To Have and To Hold
By Jemmiah
She had shocked him. Even amidst the subdued lighting of her apartment she could tell that her words had struck him like a bolt from the blue.
Why has this come as a surprise, Jemmiah wondered, watching the incredulity extend until Obi-Wan's jaw hung in slack astonishment. Surely he must have known? He must have guessed after all this time? But one look at the dismay in his eyes told Jemmy she had misjudged the situation badly.
Rela had warned her to be up-front with him and she had, typically, delayed the moment repeatedly - afraid to hurt the one person in the galaxy she cared for above all others, with the exception of the man who was partly to blame for her current predicament. The man she had fallen in love with at the expense of the young Jedi Knight who sat before her. The man who had achieved the impossible, and swept her off her feet.
The man she had agreed to marry.
I've given him the wrong impression, she realised with gnawing regret. The lights are low, there's chilled wine in the cooler. We've shared a meal together for the first time in two months…and he expected us to pick up where we left off. What a fool I've been! Rela was right: I should have said something earlier. Although it would have hurt him no matter when I told him, I can see that in his face.
His mouth opened and closed aimlessly, as if the shock had temporarily drained him of the power to speak coherently.
How did he not know? He must have known! Our life together ended months ago…our true relationship died when Qui-Gon was taken from us, and when he brought Anakin back…
"You're getting married?" Obi-Wan repeated numbly.
Jemmiah looked at the floor and nodded. "That's what I said."
"I know that's what you said," mumbled Obi-Wan. "I just can't believe you meant it."
Why is he doing this to me? It's his fault - his stupid padawan's fault! I could have gone on contentedly as we were and then he had to change everything by taking an apprentice! Doesn't he see that? My life has moved on…tough if he doesn't like it! Am I expected to wait around forever for him? What am I to him anyway? I'm nothing more than his 'feather bed' whenever the fancy takes him…that's not how I want my life to be!
"I'm marrying Jonas Suul." Jemmiah twisted a long strand of hair around her index finger, not able to bring herself to look him in the eyes. "In two weeks time on Corellia. Rela's to be my chief bridesmaid."
"Rela knows?" Obi-Wan's disbelief mounted further.
Don't act like this is some great betrayal, Ben…you are the last person I want to hurt. Can't you see how this is paining me? But I have to put you behind me, and if I have to marry Jonas to do it then I will.
"It would be difficult for her to attend the wedding if she didn't know." Jemmy shrugged, her voice suitably subdued. "I'm sorry, Obi-Wan. I've put off telling you for some time. I should have told you months ago but my courage kept failing me…I thought about leaving you a message explaining things but I realised that would be even more callous. Rela kept warning me…" She allowed her voice to trail off piteously.
"Then why didn't she warn me?" Obi-Wan asked in such a quiet, hurt voice that it caused Jemmy's heart to ache. "A clue would have been nice…"
Jemmiah swallowed. "Because it's the sort of information that only I could impart. I couldn't allow Rela to tell you, Ben. That would have spoken even less well of me." In that instant she dared to look up, and found herself staring directly into two confused, sapphire eyes. "You must have guessed…you must have known that our relationship was dead."
"Not dead." Obi-Wan shook his head, denying her words.
"If not dead then positively on its last breath. Obi-Wan," she leaned forwards and reached for his hands, clasping them with her own, "we are in a rut - we have been for over two years. Your life is the Jedi; you've made that quite clear to me. I'm not hurt, or complaining about my luck…not unduly," she amended, thinking of her earlier tirade against Anakin, "because ever since we grew up we've both known that this was how it would be. And for a while I was happy with that…but now I find myself needing more. I need security…I need love!"
Obi-Wan's posture stiffened defensively. "And I didn't love you?"
"Yes, in your own way. But we always knew that if it came down between the Jedi or myself which one would win out: I was under no illusions! That was fine whilst I was content to play a secondary role in your life but now I need to be put first! You aren't able to do that, and so I've found someone who cares enough about me to do so."
Oh, he didn't like that - she could tell! The brooding, frowning expression that leant him his trademark haunted look was back with a vengeance. No doubt he was turning her words over in his mind, trying to see if they were an excuse, or whether he was somehow to blame for this final break-up: delving behind her phraseology in search of some hidden reason. And when he could find nothing he would predictably interrogate her until he found an answer that sounded reasonable.
He wouldn't like the answer she would give him.
"I'm sick of just being your mistress." Jemmiah remarked with more than a tinge of bitterness. "I see you how often? How many days in a month? And I'm supposed to just hang around and wait for you to visit? Did it never occur to you that I might find that unreasonable?"
"It used to suit you just fine." Obi-Wan protested, disliking the emphasis that was being put on to his behaviour.
"But it doesn't now!" Jemmy found herself standing, her arms and body shaking in a mixture of distress, fear…even anger. "I love you but I can't stay with you…I can't live like that! Not anymore…"
"My life hasn't changed in the last few years," Obi-Wan felt obliged to point out with icy coolness, "so what else has?"
"I have!" Jemmy thumbed at her chest. "I've changed! I want to be a part of someone's life…"
"You're a part of my life!" Obi-Wan rebuffed her answer, greatly annoyed.
"It hasn't felt like it! Not since the day you came back from Naboo! Well," Jemmiah tossed her head disdainfully, "Now I'm putting my life in order. I'm marrying Jonas Suul and that's an end to it!"
"You never wanted to marry…you told me that!" Again the disbelief had returned causing Obi-Wan's voice to soar. "We could have married…we could have asked the council. They might have agreed!"
"They wouldn't have and you know it." Jemmy closed her eyes.
"They granted Simeon permission to get engaged to Rela!"
"Simeon's a healer! He stays at the temple: he rarely gets assigned anywhere away from Coruscant. You are rarely on Coruscant! If I'd have married you I would have been lucky to see you once a year!" Jemmiah bit back at him. "My mother put up with a marriage like that and I'll be damned if I'm going to sit around waiting on An-Paj telling me they've recovered your mangled corpse from some hideous space accident. I can't live with the certainty that one day you might not come back! It's killing me!" It almost came out as a wail, but at least Obi-Wan could see that the emotions behind it were genuine. "Besides," she regained her composure slightly; "It would never have worked out between us."
"We'll never know now, will we?" Obi-Wan purposely looked away. "I asked you to marry me twice and you turned me down on both occasions…remember?" He added stiffly. "You told me that you disliked the idea of being tied down to anyone. That's fair enough, Jemmiah…but don't wonder why I find myself suddenly questioning your decision to marry a man I've only ever heard you speak of once in your life!"
The devoted brother has kicked in now, Jemmiah realised. The lover is dead and buried, so now he effortlessly reverts back to his former role. He's going to tell me I can't marry him because he's a scoundrel…an untrustworthy, Corellian gambler, amongst other things. He's going to say I'm too good for him; that Qui-Gon would never approve.
But Obi-Wan stayed surprisingly silent.
"I love him." Jemmiah added simply. "I want to be with him. I need security in my life…but above all things I want to feel needed by someone. And you don't need me, Ben."
That hurt him, she thought, seeing the flash of pain deep within his eyes. I never meant to hurt him. If there had been some other way…if he had left the Jedi then perhaps I could have made a life with him. But his destiny lies with the temple and mine is tied up on Corellia. I've always known it. I have to make this move now, or I might never have the courage or the opportunity to do it again. He has no ties, so he can't truly understand, but my home-planet is calling me…it's willing me to come home.
Obi-Wan stood, his shoulder half turned to her, shielding his face. There seemed as if there was little left to be said, and no point in staying to debate matters further.
"If your mind is made up, then it must be so." Obi-Wan said in his precise, crisp voice. "I hope Jonas realises what a fortunate man he is."
Jemmiah blushed furiously without knowing why. The compliment had been unexpected and, given the manner of his rejection, completely undeserved.
"Thank you." She said through strained, dry vocal chords. "You…you can come to Corellia for the wedding…I mean, if you want…"
He looked at her, a slightly scathing if polite rejection on his lips. "I'm afraid I will most likely have something important to attend to."
It felt like a knife blow, even although Jemmiah knew she had walked straight into it. Did one really ask one's ex-lover to your wedding? Wouldn't it have been worse not to ask him? A small part of her wanted him to plead with her not to enter into a match with Jonas - to beg her not to leave him. If he had, then perhaps it would have been enough to sway the balance back to Obi-Wan. Was she really that fickle? Didn't he know the power he had over her? Or perhaps he did, and was simply too honest to ask.
He shouldered his way into his robe and strode briskly to the door, pausing long enough to gaze momentarily at his friend, as if somehow fixing her in his mind one final time.
"I hope your marriage is successful." He said levelly, his voice not betraying a flicker of emotion. "I hope he doesn't break your heart."
And with that he was gone, leaving Jemmiah staring after him.
"No, Ben. He won't break my heart." She whispered as she stared at the space he had vacated. "I'll leave that to you."