Authors' note: Finally! Another co-athored fic besides "His Confession" which was our very first. Haha! And since Dani Singapore and Jam is in the Philippines, we have to email each other when writing fics (we're currently working on two right now). But we got excited over at YM and decided to make one right then and there. Yep, we wrote this over YM! It took us two bloody hours! Haha! So, hope you enjoyed this one shot. Hmmm. We suggest that you listen to "Mr. Brightside" by The Killers (the awesomest band for Dani... for Jam it's FOB). Any version will do but if you have the String Quartet version, that's the most preferable.
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Love? I've tried it. And I've lost it. Sometimes I think it wasn't even love at all. It was more like a joke, a big slap to my face. I've cursed the day I did fall in love. And I've replayed the day I lost her, over and over in my head; it was pain the way I never knew it before. But I guess even though I even try to forget her, she was the sweetest thing I knew. The kindest, smartest, my sweet little temptress.
She never knew I would have given everything. I never got the chance to show her. I never even told her I loved her. I held back everything -- my love, my hatred, my joy, my anger, my rage. I was numb, unfeeling.
She left me for him. A man I trusted, a friend. She left me because he understood her. Because he felt. That was where I was wrong. I never understood her. And I regret it. If anything, I wanted to ask for time to rewind so I could redo everything so that I could understand her; however that I could never do and will not do. It wouldn't be right. I wanted the best for her. So I did what I had to do. I let her go.
It was like any other night; a meeting at the Order, supper. What made that night different was I've decided to propose to her, to tell her all my feelings. To finally tell her that I love her. But then she suddenly left, with no word. It wasn't like her. I've had doubts before but never as strong as the way I felt that night. So, I followed her. It was wrong not to trust her but, I just had a feeling something wasn't right. She led me to a library. She's an intellectual being, but sneaking off at this hour? And in the middle of a war, at that.
What was happening? My heart began to hammer as I silently made my way without being seen or heard. I hid in the darkness, provided by the shadows. I saw her sit at the small table where she usually sat, fidgeting. I saw her shiver because of the cold and I wanted to give her my cloak or take her in my arms to protect her from the iciness. But then, he came along and took a seat across from hers. They started talking like they did in front of me.
"Hello," she said her voice shaking. He returned her greeting with a nod and a small smile. Just like he always did. Then, something struck me. He took her hands in his and planted a small kiss on her lips.
She broke into silent sobs. I didn't know what to do and so I stayed rooted to the floor surprise and anger washing over me.
"I don't know what's happening. Help me, Blaise. He doesn't understand." His hand caressed her cheek reverently, like she was fragile. They're only friends' I thought, distracting myself from the obvious, painful truth.
"He doesn't understand. He's still shutting himself from me. He won't let me in. I don't know if he even loves me."
"He does." Blaise said softly cupping her face into his hands. "He does, sweetheart. He told me so."
"I feel it." Hermione sobbed, her voice was melodious even when she was crying. "But what if I'm wrong?"
"You're not, love." I whispered, although knowing she couldn't hear me. "You're never wrong."
"Believe me, Hermione" he said wiping the tears off her cheeks. "He loves you. And so do I."
My heart twisted upon hearing that. My mind raced, anticipating what she would do.
"I-- I," she stammered. "I think I may love you too. But Draco -- what's going to happen?"
She looked away from him. She was beautiful. My heart broke seeing her cry because of me. I didn't know what to do but when I saw him kiss her passionately, and she returned it with ardor, I knew. The only way was to shun her out completely. To break her heart, to break mine. To save her and to save me.
This couldn't be happening. I just couldn't look, it was killing me.
Jealousy was taking over. Anger, rage, love. Everything was pouring out. I couldn't take it any longer.
I stepped out of the shadows knowing very well I couldn't let them see how deeply they've cut through me. I heard her gasp. And break down. Blaise stood up and walked towards me.
Blaise looked at me with his liquid black eyes. I could see he felt love for Hermione. How could he do this to me? Damn it.
My mind went blank. Suddenly, and as if without any control over my thoughts and actions, I punched him in the face with all my anger. Hermione gave out a loud gasp and rushed to me, pleading for me not to hit him anymore
"Draco! No! Please, stop it!" I knew I looked at her coldly. She deserved it for breaking my heart.
"What now, Hermione?" I spat.
"Draco don't hurt her." Blaise said as he stood up and regained his composure. "If you do I swear I'll kill you." I smirked. I couldn't hurt her, I loved her too much.
"Draco I'm sorry..." She began breaking into a fresh wave of sobs. "I very sorry."
She touched my face with her soft hand but I moved away, my skin stinging with disgust under her touch.
I wanted to forgive her, to forget everything that happened here and behind my back. Just to keep her with me. But my pride got in the way once again.
My gaze remained upon Blaise. He was standing quietly like an onlooker watching a play.
"I think she deserves you." I stated, and walked away.
"Draco..." I heard her say.
She ran to my side and caught my hand.
"Just so you know, I still love you."
She whispered. And I slipped the ring into her palm, as I kissed the back of her hand.
I looked up to face her, letting her see for the first time what she could do to me, her words, her touch, her voice.
For the first time, I let tears fall from my eyes. I let my guard down. I bared my soul, just as I was about to turn away. "It wouldn't be fair for me, love." I looked deeply into her eyes and kissed her forehead. "Always remember that I will always worry about you and that you've taught me many things."
She said goodbye and I walked away without saying anything. I couldn't say goodbye. If I did, I would have killed us all in there in the library. I couldn't… I just couldn't.
And so that night was the most painful, the most heartbreaking. After that I couldn't let go of the anger. Sometimes there was joy in feeling pain because it was pain that Hermione gave me. I was pathetic. I flung myself in business and different endeavors that I never found myself mending the pieces of what was left of me but I forgave them both, and tried to coerce my mind and heart to believe that nothing transpired between Hermione and I. It was to no avail. Hermione will forever be within me, haunting my deepest thoughts and breaking my heart repeatedly. Now I know better and I understand. Now, this very moment, I realize, that letting Hermione go was the only unselfish act I did in my entire life.