Giggles and Gossip
By: luck33ang3l
Blame the plot bunny. OOCness may occur. Not actually intended.
Itachi swept through the corridors of the Akatsuki base. It was late and he was looking forward to just relaxing on his bed. Even though being Itachi, he would never completely relax. Ah well. At least he had thought about relaxing. And it's the thought that counts, isn't it?
Itachi passed another corridor, turned a corner and stood in front of his and Kisame's room. Hand on the door handle; he froze when he heard voices. He relaxed his caution slightly when he recognised Kisame's voice. Strangely though, he never knew Kisame was one for talking to himself. Naturally curious as he was, Itachi, ever the man of stealth, pressed his ear against the door. Seriously, did you expect him to pass up a chance to listen to his partner talking to himself? The opportunity to eavesdrop on Kisame was rare and he had no intention of not taking it.
Unfortunately, he was disappointed, as it seemed as though Kisame had company. He strained to hear the other voice properly. Oh, it was Deidara. Hang on, what the hell was Kisame doing, talking to Deidara? In their room of all places. Interested, Itachi listened closely.
"So what were you going to tell us, un?" asked Deidara.
"You'll never believe it," Kisame told them.
"Just hurry up and tell us," said an unidentified voice.
Wait, was that...Zetsu?
"Anyway, what are you doing here Sasori?" asked Zetsu.
Sasori?!
"I heard a rumour," replied Sasori, nonchalantly.
Since when did Kisame gossip?
"Why are you here Hidan? And you too Kakuzu?" asked Kisame.
What the hell? Did I miss out on the invitation?
"Same as Sasori," said Hidan in a bored tone.
"Are you going to tell us or not? I have business soon," Kakuzu informed Kisame.
"Ok, ready?" asked Kisame.
Itachi held his breath. Intrigued, he pressed his ear even harder against the door.
"Guess what Itachi -,"
"That cold freak," interrupted Deidara. "Not to mention apathetic and frigid, un!"
"He has no fucking personality whatsoever," commented Hidan.
"Don't forget heartless."
"That's a bit rich coming from you Sasori," remarked Zetsu.
"And right back at you Zetsu. You happen to eat people if you haven't noticed."
"Well at least I don't kill people to eat. I merely dispose of the corpse."
"I don't kill people to eat either."
"You kill the people to turn into puppets."
"All for the better. They should feel honoured. Besides, I limit myself. Unlike some people who have no control over their temper."
"I refuse to be dragged into this mindless banter."
"What's wrong Kakuzu? Not so good with words?"
"I happen to be fluent in 11 different languages, Hidan."
"This obviously has something to do with the gaining of money I presume?"
"Money comes in different forms and requires different acquisition methods. I would assume you know this Sasori."
"Oh, I do. Puppet parts don't just grow on trees you know."
"Unless they're made of wood, un!"
"Don't try to be smart, Deidara."
"Look, do you want to hear the rest or not?" asked Kisame, looking rather irritated.
"Go on then," said Zetsu.
"You won't believe what Itachi did on Tuesday," said Kisame in a hushed voice.
What did I do on Tuesday?
Itachi frantically tried to recall the day's events.
"I was honestly shocked. It was...disturbing," said Kisame after a moment.
"Hurry up and spit it out, un!"
"I mean I wasn't even doing anything. There wasn't even anything happening that could've caused it..."
"Come on Kisame!"
"It just came out of nowhere. I mean seriously, who the hell would do that for no reason at all?"
"Now Kisame. We're all sitting in the dark here."
"We were just standing there and he suddenly goes and does...that."
"GET TO THE POINT KISAME. NOW!"
"Okay, okay," said Kisame. He took a deep breath.
Meanwhile, Itachi was furiously trying to remember. What had he done that day?
Think, Itachi, think...
"Itachi and I were standing in the field, waiting for Zetsu with a message from the Leader," started Kisame.
Oh yes. I remember thatwhat was so significant about that?
"And then, all of a sudden, Itachi -," Kisame paused for a moment.
Standing in the field, standing in the field...then what?! Okay, calm down and think. Think. THINK!
"Look, just to warn you, this might...er...alarm you."
"JUST – SPIT – IT – OUT," said Sasori, through gritted teeth.
Wait...I remember something...something vague...
"Itachi..." Kisame stopped again for dramatic purposes.
I remember! I remember that I... Itachi's face fell. Oh, crap.
"...giggled," finished Kisame, a huge smile plastered across his face.
Silence.
Stunned faces.
Vivid mental images.
Not pretty.
Sasori was the first to move. He coughed slightly, a rather disturbing image burned into his mechanical memory.
Kakuzu's eyes were looking a little glazed over. It seemed as if he too had suffered from his imagination.
Hidan looked as though Jashin-sama has just commanded him to do the hokey-pokey.
Zetsu appeared to be frozen in tundra.
Deidara was gagging. All three mouths.
Itachi let out a suffering sigh. Of all the cold-hearted, murdering bastards in the world, why him?
And Kisame? Well he just looked relatively pleased with himself.
After a few minutes, Kakuzu managed to come out of his stupor.
Hidan took a deep, shuddering breath.
Sasori shook his head to clear himself of the horror.
Zetsu unfroze.
Deidara busied himself by chewing clay. And was only vaguely aware all three mouths were chewing the clay.
Itachi, ear still pressed against the door, merely sighed again feeling sorry for his poor, beaten, abused reputation. Or what was left of it.
"Kisame, please do not say that again," shuddered Sasori.
"The word 'Itachi' and...'giggled' (everyone shivered) do not go together," Zetsu grimaced.
"Itachi is one cracked mass murderer," muttered Kakuzu.
Everyone nodded solemnly.
"I don't think Itachi needs to know of the contents of this night," mentioned Kisame.
"I agree," said everyone in unison.
"I don't think I can look the Uchiha in the face after this," swallowed Sasori.
Mutual agreement all around.
Funny how a giggling Uchiha could bring unity to a band of evil, homicidal ninjas.
"I need to go pray," announced Hidan.
"Where is Itachi anyway, un?" asked Deidara through a mouthful of clay.
Hidan opened the door...question answered.
Itachi crashed to the floor in an undignified manner. It was obvious that his ear had been pressed against the door and had therefore been eavesdropping.
Kisame winced.
Zetsu made a strangled noise, while Sasori appeared to be choking.
Kakuzu stared at the Uchiha on the floor and Hidan was looking blankly at the door.
Deidara chewed his clay furiously.
Their lives flashed before their eyes.
Itachi rolled over on to his back, gazing at the six unnerved S-rank ninja. His arms were folded deftly over his chest and the tomoe in his eyes spun around lazily.
"Make a note. I do not giggle..." said Itachi softly. Threat of a year in Tsukuyomi lay swirling beneath his words.
Everyone gulped. Itachi blinked.
"...I chuckle," said Itachi in a matter-of-fact tone.
A.N: Hate it? Love it? Couldn't care less? Please let me know.