This was originally going to be a This One Meeting chapter, but then I added in a lot of Subsection AU and…since I can't add this to DiverCity, this one's a one-shot. And just to reassure you, Mpreg ain't possible here in the DCAU. It's just adoption.
This was inspired by a WhatsApp conversation with Featherhooves.
DISCLAIMER: I only own my OCs. Hetalia belongs to Hima-papa. Epic Rap Battles of History belongs to ERB on YouTube.
I am posting this today because you might need a laugh after reading all 'em fics based on today 17 years ago. I just want to lighten the mood a little, but before we move on, let us have a moment of silence for the fallen. May they rest in peace.
*cricket cricket*
*squashes cricket* Dammit you pest! Do you have no respect?
WARNING: Possible offensive content, censored foul language, suggestiveness and yaoi (BL/gay shipping). If that is not your thing, click the 'back' button before you begin. No biggie for you? Enjoy!
For some reason, some of the Nations gathered up in the Central and Western duo's flat (A/N: American translation: apartment) after a World Meeting. Seriously, not even I know why, and I'm writing this. Unlike most of the others' flats, theirs was spacious enough to hold everyone present, which included…the G12, the Alpine siblings (by adoption), Greece, Austria, Hungary and all of the Bauhinia 22. Don't even ask why that was possible, because it's not, really. Only the super-rich can afford big houses, and despite being the second richest district, Vicky and Lewis were not that showing-off/over-the-top type.
It was chaotic (as always), until they turned to Autumn, who was watching Epic Rap Battles of History on her silver Samsung laptop.
A lot of bullets were fired at the end of the one she was watching, and a lot of blood spilt. At that, she had already noticed that everyone else was watching, so she wordlessly clicked on Skrillex vs Mozart.
A couple of minutes later, let's just say that most of them were on Mozart's side…Austria included, of course - if he didn't support Mozart, who would he be? Oh, and I actually had no idea who Skrillex is before watching this vid on YouTube myself. But then again, I've barely heard of dubstep music, let alone indulge in it. (A/N: Honest.)
Two rap battles later, the announcer, well duh, announced, "Joan of Arc…"
"Jeanne d'Arc," a certain someone in the audience of Personifications corrected. Three guesses who. "Versus…" the announcer continued, despite the interruption/correction, "Miley Cyrus."
Throughout that one, that certain someone was pretty much death glaring at the screen by the time Miley Cyrus' first verse was over…which was unfortunate, because she had a second verse. Of course, that's completely justified, due to said glarer's identity.
How that one ended was Joan - no, Jeanne being patriotic. No guesses who the unanimous winner to that one was. Honestly, what were the creators thinking, putting a stone-cold badass up against a modern musical artist who I barely know of? Then again, I'm not the centre of the universe. But still.
The Donald Trump vs Hillary Clinton battle was…well, while they were trying to out-rap each other, half the Nations were glaring at either one of them…or both of them until near the ending…
"YES!" Well, in case you don't know what just happened in the video, and can't be bothered to watch it, spoiler alert: 'Lincoln' swooped in on a giant bald eagle. Which. Is. F**king. Awesome.
Honest.
And after a lot of ranting came the just-as-glorious part: "…OF THE PEOPLE!" Onscreen-Lincoln b-slapped onscreen-Trump while yelling at 'Clinton'. "BY THE PEOPLE!" And 'Lincoln' b-slapped 'Trump' again. "FOR THE PEOPLE! EAGLE!" And did I mention that America shouted the words with his 'ex-president'…and leapt up at the final word…and…"OW! Where'd my chair go?" Of course, all the other seats were occupied (because of course they were), and Vicky was yelling at Britney for using magic "like that", and that she (Vicky) had to ask for IKEA discounts from their siblings again. Don't ask.
Never mind that she forgot about Britney's own IKEA branch.
Obviously, the only apparent solutions to that issue, other than the floor or standing (because everywhere else – including sofa/armchair arms and backs – was occupied), were – gasp! – sharing a chair or using someone else's lap as a cushion.
He chose the latter, somehow letting an arm curl around him like a seat belt. "So much for complaining about our PDA," Canada muttered.
Then came the Eastern Philosophers vs Western Philosophers (aka Lao Tzu, Sun Tzu and Confucius VS Ni-what-the-f**k-is-this, Socrates and Voltaire). Which is, in Nation terms, China versus Prussia…and France. Greece was supposed to take his mama's place, but y'know…HE'S STILL F**KING ASLEEP DAMMIT! It was alright…until spoiler alert: both sides turned on themselves, causing China to double-facepalm. ("Aiyah, those báichī…")
The next one up was…"Alexander the Great…versus…Ivan the Terrible!" (Le sigh ~ the pronunciation was totally butchered!) 'Alexander' was 'poisoned', because history's bound to repeat itself, isn't it? Then the legit sound of a flute playing – by the man onscreen - came on. For obvious reasons, Prussia was beaming.
"Old! Fritz! Old! Fritz! Old! Fritz! Old! Fritz!" he chanted with the vid's audio…until he started rapping, sat down in a chair…and died. Now that was anti-climatic. At least he went out with the dignity of going out on his own accord, instead of being beheaded by a garrote wire. Just seconds later, this guy called Pompey popped up. The man on the screen was grinning like a dramatic maniac…until his head was replaced by deep red liquid…and said head went missing. Blame yet another garrote wire. Cue the laughter…and the gasps of horror and shock…and the kol-ing.
According to the woman singing, Macedonians, Pryssians and Romans "weren't worthy opponents". "HEY!" Prussia immediately started cursing and declaring the female who said – sang – that as "forever on his unawesome list". South Italy was too shouting extremely rude phrases that would permanently land him on Santa's naughty list (thank God Finland's not there), while his little brother was trying to calm him down. Trying being the key word – Lovi only yelled louder.
Germany covered his ears. Austria and Hungary covered each other's ears. Switzerland also covered Liechtenstein's ears at once, because #CinnamonRollProtectionSquad. And Nathan learnt some new vocabulary that evening.
To her, that was because "it takes a Russian to take down a Russian". One look at Russia himself was enough proof to see that he had happily changed sides. They let 'Catherine the Great' roast on, except until "like Alaska 'cos I settled it" and for some reason, there was suddenly a soft knock at the door at that. "D-did somebody say my name?" asked what sounded like a young girl.
Ten seconds later, a white-haired, blue-eyed girl with the appearance on an eight-year-old entered the slightly cramped living room, an Alaskan malamute (A/N: the Alaskan state pet/dog) trotting at her heels. One would wonder how she even got there that fast, but that's not the point. "'Sup, Winnie?"
"Hi, Daddy! Privyet, Papa!" (A/N: Please tell me if I translated it wrongly…)
3…
2…
1…
"WHAT?!" half the room shouted.
England was spluttering out incomprehensible words, France was laughing (because of course that's the case), Philip had already lost consciousness…yeah, the reactions varied, but two things were for sure: Hungary handing Japan some money, and the latter flipping through a sketchbook and grabbing a pencil from who-knows-where.
As evryone wasn't watching it, the rap battle ignored it, as Hungary brought out the 'visualizer' and the equipment to show everyone exactly what was going on in those filthy, filthy minds, and everyone else in the room snapped.
Winnie's eyes were promptly covered by her uncle who lived next door to her (in the metaphorical sense). Switzerland covered Liechtenstein's eyes, like he just covered her ears a couple of minutes back, because no, his little sister Erika did not have to see this. Dexter, being the protective big brother that he was, shielded Emily and Nathan's eyes too, like he did from the tiger over a hundred and fifty years ago. (A/N: That'll be covered in a future story/DiverCity chapter.) Both Owen and Vicky had, each, put a hand over Lewis' eyes to ensure that he could not witness the horror. China was trying – and failing – to cover Hong Kong's eyes, who had placed a hand over Willow's eyes – she's the second youngest. As for the youngest, Skye – she could handle herself. In fact, she was pinching her nose with some Tempo tissues, eyes glued to the 'screen'.
The rest of the Bauhinia 22 had simply left the room, led by Arlene. As a matter of fact, most of everyone else were either on the receiving end of covered eyes, or looking away. Even poor America himself was covering his own eyes, wondering why he had an intense yaoi fanboy for a bestie.
Russia simply kol-ed again and smiled in a way that seemed like part of Winnie's 'curious' expression, and would be considered sweet if everyone else didn't know better. "Do you want some live demonstration here, da?"
The effects were instantaneous. "NO!" Pretty much everyone shouted...the only exceptions being the three Yaoi Club members in the room, with Skye mysteriously whispering "maybe?" and the other two more well-known ones joining in on the nose-pinching, their tissues already fast staining scarlet. Russia's grin only widened in the most innocent way possible…of course, innocent only to the ones that didn't know better. And he pulled a Grampy Rabbit – or a Mr. Gnome, whichever you prefer:
"I'll take that as a yes."
And he freaking dragged the guy not-so-coincidentally on his lap into the guest room. At that, all the other Personifications joined the already-left portion of the Bauhinia 22 in the lobby of the flat building. "Uncle Matthew, why are we leaving? What are Daddy and Papa doing?"
"Just go, Winnie. Just go."
After they reached said lobby, Skye whispered in Hungary's ear, "HK$20,000 for the footage." (A/N: At the exchange rate as of my time of writing this, that's approximately US$2,548, and even more than the median monthly income in HK.)
"Deal."
"Wait, Wong Hoi-Lam Skylar, you put cameras in our flat?" Oops, looks like Vicky overheard that. "Just in the guest room! Who wants to see their siblings' private parts? That's sickening! And it's not Skylar, it's just Skye!"
A/N: What Vicky called Skye is her full name. Wong is the surname, Hoi-Lam is the Romanization of her Chinese name, and Skylar is her full English name. That's the structure of most HKer names nowadays (as in kids), with or without the English name. Without the Chinese name Romanization is pretty rare, but I have that unusual variant.
The reason why Skye is in the Yaoi Club is because on one of the islands in her domain, Cheung Chau, teens often rent a room, have some beer and lose their virginity. Philip fainted because he agrees strongly with some traditions (not sexist traditions, thank God), and this includes homophobia…a lot of the older locals do too. I honestly hope that we can change that. At least we'll be hosting the Gay Games in 2022.
So here are some tissues if you are dealing with a nosebleed *gives tissues*, and reviews are greatly appreciated. I hope this lightened your mood for today a little. TTFN, and see you on Saturday, HK time!
-MN
Edit: I removed the lyrics and did some minor editing. The only actual content from the vid left are the intros, which is more like their titles and not content. Thank you to an unnamed Guest for reminding me not to bust the rules again. Here's a cookie for you for that. (::)
P.S. I know of others who break the rules. Why do I seem to be the only target in this rulebreaker sweep?
Edit #2 (26-9-2018): Added an extra sentence and corrected some minor mistakes in spelling and punctuation.