"I still don't get how drunk Jeopardy doesn't count as disrespecting it, Ames. Making a drinking game seems like the most disrespectful thing we could do."
"Drunk Jeopardy is an homage, Jake. Nothing disrespectful about that," she told him, but he wasn't buying it. She had all these rules about what she allowed during a regular viewing (pretty much only answers, he could make guesses but he wasn't allowed to start a conversation about something unrelated until the commercial break) and what she considered sacrilegious when watching that week's episode. But all bets were off when they were playing drunk Jeopardy.
"Did you just make up a word to win an argument with me? I can't believe you would do that. Shame on you, Amy. What would Alex Trebek say?"
She rolled her eyes as they set up the living room for another yet another night of drinking games. Really they just stacked up a bunch of pillows beside each other a laid down on the floor like they were having a sleepover, but that was basically like setting up the game board for their original and ingenious homage to the show.
Drunk Jeopardy was a drinking game that Amy and Jake invented. Normally Jeopardy was sacred to Santiago, and she got way too worked up about it and screamed at the TV when someone got an answer wrong like she was watching a sports game that she had money riding on. He wasn't allowed to crack jokes then. But drunk Jeopardy was special. 95% of the time they watched it sober and Amy was a maniac. But whenever they just wanted to get really hammered they'd challenge each other to a game of drunk Jeopardy.
They made up the rules so they'd get drunk in pretty much the easiest way possible, but still making it fun. It was easy to cheat, but there wasn't any point in cheating cause no one could win since the goal of the game was to get them both hammered.
The rules were pretty simple.
Every time Jake got an answer wrong, they took a swig. Every time Amy got an answer right, they took a swig. Every time Jake got an answer right they both had to down a bottle. Every time Amy got an answer wrong they both had to down a bottle.
That's all there was to it.
It wasn't always easy to tell which drink Amy was when they were playing drunk Jeopardy (they used beer cause they would die of alcohol poisoning if they did anything harder considering their trivia skills and the rules- the point was to have fun, not die). During a whole episode the alcohol didn't hit her in countable drinks all at once since they were more or less sipping for most of it. Sometimes she never even got up to four-drink Amy by the end of the episode, so it wasn't something they could keep count of.
He never knew if four-drink Amy was gonna make an appearance in a game, but when she did show up, did she make a bang.
"Hey Jake," Amy elbowed him with a grin on her face half way through the episode. They were lying on the ground next to each other with pillows stacked up behind them in front of the TV with beer bottles strewn about on the floor. It got a lot harder to count what drink she was on because they usually lost track of which bottle was who's and just ended up taking swigs from the same bottle and cracking open a new one when they finished it (and if they had to both down a bottle they both opened a new one and then went back to their shared one when sipping started again).
"Hey what?" He lolled his head to the side with a giggle and almost banged into her face sending them both into giggles as he scooted back to make room for their super close, super drunk conversation.
"Did you know everyone seems a whole lot less smart on this show when you picture their genitals?"
"What?" He laughed and tried to make sense of her comment, but he couldn't even find where to begin how that string of words made sense to Amy's drunk mind.
"No, I'm serious. For realz. Just... just picture it a sec," she paused for what he would have assumed would be for dramatic effect if she didn't hiccup and then go right back on to her drunk off her ass speech. "You can't take anyone seriously when you think about their junk. Alex Trebek? He's got the nice fancy suit and all serious face and proper and has all the right answers, but think about it. His penis is up on that stage with him."
"You're crazy. What? Why would you ever want to do that?"
It was the most absurd thing he had ever heard. Why would anyone ever even consider doing that? Now Amy put the picture in his mind and he would have been overjoyed to go his whole life without ever having pictured a 75 year old guy's penis, but Amy forced that picture in his head and he couldn't get it out.
"Some people seem really important," Amy justified her reasoning with a loose arm and a waving finger held out to the sky like she was lecturing the people who lived in the apartment upstairs. When she wasn't. She was lecturing Jake on the value of picturing old people's junk. She rolled over so she was facing him with pink cheeks and bright eyes, "And sophisticated," she jabbed his chest with her finger to drive her point home. "But everybody is just a person with sex parts. Instead of being starstruck if you just picture their private parts, like actually think about it, they're just normal people. Neil Armstrong? His penis was on that spaceship. Mother Theresa had a vagina her whole life. Every time Obama gets on TV and talks super serious about war and president words, his penis is right below the podium addressing the nation. Sure looks important and intimidating with serious face and like he knows what to do and stuff, but if you think about it, he's got a penis just like you and me."
Jake couldn't help but laugh at that. He must be drunker than he thought for him to actually see her point. Amy's genital argument was actually making sense to his alcohol addled brain, but he knew it shouldn't. He knew that Amy's drunk theory about Alex Trebek's penis as she dictated it to him when they were sprawled on the ground surrounded by bottles should not have any sway, but it did. They weren't even trying to answer the questions on the show anymore and Alex Trebek and his penis asking questions on the TV was more of just background noise since they were both sufficiently hammered and couldn't pay attention even if they wanted to. Since they were stacked up on pillows, Jake figured that this conversation could technically be considered pillow talk, and he was too entertained with the idea to remind Amy that she didn't have a penis like she just claimed.
"He's just a normal person. Just cause he's the president doesn't mean he's better than anybody else, because when you think about it, we've all got genitals. It's really humanizing. Humbling. Every time someone sits down for tea with the queen of England, they're drinking tea just a foot away from her vagina. If I got to drink tea with queen Elizabeth, our vaginas would only be like a foot away from each other. My vagina follows me wherever I go. If me and you got to drink tea with the queen of England, even though we're all wearing clothes and super polite and discussing politics or whatever, just cause it's all covered up doesn't change the fact that you, me, and the queen of England would just be a couple of genitals sitting around a table."
"Oh gross! She's like a hundred years old, Amy!"
"I know! Isn't it great?!" She exclaimed in glee. "You never lose your vagina no matter how old you get! She seems so sophisticated and wise and intimidating, but the queen of England stops being so intimidating when you realize she's just a normal person. Everyone stops being intimidating when you realize they're just normal people. And the quickest and easiest way to make yourself realize that they're just normal people too is if you picture their genitals."
"Go away four-drink Amy!" Jake just started pushing her away until she was on the ground with no pillow support and she gaped at him like he had just murdered a pile of puppies right in front of her eyes. He might have felt bad for the ultimate betrayal and her pout until he remembered that his pushing was completely justified.
She got over her shock soon enough and knocked him off his pillow stack with her tongue sticking out.
Jake forced a bottle of beer into her open hands when they got back to playing for realsies. "Drink up. Four-drink Amy is disgusting. Please stop talking about old lady vaginas. You're super gross."
"You're gross," she shot back with a sneer.
"Yeah, sure. I'm the gross one. Whatever you say, Ames. Whatever you say."
AN: So I had surgery two weeks ago, so that's why I've been so absent. Just taking it easy and stuff. The surgery went fine, but I just haven't been writing much while in recovery.
I just wanted to write something really lighthearted with no angst and that made me laugh, so that's what this is. I would like to formally apologize for possibly making you picture Alex Trebek's, Neil Armstong's, Mother Theresa's, Barack Obama's, and queen Elizabeth's genitals.
I'm sorry for putting you through that. Hopefully it made you laugh too though.