Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 3
EPISODE 18
Airdate: May 20, 2015
Title: The Seattle Cycle
Segway Segment: None
Special Guest Stars: None
SCENE 1
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Wade is reading Fences by August Wilson when RK comes in.)
RK: Hey Wade.
WADE: What's going on, RK?
RK: Eh, nothing much.
(RK turns on the TV, then Wade immediately turns it off.)
RK: Hey, that's my whole reason for being!
WADE: I'm trying to read here, man. A little concentration would help.
RK: Oh, not this again. You've been reading these stupid books nonstop for almost two weeks now. Give it a break.
WADE: I shall not. These aren't stupid books. These are the literary masterpieces of August Wilson. His plays tackle the African-American experiences of a certain decade in such vivid detail. His Pittsburgh Cycle is amazing.
RK: I think Jose Reyes hit for the cycle at some point.
WADE: Right now, I'm reading Fences and I'm already in love with it. This guy was incredible.
RK: Ha, August Wilson. So overrated.
WADE: How would you know? You don't know anything about his life.
RK: I know he's overrated. Anybody successful or popular in this world is overrated, bottom line. You see, Wade, people like August Wilson just aren't that special. They're just...ketchup and water, you know? So when you say August Wilson is the greatest playwright of all-time, why should I believe you?
WADE: I never said he was the greatest playwright of all-time, it's Shakespeare.
RK: Well, you were thinking it until I caught you dead in your tracks.
WADE: Face it, RK. You wish you had even an inch of August Wilson's writing abilities.
RK: I've got more than inches of writing talent. I have ten feet of pure writing talent.
WADE: Is that so? Well, my little friend, I challenge you. Write a story set in a certain decade and come back to me, if you think you've got the grapes.
RK: I've got the grapes, the nuts, and the malted milk balls. I accept your challenge. Just you wait. Once you hear my story, it's going to blow this Wilson guy out the water.
WADE: I would rather just blow you away and take it from there.
(RK angrily stares at Wade)
SCENE 2
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
45 MINUTES LATER
(Wade is still reading Fences when RK comes in with his original story)
RK: Eat your heart out, Huey Freeman. This is it. My own masterpiece. It follows all the rules.
WADE: What rules? There was only one and that was to have it set in a previous decade.
RK: Well, I made my own rules. That's how amazing I am. And to make sure my story's up to par, I even got an audience.
(brief pause; Wade gives RK a bored expression, then RK widens his eyes and realizes they are not coming inside)
RK: Guys, that's your cue to come in!
(Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn walk in at that moment.)
JAYLYNN: Well, sorry. Next time, maybe you could give us a signal.
BUSTER: Yeah, I had no idea when to come in.
SPARKY: I wanted to come in, but I didn't want to come in early.
RK: Guys, you...(sighs)...you know what? It is my fault, I forgot to give the signal.
SPARKY: Cool. So Wade, RK told us about your little contest.
WADE: Well, I guess you could call it a contest. More like a crazy young man trying to prove something.
RK: Shut up! Alright, guys, this is the greatest story you have ever heard in your life. Prepare to be amazed, betwixt, and bedazzled!
BUSTER: You know, before any of that happens, I would love to hear something.
RK: Okay, well, my story takes place in the spring of 1988. It was me against authority.
"Jennings v. The Man (1980s)"
SCENE 1
Almost Live Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
(RK comes into school wearing a Public Enemy T-shirt. He stops by Halley and Ashley, who are listening to "Please Don't Go Girl" by New Kids on the Block.)
RK: What's up, ladies?
ASHLEY AND HALLEY: RK!
ASHLEY: Hey, I tried calling you last night but you never answered.
RK: I think I fell asleep. What did you call for?
ASHLEY: I wanted to know if you got your VCR set up.
RK: I don't even know how to work the clock on that thing! And I think KG keeps hiding my tapes.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Good morning, children.
HALLEY, ASHLEY AND RK: Hello, Mr. MacGregor.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: RK, what are you wearing?
RK: These jeans? Well, I cut 'em up myself. Why, do they look tacky?
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Not tacky enough. It's your shirt that's bothering me.
RK: Oh, it's just Public Enemy. Pretty rad, huh?
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: RK, are you aware that this type of paraphernalia is contraband in our learning institution?
RK: No, but I'm aware I have no idea what you just said.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Public Enemy is a bad influence on children. They promote black power and Islam and illegal sampling.
RK: What do you have against illegal sampling?
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Nothing, but Public Enemy supports it so I have something against it.
RK: Look, Principal MacGregor, try listening to P.E.'s music. You might learn something.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: I learned to be afraid of Louis Farrakhan. Look, RK, I'll let this slide but tomorrow, I don't want to see you with that shirt on. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to make sure the crack dealers are selling across the street at the other school.
(Principal MacGregor leaves at that moment, irritating RK.)
HALLEY: Wow, I can't believe Mr. MacGregor dropped the hammer like that.
ASHLEY: What are you going to do?
RK: I think I have a way to get around this.
SCENE 2
Almost Live Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
(Sparky is putting books in his locker when he notices Buster, Wade, and Jaylynn standing next to him.)
SPARKY: Guys, what is it?
WADE: The Cosby Show or Who's the Boss? Which show is better?
SPARKY: You ask me that question every morning and every morning, it's the same answer, The Golden Girls.
BUSTER: That's not a real answer.
RK: Hello people.
(RK comes into school wearing a new Public Enemy T-shirt, and on the back is the track listing for their album It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back.)
JAYLYNN: Wait a minute. I thought Mr. MacGregor said you couldn't wear that shirt.
RK: I'm not. It's a different shirt.
WADE: You can't just defy authority, are you crazy?
RK: Probably. I'm going to give MacGregor hell.
(The kids gasp at that moment.)
JAYLYNN: You said the word!
SPARKY: Troublemaker!
RK: But it's just a...
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Ryan Kennedy Jennings!
RK: Oh no, full name.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: What did I tell you yesterday?
RK: Um...if it ain't funky, don't play it?
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: You're still wearing the Public Enemy T-shirt?
RK: Yes I am. I'm taking a stand against injustice. It's what Chuck D would do.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Chuck D? Does this guy even have a last name?
RK: Ridenhour.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: What?
RK: What?
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Look, RK, I respect your pride, but Public Enemy should be feared in public schools, not embraced. I want you to stop wearing their merchandise.
RK: No way. I've been in love with Public Enemy for less than a year, and I'm not stopping now.
SPARKY: You're playing a dangerous game here, RK.
RK: I don't care, this guy can't sit here and tell me what to do. I mean, what, are you going to give me detention? HA!
(Cut to RK sitting in his living room, forlorn. KG comes in from the kitchen.)
KG: I can't believe they suspended you for a week. When I go to your school tomorrow, MacGregor's going to be dog meat.
RK: Eh, it's whatever, KG. I just can't believe I can't wear the shirt. I paid ten bucks for it, what a waste!
KG: Hey, you know how schools are these days. Reagan ruined everything.
RK: Dude, you can't blame Reagan for all of America's problems.
KG: Yes I can. Just say no? My friend tried to say no at a party last week and THEY TOUCHED HER! YOU CAN'T JUST SAY NO TO HARASSMENT, RK, IT JUST HAPPENS!
(brief pause; RK is slightly disturbed)
RK: I hope your friend's seeing a counselor or something.
KG: Oh yeah, her parents are working on that.
(RK's phone rings and he picks it up.)
RK: Yo.
BUSTER: RK, you have to turn to channel 4! They're talking about you on the news!
RK: Wait, how do you know?
BUSTER: I saw an NBC camera crew at our school. I think MacGregor wants publicity for what happened today!
RK: Whoa, baby! Hang on a minute.
(RK turns on the TV and takes a minute to eye it.)
RK: We're going to make it to 60 inches one day, I just know it.
(RK flips stations to NBC, where we see a female reporter in front of the school.)
FEMALE REPORTER: Principal of Almost Live Elementary School, Steven MacGregor, had been helping kids avoid smoking cocaine just a few inches off of school grounds when he was attacked by Ryan Kennedy Jennings. At one point, MacGregor allowed Jennings to wear the Public Enemy T-shirt as much as he wanted until he started forcing other kids to wear the controversial rap group's merchandise as well. According to MacGregor, Public Enemy's music is poisonous to the minds of children and refers to it as "Malcolm X's vile excretion being forced to walk and talk. Why don't they ever sing or have melody?"
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: I mean, we have people in the music industry who are clean and wholesome. They have never tried shoving a message down your throat. I mean, I love black music, my daughter is a big Anita Baker fan for instance. But for this child to be so disrespectful and hawk his T-shirt for everybody is a crime against civil liberties, and I will not stand for it.
FEMALE REPORTER: Public Enemy is just one of the latest musical acts to face condemnation by public schools, conservatives, and Tipper Gore, adding more credence to their name. Their recently released sophomore album It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back was criticized by the Parents Music Resource Center for objectionable, pro-black content, alongside other albums such as Iron Maiden's Seventh Son of a Seventh Son, Living Colour's Vivid, and Michael Jackson's Bad album for "self-assurance of corrected skin pigmentation."
(RK turns off the TV at that point, seething with rage.)
RK: You know what? We're both going there tomorrow and we're going to kick MacGregor's skinny fat ass!
KG: That's the spirit!
(RK and KG high-five)
SCENE 3
Almost Live Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
(RK and KG are both in a suit and tie, walking towards Principal MacGregor's office)
RK: Alright, so when Principal MacGregor stops talking, I'm going to plead my case.
KG: Actually, little bro, I think I'm going to straighten him out in my own way. You see, I've been reading up on Supreme Court cases and I came to a conclusion: I don't know much about the Supreme Court or their cases.
RK: Then how are you going to help me?
KG: Just you wait.
(The scene cuts to the Jennings brothers in Principal MacGregor's office. There is an awkward pause for a couple of seconds.)
KG: Principal MacGregor, do you know about AIDS?
RK: Dude...
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Yes, I do.
KG: You see, Principal MacGregor, your AIDS is probably causing you to come down on my brother pretty hard. You think so too? You want to just admit your insecurity over having AIDS now?
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: I'm disease-free, thank you very much.
KG: Well...looks like my work here is done.
RK: What work? You didn't do anything!
KG: I was trying to guilt trip him but it looks like this guy is squeaky clean.
RK: HOW CAN HE BE SQUEAKY CLEAN?! TALK ABOUT THE PHONY REPORT WE SAW LAST NIGHT!
KG: Oh yeah. Mr. MacGregor, why did you feel the need to victimize yourself on NBC last night? What are you trying to prove?
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Oh, don't even try bringing that up. I'm trying to protect the reputation of this school!
RK: By being a douche?
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Look, we cannot have your behavior here, RK. Your T-shirt wearing behavior! It's in direct violation of everything we have worked so hard to build.
RK: Well, I'm not going to stand idly by and just let you kick me out of school because I love Public Enemy. I'm going to be your worst nightmare, Mr. MacGregor. And we'll see who ends up making the 6:00 news next time.
SCENE 4
("We're Not Gonna Take It" by Twisted Sister playing in the background)
RK goes home, pulls out the boombox from his closet, and makes sure he has enough batteries in it. Then he pulls out his tape of It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back and puts it inside the box. When he wakes up the next morning, he puts on the original Public Enemy T-shirt that Principal MacGregor disliked, under a black Los Angeles Raiders Starter jacket. He also puts on black Wrangler jeans and Reebok pumps. To top it off, he dons a Pittsburgh Pirates cap. RK walks out of the house with the box and a stern expression. He gets to school where other kids have already arrived, and turns the boombox on. P.E.'s "Louder Than a Bomb" starts playing to its highest volume, freaking out several of the kids.
KID #1: TURN OFF THAT JUNGLE NOISE!
KID #2: MY EARS FEEL LIKE THEY'RE ABOUT TO VOMIT!
KID #3: Is that Run-D.M.C. or Boogie Down Productions? I always get those two confused.
RK starts walking down the halls with boombox in hand, until he draws out an enraged Principal MacGregor.
RK: How do you do, Greggy?
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: RK, I am telling you this right now because I want you to live another day. Leave the premises and don't come back until your suspension is over.
RK: That's nice. Or...
(RK continues playing "Louder Than a Bomb," driving Principal MacGregor to the point of insanity)
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! I'M JUST A POOR INNOCENT MAN!
RK: I want to wear my shirts whenever I want, and I want you to apologize to NBC for giving them that phony report.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: IT'S A DEAL!
RK: Eh, what?
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: IT'S A DEAL, YOU SON OF A BITCH!
RK: Thank you. Oh, and one more thing.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Yeah?
RK: How do you like your nuts?
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: What? I don't know.
RK: Too bad, because I like them cracked.
(RK kicks Principal MacGregor low, and plays "Louder Than a Bomb" as he walks out of the halls while the kids cheer. The others walk up to Principal MacGregor and start taking shots at him.)
(We cut back to RK telling the story to TSE.)
RK: Eventually, kids were allowed to wear whatever they wanted at Almost Live. This took several years to reach other schools. Fortunately, music was no longer the focus. Once The Simpsons debuted, people started bitching and moaning about that instead. The end.
(Sparky, Wade, and Jaylynn look confused while Buster has a big smile on his face.)
BUSTER: HA! Michael Jackson.
WADE: Well, RK, I was proven wrong.
RK: Thank you, Wade.
WADE: I was proven wrong because you managed to tell an even worse story than I thought you would. And you think you can compare to August Wilson?
RK: The dude's overrated and you know it. You also know that my story kicked ass and you just can't admit it.
WADE: I also know that I'm about to kick YOUR ass.
(RK and Wade go after each other and start brawling, which leads to the others breaking it up)
SPARKY: Guys, come on, stop it!
JAYLYNN: This is not how best friends act!
RK: Yeah, but this is how we act!
WADE: Deal with it!
BUSTER: Hey, I just thought of a cool idea.
SPARKY: Iced honey bun ice cream again?
BUSTER: No, but that idea was classic.
RK: What's your cool idea?
BUSTER: How about we all write stories set in the past and read them to each other?
WADE: That's okay. I am perfectly fine with spoiling myself in the form of August Wilson's period literature.
RK: Ha. So pretentious, you.
(Wade gives RK an angry open-mouthed stare.)
JAYLYNN: I think that idea's awesomesauce.
SPARKY: Yeah. And then at the end, we can decide who has the best story.
RK: I hate to admit it, but I did set the bar pretty high so you guys better come with your best stuff.
BUSTER: Let's meet up at Ike's tomorrow after school.
SPARKY AND JAYLYNN: Yeah!
SCENE 3
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Jaylynn has a notepad and a pencil, but nothing to write.)
JAYLYNN: This is great, just great. I'm a freaking poet, and I still have nothing! Great. Let me just take a minute to think.
(Jaylynn walks around the couch, and starts skipping.)
JAYLYNN: Okay, this is not cool. I need to think on my feet here. (Jaylynn starts humming "Rape Me" by Nirvana for a couple seconds while walking around the couch.) Wait a minute. That's it! THAT'S IT!
(Jaylynn jumps on the couch, but loses her balance and falls over.)
SCENE 4
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Dining Area
Seattle, Washington
(Testicular Sound Express, without Wade, have secured a booth at Ike's. Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn all have stories to share.)
RK: Well, let's see if you could make the king proud today.
BUSTER: Who's the king?
RK: I am. I thought that was clear.
BUSTER: No, it wasn't. If you're a king, then why don't you have your crown or your jewelry? Why aren't you trying to floss? Huh? Buster 1, you 0.
JAYLYNN: I want to go first.
RK: Sure. Not like you have a chance but if you did have a chance, you still wouldn't have a chance.
JAYLYNN: What? Shut the hell up. Anyway, I was thinking, "What decade best represents me?" And then I knew the answer. It was so obvious. Let's go back to a time where nothing sucked. Where you could look 16 years old when you were 13, and every cereal you ever had was really unhealthy. Let's go back to the 90s.
"Hernandez's Law (1990s)"
SCENE 1
Frasier Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
MARCH 1994
(Jaylynn is talking to Ashley by her locker. Her hair is dyed orange instead of red and she has on a nose piercing.)
JAYLYNN: You know, I was watching MTV last night and I finally realized something. I want to be a part of it.
ASHLEY: What do you mean?
JAYLYNN: I mean, I want to be a part of the movement. There are so many amazing bands out there and I want my piece of the pie.
ASHLEY: So what you're saying is, you want your own band?
JAYLYNN: That's the simple way of putting it, yeah. I mean, why just sit back and watch grunge become more and more popular? I could help grunge too.
ASHLEY: Well, good luck then.
JAYLYNN: You know, I was thinking about starting a band with you.
ASHLEY: Me? Why?
JAYLYNN: You have musical talent. I think. But you're really smart and we need, like, an accountant to handle all our monies and things.
ASHLEY: No thanks.
JAYLYNN: I was kidding, Ash. I really want to give you a shot. What do you play?
ASHLEY: I'm actually a guitarist on the side but it's more of a hobby.
JAYLYNN: Great, you're our lead guitarist. Ashley, right now, we're just two ugly-looking orangutans trying to be famous. Six months from now, we're going to be two beautiful, rich, and famous orangutans.
ASHLEY: I'm not an ugly-looking orangutan!
JAYLYNN: Whoa, way to go all Hollywood on me. Say that after you become famous.
(The camera cuts to a close-up of Ashley's blank stare at Jaylynn. It does not represent anger or disappointment or even confusion. It is simply a cold, emotionless expression.)
SCENE 2
The Hernandez Household
Interior Garage
Seattle, Washington
(Jaylynn and Ashley are at a table together in Jaylynn's garage holding auditions for their new grunge band. Several girls have lined up outside.)
JAYLYNN: Alright, it's time to our girls. I was thinking of a Sonic Youth meets Pixies-type thing.
ASHLEY: Cool. All the girls love Sonic Youth.
JAYLYNN: Great, so we're in business already. Okay, first up to audition is...Anja Saleh? I didn't know she wanted to audition, why didn't you tell me?
ASHLEY: I thought you were the one who told her, I just wrote the names down.
(Anja comes in with her arms folded.)
ANJA: Hey buddy. Remember me? I'm the one who heard about your grunge band that you didn't tell me about.
JAYLYNN: Could you please stop being sarcastic? It's really creepy. And I'm sorry, I didn't even think you wanted to be a part of it.
ANJA: Well, I do. I mean, I may be Muslim, but that doesn't make me a hermit, Jaylynn. I get down with the get down like everyone else.
JAYLYNN: Alright, then give us that Generation X style we're looking for.
ANJA: What?
(imitating Jesse Katsopolis) JAYLYNN: Just audition for the band, hah?
ANJA: Alright. Check this out.
(Anja gets up on the drum set in the garage and immediately starts banging up a storm. She performs the drum solo from "My Generation" by The Who, and gets a huge ovation from the girls when she is finished.)
JAYLYNN: She was so hot when she played.
ASHLEY: What?
JAYLYNN: You know, she set those drums on fire and shit. I was impressed.
ASHLEY: Of course, that's what you said.
JAYLYNN: I know what I said. Anja, that was DEF, MAN! Badass playing right there.
ASHLEY: You really set the bar high, Anja.
ANJA: Thanks. I hope I make the cut.
JAYLYNN: Well, dude, we have a lot of people to see so you have to be prepared for any outcome.
SCENE 3
The Hernandez Household
Interior Garage
Seattle, Washington
ONE WEEK LATER
(The entire band has been filled out. Jaylynn is on the microphone, Ashley is the lead guitarist, Halley is the rhythm guitarist, Anja is the drummer, and Gilcania is the backing vocalist.)
JAYLYNN: It's so simple. Why waste time looking for people to join the band when I can just have my friends?
ASHLEY: I think we got lucky, though.
JAYLYNN: Probably. But we can still kick ass anyway. Alright, let's jam. ONE, TWO, ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!
(The girls start playing their instruments as Jaylynn watches them, but they all sound incoherent and out of tune because none of them are playing the same song.)
JAYLYNN: Guys, guys, guys, shut up for a minute. Guys, be quiet. EVERYBODY SHUT THE HELL UP!
(The girls are all shocked by the aggression in Jaylynn's voice.)
HALLEY: Girl, you have to teach me how to do that.
JAYLYNN: I think before we start playing, we should know what song we're doing so we can get better. Ashley, you think you could start us off with a riff?
ASHLEY: I think so. I got a cool one we could do.
(Ashley performs a version of the first theme song for Ranma 1/2 on guitar, and the others start getting into it. Anja adds a slow-building drum beat, and Halley gives the riff some harmony with her own guitar as Jaylynn and Gilcania watch.)
GILCANIA: You want to write some lyrics down tonight, boo-boo?
JAYLYNN: Yeah. This is what the Apathy Coalition needs to take it to the top.
GILCANIA: That's our name?
JAYLYNN: Well, yeah, nothing else fit.
GILCANIA: Screw it, that name is hot.
(Jaylynn starts smiling.)
SCENE 4
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Jaylynn has turned the lights off in her house and taken her hat off, only having a lamp near her, a pencil and a notepad.)
JAYLYNN: Hey, this sounds pretty good.
(The camera cuts to a shot of Jaylynn's lyrics, which are the following: "I want you to wreck me, make me a slave/Put away my freedom, and make me behave/I'm bad and reckless, so choke me by my necklace/Don't ask me for permission, just know I'm flat-chested.")
JAYLYNN: Man, they would never go for this. Alright, time to start over.
SCENE 5
The Hernandez Household
Interior Garage
Seattle, Washington
JAYLYNN: Alright, girls, I have the lyrics, Gilcy checked them over. And now, we're ready to go.
(Ashley starts things off with the riff, then Anja's drums, then Halley's rhythm.)
(singing) JAYLYNN: "I see the way you're staring, you're not into our ways/You hate the way we do it, but we go on for days/Your face is turning red, now it's time for a look/Into your hopeless psyche, you should hit up the books/Why, that's my direction/You shouldn't have to make the connection/I have my own perspective and I know you have yours/So watch the way you're talking WHEN WE RIP UP THE FLOORS!/WE ARE INFINITE!/WE'RE JUST HERE FOR THE FUN!/(Try your luck, try your luck, we don't give a...)/WE ARE INFINITE!/DON'T PRETEND WE'RE THE ONE!/(It's not you, it's not us, it's the love)/WE'RE THE BODY-ROCKING, STAGE-SHOCKING QUEENS FROM HELL/And no one takes it from us, it ain't hard to tell/WE ARE INFINITE!"
(The song ends with a brief guitar solo from Ashley, and some last-minute drum work from Anja.)
HALLEY: That was awesome!
ASHLEY: Yeah, we were bad, we were def to the highest degree of freshness, we pumped up the jam and jammed up the pump, to the WEST SIDE!
(Everybody stares at Ashley in disbelief, and then she looks to the side in disbelief.)
ASHLEY: Anja, was that you who said that?
ANJA: Oh, don't pin this on me, that was all you, girl.
JAYLYNN: You know, let's do this again tomorrow. Only this time, we should probably record it.
SCENE 6
Frasier Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
(Jaylynn is having the boys listen to "We Are Infinite" at lunch, and they all seem to enjoy it.)
JAYLYNN: So, what do you think?
SPARKY: Jaylynn, I was touched. That song made me feel like my life could go on forever.
RK: It's definitely not that bad. I would actually like to see that go to MTV.
BUSTER: Yeah, nice job, Jaylynn.
WADE: I enjoy the song, but I have no idea what you're calling yourself.
JAYLYNN: Oh yeah. I had to pick a name that was ultra-hip and mega cool. The Apathy Coalition.
SPARKY: That's pretty dope, actually.
RK: You know, if you want a gig or something, the music store always lets young talent perform there on Fridays. A lot of famous people have come from that store.
JAYLYNN: Eh, I don't know. I don't feel comfortable performing in public yet.
BUSTER: Ah, Jaylynn, this opportunity will come maybe every once in a lifetime.
RK: It's every Friday.
BUSTER: Quiet, I'm on a roll. Look, dude, sometimes there's this Reese's peanut butter cup just sitting there. You don't want to ignore something like that. You gotta take that cup and eat the hell out of it. Eat that shit, man, eat that shit.
(brief pause; Jaylynn pretends she has a gun to her head and "shoots" herself)
SCENE 7
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Jaylynn has arranged a meeting with the entire Apathy Coalition.)
JAYLYNN: So, how would you guys feel about playing at the music store on Friday?
ASHLEY: You want us to perform in public? Are you insane?
JAYLYNN: No, I'm smart. A couple people hate it, they throw bottles at us, what's the worst that could happen? Unless the bottles are made of glass. That's bad.
ANJA: Jaylynn, that music store was where bands like Pearl Jam and Soundgarden were discovered. We can't go in there like amateurs.
HALLEY: Anja's right. We only know one song anyway.
GILCANIA: Plus, we're not in it to be famous, boo-boo.
(Jaylynn looks around nervously)
GILCANIA: We're in it to be famous?! No way, honey, I'm out.
JAYLYNN: Gilcy, wait a minute. Now I believe in this band. You guys may not see it, but I think we can take it all the way. This is our chance to be the kind of band we see every day on MTV. This is our chance, this is our moment, AND THIS IS OUR TIME TO SHINE, DAMMIT! WE'RE INFINITE FOR A REASON!
(brief pause)
ASHLEY: Then why don't we just perform next Friday when we've actually prepared?
JAYLYNN: Oh yeah, next Friday's cool too.
(The scene is now in real time with Jaylynn's story unfinished and the boys confused.)
SPARKY: I don't get it. What happens now, do you guys make it big?
RK: Do you record your debut album?
BUSTER: Do you make a guest spot on The Simpsons just because?
JAYLYNN: I guess you'll find out next time. I never finished the story, I got writer's block.
RK: You know, Jaylynn, even though your story didn't quite surpass mine, I liked it.
SPARKY: Yeah, it was really interesting.
BUSTER: Hey, don't praise the enemy.
SPARKY: I know, but still. Real recognize real, bro.
BUSTER: Can we tell our story now?
RK: Might as well.
SPARKY: We decided to put our heads together and write about something we both really cared about.
BUSTER: Yeah. We went back in time to the decade where we learned about the secrets of life: The 2000s.
"Team Bartlett (2000s)"
SCENE 1
Sparky and Buster are walking out of the local movie theater with a couple other people on June 28, 2002. They went to see Hey Arnold!: The Movie that day. They also look disappointed.
BUSTER: You know, I can think of three things wrong with that movie.
SPARKY: Really? I can think of...six.
SCENE 2
Frasier Elementary School
Exterior Playground
Seattle, Washington
(Testicular Sound Express is playing together in the schoolyard. Sparky and Buster are on the swings, RK is on the slide with Wade behind him, and Jaylynn is just standing near Sparky and Buster.)
SPARKY: I don't know, really. I mean, it felt like Hey Arnold! but there was something wrong.
BUSTER: Yeah. That's the kind of movie you put on TV, not in theaters. That was boring as (bleep).
RK: See? I told you guys the movie would suck. That's why I couldn't go.
SPARKY: Didn't KG ground you for smashing the living room window with a baseball?
RK: I wasn't there when the window got smashed. I had plausible deniability, but KG refused to listen.
WADE: If you had plausible deniability, then who really smashed the window?
RK: I don't know, Bionic Bunny? I hear he murders people on the low.
JAYLYNN: I didn't think the movie was that bad. I mean, the animation was beautiful.
BUSTER: Eh, it looked overdone.
JAYLYNN: And you know what? I've been waiting six years to hear Helga tell Arnold she loves him, so I don't care about anything else.
SPARKY: But what about the story? The jokes, the emotion?
JAYLYNN: Eh, you're going to win some and lose some.
SPARKY: Well, I know one movie I'm never watching again. It's like they had to meet the deadline in less than six months.
WADE: Cheer up, little buckers. At least there's still the actual show.
RK: Did you just say buckers?
WADE: It's my life, you got a problem with that, plebeian?!
RK: Nope, nothing here.
BUSTER: Wade's right. We still have the actual show.
SPARKY: And one day, we're going to find out what really happened to Arnold's parents.
BUSTER: Hell yeah!
(Sparky and Buster high-five)
SCENE 3
Frasier Elementary School
Exterior Playground
Seattle, Washington
SIX MONTHS LATER
(The kids are still on the playground, as if nothing has changed since then.)
RK: Dude, what the hell?! I'm getting sick of this, why don't we age or something?
WADE: We're just five small children. We'll age in a couple of years.
RK: Yeah, but that still doesn't...
WADE: Hey. Don't try to correct meta-science.
SPARKY: I can't believe Hey Arnold! ended.
BUSTER: Yeah. And the worst part is, that sexy animation didn't even last that long.
JAYLYNN: What are you guys talking about?
SPARKY: Well, the episode about Arnold finding his parents' old journal was the last episode produced. Everything's just a big damn cliffhanger now.
BUSTER: Yeah. First, Family Guy gets cancelled and now this.
JAYLYNN: What about that second movie?
SPARKY: Well, without the show, they're really not going to make the movie. Plus, I think Craig Bartlett wants to do other shows now.
RK: Man, Nick has really gone downhill. They only have SpongeBob and The Fairly OddParents, everything else is crap.
WADE: Yeah, you guys might as well switch up now and start watching Disney Channel.
BUSTER: No way, Disney Channel is so bisexual.
SPARKY: (sighs) You know, maybe one day, we'll get to see another Hey Arnold! movie.
BUSTER: Someday. But it can't be today, it takes time to make movies.
SPARKY: Of course it does.
SCENE 4
The MacDougal Household
Interior Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
(Sparky keeps tossing and turning while Bitch Clock is sleeping. He looks confused and upset.)
SPARKY: No, no. Craig, no. We have to...save you.
(Sparky's dream sequence involves him and Craig Bartlett in a dark alley, back-to-back holding guns in the air. They keep looking around with nervous expressions.)
CRAIG: Sparky, that's it, alright? Either I go with them now or they kill me.
SPARKY: Hell no, I'm not going out like that. Craig, you can't let Nickelodeon jerk you around like this. We're ending this our way.
CRAIG: Alright, fine. But watch your back or they'll kill you too.
SPARKY: Wait a minute. I just realized something.
CRAIG: What, that Matt Groening and I look alike? I don't see it, but a lot of people...
SPARKY: No. We're drawing too much attention to ourselves together. We should split up. Maybe they're just bluffing.
CRAIG: I doubt it.
SPARKY: They think they have us figured out, it could work. I'm getting out of here.
CRAIG: Alright. You got your walkie?
SPARKY: Yuppers. Let's do this.
(Sparky hugs Craig and walks down the street towards the local pizza place. Meanwhile, Craig pulls out a Kit Kat and starts eating it. A mysterious black limousine makes a sharp right turn towards the same street corner where Sparky and Craig are located.)
EXEC #1: Alright, they should be here. I saw them 20 minutes ago.
EXEC #2: Let's just kill whoever's there. Craig wants to go do his own thing, but that doesn't make us money, now does it?
EXEC #3: Can we stop for a snow cone?
EXEC #2: What? No, dumbass, it's 63 degrees out here, why would you want a snow cone?!
EXEC #3: You really don't get me, do you?
(Sparky arrives at the pizza place when he sees the black limo pass by. It has an orange slime logo on the hood which Sparky identifies as Nickelodeon executives. He frantically picks up his walkie-talkie and tries to get in touch with Craig.)
SPARKY: CRAIGGY!
(Craig turns around and sees the limo pull up. He walks up to it and realizes the danger he is in. He runs in the opposite direction, but one of the executives pulls out a gun and shoots him in the hip, then a second shot gets him in the spine, causing his legs to twitch and he falls to the ground. The limo drives away as Sparky rushes to the scene, watching Craig cough up blood.)
SPARKY: Craig, no.
CRAIG: Sparky, it's up to you now. For me, it's over.
SPARKY: What are you talking about? I'm starting not to get what this dream means.
CRAIG: Finish the story. Give Hey Arnold! an ending. Get The Jungle Movie in theaters.
SPARKY: I'll try.
CRAIG: And take my gun. You're going to need it.
(Sparky takes Craig's gun, hugs him goodbye, and leaves his slain body in the alley as he starts to cry. Sparky then wakes up, confused and freaked out.)
SPARKY: What the (bleep) was that about?
SCENE 5
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Sparky and Buster are playing the board game Trouble.)
SPARKY: I just don't understand my dream last night. It was so weird.
BUSTER: Look on the bright side. At least you weren't assaulted by albino raccoons.
(Sparky gives Buster a weird look)
BUSTER: That was my dream two days ago. (Shudders) Disgusting. So, Craig Bartlett shot you?
SPARKY: No, he was shot by Nick executives. They just wanted to keep doing Hey Arnold! for more money.
BUSTER: This is so stupid. We should do something to get the show back on the air so we can find out what happened to Arnold's parents.
SPARKY: Yeah, but what?
BUSTER: Remember Oswald? It was going to get canceled by Nickelodeon, but a partition saved it at the last minute.
SPARKY: You mean, a petition?
BUSTER: Nahasapeemapetilon. Look, if we get enough signatures, we could get Craig Bartlett to do The Jungle Movie.
SPARKY: It could work. Let's take it online!
SCENE 6
Frasier Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
TWO MONTHS LATER
(Testicular Sound Express is eating together.)
RK: And so that's why it felt like my balls were going to freeze off the other day. So what are you guys up to?
SPARKY: We have about 800 signatures for our petition to produce The Jungle Movie.
RK: You know, you could always start a petition for a show that really needs it like Firefly.
SPARKY: Then you can start your own petition, I have things to do.
JAYLYNN: Isn't Nick still airing Hey Arnold! episodes?
SPARKY: Those are just the ones that were made months ago. The show needs a better ending than that.
WADE: It might help if you wrote an intelligent and constructive letter to Nickelodeon. They might listen and put Hey Arnold! back in production.
BUSTER: That's awesome. Wade, tell us when you're done so we know what to take out.
WADE: I'm not writing it, you little snot-nosed punk. You two can write it, and I'll proofread before you mail it out.
BUSTER: That's awesome! Wade...
WADE: And no, I'm not mailing it for you.
BUSTER: I wasn't going to ask that.
WADE: What were you going to ask?
BUSTER: Um...is Gwen Stefani hot?
RK: For that, 7/10.
JAYLYNN: Agreed.
SCENE 7
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Sparky and Buster are both writing letters meant to be sent to Nickelodeon brass.)
SPARKY: Okay, I'm done with my letter.
BUSTER: Almost. How about yours?
SPARKY: I just said I was done three seconds ago.
BUSTER: I thought you were asking me about my letter.
SPARKY: But then you would...never mind. Let me read it to you. "Dear Nickelodeon, I am a huge Hey Arnold! fan and I would love to see Craig Bartlett return to the network so he can produce the true finale to the show, The Jungle Movie. I would love to hear back from your animation division as soon as possible. Sincerely yours, Sparky MacDougal."
BUSTER: Pretty good. I think mine is also looking sharp.
SPARKY: Alright. Lay it on me.
BUSTER: (clears throat) "Bring Hey Arnold! back. That last movie was so corny, I felt like sticking my eyeballs into a doorknob." (Buster has a big smile on his face, and Sparky just looks hopelessly confused)
SPARKY: Shouldn't you write your name?
BUSTER: Oh yeah. "Signed, Buster." We can use your letter to get those suits warmed up, and use mine for the clincher.
SPARKY: Sure thing, buddy.
("Complicated" by Avril Lavigne playing in the background as white text fills the black background)
"It took two months for Sparky and Buster to get a response back from Nickelodeon. During that time, Buster gained 45 pounds, lost it, gained it back, and lost it back. Nick executives were moved by Sparky's letter, found Buster's letter funny and hired them to work as creative consultants on the next Hey Arnold! movie. Craig Bartlett worked on the first draft, but the new writers Nickelodeon hired rewrote it and altered it as they saw fit. Nickelodeon repackaged the movie as a CGI reintroduction to the show with a celebrity cast (Ricky Ullman as Arnold, Kel Mitchell as Gerald, etc.), after focus groups saw that Hey Arnold! was too dark and complex for mainstream success. After over 300 hours of recorded footage, writing, animation, editing, and sound mixing, the movie was released in July 2005 through Nickelodeon and Paramount.
The movie was trashed by critics and seen as an attempt to cash in on similar films of the era like Shark Tale. It was also a commercial flop, only making a quarter of its $100 million budget. Sparky and Buster were so traumatized by the incident that they stopped watching Nickelodeon for a year. They wondered if the lesson was "Be careful what you wish for," but because they gave Nickelodeon specific instructions and they ignored them, the two agreed there was no lesson and went to sleep."
(The scene cuts back to real time.)
SPARKY: And that's the end of our story.
RK: I can't believe you just described that entire sequence to us.
JAYLYNN: I kinda want to see that movie now.
BUSTER: Me too.
SCENE 5
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(The kids are, as usual, watching TV.)
RK: Man, this was a really fun week.
JAYLYNN: What are you talking about? We didn't do anything, we were just telling stories.
RK: Well, I feel like it was a fun experience.
JAYLYNN: If you say so.
SPARKY: So Wade, how did you like the stories when you read them?
WADE: I thought they were all creative and encapsulated their eras pretty well.
RK: So, you think we can top August Wilson?
WADE: Screw you, no way. But, as a little piece of entertainment that no one knows about, it was actually enjoyable.
BUSTER: You know, this whole thing was pretty cool. We got to see what life was like back then, and we're living in this decade now.
JAYLYNN: And?
BUSTER: And it would be cool to see what life will be like ten years from now.
SPARKY: I don't know, but whatever happens, I bet things are still going to be fun.
SCENE 6
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
TEN YEARS LATER
(A sign is on Sparky's front door that says "Please take us off the air." The kids, who have not aged or grown, are shown doing the exact same thing they did ten years ago: Watching TV and using their other devices. However, they seem even more bored and jaded than usual. RK looks up from his phone and stares at the camera.)
RK: What are you looking at? The show is over, change the freaking channel!
(black screen)
(on the red carpet at the Billboard Music Awards) TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for...
STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!
KIDS: Music Time!
STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.
("Ready or Not" by Bridgit Mendler playing in the end credits)
(C) 2015 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS