Title: Battle in a Ring of Jello

Author: Destiny Skywalker

Rating: T

Genre: Humor

Time Period: Season 5

Spoilers: 503 Ascension

Summary: "Are you sure Teal'c suggested this?" It's a boy's night out.

Disclaimers: The usual. Excerpts taken from Episode 503 "Ascension".

"So, now what?" Jack asked as they strolled back to his black pickup truck.

"I have read of a place where humans do battle in a ring of Jello," Teal'c replied solemnly.

"Call Daniel," Jack said, throwing Teal'c his cell phone while he climbed in the truck.

"Are you sure Teal'c suggested this?" Daniel asked skeptically as he looked around the smoky bar and his eyes settled on a kiddie pool filled with a green, gelatinous substance. He sipped slowly at the beer in his hand.

"I swear, Daniel" Jack said, holding his hands up. Unfortunately he also had his beer glass in his hand and spilled a little of it on his sleeve.

"I did indeed, DanielJackson," Teal'c defended his comrade. "It was advertised on television but the channel was not available at the SGC."

Daniel snorted and spit the small swig of his beer that had been occupying his mouth back into his beer. "I'll bet," he managed to choke out as he wiped his chin.

Daniel's allergies were killing him in this thick haze. He was going to be absolutely miserable the next day; he was sure of it. But he had to admit that he had been aching to get out and do something. "Why didn't we call Sam?" he asked.

"You really think Carter would enjoy this?" Jack asked, gesturing towards the pool of jello.

"MajorCarter was otherwise engaged tonight," Teal'c clarified.

Daniel's eyebrows shot up. "Really?" he asked.

"Yup," Jack replied cheerily before taking another large gulp of beer, finishing it up. He tipped the glass up at the bartender, letting her know that he was ready for another one.

Daniel narrowed his eyes at Jack. He was taking this rather well. "Should we go check up on her?" he asked.

"Daniel!" Jack exclaimed, whirling to face him. "Carter is a big girl. She can handle herself just fine." He thanked the bartender for refilling his glass. "Or we could always tell Jacob," he said thoughtfully.

"I believe MajorCarter is a formidable warrior and is perfectly capable of fighting her own battles," Teal'c replied. His eyes were fixed solidly on the two women approaching the tub.

Daniel was interrupted from further discussion by their bartender leaping onto the bar and announcing that the fight was about to begin. Daniel tried to look up at her, and then promptly realized that he had a very revealing view of the young woman's undergarments, which really did not cover all that much. He quickly ducked his head and started straight ahead at the match that was about to begin.

Daniel would admit that if Jack and Teal'c had told him why they were really coming here, he probably would have begged off. The objectification of women made him uncomfortable, especially after he had met so many women who were strong leaders. Sam and Sha're were just a few examples. However, after a few minutes, he had to admit that he did not have to worry about these women being objectified. They seemed like they could handle themselves just fine. They were fierce!

Finally, a blonde girl wearing a Colorado State tank top took down her opponent, but not without falling on top of her. Daniel winced, but Jack just cheered louder than ever. Teal'c looked intrigued, if one could say that they knew what an intrigued Jaffa looked like.

"Why haven't other cultures adopted this?" Jack asked. He raised his glass towards the women, and took an appreciative swig of his second beer. Daniel just rolled his eyes at the question.

"While they do not have good form, their tactics are effective," Teal'c agreed.

Several rounds of beer and matches later, Jack was pretty well on his way to being toasted, and Daniel had to admit that he was smashed. At least it had taken three beers instead of the usual two. His tolerance was definitely improving.

However, the crowd was starting to lose interest. Daniel was too, admittedly. His bed was sounding better and better by the minute. He did not think he was going to vomit. Yet. He looked grumpily at Jack as he pushed another beer Daniel's way.

The bartender was up on the bar still, holding up the arm of the Colorado State girl, showering Jack, Daniel and Teal'c with small bits of green liquid. The jello had long since melted, resulting in a sticky mess that seemed to be on almost everything within a six-foot radius of the pool. "For tonight's finale, our champion can choose to wrestle any opponent. Anyone who backs down gets thrown out!"

The crowd cheered appreciatively. The "champion" made a big show of looking around the bar, squinting and searching for a worthy opponent. Finally, her eyes settled on Daniel.

"Him."

The crowd laughed and jeered while the collegiate jumped down from the bar and sidled up to Daniel, smiling at him with big white teeth and jade green eyes.

"Um," Daniel stammered. "I was just about to leave. Too much to drink." Unfortunately, he was backed against the bar with nowhere to go.

"Come on, Danny boy!" Jack laughed as he grabbed him by the shoulder. "We aren't going home yet!" He pushed Daniel out towards the kiddie pool. The crowd roared again, and Daniel was pretty sure Jack was howling with laughter.

Thank God he wore his contacts tonight. Asking someone to hold his glasses would only make this whole ordeal more embarrassing than it already was. He tentatively stepped into the tub, feeling the sticky liquid cling to his legs and pants. He wished he had worn his old shoes. Maybe it would come out. Not likely.

He stood there with his arms at his sides, not knowing what to do or how to make the first move. "Come on," his opponent yelled. "I don't bite!" She winked at him flirtatiously.

Yeah, right, Daniel thought. He had seen what this girl had done to her first opponent. However, his moment of indecision cost him. Next thing he knew, the girl had gone for his legs, and he found himself staring up at the ceiling, his back and hair covered in sticky green goo.

Oh, that's it, Daniel thought. He grabbed the girl's wrists and brought her face first into the jello next to him. The girl came up with her mouth open, a shocked expression on her face. Then her expression changed to straight out pissed off, and Daniel realized what a mistake he had made by bringing her down so close to him.

She was quick. Next thing he knew, she had his shoulders completely pressed down to the bottom of the tub and jello was starting to get into his nose and mouth. He wiggled and spit madly, trying to keep his head above the goo. All he succeeded in doing was spraying the girl with even more jello.

It was time to fight dirty. This was no girl. She was an animal! He used one of those moves that Jack had always told him to use in the field to switch their positions. Now he was on top. Smiling down at her with jello dripping off his nose, he held both wrists down with one hand while he waited for the bartender referee to call her down and out for the count.

It never came. He had her pretty well pinned, but the girl bucked her rear straight up into the air, and some part of her connected with him right in the groin.

Daniel fell over ingloriously with a splash. The girl did not even bother to pin him; she simply stood up and started screeching at him for being a jerk. Dimly, Daniel heard the rest of the bar yelling, but he was too busy trying to lie facedown without drowning.

Suddenly, large hands pulled him up. Great, her biker boyfriend is probably going to finish me off now, he thought. Luckily, it was Teal'c picking him up and trying to help him stand up right. The catcalls and jeering suddenly went silent at the sight of the large man coming to Daniel's assistance.

"We are leaving," Teal'c intoned, half dragging Daniel to the door.

Jack was right behind them, fumbling with his keys. "Atta boy, Danny!" he yelled. "Nice moves!"

He was going to kill Jack. In the morning. As soon as he could feel his groin.

Teal'c opened the door, and Jack started protesting loudly. "Oh hell no, he's not getting in my truck like that! He needs hosed off first."

Teal'c turned to look at Jack, raising his eyebrow. "O'Neill, I do not feel you are capable of making decisions in your inebriated state."

"Oh, throw him in the back," Jack finally conceded. "I'll ride in back with him."

Teal'c acquiesced and let Jack lead Daniel to the back of the truck. "Alright, Daniel, just hop up here and slide yourself back. Oh gross," Jack said as Daniel slimed his way back.

"Teal'c?" Daniel called out pitifully.

"Yes, DanielJackson?"

"Please watch the bumps."

"Indeed."

Daniel managed to pull off his slimed shirt and put it behind his head so he could lie on his side on the uncomfortable bedliner. "Jack," he finally said.

"Yes, Daniel?" Jack slurred.

"We're not telling anyone about this. Not Janet, not Sam, not Hammond… not even Siler." Daniel winced as he shifted position.

"Awwww, come on, Spacemonkey," Jack pleaded.

Teal'c came to the rescue again. "O'Neill," he called through the open window to the cab.

"Whaaat?"

"If you tell others about DanielJackson's predicament, I will tell MajorCarter that this was your idea."

"Oh for cryin out loud!" Jack yelled. "Fine, Daniel."

"Jack?"

"What now?"

"I think I have to puke."