So another one-shot that came out of procrastination of my thesis and school work. oh well I hope you likey!
It is a Nobu reflection, who is not my property, it all really belongs to my inspiration Ai Yaizawa, who I wish would possess my body and help me become a better writer and artist.
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Thought process of a dreamer
Why is it so hard for me to let go?
I decided that I wouldn't interfere with Nana's relationship with Takumi. I'd decided that I would accept her rejection, and I'd move on without looking back and conjuring up what-if's. Yet now I find myself still stuck on Nana, and I'm thinking, what if she's doing this to protect me. What if she's just waiting to see if I'll be strong enough to fight for her. Perhaps, she's waiting to see if I truly loved her or if I just loved the illusion of her.
But then I see her, and how she worries and smiles over Takumi and I realize that she'd never play another's feelings that way. That she wouldn't treat Takumi as a tool to use against me. Yet, even though her love for Takumi may have won out her love for me, I feel like I need to make at least one more move, to make sure that this is checkmate, the end.
In the end however, I realize that I'm actually not that strong. That I don't want to find out because that way I'd have committed myself wholly and I'd have no way to end this and still be friends with Nana. It would mean also ruining my memories of Nana and me together, it would mean that those memories would never, even in time, become less hurtful, less bitter.
It's not that I blame Nana for choosing Takumi, because I know in my heart my own weaknesses and my own insecurities. I'm too much of a dreamer and I use that as an excuse a lot, in truth I'm the little kid that's waiting to grow up and dreading it at the same time. Some may even say that I have a Peter Pan complex, because I don't actually see myself as an adult, I see myself as I am right now. And that is the crux of matter. Nana saw that in me, and in her infinite kindness, (or is it weakness? ) she didn't want to hurt me and force me to change for her, In a way perhaps she too is a dreamer, and she is entrusting me her child's dream to me.
I have never questioned the love that Nana said she had for me, for I know that when Nana loves she loves wholly and completely. Yet, she also loves wholly and completely everyone in Blackstones, and her love is different for all of us, just as her love for Takumi is different than her love for me. It is in her love for Takumi that I see her blossoming now, really she is too far away from me now. She has already crossed that threshold between dreaming childhood and achieving adulthood. She has left me behind and I, though I love her, am not ready to catch up, not just yet. There are many dreams that I still have to dream before I get to the point of achieving them. The time will come someday when I'll be able to reach her and thank her for her love.
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I know it's short but really that's all I can do right now :)