GROWING PAINS
Air screamed past him as the ship's atmosphere spewed into space, sending anything that wasn't bolted down with it. Luke held on to the main conduit cable in the hangar with Force-enhanced strength, but it was barely enough. Flying debris, small equipment and repair parts pummeled his head and body. Emergency klaxons shrieked and fail-safe lights flashed, blasting their own confusion into the mix, sending their WARNING - WARNING to ship's personnel. Luke grimaced with effort, focusing not on the escaping air supply, not even on trying to re-trigger the force field at the hangar bay door. Just holding on took all his strength and concentration.
For what seemed like an eternity Luke's arms and legs had been wrapped around the conduit like a baby Wookie clinging to its mother. He groaned painfully, wanting desperately to shift position but not daring to ease up on his hold. He thought the wind had been strong at Cloud City when Vader had broken the observation window, but it was nothing compared to this. When the warning sirens and lights had started, he had only seconds to react, and he had been too far away from the exit to make an escape. Now he could only hope someone would get to him in time, or find out a way to reinstate the bay door shield.
Out of the corner of his eye, Luke could see movement through the window of the bulkhead portal of the hangar bay. Help was on the way, if he could just hold on a little longer. He glanced at his new hand, marveling at its strength, grateful for its much-needed help. What would have happened if he were still in possession of his own biological hand? Blessings come from strange places, he realized, his body shivering in the rapidly cooling air. Space was claiming its own, relentlessly seeking the perfect vacuum. The huge hangar was affording plenty of air for it to suck away, but only seconds - moments - remained before the air would run out. Then the pull on Luke would stop, and he wouldn't have to hold on any longer. Which is just as well, he thought wryly, looking down at his numbed legs to make sure they were still wrapped around the conduit, 'cause I'll be dead.
More movement at the closed bulkhead door. A flash in the corridor, then the lights and klaxons stopped. Luke was grateful for that, but the suck of escaping atmosphere still pulled relentlessly at him, and the lonely, howling sound it made was heartless and cold. The shivering was worse than bad; now his left hand was numb, and his face. Only his right hand felt normal and alive. If they didn't come soon, no amount of his limited Jedi skills would save him. Force! To die now, after having escaped from Vader, when Han and Leia needed him so badly...he had to make it. He had to! He felt his heart hammering in his chest - he was going to pass out soon. Struggling, he cleared his thoughts and took as deep a breath as he could, and his mind reached out in its last moments of consciousness...
[Leia!
It wasn't an answer exactly, not one he could hear, really, but he got it.
[I'm coming!
He closed his eyes and waited.
"Easy. Easy; be careful with him!"
The medics worked to unwrap Luke from the conduit, his arms and legs stiff with cold and muscular constriction. It was strange to see him hanging there, still unconsciously holding on for dear life, his head lolling to the side. Leia spoke to him, but there was no response.
She supported Luke's head as the men eased him away from the conduit and placed him on the antigrav stretcher. His bruised and contused face was still tight with the effort it had taken to save himself, but there was little bleeding - he was hypothermic and needed to be warmed up right away. She placed her hand on his chest, felt the slow but steady pulse there, and breathed a sigh of relief. She didn't remove her hand as she walked beside the stretcher toward sickbay, where Two One-Bee waited.
Luke took a deep breath, and groaned. Leia, waking, lurched out of her uncomfortable chair and joined Two One-Bee, who was monitoring Luke's vital signs.
"He will regain consciousness momentarily, Princess Leia, " informed the unit, and busied itself at a nearby table.
Luke's eyes moved under the lids and he groaned again, then brought a hand up to his face.
"Ow."
"Stings, doesn't it?"
Luke opened his blue eyes, looked into the brown eyes of the Princess.
"That isn't the half of it."
Leia slipped a hand under the back of Luke's neck and offered him a flask of water. "Here."
"I'm not thirsty, Leia..."
"Drink!"
He drank.
Wiping his mouth with his tunic sleeve, Luke started to sit up, and only then realized how many muscles it had taken to hold on to that conduit. The look on his face was priceless, and Leia couldn't quite hide her amusement.
Darting her a 'ha-ha, very funny' look, he threw his legs over the side of the bed and put his weight on them. They held, but his knees shook and his calf and thigh muscles cramped suddenly, taking his breath away.
"Hey, not so fast!" cautioned the Princess, gently grasping his shoulders. "Just lie there awhile, Luke," Leia encouraged as she helped him back on the bed. "Two One-Bee says you can get up later on today after the muscles have had time to respond to the medication."
"I'm beginning to agree with him," muttered the young man as more aches and little stabbing pains reminded him of his recent ordeal. "I feel like a punching bag." So much for the healing techniques Yoda tried to teach me - I definitely need more practice.
"You look like one," quipped the diminutive woman, easing the verbal barb with a warm smile, but the smile faded when Luke grimaced with discomfort. "You had a close call, Luke. The hangar bay was scheduled for maintenance and they shut down the power. If the sensors hadn't detected a life form, you'd have been killed!"
"Guess I was preoccupied. Didn't see the signs..." His voice drifted in fatigue.
"Accidents happen, Luke, but it was pretty careless of you."
Luke didn't answer and Leia's brow furrowed with worry.
"Is anything bothering you? You said..." Luke looked up at the ceiling. "You said you were preoccupied."
"Nothing's bothering me," Luke replied, wearily, and closed his eyes. Leia moved closed to him, observing the cuts and bruises on his face. His hands lay relaxed beside him, one showing damaged knuckles, the other looking perfectly normal. Impulsively, she grabbed the "new" hand, squeezing it gently. Luke opened his eyes, puzzled.
"What?"
"It's just like your real one."
Luke shook his head. "It's better, Leia." He raised up on one elbow, cupping Leia's hand in his engineered one. "It's stronger, more tactile - almost indestructible..." He faltered, looking away again and dropping her hand. "I'd give it up in a minute if I had my own hand back."
"What kind of talk is that? You can't tell me that replacement didn't help save your life today!" scolded the princess, crossing her arms.
Luke sighed in exasperation. "Yeah, it did. That's not really what I meant, Leia. I'm... I don't..." His jaw clenched in frustration. "Look, do we have to talk about this right now?"
"Well no, certainly we don't have to discuss it now, but something is obviously bothering you. I don't like to see you this way; you've been through so much lately..."
"Me!" exploded the youth, sitting up and thumping his chest, open-palmed. Leia was so astonished at his outburst that she took a step backward. "Me!" he said again, a disgusted look on his face. "Forget me! What about you? Walking into a trap set for you because of me; watching Han being frozen in carbonite, knowing he may not survive it!" He looked down, his voice suddenly quiet. "He may not have survived it."
Leia's face softened with compassion. So that was it. Luke had been reticent ever since they had rescued him on Bespin, changing the subject any time talk of their experiences there had occurred. She and Lando had soon learned not to bring it up, and now that he and Chewbacca had gone to Tatooine, she had been left alone to deal with Luke's taciturnity.
"Luke, we all did what we thought we had to do."
Luke rolled his eyes. "As if that makes any difference."
"Hey," she said, her voice clipped and official, her hand resting gently on Luke's arm. "No time for pity parties. What would Han say if he heard you right now?"
The young man hesitated, searched her eyes for a moment, then smiled faintly. "He'd probably call me a 'dumb kid' and give me a swift kick in the pants."
"At the very least," Leia agreed, eyeing Luke critically, noticing his shivering frame.
"Look, you're tired now, and still a little cold." She pushed him back down on the bed and brought another blanket to cover him. "You get some sleep. It wouldn't hurt if you tried out those healing exercises you told me about, either." She walked over to the door. "When you wake up, then we'll really talk, okay?"
Luke nodded tiredly, loving her. "Sure."
He fell asleep, and for the first night in weeks, he didn't dream of Vader.
Luke walked down the hallway, feeling much better, his scrapes and bruises fading already. Talking to Leia had helped him to focus, and the healing process had kicked in. It hadn't been a perfect process - his legs and arms still ached - but he didn't think it was too bad for a beginner. Still, if he had stayed on Dagobah...
He clenched his fists against the unwelcome thoughts. This was what he was going to have to talk to Leia about. She was right; he had to get these dark musings off his chest, or it would eventually drive him to more bitterness, then despair, then 'Hello, Dark Side.' But he wasn't ready to tell her everything yet; he couldn't tell her everything. Vader's last words to him had left him shaken, wounding him far deeper than the lightsaber had. "It is your destiny," the Sith Lord had said, and Luke was afraid it was true, that his future was out of his hands - and destined for failure - as the son of the chief servant of the Emperor. That would explain his failure on Bespin, and his utter defeat at the hands of Vader.
As the young Jedi rounded a corner, glimpsing the door to Leia's quarters, he began to clear his mind, wanting to purge as best he could those dark feelings that had been plaguing him ever since he had confronted Vader. He would tell her about Vader's revelation when the time was right. Now, however, he had to explain why he decided to leave Yoda's teaching and make his premature trip to Bespin - why, in short, he had acted like a complete and utter fool.
As he approached the door, his mind reeled with a sudden, violent sense of imminent danger, not towards him, but towards...
"Leia!", he yelled.
Simultaneously, the explosion blew the door out into the hall, slamming it against the opposite wall, the concussion from the blast throwing Luke to the floor.
[Pain Fear Dark It's dark...
Luke shook his head, forced himself to his feet. These feelings, this pain - just like on Dagobah. Leia... It was Leia who was hurt, and frightened.
He bolted through the mangled doorway; sensing her location, he fumbled through the smoky blackness to another, closed door. The lavatory, he realized. She had been in there when the blast had gone off.
But this door, too, was damaged. His pain sense of her was stronger now, but her sense of fear was fading, fading...
"Leia!" He struggled to open the door, its sensor rendered useless by the blast. Finally it moved, a few inches, but enough. He shouldered his way through, threw himself to the floor, reaching for her, feeling her essence, stronger than he had ever felt it before. His hand bumped against something - an arm.
She moaned softly but didn't move.
"Leia," he called gently, finding her face, cradling her cheek in his hand. There was something else there - blood - a lot of it. He traced his fingers back along the base of her skull, felt the damage there.
Suddenly there were people in the room. He hadn't heard them come in, but their voices and lights crashed into his thoughts like lasers. All his concentration was on Leia, however; her sense was so strange, now. The vibrant strength of her life-force was draining away like water in the sands of Tatooine.
Leia was dying.
"What a freak thing to happen. I've never seen a mangle of two systems like that. It's a wonder the Princess wasn't killed!"
"Look, this ship's so old it could grow stuff. Seals break sometimes. You know what happens when coolant and nitrogen mix."
"Yeah, I do. That's why they're kept apart."
"Well, this time they weren't. It's fixed now, and they're checking the systems all along the line."
"You see that door in the Princess' quarters?"
"Yeah, and I still don't believe it."
The two rescue workers sat in a corner of the mess room, taking a late meal after the cleanup from the blast.
"You think he did it?"
"Something did it. The blast had buckled the door. There was no way it was going to slide back into the wall."
"Yeah, it buckled out, away from the blast in the main room. But the door had been pulled back into the room. I swear it looks like someone just grabbed the edge and yanked!"
"Uh-huh, like Skywalker had the strength to bend durasteel."
The first worker leaned closer to his friend, lowering his voice. "Don't be so skeptical. I hear Skywalker's got some kind of Force power, like one of those Jedi wizards we've heard about."
The first worker snorted. "Jedi!" he barked, drawing the attention of those seated nearby.
"I'd lower my voice, if I were you," interjected a newcomer.
The workers looked up to see a dark-haired man, in day uniform, wearing flight insignia. They were ship's personnel, but they were still outranked. Standing quickly, they saluted.
Wedge waved the salute aside and had them sit again, then leaned his hands on the table.
"You have a right to your own opinions, but I've always found that it's best to keep them to yourself until you make sure you have all your facts straight." He smiled good-naturedly.
"We were just wondering how Skywalker got through that door, sir."
"Did you see anyone else when you got there? Was anything used to pry the door open?"
"I was the first one in, and I didn't see anything..."
"He was with the Princess, in the lavatory," volunteered the second worker. "She was hurt - Skywalker had blood on his hands."
"Have you been back in the room since the Princess was evacuated?" asked the pilot.
"Uh, I have, sir."
"You notice the blood on the door?"
"Yeah."
"Well, I happen to know that wasn't the Princess' blood. The blood on the door is Luke's. He tore his hand on the jagged metal when he pulled the door back to get to the Princess."
The two rescue workers stared at Antilles, their mouths open.
"And those, gentlemen, are the facts." Wedge straightened, nodded to the two men, and went to get his dinner.
Leia lay among clouds, drifting, floating, free of pain now, her mind relaxed. So much better than the dreams she had been having, nightmares of red and black lightning and crashing explosions. It was quiet now, and the wind was dying down. Slowly, she began to look around her and saw, far below, a small figure on the ground, beckoning to her. As her body began to descend she fought it, at first, not wanting to lose the sense of weightlessness, of peace. Gradually, however, she felt the presence - and weight - of her arms and legs, and she knew she had to return. Slowly, as she neared the earth, she could see that the person reaching out to her was Luke. She smiled, and called out to him, and he grinned back at her - was that relief she saw on his face? Finally, in one fluid motion, she lifted her head and her feet touched the ground. She reached to embrace him...
"Welcome back."
She blinked, startled by the bright lights and the smell of antiseptic air. She took a quick breath and coughed.
"You're all right, Leia. You're going to be fine. Don't move, now."
"Luke?"
"Yes, Leia?"
Leia focused her somewhat blurry vision on the man standing next to her bed, looking careworn and a little sad. The old scars on his face had never looked so dear, the concern in his tired eyes more precious.
"Thank you."
"Any time."
"You know I love you."
"Yes, I know."
"Not like Han..."
"I know that, too. He has his place in your heart..."
"And you have yours. Always know that, Luke."
"I know it."
She fell asleep with him holding her hand.
Luke walked down the corridor toward Leia's room. As he turned the corner, a sense of deja vu struck him briefly, recalling the last time he had come that way. He and Leia were going to have that talk, before the accident, that is. Before he almost lost Leia forever. Two accidents - bad accidents - in one week, was alarming. He blamed himself for the first one, but Leia could hardly be held accountable for two ruptured lines in the bulkhead. Ever since Bespin, Luke didn't believe in coincidences anymore. The future was always in motion, Yoda had said, but the future still played somewhat into what the Force had destined for you. But what about influences of the Dark Side of the Force? On the surface, the accidents were just that - accidents; but if one looked deeper, could they have been the manipulations of Vader?
He shook himself mentally. No one was killed, which was something, at least. He would talk to her now, had to share these thoughts and feelings that had plagued him for months. If he didn't, how could he prepare for what lay ahead with these doubts in his mind? He and Leia both were about to face something indomitable, something far bigger than either of them. He didn't know what it was yet, but he felt it would test them beyond anything they had experienced so far. And if he still doubted himself...
There were his own feelings for Leia to be dealt with, too. Leia had told him she loved him, but it was Han to whom she had given her heart. What was it he really felt for her? There was a part of him that connected to some corresponding part of the Princess, something that made her precious to him, but was it love? What was love, anyway? He had loved his Aunt Beru, in a boyish, immature, natural kind of way, and he knew she loved him, too. He supposed he loved Uncle Owen, as well, because whenever he thought of him now, there was a burning emptiness in his heart - a longing for what might have been, perhaps.
His thoughts were interrupted when Leia unexpectedly met him at the door of her quarters, linking her arm through his and drawing him into the room.
"What took you so long, farmboy?" she teased, leading him to a chair and handing him a drink. She was lovely tonight, her hair for once loose and flowing down her back, and her beauty was distracting him like crazy.
"Had to get the sand out of my ears," he rejoined, grateful for the ice breaker.
"How are your hands?"
"Huh? Oh, they're fine. The machine, here," holding up his right hand, "just needed a little cosmetic work. This one," he paused, looking at the fading scars on his left palm, "is healing nicely. Looks like I'm finally getting the hang of initiating the healing process."
"I'll say," agreed Leia, placing a hand to the back of her head. "Have I told you how much I..."
"About a million times! You're beginning to embarrass me." He looked down, red-faced, and rubbed his fingers across the back of his engineered hand.
"Luke, that day you were caught in the hangar bay - when you woke up, you said something about wanting your old hand back." Luke straightened, a look of chagrin on his features. "I mean," Leia hurried on, "of course who wouldn't want to keep their real hand over a fake one - even a good fake one." She smiled, but Luke didn't respond. He was looking at the hand again, flexing its fingers. "I'm just saying I think you meant something else that day." She reached over the space between them, touching him. He looked up. "You did mean something else?"
Luke dropped his hands between his knees, resting his elbows on his thighs, and sighed.
"Yeah, I meant something else. And now that it's time to talk about it, I don't know how to start!" He laughed disparagingly.
"Why don't you start with telling me why you've been so close ever since Bespin?"
Luke grinned. "You do believe in jumping right in there, don't you?" Leia nodded, waiting.
"When I left Dagobah, I didn't have the blessing of Yoda - or Ben."
"Why not?"
"They said I wasn't ready, that I was in danger of going over to the Dark Side because I hadn't learned to control my anger and a million other things that had to be unlearned. Leia..."
"Yes, Luke?"
"I sort of lost track of time on Dagobah. It was a strange planet, and finding Yoda there was even stranger - he looked so different from what I expected - but it was like the whole planet was imbued with the Force, much stronger than I had sensed it anywhere else. Anyway, one day seemed much like the rest, and then after I came to Bespin and you had to rescue me..." he trailed off, looking at that infernal hand again.
He stares at it like it's a mynoc, Leia thought. "Go on, Luke."
"How long did it take you to get from Hoth to Bespin?"
"Well," Leia considered, "including the detours, about two months, give or take a day. You remember the hyperdrive was out."
"Okay, so give or take a day," he grinned, "I had about two months to train with Yoda. He told me that the Jedi of old were trained starting when they were very young. This was in order to help them contain and control the innate, instinctive drives they had, like anger, hate, fear. My problem was that I was too old. Yoda had to..."
"Too old? Luke, you're barely twenty!"
"I'm twenty-two, going on twenty-three," he insisted, emphasizing the 'three'. "But that's a lot of years' accumulation of stuff I have to get rid of. That's why I'm talking to you now. Ben's gone, and Yoda's far away..."
"So you figured that since I was the only one around..." Leia kidded.
"No, Leia, please don't think that. Force, no! I - I had a crush on you for awhile, you know. You were a princess, I was a farm kid. You had connections, wealth, power. I was awed by you!"
Leia blushed, her turn to be embarrassed.
"So I couldn't shake out my dirty laundry in front of you. Anyway, when we were on Bespin and I was about to fall from that aerial, I called out to Ben, but there was no answer. Then, suddenly, I saw you in my mind. I knew if I called to you, you'd hear me. And you did."
Leia's eyes were far away. "I did hear you."
Ever since we were brought here, while I was healing, I saw how distraught you were, how sad - for Han. And then, when I was being fitted for Big Bantha, here," he pointed to his right hand, "I saw you put away your sadness, and a new resolve take its place. I saw something revealed in you that had lain quiet for - well, maybe always. Anyway, when I saw that, I stopped thinking about myself and realized just how much you stood to lose, just how much you had lost already, and how brave you were..."
"Oh, Luke..." Leia reached out and grabbed both Luke's hands in her own.
Luke swallowed. "So I made up my mind I had to talk to you, because you were exactly the person I was meant to talk to. Not Yoda or Ben, not even Han, but... you."
Leia stood, pulling Luke up out of his chair, as well. She touched a fading bruise on his cheek and pulled him into a gentle embrace. Luke hugged her back, abashed, but enjoying it.
"Oh, Luke," Leia repeated, smiling through her tears. "I'm so glad."
Leia buzzed Luke's room, but there was no answer. She pressed the lock; it released and the door opened. No one was in the main room, but Leia knew Luke was there somewhere. She walked softly to his bedroom door, not wanting to wake him if he was asleep. As she peered around the opening, her eyes opened wide in surprise and delight.
Luke was standing on his hands, his hair dangling between his arms, his eyes closed. As she watched he raised one arm perpendicular to his body, his face first tightening with the effort, then relaxing as the Force flowed through him. Around him, at various heights, floated pillows, a shoe, a portable lamp, and a toothbrush.
How does he do that? she wondered, then felt herself being lifted.
"What?! Oh no, flyboy, no experimenting with me!" she yelled, half-amused, half-angry.
She felt herself being lowered, gently, and watched all the other flying objects resume their original spots. Luke dropped to the floor in a controlled tumble and rolled to his feet.
"I wouldn't have let you fall," he said, panting a little.
"Maybe not, but next time give me warning," she began, dryly, but her awe and joy caught up with her again and she burst out laughing. "I can't believe what I just saw! Luke, that was marvelous! What else can you do?"
Luke's face dropped a bit. "It's not a circus act, Leia."
Leia realized what she had just said and hurried to correct her mistake. "Luke, I'm sorry; I didn't mean it that way at all. It's just that I'm so delighted!" She punched Luke's shoulder, playfully. "You've been practicing."
His humor restored, Luke smiled at her. "Been practicing other stuff, too, Leia. Have a seat," he said, motioning toward the main room. "I'll be out in a minute."
Leia made herself comfortable while Luke made a lot of noise (and by the sound of it, a lot of mess) in the lavatory. He soon emerged, drying his hair with a towel. "Can I get you anything?"
"No, thanks," she responded, crossing her legs and clasping her hands around her knee. "Time for round two?" Luke nodded, looking like he was dreading it.
"Want to walk a bit," he suggested, "or would you rather stay here?"
Leia sensed Luke's restlessness and opted for the walk. Luke raked his fingers through his fast-drying hair and they walked out into the corridor.
They walked for a long time without speaking. Following their feet, more or less, they eventually found themselves in a small observation room, lights out but strangely lit by a small moon in the vicinity. Since they were cruising at sub-light, the moon would give all the illumination they needed for awhile. The only furniture in the room were two chairs, and not particularly comfortable ones. But they hadn't come here to be comfortable.
"Okay, where was I when we stopped talking last night?"
"You never really got started. You were about to tell me why you've had this shell around you since Bespin. But then you suddenly said it was late and we could talk tomorrow. You practically ran out the room. Sometimes I really don't understand you, Luke. You were acting like Chewie in the garbage chute!"
"That's because you went and hugged me and cried all over my shoulder." Leia frowned at him, puzzled. Luke pushed back his bangs from his face and let them fall in disarray over his forehead. He held out his hands to her in appeal. "Leia... Look, you've got to stop being so nice to me, hugging me and everything. I know you and Han are - well, that you love... and Han loves..." He turned away in exasperation. "Leia, I still haven't sorted out all my feelings for you. Can you understand that?"
Leia stifled a smile. Poor Luke. In some ways he was still a young boy, with all these adult feelings and experiences being thrust upon him all at once. She remembered her own girlish crushes of the not too long ago, and empathized with the young man. "Yes," she assured him, "I think I can." She shrugged. "I still haven't sorted out all my feelings for Han, either."
"But you have for me."
She nodded, distracted. Finally, she looked at him. "You remember on Hoth, when you'd been rescued after that ice storm, and I kissed you to show Han he wasn't the only man on the planet?"
"Oh, is that what it was..." he murmured.
"No, that's not what it was. You are very attractive, Luke, and you're sweet. Han is surly, brash, arrogant..."
"And...?"
"I couldn't understand why I was attracted to him as much as I was to you. Anyway, I wanted to kiss you, Luke. I wanted to enjoy it, but..." she threw her hands up. "I couldn't."
"Why?"
"It felt like I was kissing a relative, or an old friend of the family."
"Thanks."
Leia saw the look of irony on the young man's face and reached out for his hand.
"I can't explain how I feel, but I want you to know you're more than a friend. I feel closer to you than I have anyone I've ever known, and that includes my father and mother. I trust you, Luke. I trust you enough to tell you that I'm so desperately in love with Han, so lonely for him, I..." Her chin began to quiver.
Luke's face melted in sympathy; he put aside his own bruised ego and pulled Leia to him, comforting her as she wept.
There it was. Leia's pain, her needs, were so raw right now. She had lost so much more than he: her family, her civilization, the love of her life...
That was why he had to rescue Han. His own friendship for the man would have been more than enough reason to try to save him, but Leia's broken heart only deepened his resolve. But he felt so unprepared for what was to come. If only he hadn't left Yoda prematurely...
Damn! That again!
Leia felt Luke stiffen, lifted her tear-stained face to look at his. "What is it?"
"Nothing."
Leia wiped the tears from her cheeks, grabbed Luke by the shoulders. "Don't tell me it's nothing!" She looked at him intently, gazing into his eyes, finding grief there. "Luke, I want you to tell me, right now, what has been haunting you all this time."
Luke still hesitated.
"You've been there for me, young man," she scolded, shaking him gently, "and now it's time I am here for you. There will be no secrets between us Luke. Ever. We're past that."
He bit the inside of his lip.
She shook him again. "Okay?"
He sighed, his shoulders slumping, and sat down again. "Okay. No secrets." Except for one, he thought guiltily.
Leia sat next to Luke, and he took courage from her. "Okay," he began.
"It was lonely growing up on Tatooine. I had lived with Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen on the moisture farm as far back as I can remember. They never talked about my parents. Uncle Owen got angry if I asked him questions about my father, especially. I know he loved me and wanted what was best for me, but we clashed all the time, especially toward the end, when I was determined to join the Academy and conquer the galaxy. When I saw him and Aunt Beru outside the compound, after the Stormtroopers had finished with them... I couldn't tell which was which..."
There was a hitch in Luke's voice and Leia took his hand in hers, squeezing it in sympathy. Luke cleared his throat and continued.
"They were the only family I had. My few friends had left the planet, and I was alone again." He smiled suddenly. "But then there was Ben Kenobi, who I'd just met. He took a special interest in me, told me about my father. Told me what I wanted to hear, anyway..." He trailed off.
"What do you mean, you 'wanted to hear'?" she asked.
"Enough to get me interested in the Force, I think," he corrected, not ready to reveal Vader's awful revelation. He didn't think he could yet face the look of disgust and aversion that were surely to appear in Leia's eyes when he did tell her. "Anyway, when my aunt and uncle were killed, Ben took me under his wing, and even in the short time I was with him, he was more a father to me than Uncle Owen ever was." Anger flashed across Luke's face. "Then Vader killed him."
"And you've never had the luxury of mourning him, have you?"
"Oh, I've grieved for him. But there's been so much going on, I..." Luke glanced at Leia. "Yeah, I still grieve for him."
He sat for a moment, not speaking. Leia waited, too, not wanting to interrupt his thoughts. This was taking a lot out of Luke, and she didn't want to make it any harder than it already was. She just squeezed his hand again in assurance.
"Did I tell you Ben came to me on Hoth, when I was freezing in the wasteland?"
"Not specifically, but you did a lot of talking when you were with Han that night before you were picked up. He told me."
"Good old Han," smiled Luke, thinking of his friend's clumsy but gentle ministrations while they awaited rescue. "Not a bad nurse, really, but he has a rotten bedside manner." His hand strayed absently to the scars on his face.
Leia looked away quickly as her emotions welled up at the memory of Han's rakish smile. Luke patted her hand.
"We'll get him soon, Leia. Very soon. I know it."
Leia nodded, not wanting to risk saying much just yet. "Finish your story," she said.
"Where was I? Oh, Hoth! Well, anyway, Ben told me to go to Dagobah, where I found Yoda. I've already told you about that, his training me and lifting my X-wing out of the swamp. But what I haven't told you is that, strange as it may seem, Yoda was like a father to me, too. In a different way, of course, from Ben, but I could tell he was taking on an awful responsibility with me - not just because of my age, either.
"What else?" Leia asked, curious.
"Well, I'm just assuming this, but because he knew my father was a Jedi; probably knew about how he was trained, who trained him, and..." Force! Luke thought, suddenly. He probably knows whether Vader was lying to me or telling the truth when he said he was my father! If that was true, then there was all the more reason why Yoda wouldn't want Luke to leave Dagobah prematurely. "The cave," he murmured, remembering Yoda's warning as he had prepared to leave the planet in search of his friends on Bespin.
"The what?"
"Nothing." This answer brought a frown from the Princess; Luke spread his hands in assurance.
"Really, I'm just thinking out loud, trying to sort through stuff." Luke turned in his chair, facing Leia more squarely.
"Look, the issue is, Yoda and Ben both warned me not to leave Dagobah. They feared what might happen, what I might become, because I hadn't completed the training. But I didn't listen. I was headstrong, just smart enough in the Force to be dangerous and stupid! Looking back on it now, I realize that the torture I saw Han and Chewie going through hadn't yet happened when I left Dagobah. I was manipulated by Vader into coming there. Suppose I had listened to Yoda, and completed my training? If Vader knew I wasn't going to come - and I'm sure he has his ways of knowing - he might not have tortured anybody. But no, I had to come and be the hero, ignoring the advice of two seasoned Jedi, and look what it cost!"
Luke slumped back in his seat, anger and despair fighting for dominance in his eyes. He pulled his hand out of Leia's and crossed his arms over his chest, breathing hard.
"Luke, you're young, and inexperienced. You're having to learn in a short time what other Jedi have taken lifetimes to learn..."
"I don't have a lifetime!" Luke interjected.
"No, you don't. And you don't have the luxury of carefully weighing everything you do, either! Luke, I know you well enough to believe you aren't the type to wallow in self-pity. But you aren't seeing the whole picture, either. You acted on what you knew, and what you believed was right. You made a mistake, but your motives were absolutely pure. Think about it, Luke - you were operating totally in the Light Side of the Force, right up to the moment you dropped off that balcony. You knew you would probably die, but you faced death rather than join Vader."
Luke sat up straight, uncrossing his arms. "You knew Vader offered me a place beside him?"
"You have a habit of talking when you're out of commission," smiled Leia.
"Is that..." Luke swallowed. "Is that all I talked about?"
"You said 'why didn't you tell me' a couple of times. That's all."
Luke breathed a sigh of relief. "Leia, what I'm dealing with isn't so much that I have to face the fact that I might have made bad decisions. Being Force-adept doesn't make you God. But I've never had friends like you and Han, Chewie and Lando. I don't... I don't want anything to happen to you because of me. What if I fail again? What if I somehow fall under the influence of the Dark Side? These doubts are killing me, Leia. I can't think straight, I can't focus on what I've already learned from Ben and Yoda..."
Leia sat for a moment, not speaking. She looked at Luke, who was holding his right hand in his left, absently rubbing a thumb in his palm. She realized that waiting here, doing nothing and drowning in his own thoughts, was probably the worst thing for Luke.
"Luke, you should go back to Dagobah, right now. Finish your training. Chewie, Lando and I will get Han off Tatooine, and then..." She stopped talking; Luke was shaking his head at her.
"You mean well, Leia, but there is no way I'm going to let you try to rescue Han on your own. I grew up on that planet - I know things it would take you weeks to find out - things that could be invaluable to you. Just the environment there is hazardous, not to mention the population, and you don't need to find out the hard way... what?"
Leia was grinning at him from ear to ear. "Just listen to yourself, Luke. You see the situation and you know what to do. It's instinctive. It's necessary for you to go with us, just like it was necessary for you to go to Bespin." Luke grimaced. "No, think about it - what have you learned since going to Bespin?"
Luke thought a moment. "Not to rush into things if you can help it. Never underestimate the enemy. Don't let your emotions rule your head. Trust in the Force." I have a Sith Lord for a father, he thought.
"I think you've learned some very valuable lessons, Luke. You've learned team work, you've made new and cherished friends who feel the same about you, you've discovered a power within you and around you. Yes, it's a power that you've only begun to explore, and it has latent dangers you've learned about the hard way, but Luke, that's so much - so much!"
"You don't think I'm jinxed in some way, then?"
"Don't be silly. You're Force-adept; in fact, very strong in the Force. Do you think life is going to be easy for you? Why do you think Yoda was concerned about your age? I think it was because he knew it's much easier to learn and absorb things as a young child than it is as a young man. As a child, you can accept things because it's all you've ever known. As a grown man, you have to first unlearn before you can learn, and you have to accept on faith things that might seem impossible."
"'Trust your feelings,' Ben said to me once," Luke remembered, and found himself momentarily relaxing in the Force. No sooner had the Force begun to flow through him than he had a vision of Leia, scantily clad, straining against a chain fastened to her neck by an iron band. Her face betrayed her misery, and Luke could feel her anxiety and pain. It was raw and cutting; she was worried about someone else, not herself. Her pain was so palpable it took his breath.
He stood suddenly and walked to the observation window, his back to the Princess.
"Leia, I want you to stay on the frigate and wait until we get Han off Tatooine."
"Luke, that is absolutely out of the question! Lando's already in Jabba's stronghold on Tatooine; as soon as Chewie hears from him, we have to get moving."
He turned to face her. "I know that. But somehow I don't think Lando's going to find a way to get Han out of that place short of leveling it to the ground. I've always feared that subterfuge will fail. It's going to take a more direct approach." He felt a sudden foreshadowing of death - he couldn't relate it to anyone in particular - but he knew that some time in the near future, someone he knew was going to die. The weight of it settled on him, and he closed his eyes.
"Luke, what is it? What's the matter?
"I'm..." The two visions, back to back, had drained him. He pressed a hand to the wall to steady himself. "I'm just tired."
Leia studied him, saddened by his newly acquired burdens, gratified by his wanting to protect her, angered by what Vader had done to him. She glanced at his hand, resting on the wall. There was more to what Vader had done than just taking his hand. Vader had sapped part of Luke's spirit, as well. She knew Luke had the potential to overcome it; he just needed a catalyst, something to fan the blue-hot flame within his breast.
"Luke, let's go to Tatooine now."
"But we haven't heard from Chewie."
"I know how to get in touch with him. We'll just alter our plans a bit."
"To what?"
"I don't know. Maybe we should try to figure out what Han would do in this situation."
"The brash approach, eh?"
"Maybe, but I have a feeling that we should be there, on the planet, when we've finally decided what to do. Our movements have been too easily detected lately, almost as if someone knows what we're going to do before we do it."
Luke nodded thoughtfully. "I think you're right, and I don't think it's just a feeling, either. That's why I believe it's best you stay here. Look what happened before - Han and Chewie were tortured for no reason except to bring me to Bespin, and I fell for it. Now Han's in that slime-pit of Jabba's because of me. I've learned my lesson, Leia - that things aren't always what they seem." His voice rose. "I've learned that actions cause consequences. People you love, you can lose; total strangers suddenly appear on the horizon and tell you that they're your..."
Luke stopped himself. He wasn't ready to acknowledge that Vader was his father, even though deep down he feared - knew - it was true. He would have to acknowledge it before he faced him again, but not just yet. He would know when the time was right, and then he would have to tell Leia. He had promised her no secrets, and he would keep his promise.
Luke's sudden silence worried Leia. He had been doing so well, telling her about his pent-up disillusionment, his self-doubts. He had to finish this.
"Maybe there are some things you would do differently now. But now you're a different person, too." Leia reached out and took his engineered hand in hers. "It's like your hand. It's not a monster, Luke; it's part of you. It comes directly from your history, your life. You have to accept it, or tear it off forever!" She threw the hand from her as if it weren't attached to anything. Luke stared at it, hanging by his side, then placed it behind his back with the other one, hands clasped. His face began to take on a strange look - Leia couldn't read it. She continued: "My advice to you is, take friendship and help wherever you can find it. Don't cringe from the Force, but embrace it. Don't dread the future, but face it head on."
"You're beginning to sound like Ben," Luke said, smiling faintly.
Leia came closer to him, taking his hand.
"Take me with you, Luke. Our paths are linked, you and I."
Luke sighed deeply, releasing something deep within himself, then smiled at her. "Can't say no to a Princess, can I?"
"Nope."
The young man and woman began walking down the hallway, hand in hand.
"I do have a couple of ideas," the voice of the Jedi floated back along the empty walls.
"Really? So do I," came the alto voice of the small woman at his side. "You go first."
"Well, I've been thinking about a way to get us infiltrated." There was a tinge of excitement in his tone. "We'll need Artoo and See-Threepio..."
And as ideas and travel plans were discussed, the nebulous future of the Alliance and the Rebellion hung on them like stars in the arm of the galaxy, and history waited...
End