupted your visit, Alenko," Hackett stood, picking up his hat from the table. "I think it would be best for you to tell Shepard what we've spoken about when she wakes; her debriefing will happen at a later date and I personally think she should be aware of the basics before then. She'll listen to you without thinking it's an order."
Kaidan nodded, standing to shake the Admiral's offered hand. "Thank you, Admiral. For everything."
Hackett eyed him good-naturedly. "You're a good man, Alenko. An outstanding officer. And Shepard is a remarkable woman. You're a good match. I have no doubt that you will excel at your new assignments." Hackett paused before he reached the closed door. "By the way, Major – her name was Olivia."
"Olivia, Sir?" Kaidan tried to not let his confusion show on his face.
"We met when she was in basic, but she soon decided that being a marine wasn't her path. Her interests and skills lay elsewhere, allowing her to serve the Alliance in a support capacity, and one that wasn't…bound by fraternisation regulations. Civilian Engineer Hackett is still fierce with a wrench."
Keeping his smile to himself, Kaidan saluted as the Admiral left the room, the two Alliance officers outside the door falling neatly into step behind him as he made his way down the corridor. Kaidan watched them go, as Dr Chakwas appeared in the middle distance and spoke briefly with Hackett – probably updating him on Shepard's progress, Kaidan suspected. He smiled to himself, making a mental note to find Chakwas later and thank her personally for helping him to be here. Even now the good doctor was looking out for both he and Shepard – a bottle of Serrin Ice Brandy might be an idea…if he could find one somewhere in the chaos.
His thoughts had taken him out to the corridor. He turned away from the path the Admiral had taken and continued on, towards a nondescript door further down the hallway. The glass pane set in the door itself showed little of the room beyond, besides covered windows and the end of a bed beyond. He wasn't sure what he would find within, but this was the reason he was here. The reason his heart rate hadn't seemed to fully calm down since he arrived. Shepard.
Kaidan took a deep breath and opened the door. The room beyond was dimly lit, but he could see a figure in the bed before him. His heart twisted as he began to discern the various tubes and IVs that connected Shepard to various machines around the bed. She was heavily bandaged over most of her body, and her face was covered in grazes and lacerations – around one eye was already a spectacular dark shade of purple and swollen. Her right knee was swathed in a bundle of cloth and propped up on a pillow – Kaidan assumed that under the bandages was a large medigel pack, helping to stabilise what it could after the surgery that had been performed for reconstruction of the knee itself. There were more medigel patches along her arms, and another large one on her left shoulder. Kaidan moved closer, taking in the sight. She was a mess. But, she was here. She was alive.
Distractedly, he brought up his omitool and activated her medical chart through the access point on the end of her bed. The doctor's assessments gave some small indication as to how much she had been through. No visible head injury (helmet missing) though shattered visor(?) suspected to have caused lacerations to face. Trauma to brow bone. Fractured collar bone. Spinal cord intact, no lasting damage. Four cracked ribs, another two broken. Suspected punctured lung found to be trauma, repaired. Generalised bruising and internal trauma, no heavy internal bleeding observed. Deep cuts and burns on arms, for medigel treatment. Right knee shattered and in need of reconstruction (scheduled tomorrow). Burns to legs.
It was a hell of a wrap sheet. Kaidan sighed to himself as he glanced around the room, spying a chair. As he went to drag it closer to the bed, he realised that the shadowy pile beside it was actually the remnants of Shepard's armour. He almost didn't recognise the blackened and burned pieces of what he'd come to know so well – her signature custom colouring, a deep crimson, was all but a memory as the paint was almost entirely scorched away. It was a testament to what Shepard had suffered, without him. Kaidan had always hated the idea of her going on alone into the unknown, and he sighed heavily to himself.
His last memory of her was battleworn but fierce, as she all but forced him onto the Normandy to evacuate during their mad run to the beam of light that would transport whoever touched it to the Citadel. Her armour had been dirty but not charred, love for him burning in her eyes as she sent him away. He had watched her go, his heart breaking as she ran to her objective, thinking of everyone else rather than herself. His warrior goddess, his one and only, his noble Commander. Compared to that scarlet-haired, determined heroine, the figure in the bed was a poor comparison. Pale and injured, Shepard's breaths were shallow as she slept deeply in the medically induced coma. The fire that burned bright in her during battle was all but embers now as she rested. Does she know subconsciously that she is safe, with friends? Kaidan found himself wondering. Does she know that it's over, that whatever she did destroyed the Reapers and saved us once again?
He quietly sat at her bedside, listening to the ongoing beeping of the various monitors hooked into Shepard. "Shepard? Kira? I'm here."
She didn't respond. Kaidan hadn't expected her to, as much as he wished she would – Chakwas had met him when he arrived and briefly explained that Shepard's induced coma was due to be reversed in the next 24 hours. He would be here when she opened her eyes, but it wasn't something to be rushed. Kaidan reached out and gently took her unresponsive hand in his. It felt cool to the touch as he ran his thumb over callouses caused by excessive use of her sniper rifle. "Come back to me, Kira," he murmured. "I'm here, like I promised."
He didn't know how long it would take Shepard to wake, let alone be in a good enough condition to speak with him for any extended period of time. He also didn't know what she had been through, and while she was the only one who could tell him with any certainty, it wasn't going to be the first subject to be broached. Shepard…Kira…had been through enough. She had walked away from warzones unharmed, achieved the impossible, come back from the dead – and somehow had mentally and physically survived it all. This time, Kaidan guessed, would be different. This was going to be a longer and more difficult recovery than she had been through previously.
That didn't matter to him, though. He'd be with her every step of the way and he would help her find her way back from whatever horrors she had witnessed. Whatever she needed, he would provide. It was about time, too – she was always saving everyone, putting her crew and friends above her own wellbeing. Anyone else might have evacuated themselves onto the Normandy during the beam run when the opportunity had presented itself. But not Shepard, who made sure everyone was safe and said those words to him one last time before dashing off to do what was needed.
Kaidan knew she'd never thought of herself as a hero, though. She just saw what was necessary and did it. If someone else was going to do it, then that was fine with her and she'd provide support. But when no one else would step forward, she'd run in guns blazing. As far as he knew, Kira had never personally looked for thanks or recognition for her actions, and tended to shrug them off if confronted by them. This, he supposed, would be no different. If only she could see herself though his eyes, see what an amazing woman she was.
This time, everyone else that would provide the support. He knew Garrus and Tali were already on their way, having dropped everything in response to his message of Shepard's survival and would be here within a day. Liara was coming as well, and almost everyone else had promised to visit the hospital in the next few weeks when their own duties and post-war responsibilities allowed. She'd been their hero long enough – this time, it was their turn to do everything for her, to go above and beyond what was necessary, to pick her up.
Kaidan squeezed her hand gently, eyes roaming over the various medigel packs and bandages that currently adorned Kira Shepard. She might not have got through this fiasco unscathed, but he'd be damned if she was going to carry all her scars, emotional and physical, through the rest of her life on her own. And the first step to that was to not leave her side until she woke. After the immediate threat to her wellbeing was over, they could decide what their future held.
As much as it was something that Kaidan had often daydreamed about, they had been careful never to set any post-war plans in stone. Suggestions and wishes had been discussed (Kira wanted a ship's cat), but never anything more concrete – after all, it had been highly likely one or both of them wasn't going to make it back. Shepard had almost paid that price, and Kaidan blinked away the tears as the last memory he had of her rose in his mind's eye – pushing him into Garrus' arms, telling him she would always love him, forcing him to leave her side. Never again. He'd told her as much on the Citadel, and she's smiled broadly at the suggestion of never knowing what she would do without him as she never would be.
But when it mattered most, she had been alone. Kaidan smiled sadly to himself, as he leant forward to rest his head on the bed beside her, his head pillowed by his free hand. Gently, he kissed the fingertips of the hand he still held. A small voice in the back of his head warned him that this position was likely to murder his back, but he'd gladly trade a small degree of backache to feel the first twitch of her fingers. Please come back to me.
Resting beside her in the silence, Kaidan suddenly realized how exhausted he was. The sudden relief of her being found alive, the subsequent anger at not being told immediately, the tension-filled conversation with Hackett – the day had certainly been draining. Yet, it had also been filled with hope – and the path he could see before him, Shepard and him against the galaxy, brought him joy. Not needing to hide their relationship, travelling the stars (almost) at their own discretion, helping and setting wrongs right. And, each night, her curling into bed beside him, her skin warm against his. Then hours later, waking to see those bright blue eyes staring back at him with a smile. The feel of her in his arms, her hands around his neck and fingers entwining in his hair as her head rested against his shoulder. Honest joys.
Even as his grip tightened on Shepard's hand, the mere thought of such simple bliss was enough to envelope Kaidan in sleep, as he fell into dreams of Shepard's smile. I'll always be at your side.